New here...newly sober husband but unhappy
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: CT
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New here...newly sober husband but unhappy
Oh gosh I will try to keep this brief. I broke the cycle by calling the cops on my husband the night before Memorial Day this year. He is a young veteran (age 35), and had a drinking problem. After coming home from drinking with a buddy that night we got into a argument and he strangled me and threatened to kill me. 
Before this it was years of unhappiness, he has always been a difficult person. He has sabotaged many relationships and before that awful night we really had a dysfunctional relationship due to his behaviors.
After the incident, a protective order was put in place and he was not allowed back at the house for the entire summer. He is 100 plus days sober, attends AA daily, went on medication for depression and anxiety and is taking anti abuse. He is also attending counseling and is currently taking a domestic violence class ordered by the court. He seems to be heading down the right path to be a better person and I'm relieved he is sober. He also thanks me for saving his life although at the time I was thinking of our kids and myself.
The protective order has since been dropped and he has been at the house (sleeping in a different room). He is the bread winner and thankfully he didn't lose his job. We also have two young boys. He desperately wants us to work out obviously. But, I've been aloof, depressed and immensely angry and dread having any kind of emotional conversation with him. He says all he wants is for me to embrace him and show him affection and I just can't do it. He pushes for me to attend Al Anon and I know I should but I just hate that I even have to. He genuinely seems happier and he's been a better father to the boys but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know these thoughts are all normal but I am surprised at myself that he is even back here and maybe even a bit angry that it seems like everything is working out for him and it feels like my life has become incredibly harder. Maybe I just need time? I contemplated divorce earlier in the summer but got cold feet. I guess my fear is that my love for him won't ever return. Anyway, thank you for listening.
Before this it was years of unhappiness, he has always been a difficult person. He has sabotaged many relationships and before that awful night we really had a dysfunctional relationship due to his behaviors. After the incident, a protective order was put in place and he was not allowed back at the house for the entire summer. He is 100 plus days sober, attends AA daily, went on medication for depression and anxiety and is taking anti abuse. He is also attending counseling and is currently taking a domestic violence class ordered by the court. He seems to be heading down the right path to be a better person and I'm relieved he is sober. He also thanks me for saving his life although at the time I was thinking of our kids and myself.
The protective order has since been dropped and he has been at the house (sleeping in a different room). He is the bread winner and thankfully he didn't lose his job. We also have two young boys. He desperately wants us to work out obviously. But, I've been aloof, depressed and immensely angry and dread having any kind of emotional conversation with him. He says all he wants is for me to embrace him and show him affection and I just can't do it. He pushes for me to attend Al Anon and I know I should but I just hate that I even have to. He genuinely seems happier and he's been a better father to the boys but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know these thoughts are all normal but I am surprised at myself that he is even back here and maybe even a bit angry that it seems like everything is working out for him and it feels like my life has become incredibly harder. Maybe I just need time? I contemplated divorce earlier in the summer but got cold feet. I guess my fear is that my love for him won't ever return. Anyway, thank you for listening.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
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It isn't, in my opinion, uncommon to feel anger toward the drinking spouse., especially when he was violent. You have the right to feel your feelings and not be pressured by him to have things like "before." That was before he broke your trust, frightened you with physical force and threats, and had to have the police remove him. That was incredibly brave , by the way. Now, going forward...please stay in touch through this site. There is a lot of support, strength and experience here if you want it. Also, and I say this as a grateful member, so take it for what it's worth, I would go to Al-Anon. Not for your spouse. For you. Everyone, and I mean everyone , in the Al-Anon rooms has been through experiences like yours. It can help you to 1) develop tools for coping with the emotions that come, and 2) help you find clarity in your situation, and serenity whether your spouse is drinking or not. Some AlAnon groups offer baby sitting if you need it. Good luck. Peace.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: CT
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Thanks Maudcat. I forgot to add that we've been married for 12 years and the night of the incident he says he blacked out so doesn't recall events. I realize this is possible but just another thing for me to feel irritated about. I will consider Al Anon. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin, thoughts and emotions.
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Abuse is abuse - blacked out or not. It really riles me when someone says, "Oh well, I blacked out - not my fault". I call "BS!!" on that. My AW does the same thing when she has blacked out - not her fault, not her problem. Can't be responsible for something you don't remember, right?
