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15 days sober..until I had a drink last night

Old 09-15-2016, 04:28 PM
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15 days sober..until I had a drink last night

Yesterday was my 15th day totally sober. But then I had a drink at night. Just one (about 2 oz).

Sunday my husband bought a bottle of bourbon and a bottle of vodka for me since he noticed I didn't have any in the freezer as usual. A year or so ago these single 750 ml bottles used to last us about a month because we'd just have a shot or two mixed with juice or soda in the evening on weekends. (My husband's weekend is Sat-Mon).

But my drinking became out of control, a few months ago I started having to drink in mornings and afternoon just to keep shakes away, so I tapered off successfully on my own and stayed sober 15 days.

Didn't have any desire to have that vodka, it just sat in there untouched since Sunday. But my husband had a horrible day at work last night (Thursday), he had to let go an employee of his that was on a 60-day probation period, really nice, friendly guy, but there were others who noticed this "friendly guy" would often spend 5-10 minutes chatting with others during the work day and complained to my husband's supervisor. Husband warned him 3 times the past month there were complaints about him, save the chatting for lunch and breaks, but it continued and my husband's supervisor insisted he had to go. (Husband would have kept him on because even with the chatting he was more productive and better than most of his other employees.)

So husband had to give him his 60-day eval and tell him they wouldn't be keeping him on.... guy took it really hard, was losing a job just under 6 figures and he just bought a condo, he thought he found his dream job and now his life seemed screwed.

Husband felt really horrible when he got home from work, even though he almost never drank on nights before a workday, he went straight into the kitchen and poured about 3 oz of bourbon. He also brought me a small glass of straight vodka, perhaps 2 oz, said he didn't want to drink alone because that's what alcoholics do (btw, he had no idea I had become an alcoholic and had just become sober, I never felt or acted drunk.)

I let my glass sit there for at least a half hour while he told me about how horrible he felt, I had no desire to drink it, was probably going to dump it down the drain, but I started to feel really bad for my husband and I questioned if I could have just this one drink and go back to abstaining.

I know in my heart I'll never go back to over-drinking, I've thought a lot about my life, I have so much to live for, and most of my physical pain from endometriosis is gone (reason I started drinking more and more) so I have no reason to self-medicate with alcohol and honestly never really liked the taste of it.

So when husband said I haven't touched my glass, do I want some juice or soda in it (when we drank together I rarely drank it straight unless we ran out of mixers), so I went ahead and drank it in 2 swigs.

I felt kinda guilty, but I justified doing it as an experiment, and felt kinda proud that I hated the taste of it, didn't want to ever have anymore. Today I have no desire to have anymore, thought about pouring the rest down the drain, but I get a good feeling when I open the freezer and see that bottle that months ago would only last a day, but now I have no desire for it.

I know some reading this will believe I'll start up again, I know it's quite common, I've read many stories in these forums from those who would quit for a while and start up again, and I don't want that to be me. It was scary being physically addicted, I refuse to allow that to happen ever again.

I've also read many success stories in these forums and they inspire me to be sober. I do enjoy being sober and have appreciated the good things in life much more lately, this is the life I want.
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Old 09-15-2016, 04:35 PM
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So, it sounds to me like you want to continue drinking with the belief you can control and moderate your drinking. If so, then I wish you well. Maybe you can and that would be great. But, if you are an alcoholic you will not be able to do that.

What I know is that denial is a huge part of alcoholism, never to be underestimated. Personally, those kinds of experiments do not seem helpful to me in any way.
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Old 09-15-2016, 04:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Katzen View Post
Yesterday was my 15th day totally sober. But then I had a drink at night. Just one (about 2 oz).

Sunday my husband bought a bottle of bourbon and a bottle of vodka for me since he noticed I didn't have any in the freezer as usual. A year or so ago these single 750 ml bottles used to last us about a month because we'd just have a shot or two mixed with juice or soda in the evening on weekends. (My husband's weekend is Sat-Mon).

But my drinking became out of control, a few months ago I started having to drink in mornings and afternoon just to keep shakes away, so I tapered off successfully on my own and stayed sober 15 days.

Didn't have any desire to have that vodka, it just sat in there untouched since Sunday. But my husband had a horrible day at work last night (Thursday), he had to let go an employee of his that was on a 60-day probation period, really nice, friendly guy, but there were others who noticed this "friendly guy" would often spend 5-10 minutes chatting with others during the work day and complained to my husband's supervisor. Husband warned him 3 times the past month there were complaints about him, save the chatting for lunch and breaks, but it continued and my husband's supervisor insisted he had to go. (Husband would have kept him on because even with the chatting he was more productive and better than most of his other employees.)

