Barkley77

It is going on a month since my 6 year relationship with an addicted ended. I had a lot of firsts in this relationship. We did a lot of adventuring together and had many new experiences that were happy and joyful so of course I don't want to forget those things. But I have been having a lot of memories surface where I realize how often he was obviously high on pain killers for these experiences. There is such an indescribable and yucky feeling that goes along with these realizations. It is hard to wrap my head around the fact that I spent so many years with someone (I was happy most of the time) who was not really present. Initially I think my own ignorance helped me along but eventually it was the hope that I held onto that kept me happy. He was very good at talking out of both sides of his mouth.
About 6 months ago I started seeing a counselor as he was seeing one for his substance abuse (short lived for him). I began keeping a journal discussing his substance abuse, my own insecurities etc. I decided to flip back in it a bit last night and it really made me realize just how little he actually tried. I had documented the first time he admitted to relapse (though I am sure it was more like continued use than relapse). I documented when he started trying to drink like a 'normal' person as he would say. I realized he had not actually tried to address his addiction much at all, and had really just continued lying under a new premise this time. Ouch. I hate this realization.
I am not sure how to put these memories and this new perspective in a place that I can stomach them. I loved him so dearly, and he was anything but what I deserved. He himself had admitted that on many occasion. But I so badly hoped that we could remain together while he found his was out of addiction. Of course, I know now, that this is no fairy tale. Only a couple weeks after our break up did I learn of him acting in ways that were no longer the man I knew. Surreal is a word I often use to describe it and yet, as I learn from reading on here, so very 'textbook' of an addict. I know it doesn't have to be this way but when I see how much of my last 6 years have been impacted by drugs and alcohol it is hard to feel like it was just a throw-away relationship. I don't want it to feel like a waste and I know that I will get something out of it. Many things I am sure. But how quickly my memory creeps in to remind me that this relationship wasn't what I had always hoped it could be and that even some of the things that gave me hope and made me feel loved, were actually influenced by drug use. I hate even typing that.
I just thought I would post in case this is a stage that others here can relate to.

Ann

It's not a stage, Barkley, it's a self realization that, as painful as it may be, will lead to growth. Mistakes in our lives are strangely wrapped gifts sometimes, when they help us recognize our own insecurities and misgivings and help us learn from the past and use these lessons to ensure a happier, healthier future. Some call it "the school of hard knocks".

We cannot change the past, not one moment of it, but the future is all ours to live as we choose...learning from our lessons or repeating them until we do.

The thinking that helped me, when I kept looking back on my son's addiction and the darkest days of my life, was to think of my progress as moving out of the problem (his addiction and my codependency) and into the solution (my recovery). Today I continue to live in the solution and my life is healthy, happy, peaceful and spiritually free.

Hugs

Maudcat

I have a colleague who ended 7 year relationship a little while ago. There were many reasons, one of which was that the SO was an habitual pot smoker. My friend and colleague, like yourself, came to feel that he really wasn't "present" for her, and that the pot came before everything and everybody else. I bring this up because they have had to divide some property--now successfully finalized-- and she found it frustrating. She came to see that he would say one thing about what she could take, then backtrack on his promises because he was high when he promised, not high when he backtracked. They did eventually come to agreement, but not without some drama. Peace.

Sunshine1234

I can so relate to how you feel. It's such an unsettling feeling to think that possibly the entire relationship was based on some fantasy and that he was never the person you thought he was. I think of this every day and sometimes I carry such guilt of why couldn't I see this. I thought I was a good judge of character so how could I not see someone that was closest to me for who he was. I was with my STBXH for 5 years...have 2 AMAZING children together. Now I won't even speak to him because I can't take his manipulation and finally feel like the wool has been lifted off of my eyes. I wanted so bad for him to be this amazing man that had that "success story"...but now I realize how sick I was and how I tried to make him be someone he just wasn't. Such a mix of emotions...but like Ann said its a strangely wrapped gift...one day we will be able to see why it happened. I know for me that I wouldn't take a thing back because I have my beautiful kids that are my world. Sending hugs to you and know you are definitely not alone.

atalose

I agree with Ann, it’s not a stage it’s a self realization that hopefully will lead to growth.