If you don't feel you can ever love him again like you did, I would 100% understand that. After all my AW has done, I doubt I will ever come close to that love again - there's too much water under the bridge, and too much hurt.
I'm glad he's been on the right path - so far. But, if it happened once, it could happen again, and there are children in the house.
Just my $0.02
If you don't feel you can ever love him again like you did, I would 100% understand that. After all my AW has done, I doubt I will ever come close to that love again - there's too much water under the bridge, and too much hurt.
I'm glad he's been on the right path - so far. But, if it happened once, it could happen again, and there are children in the house.
Just my $0.02
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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AG, welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us here and hope you can spend some time reading around the site. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page.
One thing I'd like to mention to you is that I've often heard it said around here that alcoholism and abuse are 2 separate issues. He may have been drunk when he physically abused you, but that was likely not the cause of it. I've also heard it said that "being in a blackout" isn't any kind of pass for terrible behavior--being in a blackout doesn't mean he didn't know what he was doing at the time; it only means he doesn't remember doing it.
We have several members here that are very knowledgeable in the areas of abuse and domestic violence. I'm sure they'll be along w/some help for you. In the meantime, the suggestion for Alanon for some face-to-face support isn't a bad idea. And as I've said, read around the forum as much as you can. Everything we think we know gets turned on its head when dealing with alcoholism and addiction. I think you'll see you are far from being alone in your feelings and struggles.
Will you get over your anger and love him again? Who knows...but working on yourself will ensure you have one person you can depend on. One hundred days is very early in sobriety, and your feelings of waiting for the other shoe to drop are not totally unwarranted.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
One thing I'd like to mention to you is that I've often heard it said around here that alcoholism and abuse are 2 separate issues. He may have been drunk when he physically abused you, but that was likely not the cause of it. I've also heard it said that "being in a blackout" isn't any kind of pass for terrible behavior--being in a blackout doesn't mean he didn't know what he was doing at the time; it only means he doesn't remember doing it.
We have several members here that are very knowledgeable in the areas of abuse and domestic violence. I'm sure they'll be along w/some help for you. In the meantime, the suggestion for Alanon for some face-to-face support isn't a bad idea. And as I've said, read around the forum as much as you can. Everything we think we know gets turned on its head when dealing with alcoholism and addiction. I think you'll see you are far from being alone in your feelings and struggles.
Will you get over your anger and love him again? Who knows...but working on yourself will ensure you have one person you can depend on. One hundred days is very early in sobriety, and your feelings of waiting for the other shoe to drop are not totally unwarranted.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin, thoughts and emotions.
Your feelings are all valid, and like any situation in a partnership, it takes both people working to overcome it. I know you don't feel like you should have to go to Alanon. I hope your husband isn't asking you to go to help him get back in your good graces...with any luck, he is suggesting it for the same reasons we are....to help you process your feelings and move forward. The meetings won't have anything to do with him, they are all about support for you.
That all being said, you have every right to divorce him and move on if that's what you want.....but I would suggest alanon and counseling even if you do that.
Best to you - you've been through A LOT and I understand your fear and hesitation!
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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Years ago, I had a colleague whose spouse went off the rails in a big way. Drinking, infidelity, missed work days, etc. she and members of his family got together--not really an intervention. No trained counselor--and got him to agree to rehab. Came out strong, not drinking, hoping to reconcile with his family and his wife. She took him back, but she was edgy and angry at him. We talked about it, and something she said has always stayed with me. "Sure." She said. "Everybody (meaning family and co-workers) has forgiven him and just want things to be normal again. What about me? He cheated on me, insulted me, scared the crap out of me. And Im supposed to forgive and forget? Not likely, and certainly not soon. " Alcoholism: the family disease.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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And that^^ is why Alanon and/or counseling is recommended. That kind of situation isn't a lot healthier for anyone involved than the previous one w/the drinking, etc. As you say, alcoholism is the family disease.
It seemed ridiculous that people kept telling me to "work on myself" and asking me "what are you doing for yourself?" It annoyed me! I resented the fact that it looked like was indeed going to have to break down and work on myself rather than blame the A for everything. And that's part of the reason that he was able to fake recovery for 4 years--I wasn't working my own recovery, and thus I made no progress myself. I was looking to HIM to change everything--his life, my life, our world--and it worked about as well as you'd expect it would.
