SoloMio

I'm already mulling the 50, but I just need one and I'm overwhelmed. Here are the bullets:

• We co-own our home (but I'm the only one on the mortgage)
• BIL lives next door, in a home co-owned by him and AH (I am not on the deed--as inherited property, I have no legal rights, even though I've shoveled thousands into that house, which is another story)
• BIL is a minimum-wage worker. He lived in that house until his mother died, and has frittered away the few bucks she left him and now he's had an 'oh, sh*t' moment where he realizes he can't even afford to live in a paid-for house. We have not made him pay rent, so there's been an opportunity cost lost there.
• So, he's selling the house. We plan to list it this weekend.
• I have always wanted to go back to New England, even though I have lived in this NJ home for 30 years.
• I was thinking of getting an apartment in VT to see if I like living there, near 3 of my kids (my 4th is still in NJ)
• DH is into the idea of living in VT. He thinks it might be a good change of scenery for him, but I told him I am NOT planning ANY future moves if he is still drinking.

This sounds SO fundamental, but who goes where?? I have TWICE gone off and rented a winter rental in a beach community to get away from the drinking, which I can do again. But part of me resents the fact that I have to upset my life. I have my home office here where I do all my work.

Yet, I love VT.

I don't want to jeopardize what I may be able to get from DH's share of the house (I put myself in financial ruin bringing his mother to NJ but that's another story)

I feel overwhelmed, and I'm asking for "what would you do?" Bide time until the house is sold? Tell him to skip the sale and just move in with his brother? Take off and move to VT?

But he is progressing with the alcoholism and I have taken your words to heart and it is all just plain ridiculous

Maudcat

It sounds like you want to leave him but are worried about losing your share of the house. Have you gotten legal help yet? Always good when property is involved. Would he be willing to move in with brother? Doesn't seem as though that's the answer, but it may giv you some thinking room.

firebolt

Ha - this song was my ANTHEM for about the last 2 years of my relationship with XABF.

I got myself so hung up on the rental market in my town, weather or not the place would take my pets, how close to work, the cost, when college was in session because it was hard to find a rental, maybe I could buy in time, freaking myself out over added expenses....

And it all happened anyway - and NOT on my timeline...thank God....I had to scramble, and I found something. It didn't have a garage, it was further from work, and more $ than I wanted to pay, it was too close to XABF, it was a 4plex - YUCK (lol), i wouldn't have a garden, and the street to it is 15 mph during the hours I am at work. It just seemed ghastly to me at that moment, but I took it out of desperation.

And - I CAN afford it, my upstairs neighbors in the 4 plex make my ceiling creek, but so what, my pets are there, my garage is a rental a block away, I ride my motorcycle to work and save gas $, I drive 1 extra block to avoid the X on his way to work, got rid of cable and saved $, the 15mph doesn't matter in the slightest, and I built a garden in the back yard anyway.

MOST importantly....i come home to a peaceful, clean, lovely smelling apartment. THere has not been 1 argument in my home. I have not slept in a room that smells like a distillery once. There has not been one hateful or raised voice there. The financial hit hasn't been that bad...and for the peace alone....it was worth every penny and then some.

Granted, I wasn't married and had no real joint property to dispute, but I know I made mountains out of molehills when it came to changing my life...if even for the better.

And there is some wisdom in that anthem of ours...

The answer is easy if you take it logically
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

honeypig

Just wanted to weigh in on the "mountains out of molehills" thing--I too am guilty as charged! I had any number of reasons it would be too hard being here alone--huge yard to maintain, long gravel driveway to keep clear in the winter, old house that's expensive to heat, old dogs that can't stay alone too long, yada yada...

And you know what? NONE of it has turned out as horribly as I imagined. In fact, most of it has gone pretty well. I do still call on XAH once in a while to check in on the dogs, and yeah, I wish I wasn't the only one doing all the mowing and snow removal--it does get to be a lot--but it is doable. For now, I have compelling reasons to stay where I am. In years to come, I will likely move someplace more manageable, but I'm not ready to leave my trees and my land and my privacy yet.

