Notices

Bug is rocking sobriety with 77 days alcohol free! But...

Old 09-14-2016, 08:32 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Thread Starter
 
Lightning Bug's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Bug is rocking sobriety with 77 days alcohol free! But...

There is always a but, right? I do have 77 days alcohol free and I am celebrating that with some cookies and milk.

But I did something stupid today. I took my daughter to the doctor for an ADHD med check. We got her prescription and took it to Walgreens. We waited patiently for it. Then we got it, I was holding a controlled substance in my hand. The feelings of excitement and elation came back, consumed me, and then I took 4 of the pills in the parking lot. I rationalized that it was OK because the doctor said she doesn't have to take them on the weekends. So 8 pills won't be used. I convinced myself as I swallowed the pills that it was no big deal. Yeah right.

So I sit here in an amphetamine high from pills I took from my 7 year old daughter and I am both consumed with shame and regret, but also strength and confidence. I took the pills, I can't change that. What I can do is use this as a learning tool. I will prepare myself to make sure I never pick up the prescription anymore. My husband can do it and then put it in the safe.

I am also confident that I won't do this again. It was a stupid, impulsive mistake that is done and over. I am not using this experience to fall back into the pits of addiction. I am not using this as a reason to find more drugs. I won't let one mistake topple the mountain I am building. Moving on, learned my lesson, confessed to my sister, then on my blog, and now here.

You can fall off the wagon but you can also grab the reins and swing right back up. That is what I am doing. I will be back in the driver's seat soon enough.
Lightning Bug is offline  
Old 09-14-2016, 08:39 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
ScottFromWI's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Not sure what to say LB...glad you recognize the issue, but I hope you can look seriously at a plan that will help you deal with tempation better in the future. I also thing having your husband handle your daughters meds would be a smart ideal. You put her in danger driving home high....you need to find a better way to deal with this.
ScottFromWI is offline  
Old 09-14-2016, 08:59 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Thread Starter
 
Lightning Bug's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
Not sure what to say LB...glad you recognize the issue, but I hope you can look seriously at a plan that will help you deal with tempation better in the future. I also thing having your husband handle your daughters meds would be a smart ideal. You put her in danger driving home high....you need to find a better way to deal with this.
Thanks Scott. I understand when you said you don't know what to say. Neither do I.

My recovery program is missing the tool to deal with impulsive actions. I am using tools from different programs, but I am mostly using Smart Recovery. I need to study it more. I need to learn how to control myself.

I have to learn to be around substances without giving in. I have to give her the pill - I need to learn that it is not mine. I did it with alcohol. I can be around my husband when he drinks. I can buy him beer. I can keep it in my fridge. I don't give in to temptation to drink. Now I have to be around pills and not give in.

I am strong enough, I won't make this mistake again.
Lightning Bug is offline  
Old 09-14-2016, 09:27 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Delizadee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Do you have a professional you can work with on this Bug? Sometimes we are not strong enough to keep from making these mistakes, it is our impulsive addictions.
If the temptation even rises again, I'd come clean in real life and be very honest about it and have someone else handle the medication.
I have a lot of medications I take everyday. There are measures that can and should be put in place if you find yourself falling prey to temptation. I am very honest about what I am doing with my meds and I am monitored by my pharmacy.
I would use RIGOROUS HONESTY with yourself and with your husband regarding this. It's nothing to be ashamed of going forward- taking ownership by handling the responsibility to someone else to keep yourself safe is a GOOD call and is taking the reins and being strong.

Please think carefully about the difference between how you posted your resolution to this incident and the words posted here. I understand the good intention in your post. But part of the plan for future safety would be to come clean and be honest because we all know how well resolutions made in an and kept solely in an addict's brain turn out in the long run.

Please Bug, take care of you. And your family. Absolutely no judgment from me. You are doing well. But I always think we need to be honest with ourselves and call things for what they are.


And great job of 77 days of sobriety!
Delizadee is offline  
Old 09-14-2016, 09:36 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Thread Starter
 
Lightning Bug's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Oh I am being completely honest about what I did. I have told my husband that he needs to handle the meds. My daughter is not the only one with ADHD. I take meds for it. They are kept in a safe and are doled out to me as prescribed. I am not strong enough in my recovery to handle meds. I rely on my husband.