Please don't misunderstand me as saying that you should bury your feelings and pretend all is hunky dory when it is NOT, AG. That's another thing that took me a long time to begin to understand--admitting that I had a part in the craziness is NOT the same as saying I was to blame for his drinking. But boy, it sure made me mad in the early days when I didn't get the difference!
It seemed ridiculous that people kept telling me to "work on myself" and asking me "what are you doing for yourself?" It annoyed me! I resented the fact that it looked like was indeed going to have to break down and work on myself rather than blame the A for everything. And that's part of the reason that he was able to fake recovery for 4 years--I wasn't working my own recovery, and thus I made no progress myself. I was looking to HIM to change everything--his life, my life, our world--and it worked about as well as you'd expect it would.
Please don't misunderstand me as saying that you should bury your feelings and pretend all is hunky dory when it is NOT, AG. That's another thing that took me a long time to begin to understand--admitting that I had a part in the craziness is NOT the same as saying I was to blame for his drinking. But boy, it sure made me mad in the early days when I didn't get the difference!
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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You can't spend your days waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Whether he is sober/drinking you are still unhappy.
You need to take your happiness into your hands and heal.
Reality is- stress kills. You've been living this way for so long. It's time to find peace.
For you and your health, for your little ones, and so you can have a full life ahead of you.
You're at the beginning of your journey.
Put your relationship on hold and begin.
He will have to accept that you are not going to be affectionate, and you have some recovering and healing to do.
Stay strong. You can do this. ♡
Whether he is sober/drinking you are still unhappy.
You need to take your happiness into your hands and heal.
Reality is- stress kills. You've been living this way for so long. It's time to find peace.
For you and your health, for your little ones, and so you can have a full life ahead of you.
You're at the beginning of your journey.
Put your relationship on hold and begin.
He will have to accept that you are not going to be affectionate, and you have some recovering and healing to do.
Stay strong. You can do this. ♡
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: CT
Posts: 12
Thanks so much everyone! I do appreciate you all taking the time to respond. I am going to look into healing. You're all so so right. I guess I've just been having trouble putting the first foot forward. He says he understands why I am not being affectionate but has threatened to move out to an apartment about 3 times because he can't take the rejection. But, I know he says that to get a reaction out of me. Secretly, maybe I hope he does leave, I'm not sure. I will do my best to disengage and focus on me. I want to ask those that have been in my shoes, did you continue to go out together as a family and try to maintain normalcy for the kids or does that send the wrong message to my spouse.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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I think that he is potentially, still very dangerous to you and the kids.
You are under no obligation to stay with him......
Those who have been adversely affected by alcoholism and abuse need and deserve help for the effects that this has on them.....
You might consider a counselor for your own self and the abuse you have suffered......
You are under no obligation to stay with him......
Those who have been adversely affected by alcoholism and abuse need and deserve help for the effects that this has on them.....
You might consider a counselor for your own self and the abuse you have suffered......
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You do whatever is best for YOU. If you don't want to go do things with him, or be affectionate, then don't! Taking care of yourself means doing whatever is in your comfort level with regards to him. You get to dictate the pace in which you heal and want to reconcile if it comes to that.
They say this a lot in here: how do you tell if an addict is really working on themselves in recovery....tell them NO and see what happens.
Recovery is apologetic, gentle, humble, and selfish.
Much like you cannot dictate how he works his recovery, he cannot dictate your healing.
What if you let him move forward with his threat, while you get support for yourself?
They say this a lot in here: how do you tell if an addict is really working on themselves in recovery....tell them NO and see what happens.
Recovery is apologetic, gentle, humble, and selfish.
Much like you cannot dictate how he works his recovery, he cannot dictate your healing.
What if you let him move forward with his threat, while you get support for yourself?
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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Well, it never hurts to have a plan. A place to go should the violence occur again. Or, what happens if he does leave? You mentioned that he is the breadwinner. Do you have money of your own? Can you get some? Not saying any of this is going to happen, mind. But....never hurts to have a plan going forward. "Fortune favors the prepared mind."
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 121
Originally Posted by anxietygirl1982 
I want to ask those that have been in my shoes, did you continue to go out together as a family and try to maintain normalcy for the kids or does that send the wrong message to my spouse.
My RAFiance has been sober for only three weeks.