So husband had to give him his 60-day eval and tell him they wouldn't be keeping him on.... guy took it really hard, was losing a job just under 6 figures and he just bought a condo, he thought he found his dream job and now his life seemed screwed.

Husband felt really horrible when he got home from work, even though he almost never drank on nights before a workday, he went straight into the kitchen and poured about 3 oz of bourbon. He also brought me a small glass of straight vodka, perhaps 2 oz, said he didn't want to drink alone because that's what alcoholics do (btw, he had no idea I had become an alcoholic and had just become sober, I never felt or acted drunk.)

I let my glass sit there for at least a half hour while he told me about how horrible he felt, I had no desire to drink it, was probably going to dump it down the drain, but I started to feel really bad for my husband and I questioned if I could have just this one drink and go back to abstaining.

I know in my heart I'll never go back to over-drinking, I've thought a lot about my life, I have so much to live for, and most of my physical pain from endometriosis is gone (reason I started drinking more and more) so I have no reason to self-medicate with alcohol and honestly never really liked the taste of it.

So when husband said I haven't touched my glass, do I want some juice or soda in it (when we drank together I rarely drank it straight unless we ran out of mixers), so I went ahead and drank it in 2 swigs.

I felt kinda guilty, but I justified doing it as an experiment, and felt kinda proud that I hated the taste of it, didn't want to ever have anymore. Today I have no desire to have anymore, thought about pouring the rest down the drain, but I get a good feeling when I open the freezer and see that bottle that months ago would only last a day, but now I have no desire for it.

I know some reading this will believe I'll start up again, I know it's quite common, I've read many stories in these forums from those who would quit for a while and start up again, and I don't want that to be me. It was scary being physically addicted, I refuse to allow that to happen ever again.

I've also read many success stories in these forums and they inspire me to be sober. I do enjoy being sober and have appreciated the good things in life much more lately, this is the life I want.
Katzen,
I wasn't able to get sober and by that I don't mean dry, I mean sober, I told my wife everything, good, bad and the ulgy, then I still fell a couple of times, im 10 days since my last stumble, my wife still loves me and she can see how hard I'm working. There were times, just like you, I was so good at covering it all, my wife would buy me a special bottle because I was just that good at covering it all, she didnt know I was a drunk. She acted out of love and knew what I liked, when I told her everything, there was shock, and anger, but in the end she wanted to help. I guess what I'm saying is end the double life, come clean and stay sober, not dry sober, honest, with yourself, your husband, and those who love you. It is only my opinion but to me honesty and true sobriety are one and same. Ok I'm preaching, so I'll shut up.
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Old 09-15-2016, 05:09 PM
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Katzen - I can relate to you so much. My husband is very unhappy with our current situation. I am too, but he is on a deeper level. I've sobered up for weekdays, 5, 10 days in a row and I think the longest time was about 3 weeks when I've connected my sobriety to what is going on with him. Misery loves company, right?
This last time I made the decision for myself, was honest with him about it and also got other sources of accountability. Now I've just past 30 days. It's a constant struggle but the decision and accountability has to be 100% yours.
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Old 09-15-2016, 05:16 PM
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It makes things harder to flirt with the beast like that for alcoholics - personally, a small drink would be a flashing neon sign leading me straight to blackout hell, but only you can determine if you are indeed an alcoholic.
This addiction is cunning - be careful.
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Old 09-15-2016, 05:26 PM
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Sounds like no one came out on top in this story.

Unlike your husband's ex-employee, there is something that you can do immediately to set things right. And then keep it that way.
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Old 09-15-2016, 05:57 PM
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I think it's a cruel dirty trick for someone that is supposed to care about you, and knows you are chasing sobriety, and they buy you a bottle...???

That logic is waay to complicated for my simple mind.
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Old 09-15-2016, 06:01 PM
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Well, I hear you loud and clear about never over-drinking again. That is a scary abyss, and perhaps peeking over the edge of it was enough to cause you to stop. I also empathize with seeing the bottle in the freezer and knowing it's there. It's comforting, in a way. I don't have advice. Everyone has to walk their own path. For many of us--including me--it's just....simpler not to drink. Do I think I could drink like a normie again? Maybe, but for now it's just easier not to. I guess the only thing I Would suggest you keep really, really clear in mind were the actions that led you to stop drinking originally. They were probably good reasons, yes? Peace.
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Old 09-15-2016, 06:06 PM
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I know in my heart I'll never go back to over-drinking,
I really genuinely believed that for myself Katzen - hundreds of times.

It never worked out.

I know you've said you love being sober - but to be honest the part I quoted does sound like the preamble to drinking again.

There will always be reasons to drink - and some of them will appear very valid, even noble....

