Darwinia

I know that I am banging on about this so I apologise in advance but I do not seem to make any progress on the socialising front.

I am four months sober now and every social occasion is a burden. Problem is I used to be very social as a drunk. I am invited out often and have just been lying and using every excuse in the book not to go these last four months. The times I did go I loathed every minute. All I could think of is how bored I am and how I am absolutely not having fun.

I know this is terribly self-centred. I am sure my friends, collegues and clients who invite me out couldn't care less if I drink or not. They are still having fun. For me it takes every ounce of energy and pretence to chime in with the jollity of the others. And afterwards I am totally miserable.

I know the problem is with me. Sober I just don't fit in.

Perhaps I just need to accept that sobriety for me will mean living like a recluse. The thought is a lot more appealing than socialising without booze.

doggonecarl

That's not recovery.

As long as you associate being social and having fun with drinking, you are going to be uncomfortable in social settings where you would normally drink. Worse, if you aren't experiencing the full range of life while sober, your resentment of sobriety will fester and the risk of relapse becomes serious.

It's a mindset. Your current one has to change. I'm sure there was a time, before you began drinking, where you had fun and was social...without alcohol. You can again.

ScottFromWI

You don't need to accept that at all. However, I had to open my horizons a bit and recognize that "socializing" isn't exclusive to hanging out in bars or clubs. There are a whole host of events, clubs, groups, etc that hold social gatherings that don't involve alcohol at all. Book clubs, exercise clubs, community and service organizations, volunteer groups, church groups, etc... All of them hold events and or meetings/gatherings and most do not involve alcohol at all, or if they do it's not the primary focus.

Of course this also means that we sometimes need to change the people we "socialize" with. And yes, that sometimes means cutting personal ties with people we've known for years. Some of the people I would have considered my best friends for a long time were really just drinking buddies. Once alcohol was not part of my life anymore we really had nothing in common. It's a hard but true reality of living a sober life...hanging out in bars is just something we cant' do much ( if at all ) anymore.

Darwinia

Thanks Scott but therein lies my problem. And I do accept it is a serious character defect. I just do not enjoy being with people socially without booze. I am perfectly happy to be alone without alcohol. I work long hours so the time alone is precious and I have enough to do. I am a ferocious reader, I play the piano, I still play golf once a week. I do not need activities. I want the fun of my previous life but without alcohol and that seems not possible.

tomsteve

you say you used to be very social as a drunk.
BEFORE you would start to drink or even go out to those social occasions, how did you feel about the social occasions?

ya know, ya don't have to lie about why you don't attend the occasions. youre allowed to be honest if asked.

tomsteve

that reads like you could be an introvert, which theres nothing wrong with.
what fun are you looking to want?

Darwinia

I looked forward to the social occasions because I knew after a few drinks I would start enjoying myself. And yes, I don't have to lie. I can tell people I can't socialise without alcohol, and that will leave me exactly where I said in my post. A recluse. That was the point of my post. I see no other way.

stevieg46

Do you think fun is akin to taking alcohol ? taking the steps will remove the obsession , the problem will be removed , we will be restored to sanity , big book talks about ''neutrality '' which means not for and not against , means being ''comfortable ''in all situations . Darwinia if I am not comfortable I remove me , it seems to me as if you are not comfortable around alcohol , yet totally comfortable when alcohol is not present , I have many friends who have a drink , they are unconcerned about what is in my glass same as it does not bother me what they are drinking . Its about ''fitting in '' and the best way I have found to do this is ''getting rid of old ideas '' like having fun must involve alcohol on social occasions .

Stevie recovered 12 03 2006

entropy1964

You haven't been sober for very long. Be patient. Becoming an alcoholic and becoming dependent on it to have fun probably took more than 4 months.

I know my brain is habituated to crave alcohol. When I recreate the environment and /or emotions of my drinking, my brain is trained to expect it. And my addiction is not fond of not getting its way, so it pitches a fit. It takes time to change behavior. In early sobriety I don't like to put myself in to many situations where I would usually drink. For me that's being alone and isolating...among other things.

And you can learn to have fun sober. I find that if I get outside myself. Stop thinking about me me me and engage the people I am with, let them talk and simply listen? I can have a lot of fun. And if that isn't possible? Maybe the company I am keeping is simply not for the sober me.

Progress, not perfection!

dwtbd

Have you always been as proficient at golf as you currently are?, enough I assume to enjoy it?

LadyBlue0527

Hi Darwinia,

If you were invited out with a bunch of people and it had nothing to do with drinking how do you feel about attending then?

Even the last time through, with 17 months sober, I did not enjoy being out with people whose total purpose was to sit, have conversation, and drink. That just doesn't interest me anymore. I'd rather stay at home and read a good book or watch a good movie. In fact, the entire reason for relapse (outside of not being mindful of staying active in recovery) was because there was a social setting that was all based around alcohol. I should have never gone. I won't make the same mistake again.