-I'm still very much in love with him and know that I want to be with him- sober
-I'm the one who wants the affection and up until a few days ago he was quite distant and I felt hurt
-My RAF is not in a program
In our situation, it's hard to continue on as normal when our normal wasn't healthy. Our DD is only 9 months old so she has a routine for us to accommodate but really doesn't understand what's going on. We are both spending time together with her and enjoying her newest phase of crawling and pulling herself up onto furniture. I find were spending much more "quality" time together. The first weeks began with much distance. We were simply co-existing. We fought a little when starting discussions about things. So stopped trying to discuss things. I'm working on myself, as he's working on himself and I feel like that alone had helped us become better friends. His affection is back. I have days of anger, frustration and resentment but I try to surrender my anger and simply calm myself by posting or reading about alcoholism.
I truly believe that if you feel you want to go out for a family dinner, you should. If it's going to make you feel awkward or uncomfortable - your children will sense it.
Maintaining normalcy isn't easy when things aren't normal. If you and your RAH divorce or separate, regardless of your feelings toward him you'll both be there for birthdays, holidays, and have to maintain a civil relationship for your children. Keep maintaining that civil relationship. It could blossom into a friendship.
Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting all he did. It means allowing yourself to move forward and giving yourself peace. It won't come easy.
Try to have the mindset that you have an illness to take care of, and it can heal with your efforts toward treatment. You would be working toward healing before trying to take care of your marriage or anything else. If you can have this mindset, I find for me it makes it easier to co-exist in a healthy way with my Fiance on my bad days when I have anger, resentment or anxiety.
Going to a dinner shouldn't send him any signals. He's living with you. You have children together. You are married. If your kids request to go out, he's their dad, would it seem strange he be there?
If you are hesitant, I'd suggest you don't.
You could start out by making a nice family dinner and enjoying it all together at home.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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This hits home for me. I was in a similar situation, we were both veterans, and abuse and violence were present in our relationship. Except my ex never had that wake up call. None of the nights in jail or ER visits ever had an impact on him. He'd come home and start drinking again immediately. And be really angry that I'd called 911.
It's funny (not humorous, but ironic) that when I first read this post I thought, why couldn't Ex have gotten it together like Anxietygirl's husband? Because the scenario you described is literally the fantasy I used to have about our "happy ending." He gets sober, all the other crap stops, everything is hunky dory, The End.
I had to take a different path to my happy ending, because it wasn't all about him and his drinking. His sobriety wouldn't have made me happy any more than I made him drink. But I was so enmeshed with him that it seemed that way at the time.
I get it about not wanting to go to Al Anon. I didn't want to either, and if my ex had dared to SUGGEST that I go, hoo boy, my head probably would have exploded. And I didn't go until after I had left, but I'm really glad that I did. Because it was never really about him and his drinking. That was just an excuse I used to avoid looking at my own choices, and how I had kept myself stuck, paralyzed by fear.
I try not to give too much advice anymore, but I think that getting some kind of income for yourself and attending Al Anon meetings will have a positive impact on your life overall, whether you choose to stay or not.
It's funny (not humorous, but ironic) that when I first read this post I thought, why couldn't Ex have gotten it together like Anxietygirl's husband? Because the scenario you described is literally the fantasy I used to have about our "happy ending." He gets sober, all the other crap stops, everything is hunky dory, The End.
I had to take a different path to my happy ending, because it wasn't all about him and his drinking. His sobriety wouldn't have made me happy any more than I made him drink. But I was so enmeshed with him that it seemed that way at the time.
I get it about not wanting to go to Al Anon. I didn't want to either, and if my ex had dared to SUGGEST that I go, hoo boy, my head probably would have exploded. And I didn't go until after I had left, but I'm really glad that I did. Because it was never really about him and his drinking. That was just an excuse I used to avoid looking at my own choices, and how I had kept myself stuck, paralyzed by fear.
I try not to give too much advice anymore, but I think that getting some kind of income for yourself and attending Al Anon meetings will have a positive impact on your life overall, whether you choose to stay or not.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 121
It's going to take some time and you don't have to decide anything today.
My RAH is now sober 3 years. We did not have any domestic violence issues but I endured the emotional abuse so common in alcoholic relationships. He attends AA & I attend Al-Anon. We see a marriage counselor together and separate. Have been going for 3 years every other week. Weekly when necessary. It was very important to me, when we decided to try and make our marriage work (at about 3 months sober) that we go to counseling. We both needed someone to help us navigate this new way of life. I am so glad we had the help. It hasn't been easy - these past 3 years. Lots of ups and downs. It's been hard work and there were many times when I wanted to throw the towel in.