The end result tho is always back to square one...or worse.

Most of us have tried to accommodate some level of drinking in our lives.

I know, I tried and failed.

If you decide to try moderation, I wish you well but I think it would be the wrong choice for you.

If you decide to commit to recovery, I think you need to speak to your husband and discuss the possibility of your house being alcohol free or, at the very least, you need to accept there's really no reason valid enough for alcoholics to drink again..
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Old 09-15-2016, 06:13 PM
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Non-alcoholics don't even think about not touching their drink for half an hour. They don't think about moderation and never going back to drinking too much. I think you should tell your husband what you are trying to do if you still want to try a life free of this drug. Maybe go to an AA meeting and sit and listen then decide.
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Old 09-16-2016, 05:17 AM
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I've known in my heart that I'd never overdrink again at least a dozen times this year alone. I truly meant it at the time. Until I don't.
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Old 09-16-2016, 05:32 AM
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Yeah Im a hard headed b**** and had to test those waters. I used the big book to justify it too. Theres some sort of writing in there about something along the lines like: If you dont think your an alcoholic then go over to the bar and try some controlled drinking. HAHA. Its funny I ignored or couldnt remember the beaucoup of information in that book but honed in on that one line! I even said to my husband after one such relapse, hey the big book told me to! ( haha like the devil made me do it) but anywayssss....
Yeah, no, controlled drinking didnt work for me. Dont get me wrong, it worked, but for like a day and a half or so and then guess what? This hard headed alcoholic was right back at it, worse then before.
Anyway, guess you'll just have to wait and see what happens for you.
If you do find that your situation turns out like mine, I would suggest you be HONEST ( that is hard for us alcoholics, been lieing for so long!) with husband and subject yourself to the kind of accountability that at least I am in dire need of!
Best wishes to you!!
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Old 09-16-2016, 05:39 AM
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Your post reflects someone with self-awareness of drinking as a life issue.

What you do with that awareness is up to you.

From my own experience, once I became aware of the power alcohol had in my life, I could not live in complacency with it.
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Old 09-16-2016, 06:26 AM
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It was i.m.p.o.s.s.i.b.e for me to control my drinking. It may seem like you have "control" at the beginning, but it will slip away. There is no such thing as controlled drinking for alcoholics.
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Old 09-16-2016, 06:35 AM
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Sounds like having had that one drink you are now subcontiously concerned. You say one thing but perhaps worry about another? Only you will know.
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Old 09-16-2016, 11:26 AM
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My husband never even suspected I was drinking more than 1-2 a night

Originally Posted by cwood3 View Post
I think it's a cruel dirty trick for someone that is supposed to care about you, and knows you are chasing sobriety, and they buy you a bottle...???

That logic is waay to complicated for my simple mind.
My husband's parents were alcoholics. Very functional, dad a ceo, mom a teacher, but as soon as they came home from work they started drinking. Weekends they drank all day long. They weren't abusive or violent, but the alcohol made them giddy, silly, and he never invited friends over because they never hid their drinking, bottle sitting on the coffee table, being poured from often, he found his parents embarrassing so he vowed never to be like them.

Lots of his family members drank too much, Thanksgivings and Christmases almost all the adults got silly drunk. One reason he went to college hundreds of miles away, then stayed away and would only visit them perhaps once every 5 years or if there was a wedding or funeral.

I met husband 18 1/2 years ago, became a couple 6 months later. He treats me like a princess, and if he knew how much I was drinking I'd know he'd be supportive, but I'd have a flaw he really hated. I never lied to him, I just didn't tell him I was drinking so much and because I managed to get over it I don't feel the need to tell him. So long as I never relapse into binge drinking and I never have a medical emergency, I want to put it in my past. Reason I posted here was I felt the need to be totally honest with someone, and I felt some people here could relate without being too judgmental.

For years we rarely drank, maybe one unique cocktail or wine at a restaurant or champagne at New Years. Never ever saw him drunk, he loathed drunks. Perhaps 5 years ago his friend died, he bought a bottle of bourbon but only had a couple drinks with juice the next few nights (at most 2 oz total). He said he felt the urge to drink, but because he hated his family's drinking so much he refused to drink more than a couple. And he never has.

He started drinking about 1 bottle of bourbon a month, and I was drinking about a bottle of vodka a month, only on his week nights, but there's been times one of both of us ran out and went a week or 2 without either of us remembering to buy more, never desired it enough to make a run to the store just for booze.