Would these same people be up for getting out and doing things without alcohol? If you find yourself considering this and it still doesn't sound like fun then it sounds more like you're not missing the socializing rather the drinking. I am only guessing here because I too have been there. If you remove the alcohol from the entire equation is it still as important for you to go?

ScottFromWI

That doesn't mean you cannot learn to. I didn't enjoy it much either at first. 4 months of sobriety is a great accomplishment, but it's still very early in the grand scheme of things. I've had to re-learn how to do a LOT of things in my life. I couldn't have imagined enjoying a football game on TV without a beer in my hand. Nor could I have fathomed going on a camping trip with my family or friends without a giant cooler full of beer nearby. I could list lots and lots of things I couldn't have concieved without alcohol, and quite frankly at first I did NOT enjoy those things without alcohol. It probably took me at least as full year to even start to be able to get back out and do things socially and actually enjoy them.

Don't ever sell yourself short for your ability to evolve and change though, we all have it. Heck, you need to look not much further than your username for inspiration on that front :-)

Soberpotamus

You have a stack of building blocks, all stacked together, and then you go and remove one large block at the bottom (drinking), and what happens to the rest? They all shift, and gravity does its job, and you have some rough settling at the bottom as it rearranges on its way down.

That's what's going on right now. Both in the brain and for you, socially.

As things adjust, rewire, and you find your bearings, you might also find some of your values change. It really is a mindset. And the way we adapt to the change.

Don't lose heart. I think Dee or someone says that it's in the moment of fear, in the darkest moments of despair, that it's most important to grasp onto faith.

tomsteve

you knew AFTER a few drinks you could socialize. is there the possibility you may just have to learn how to socialize without alcohol?

it was extremely uncomfortable for me for quite some time. alcohol was pretty much the center of my socializing for a very long time. so i had to feel uncomfortable until i learned how to feel comfortable.

tursiops999

"I can't ___________ without alcohol." Fill in the blank -- socialize, golf, go sailing, watch the sunset -- can't do any of these without alcohol. The addicted part of my brain wanted me to believe that, because it wanted me to drink!

I have been amazed in sobriety, that with time, I have re-learned to do pretty much everything I used to do with alcohol, but now I can do without alcohol. It is a learning process, and the first time through was often uncomfortable. But it's a false choice to say it's drinking vs. living a full life -- a false choice that the addict in my head wants me to believe is true.

Darwinia

I hope time will bring solace. It just seems that everybody on this forum made the transition a lot easier. I am also just a bit miserable because tomorrow I have two social functions. Sigh.

Fly N Buy

It
Just
Takes
Time............

keep coming back

tomsteve

some had it easy, but not EVERYONE.
i sure didnt. it took T.I.M.E.

August252015

Agree with a lot of the above and just have one thing to add....perhaps comparing to others- whether their paths to sobriety, or their social lives drinking, etc- is a perspective you need to change. The better/more/different thing is a good way to feel...worse/lesser/unaccepted.

EndGameNYC

Learning is rarely about acquiring new information. We get that everyday from the News, the Internet and other people. Most facts that are new to me are trivial, such as whether or not Buddhist monks wear boxers beneath their robes, or how deep is the Mediterranean Sea at its deepest point. And there are few things that are more trivial than trivia that I can do without.

As a piece of trivia, it's suggested but not stated directly in the Philosophy of Plato, and as described by Socrates, that true learning, knowledge, is about acquiring a new perspective for things that we already know. And we don't always know what we already know. So learning is a type of remenisence; recalling what we know without also knowing that we know it. The unthought known.

There are many things I know that both my students and my patients know, things that are obvious to me -- and probably to many other people -- that they don't know that they know.

I believe that each of us carries within us the solutions to that which ails us, to the obstacles that we ourselves create to prevent us from succeeding as human beings. We also carry within us the secrets of our own success.

Midwifery becomes the work of philosophers and psychologists. As is also true of friends, family and loved ones. At least when things go well. And a good midwife also brings out the best in others. Never in isolation, but only in relationship to and with them.

We meet these unofficial healers throughout our lives, but rarely take notice when we are driven by fear. "No one knows me better than I do, and non one can help me as well as I can help myself."

I've learned the hard way, and more than once, that the longer I allow myself to live in fear, the more unlikely it is that I will learn anything meaningful about myself, and the more likely it is that my worst nightmares will (and have) come true.

We all know how w to get to a better place. In order to get there, we first need to loosen our grip on whatever it is that keeps us running in place, that makes living in fear an viable option, and then dissolve the intellectually quaint and destructive concept that we can never be or have anything better than what we've been or had.