I don't worry about if he will drink or not. I can't spend my days waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'll cross that bridge if it happens. I don't believe that we would be where we are today with out our programs and counseling. He's a good man and he's trying. I give him a lot of credit for that.
You didn't arrive at this spot overnight and it isn't going to resolve itself overnight. After living in the dysfunction for so long, I am just now learning to trust myself regarding my feelings. You said you got cold feet while contemplating divorce this summer - I interpret that as not trusting how you feel. It's wonderful that he is sober, works a program and appears to be getting on the right track. It's time now to take care of you. The alcoholic in my life brought me to Al-Anon but I stayed for me. I hope you'll consider both Al-anon and a counselor.
My RAH is now sober 3 years. We did not have any domestic violence issues but I endured the emotional abuse so common in alcoholic relationships. He attends AA & I attend Al-Anon. We see a marriage counselor together and separate. Have been going for 3 years every other week. Weekly when necessary. It was very important to me, when we decided to try and make our marriage work (at about 3 months sober) that we go to counseling. We both needed someone to help us navigate this new way of life. I am so glad we had the help. It hasn't been easy - these past 3 years. Lots of ups and downs. It's been hard work and there were many times when I wanted to throw the towel in.
I don't worry about if he will drink or not. I can't spend my days waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'll cross that bridge if it happens. I don't believe that we would be where we are today with out our programs and counseling. He's a good man and he's trying. I give him a lot of credit for that.
You didn't arrive at this spot overnight and it isn't going to resolve itself overnight. After living in the dysfunction for so long, I am just now learning to trust myself regarding my feelings. You said you got cold feet while contemplating divorce this summer - I interpret that as not trusting how you feel. It's wonderful that he is sober, works a program and appears to be getting on the right track. It's time now to take care of you. The alcoholic in my life brought me to Al-Anon but I stayed for me. I hope you'll consider both Al-anon and a counselor.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Reno, NV
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Although my ABF has never been physically abusive, I understand the "hate" and resentment. It's just a natural instinct, something has hurt you over and over again. You're done but, that doesn't mean things can't change. It is 100% your call on what you do from here on out... But, Al-Anon does help. I was skeptical at first but when you get in there and see that there are so many people out there JUST LIKE YOU, it's amazing. It was really an eye-opener to me about how common this really is.
Also, if you can, see a counselor/therapist. I was/am definitely the enabler in the relationship. But, I didn't know until I spoke to the therapist. For me, she taught me "tough love". If he does start drinking again and asks you to take him to the store, say no. If he says fine I'll drive myself, call the cops. If he threatens suicide (mine always did), call the cops.
I've also learned there's no point in fighting when you ASO is under the influence, since yours is sober 100+ days. Maybe you guys can go to marriage counseling/therapy together. It's good to be honest, let him know that you feel resentment. The things he did whether he remembers or not were hurtful.
We are always here for you!
Also, if you can, see a counselor/therapist. I was/am definitely the enabler in the relationship. But, I didn't know until I spoke to the therapist. For me, she taught me "tough love". If he does start drinking again and asks you to take him to the store, say no. If he says fine I'll drive myself, call the cops. If he threatens suicide (mine always did), call the cops.
I've also learned there's no point in fighting when you ASO is under the influence, since yours is sober 100+ days. Maybe you guys can go to marriage counseling/therapy together. It's good to be honest, let him know that you feel resentment. The things he did whether he remembers or not were hurtful.
We are always here for you!
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 9
anxietygirl, your post really resonates with me. my own situation lacks the domestic violence but the years of stress and anguish inflicted by my RAW have definitely left their mark. I posted a few days ago "she's sober but I'm miserable" with most of my story. what I'm learning is that
1) my recovery is all about me and how I feel. it is my responsibility to take care of me. My happiness should not be defined by her sobriety. So just b/c she's sober, doesn't mean I'm automatically ok. I'm not. but I have to take steps to help myself feel better.