Today I realized that I cannot fill her prescription. He has to do it, just like he has to fill mine. I long for the day that I could do it. It is coming, I just have to work my program.

I have decided to go back to my therapist. I wasn't willing to pay cash for sessions after my insurance changed. But now I realize I need therapy, so I am going to work it in my budget.
Lightning Bug is offline  
Old 09-14-2016, 10:03 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Delizadee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Good for you Bug You are light years ahead of me then.
I am still reaching pretty deep to get to my self-honesty.
I'm glad you are going back to your therapist. I know how crucial my counselling is to me. I think you are pretty self-aware.
Delizadee is offline  
Old 09-14-2016, 10:03 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,043
Hi Bug

I'm glad you're back

Don't underestimate this thing - it will take you down - any way it can - and leave you in the dirt if you let it.

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 09-14-2016, 10:17 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Mountainmanbob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Bug you have learned one good lesson -- keep a close eye on yourself. It's been working for me for a while now, I only trust myself to a certain point. I don't test myself because, I've been known to deceive myself.
M-Bob
Mountainmanbob is offline  
Old 09-14-2016, 10:24 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Thread Starter
 
Lightning Bug's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Hi Bug

I'm glad you're back

Don't underestimate this thing - it will take you down - any way it can - and leave you in the dirt if you let it.

D
I am glad to be back here posting. I have had a tough week or two because I am finalizing the code for the software application I wrote and we are going to be rolling it out to users very soon. It has been a very hectic week and I couldn't get any personal time to come by. This would have been the perfect time to pick up a drink to calm me down. But I haven't. And I won't.

Now the mistake I made today will not be forgotten. I have to deal with it. I have to understand the reason why. I have to find out why I failed and figure out the ways to deal with the temptations that come my way. Therapy is going to help.

Thanks Dee.
Lightning Bug is offline  
Old 09-14-2016, 10:29 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Thread Starter
 
Lightning Bug's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob View Post
Bug you have learned one good lesson -- keep a close eye on yourself. It's been working for me for a while now, I only trust myself to a certain point. I don't test myself because, I've been known to deceive myself.
M-Bob
I love your replies M-Bob. You slip some wisdom in each one. I don't trust myself at all. And I deceive myself with excuses and rarionalizations. I tried to rationalize today's mistake by telling myself lies. I am disgusted, but I have learned my lesson. Now I will keep an eye on myself. Because I can slip at any time.
Lightning Bug is offline  
Old 09-14-2016, 10:33 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Thread Starter
 
Lightning Bug's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Originally Posted by Delizadee View Post
Good for you Bug You are light years ahead of me then.
I am still reaching pretty deep to get to my self-honesty.
I'm glad you are going back to your therapist. I know how crucial my counselling is to me. I think you are pretty self-aware.
I came right out and told my husband that I took 4 pills. The old me would have given him the bottle to lock up and just hope he wouldn't count the pills. But honesty is part of my recovery program. So I confessed.

I have to go back to therapy. I am desperate to talk through itall.

Thanks Deli
Lightning Bug is offline  
Old 09-15-2016, 02:17 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
FLCamper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
Congratulations on 77 days. You must feel great! Hope you are proud of yourself for that accomplishment.
FLCamper is offline  
Old 09-15-2016, 04:08 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Thread Starter
 
Lightning Bug's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Originally Posted by FLCamper View Post
Congratulations on 77 days. You must feel great! Hope you are proud of yourself for that accomplishment.
Yes, I really am. 77 days of no alcohol and 77 days of no benzos. Those are my drug of choice and I am so proud of myself for that.

I am going to make this day the best that I can. Have a plan and work that plan. I am on top of that!
Lightning Bug is offline  
Old 09-15-2016, 04:12 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
WhiskeyBent's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 371
Your honesty is refreshing.
WhiskeyBent is offline  
Old 09-15-2016, 04:20 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Thread Starter
 
Lightning Bug's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Originally Posted by WhiskeyBent View Post
Your honesty is refreshing.
Thank you. Honesty was one of my biggest changes. I poured out a ton of it this morning on my blog. Link is on my profile if you want to check it out.
Lightning Bug is offline  
Old 09-15-2016, 06:13 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Thread Starter
 
Lightning Bug's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
I am feeling so much better today. I am moving on and working my plan. Thanks for.listening to me whine.
Lightning Bug is offline  
Old 09-15-2016, 06:19 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by Delizadee View Post
Do you have a professional you can work with on this Bug? Sometimes we are not strong enough to keep from making these mistakes, it is our impulsive addictions.
If the temptation even rises again, I'd come clean in real life and be very honest about it and have someone else handle the medication
.
(me, too) There are measures that can and should be put in place if you find yourself falling prey to temptation. I am very honest about what I am doing with my meds and I am monitored by my pharmacy.
I would use RIGOROUS HONESTY with yourself and with your husband regarding this. It's nothing to be ashamed of going forward- taking ownership by handling the responsibility to someone else to keep yourself safe is a GOOD call and is taking the reins and being strong.