I wouldn't say my concerns were 100% smoke screen to cover my fears; there was at least some legitimacy to them. But solutions have been found to all the problems so far.

SoloMio

Arghh.. so sorry for leaving this hanging.. BTW, I love that quote, firebolt:

I think AH's trip up to see the three kids who live in VT a couple of weeks ago was one of my turning points. Life when he was gone was so... normal! I usually depend on my job sending me all over the country to get that "normal" but when I was in my OWN home, alone, it was different. It was the normal I really want to claim for myself.

And while I was sitting in my own back yard in total peace I would get texts from my kids and AH about crazy goings-on up there.. he was cut off from drinking at a restaurant, he embarrassed my son by screaming all kinds of stuff at the bartender...and he texted me more craziness about wanting to come home early but haha, I could ignore it! I felt bad for my kids, especially my second son who really gets extremely anxious over his drinking, but I was happy to just let them deal with it. They're adults, and they only had him for 4 days.

There were fragments of other things.. Elizabeth Vargas's interview on 20/20; the book Hillbilly Elegy, which I just finished a couple of days ago, the psychological strength I've found in running since July, some stuff I've been reading here.

It has all led me to a place in which I just feel differently.

He has sensed a change in me and he rustled himself to AA yesterday, and then again tonight, but he came home a half hour earlier than expected and complained about the people there and then he told me he's the "perfect alcoholic." What does that mean??

Oh, well. if he's the perfect alcoholic, I've been the perfect codependent, but I just feel a greater sense of clarity now. I'm going to try to hit a few Al-Anon meetings next week.

Thanks for the experience and advice..

firebolt

I'm glad you got some much needed peace. Towards the end with my XABF, i just remember feeling so much more free - so much more myself the more time spent away for him....

The momentum, motivation and eventual desperate need to flee grew from there.

JansSushiBar

Ah, welcome to my world - all the reasons I can't leave.

I'm 53 and have worked for my husband's company for the last 12 years and am having one helluva time finding a job in an area with a depressed economy.

I can't move to another state because my youngest is in college and my legal address is his legal address and he needs to live in Ohio to continue to qualify for the state resident "cheaper" tuition rate.

I don't want to move to another state because my daughter and grandson are here.

I literally own nothing - my husband's ownership of both the house and the business predates our marriage. This is a second marriage for both of us and we have no children together, so if he decides to keep the house (and the one discussion we've had about it confirmed that he does) there's nothing I can do about it. I don't even have a car - we only have one (no need for two, since we drive to work together), and it's in his name. I doubt I'd even get alimony, since in Ohio it's based on the length of the marriage, the income disparity between the two parties and the earning potential of the person asking for it. It matters not that I can't find a job making as much as I do at my husband's company - I have the potential to.

Again, I'm 53 and starting completely over again is something I really don't want to do.

It angers me to no end that I will have nothing to show for the last 20 years. But I've gotten to the point where I would rather start over with nothing and not be able to retire until I'm 70 - if at all - rather than stay in this marriage any longer. I'm still looking for a decent-paying job, but I'm getting to the point where I'm considering 2 lower paying jobs just so I can get OUT.

SoloMio

I saw an apartment I'm so tempted to act on. I have been really hankering to move to a city that 3 out of 4 of my kids live in. It's a great city. I have been trying to talk AH into moving there for a while and he doesn't want to because it's in a cold climate, although he would consider it if instead of a permanent home we got a lakeside summer cottage up there, which I'm not doing if he's drinking and I've told him that (plus we can't afford two homes)

Anyway, yesterday I saw a listing for an apartment that is under $800/month--very, very cheap for this area. It's in a nice walkable section of the city, between my DD and DS.

I can see a lot of good reasons to make this the "next step" but also reasons not to.
Reason to do it:
--I like the area a lot
--It's very affordable
--It's very near an airport (I travel a lot for business)
--It gives me an option for getting away at any time--or staying there if I make THE decision.