When doing the after breaking up assessment it’s easy to pin point the addict behaviors, the lies and manipulations. How their words didn’t always match their actions etc. etc.

The hard part is in assessing OUR OWN PART and figuring out all of those mistakes so that we don’t repeat it again with our next relationship.

Barkley77

Thanks for the responses. Something about knowing people are/have been on the same page as me helps. Of course friends and family hold mostly anger toward my ex but I carry such a mix of emotions because it was my relationship and only I could have experienced it as I did. It is nice to just be allowed to feel whatever it is that I feel.

Barkley77

Sunshine1234,

When you mentioned your hope for him to be this 'success story' I feel like you are taking the words right from my mind. That was my driving force. The hope that my ex would be a success story and some day we would look back at these times and his addiction as just a tough point in time that we had moved past. It is sad to admit such a thing because I am sure it seems so irrational to anyone on the outside.

Thelyoness83

Wow every single bit of this thread is hitting hard. I think I shouldn't look at this forum at work anymore, because I just cry. But in a relieving sort of way, because as others have said, it helps to know you aren't alone and others can relate because they have been in your shoes. This weekend is our wedding anniversary and we've just been fighting and he told me to cancel our plans. At first I figured we would make up by this weekend and go. But I am realizing that there's no real 'making up' anymore. 'Making up' is just me deciding to not be mad anymore, because I am tired of being angry for that particular fight. This is a cycle that happens over and over. I get mad, we kind of ignore each other, he never apologizes or seems sincere if he does, and after a while I just drop the anger and am nice to him, therefore he is nice to me, and we get along ok until the next time. But what really hit me in your post is how 'not there' he is. I was just thinking last night he just seems like a shell of a person. No real emotions besides anger or indifference. No loving, no sweetness, no caring. Just there. So even if we were to go this weekend, I am not 'spending time' with my husband, I'm not having a romantic weekend getaway. I'm just going somewhere with someone who I used to have a connection with. And sure maybe in the past we still had fun but I cannot have fun around this person anymore. The old person I had a blast with. There is no meaningful connection with someone who you cannot trust and who has looked you in the eye and lied to you over and over again. There's just not much between us. He has let me down so many times and does not make amends for it. We barely talk and when we do it's just correspondence about the kids' day. The worst part is he doesn't seem to care if our marriage is over. I am just so hurt and torn up about it. Even though I have said all this to him, he doesn't seem to get how dire the situation is and how close I am to divorcing him. He's just getting by, getting to see his kids, living in our house, and keeping up appearances. But like you, we had so many good times over the years but I guess it was only because I was in denial or was able to push down my emotions and now I cannot anymore. I dont know, maybe the addiction didn't bother me as much then?? Is that a crazy notion?? That I knew about it but it didn't affect our lives or relationship at that point so I didn't have a problem with it??? I too am holding on to hope and a success story.

Barkley77

Thelyoness83,

I feel hurt for you to read what you are going through. There is such a dysfunction that comes from knowing a person who once was but isn't anymore. You knew their potential, you knew what it felt like to be truly loved and cared for by them, but that's not there anymore. So many 'dates' or special trips we would go on and I would be trying so hard to feel what I used to feel from him. But as you said, he was just indifferent. He was only existing and every once and awhile he would fake it as much as he could to 'keep up appearances.' If your husband is using, he does not have the capacity to 'get how dire the situation is.' That was a realization I had and, to be honest, am still having to some degree. The realization that even though the man I knew and loved would be broken hearted to see what has happened to us now, the man he is now is so lost in his addiction he literally doesn't know how to feel. He's not grieving like I am because for years he wasn't present like I was. I'll pray for you!