My drinking got out of control due to endometriosis pain. I noticed the nights I had a couple drinks I was able to numb the pain a bit and fall asleep more easily. So I started having a couple every night. Then more during the day. I tried rx painkillers, they made me feel impaired. OTC painkillers did nothing, both rx and OTC sleep aids made me drowsy all the next day. With alcohol I never felt impaired, just a bit more relaxed, probably because I wasn't drinking a huge amount at a time, and there were many days I abstained because I ran out and didn't feel addicted enough to make a trip to the store for it. Alcohol became my "pain medicine" that I believed was safe because I was getting monthly complete blood work (due to my endo) and anything related to liver function was always fine.

But eventually I realized I wasn't drinking to control pain anymore, most of my pain was gone. I was drinking due to anxiety after we moved to a new home, and did so during the day because eventually I needed to drink or I'd get the shakes, I was devoted to quitting. Tapered off by adding water to the bottle each day, until it was then 99% water,I was done.

I never really liked the taste anyway, didn't crave it all, it was just a medicine to me that somehow became a physical addiction. Just like I refused to use rx painkillers, rx or OTC sleep aids ever again because of the way they'd made me feel, I never want to feel the shaky addiction to alcohol ever again.

The night I drank a couple days ago was actually Wednesday (I had posted Thursday, oops). Thursday I had no desire at all, same today. I won't be drinking anymore of that vodka, I'm actually dieting, stopped drinking soda and juice (that was what I usually mixed with vodka to cover the taste) and now stick to water and decaf diet green tea. Only withdrawal symptom I had when first sober was complete loss of appetite (but no nausea) for around 3-4 days, drank Gatorade. We don't own a scale but my pants are at least an inch or 2 looser, so I'm continuing to diet (appetite is back but not near as strong as it used to be) so alcohol is on my no-no list.

Will I ever drink again, maybe, but never again binge drinking. Will only drink on special occasions, only wine or champagne. Next occasion I can think of is Thanksgiving and I'm confident I can stay sober until then so may have a glass of wine.

I really believe I can handle this, I don't feel real guilt for that one drink 2 nights ago because I didn't enjoy it and don't want anymore. I also have a new appreciation for life, I want to lose more weight, get healthier, eat better (esp. more veggies). I want to live long enough to see my grandkids grow up and have kids.
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Old 09-16-2016, 11:41 AM
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In addition to what Anna and Dee said, one of the big takeaways I got from reading your post is that everyone else (husband, his employee, etc) and situation (he got it for you) is responsible for your choice to drink. No one else is responsible for our drinking- or our sobriety.

IME, and those of many on here, when we begin to make rules around drinking - ie, I can stay sober til Thanksgiving, then I might have a glass of wine- there's a problem.

Good luck. I hope you are not on a slippery slope, and look back to this time and see what we are concerned about from what you have shared.
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Old 09-16-2016, 11:47 AM
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Katzen, I must apologize. I certainly didn't mean to sound judgmental. I misunderstood. I was thinking that you were concerned about, perhaps, being an alcoholic and that your husband was aware of that and that you were trying to 'quit' drinking. That was the basis for my commentary, I obviously misunderstood.

I envy you as being able to stay on the side of the line where "normal drinkers" also stand. By my admitted alcoholism, I'm pretty sure I have to be on the other side of that line. Oh how I would love to be a "normal drinker". I wish science and medicine would come up with a vaccine similar to a flu shot, but for alcoholics, but I'm not going to live that long to see that come about.

You sound like you have things in order, I'm proud of you.
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Old 09-16-2016, 12:28 PM
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Every morning for a long time I would swear myself off alcohol in my hungover state making my way to work, and every evening those great intentions, the hoping, the wishing, the belief all went by the wayside.

That one drink, one glass, one beer would always lead to more, the problem was I drank to get drunk, what even would be the point of having one of anything? and therein lay the problem, the realisation that I had a real addiction, if I opened that door, each and every time the floodgates followed, it wasn't something that I could simply flick the switch on and off, alcohol when I consumed it controlled me, not the other way around.

I wish you well with moderating, but not something I could do, I proved that to myself over and over, round in circles I went, until I finally got off the moderation experiment, and the only way to take control of my life once again was push alcohol to the sidelines on a permanent basis!!
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Old 09-16-2016, 12:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Katzen View Post
I know in my heart I'll never go back to over-drinking, .
The heart is a pump that pumps blood and has no opinion on whether you will overdrink or not. The brain, however, knows your drinking was out of control, that you needed alcohol in the morning to keep the shakes at bay, and it labeled you as an alcoholic. And then, even after 15 sober days, it commanded you to slam that glass of vodka and is sweetalking you into moderation with promises of never overdrinking.

You said in your post you are an alcoholic.

Originally Posted by Katzen View Post
(btw, he had no idea I had become an alcoholic and had just become sober, I never felt or acted drunk.)
Alcoholics overdrink if they have even one.
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