Please think carefully about the difference between how you posted your resolution to this incident and the words posted here. I understand the good intention in your post. But part of the plan for future safety would be to come clean and be honest because we all know how well resolutions made in an and kept solely in an addict's brain turn out in the long run.

Please Bug, take care of you. And your family. Absolutely no judgment from me. You are doing well. But I always think we need to be honest with ourselves and call things for what they are.


And great job of 77 days of sobriety!
^^^This, every word. I highlighted the parts I feel about most strongly. I too take a number of meds and my dr rules the regimen on that, and I follow. I had one time where I got mixed up on taking which ones/right away and went straight to her so we could untangle what I'd done, count and get back on the plan. That wasn't intentional, but I was honest and asked for help.

Part of recovery, IMO, is being substance-free (this could mean anything that replaces our alcohol abuse to cope!) all around, except under the things a dr prescribes to US, whether on the regular or as needed in special circumstances like surgery/pain/such, also done under honest communication and supervision.

I wouldn't necessarily call this a relapse....technically....but it is the edge of a slippery slope that could quickly get you justifying....drinking. That's not what you want at all!

Please take this seriously and address it ASAP in the honest way already suggested. You can do it.
August252015 is offline  
Old 09-15-2016, 06:52 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Thread Starter
 
Lightning Bug's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Originally Posted by August252015 View Post

Part of recovery, IMO, is being substance-free (this could mean anything that replaces our alcohol abuse to cope!) all around, except under the things a dr prescribes to US, whether on the regular or as needed in special circumstances like surgery/pain/such, also done under honest communication and supervision.

Please take this seriously and address it ASAP in the honest way already suggested. You can do it.
I won't ever be considered clean at NA. I am prescribed a cocktail of psych meds that were chosen after years of trial and error. These meds finally work for me. One of them is controlled, Adderall for my ADHD. My husband locks it up in a safe and he gives me my dose every day. This med gets normal people high. But to people who really have ADHD this drug calms them down, gets rid of racing thoughts, and relaxes their hyperactivity.

NA would say that it is a mind-altering drug and by taking it I am not clean. Even though I take it as prescribed. And I am prescribed it. Then because of that I would be asked not to share.

To be honest with you, the only thing I care about is me not drinking and not taking benzos. People can call me clean, they can say I am not clean, they can call me sober or not, they can say I am not in real recovery. It doesn't matter to me. I just never want to be drunk or stoned off benzos ever again.

Thank you for urging me to take it seriously. I am taking it very seriously. I could have blown this off and never tell anyone about it. But I didn't. And I am working on my plan to devise better strategies for dealing with impulsive behavior.
Lightning Bug is offline  
Old 09-15-2016, 07:44 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,326
I'm glad you recognize the seriousness of this, Bug and that you are going to continue therapy.
Anna is offline  
Old 09-15-2016, 08:01 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
EndGame
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by Lightning Bug View Post
I am glad to be back here posting. I have had a tough week or two because I am finalizing the code for the software application I wrote and we are going to be rolling it out to users very soon. It has been a very hectic week and I couldn't get any personal time to come by. This would have been the perfect time to pick up a drink to calm me down. But I haven't. And I won't.
There is no such time as a "perfect time to pick up a drink." Or a drug.

Happy that you didn't extend your decision to get high. I'm also curious as how it came to be that you were in a position to be holding drugs that, as it seems, have been to this point locked up and dispensed by your husband; drugs with which you already knew you have a problem. And what you were thinking leading up to actually taking the drugs.

Given the little information you've offered around the circumstances that brought you to having the drugs in your sole possession, your relapse, or whatever you choose to describe it as, seems much more like a plan than an accident.
EndGameNYC is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:14 AM.