2) I mistakenly thought b/c she's sober, I could stop going to Al Anon. Big mistake in my case. I couldn't figure out why I was so depressed and angry all the time and I realized I was not working my program at all. I've started going back to AL Anon regularly these past few weeks and I already feel a difference. I'm actually going to more Al Anon meetings than she goes to AA meetings (not that it's a race) but my point is that I do it for me. B/c they help me
3) It took me about 3 tries to actually be consistent with Al Anon. It's not an immediate fix. That's not how the program works. There is no roadmap to fix your alcoholic so don't expect that. It takes time for the program to begin to sink in. Each time I go I take home something new and different.
So good luck. Stay connected here. Peace and serenity is possible
1) my recovery is all about me and how I feel. it is my responsibility to take care of me. My happiness should not be defined by her sobriety. So just b/c she's sober, doesn't mean I'm automatically ok. I'm not. but I have to take steps to help myself feel better.
2) I mistakenly thought b/c she's sober, I could stop going to Al Anon. Big mistake in my case. I couldn't figure out why I was so depressed and angry all the time and I realized I was not working my program at all. I've started going back to AL Anon regularly these past few weeks and I already feel a difference. I'm actually going to more Al Anon meetings than she goes to AA meetings (not that it's a race) but my point is that I do it for me. B/c they help me
3) It took me about 3 tries to actually be consistent with Al Anon. It's not an immediate fix. That's not how the program works. There is no roadmap to fix your alcoholic so don't expect that. It takes time for the program to begin to sink in. Each time I go I take home something new and different.
So good luck. Stay connected here. Peace and serenity is possible
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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it would be perfectly acceptable to NEVER have anything to do with a person who attempted to take your life, for ANY reason. except to be in court and see them prosecuted.
it is understandable WHY you have such negative feelings now. sure, he may be sober or trying or whatever. but that does not negate what HE DID.
think of the stories of the guys high on bath salts who chew someone's face off. i doubt sincerely the victim now has them over for dinner because they cleaned up. lives with them, sleeps in the same house, or allows them anywhere in the zipcode.
when a person perpetrates violence upon another, there NEEDS to be consequences. not second chances. IMHO. the only way abuse is going to stop is if we REFUSE to allow it continue or even have the opportunity to occur again.
it is understandable WHY you have such negative feelings now. sure, he may be sober or trying or whatever. but that does not negate what HE DID.
think of the stories of the guys high on bath salts who chew someone's face off. i doubt sincerely the victim now has them over for dinner because they cleaned up. lives with them, sleeps in the same house, or allows them anywhere in the zipcode.
when a person perpetrates violence upon another, there NEEDS to be consequences. not second chances. IMHO. the only way abuse is going to stop is if we REFUSE to allow it continue or even have the opportunity to occur again.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
The awesome thing about working an Alanon program is that tight angry spot slowly fades and that low (sometimes high) edgy level of irritation at him or her goes away. Whatever the relationship problems are and whatever it may or may not become in the future is a lot easier to envison with a calmer mind. Sure thing he has some stuff to address, recovery doesn't wipe the slate clean it provides an opportunity to do things better.
I lived in anger and frustration with my wife for years- and hurt myself with it along with her. Every bit of anger and resentment I hold on to hurts me first, then her if not by words then by indifference and so I propagate pain. I show my daughter by example how to conduct a relationship, my alanon program makes it a better one than it was before.
Tell you what, I live in Baltimore which has its share of big city darkness. A lady in my homegroup has a 20yr old daughter out on heroin, the last news she relayed was that she heard her daughter was out on "The Avenue", and I know that road- it goes through some pretty hard neighborhoods with all that implies. I look at my 10yr old daughter and wonder how many choices away from that road she is... a few years and not many choices. So my business right now is to be the best most real example I can be because what she's learning now about moms and dads and what hurts and how to feel better is what she's going to be acting upon very soon.
I lived in anger and frustration with my wife for years- and hurt myself with it along with her. Every bit of anger and resentment I hold on to hurts me first, then her if not by words then by indifference and so I propagate pain. I show my daughter by example how to conduct a relationship, my alanon program makes it a better one than it was before.
Tell you what, I live in Baltimore which has its share of big city darkness. A lady in my homegroup has a 20yr old daughter out on heroin, the last news she relayed was that she heard her daughter was out on "The Avenue", and I know that road- it goes through some pretty hard neighborhoods with all that implies. I look at my 10yr old daughter and wonder how many choices away from that road she is... a few years and not many choices. So my business right now is to be the best most real example I can be because what she's learning now about moms and dads and what hurts and how to feel better is what she's going to be acting upon very soon.
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