Reasons not to:
--It's still $800 a month and what if I wind up not using it?? What if I chicken out? I have lots of debt I'm working like mad to get rid of and that would slow me down for sure.
--I don't want to move nearby the kids if it means I saddle them with family drama. At one point AH and I were going to do a "test drive" by subletting an apartment up there, and one of my sons told me that he was not looking forward to his father's antics if we moved up there. So while it would be such a comfort for ME to be up there with them, I don't want my comfort to come at the expense of their peace of mind. There's a reason kids move away from their parents (and our family is actually very close).
--I don't want to trigger his being defensive or protective over the proceeds of the sale of BIL's house. I am not on the deed. I have a lot to lose, because I am the one that has been saddled with this debt (he has no income) and if I'm living with him and playing nice, I have more influence over convincing him to use the proceeds to pay off the debt.

I guess the good thing is, this apartment is in an apartment building and another apartment could pop up if I pass this one by. Also, the alternative is to get a furnished winter sublet in a beach town, which I have done twice before.

Advice? Thoughts?

LexieCat

Do you really want to be held hostage over a HOUSE? There's no guarantee you'd ever see a dime of that money.

OTOH, if you move, you might get the gumption to file for divorce, forcing a sale of the marital home, and you'll free up a big chunk of money right there.

Personally, I think it's a no-brainer. Your kids are responsible for their own boundaries regarding their dad (and you). I think getting a place that feels like "home" will make it easier for you to take those final steps. Plus you will have people who love you nearby. I think the positives FAR outweigh the "negatives" you listed.

dandylion

SoloMio....If someone asked you what meant the very most to you....what would be your honest answer?

SoloMio

That's a hard question.. I'll answer it in two ways:

#1 Today I was remembering how I missed being with my mother on her last birthday because even though I had planned to go and see her, AH and MIL wanted to go skiing instead, and I didn't push back. Just today I thought to myself that on my deathbed I'll have to account for the fact that there were times I didn't assert my needs when it really mattered. That will be my biggest regret.

#2 What means the very most to me is embodied in the life I had almost every summer when I lived with my great-aunt in her summer cottage. It was a peaceful, simple life. Memories of it wash over me, down to the farmhouse sink, the smell of Ivory Snow, the breakfast table set with Edwardian china, laughing with my family and my friends completely alcohol-free, and evenings watching the sun set with my drawings. A description of a life made cheesy by on-line dating site cliches, but that was my life and I treasured it.

Does that answer your question I feel like you were asking with a purpose in mind.

dandylion

Solo....Yes, I can relate to your cherished memories...I have similar ones from my own childhood, living in the deep mountains with my grandmother during the summers and holidays. Still is the safe place to go, in my mind. I remember the smell of Lifebuoy soap and pieces of Edwardian china and the smell of newborn kittens in the barn loft.

The reason that I asked the question was to help you prioritize your values so that you can have more clarity--to help you with the decisions that you are trying to make, right now.

Yes, it is a hard question, and one may need to think on it for a while....
Right now, what matters to you the very most....what do you yearn for the most....very, very deep inside.

firebolt

#2 sounds beautiful.

Oh my you have a big decision to make! I can tell you that now that I'm about a year removed from XABF, all I wish is that I had done it sooner. Just the moving out part even.

I still umm "hung around" with him for a few months after I moved out. He sobered up for a short while, and it's just hard to break completely. Because I was in my own place rather than his, It gave me the power to remove him when I couldn't deal with him anymore.

I had unspoken rules for my place. No yelling. No deceit. No drunken people. No disrespect. When those were broken, I said no more - not in my house, and that was the end of it forever with him...and I only had that ability because we no longer cohabitated.

It gave me the space to clear my head, the strength to see that I was more than fine alone, and the peace to know that I never want my life anything less than peaceful. And I had said no to a few more perfect places before I finally did it, so I am lacking some conveniences, and paying more because I didn't jump on the earlier ones. Anywho - it's still worth it. Keep finding ways and fantasizing about a better life - you'll get there!!