Please Welcome Barklay77

Old 09-12-2016, 09:43 AM
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Please Welcome Barklay77

I am new to the site but have been reading for the last 3 weeks (My cross-addicted ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago). I am slowly accepting the loss after a 6 year relationship and my first relationship (I was only 19 when it began). You mention how hard it is to believe that he has chosen this over your relationship. I connect with that thought on so many levels because even though you can 'understand' and make sense of his addiction knowing how addiction works, it is still so hard to wrap your head around. I am trying to deal with my truly broken heart as well. When I hit a low, I come on here and read stories from spouses and significant others that are often so similar to mine, and somehow it helps me get from one moment to the next.
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Old 09-12-2016, 10:34 AM
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Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
 
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Barklay...

Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has brought you here.

Having said that...

One of our members, Ann, often speaks of "strangely wrapped gifts". Perhaps the ending of your relationship with your ABF is one of them. As you observed, somebody in active addiction is going to choose feeding and continuing the addiction most of the time. That leaves room for virtually nothing else. And the truth is you deserve better.

So, yes, mourn and grieve for as long as you need to. But also be open to the possibility that someone can and will come along who will appreciate and prioritize you. You will always carry your AXBF. But in time, that won't hurt the way it is now. Trust me on this.

Other members will be by in new course. Until then, take care, keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
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Old 09-12-2016, 12:07 PM
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Ann
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Glad you came out of the shadows and joined us, Barkley.

I am sorry your heart is broken and I hope you will find some comfort here.

You are young and say this is your first relationship, that may make it harder right now, 6 years is a long time and I'm sure you had dreams of a live together and living happily ever after.

Sadly that rarely happens when addiction moves in, you are wise to let this go even if it hurts.

The "strangely wrapped gift" that Zoso referred to, and that I believe comes to all of us, just may be that the lessons you learned from all this will help you in future relationships. You may spot the red flags sooner, know what it really means if they have addiction "issues" no matter how they may downplay it, and you will know a healthy relationship when you see it...the kind that does have "happy ever afters".

Stick around and know that you are not alone here, we all walk with you.

Hugs
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Old 09-12-2016, 02:14 PM
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This was awesome to come home to and read. I have moments where I can see the light and know that, because his addiction left no room in the relationship, I will eventually have a relationship that is not one-sided as the one I have experienced. That gives me hope an optimism. But I would be lying if I said after 3 weeks that it is always so easy to see the bright side. As you said, being that it was my first relationship there are a slew of emotions. When we began dating he was not the person he is now (because of drugs an alcohol). He was 21 and the drinking slowly started to be an issue, but, being so young I wondered if his behavior was 'normal' and could be grown out of. So many of our friends drank and partied in the same manner and I had no previous experience for comparison. Within a couple years it started to create tension, I always said if it weren't for the drinking we'd have been the happiest couple. Our day to day was consistent and easy, but when a party would come up, or his work friends would want to go to the bar, trouble was inevitable. The moment I expressed concern things changed and he would be so insecure and confrontational after a night of drinking. He did plenty of bargaining with his drinking in the years to come leading to a broken hand (he punched a wall) and a 2 month prescription to pain medicine. That became his new drug of choice. He could use it at work and he could get it at work when the prescription ran out. Of course there was a lot of lying and bargaining that came with that as well. When we broke up 3 weeks ago he said "I havent felt the same in the past two years' which is funny as it was two years ago that I finally began to verbalize my concerns with the drug use. He was so up and down and back and forth. We would go long periods of time where he seemed content and happy and said all the right things and then he would seem to binge and the whole tune would change. It was the long periods of happiness that really threw me for a loop. I can see now that in the last two years those periods became farther and fewer between and the selfishness and lying became the primary component of the relationship.

He is very secretive with his use and most of our mutual friends would be surprised to hear the extent. Everyone who knew him had the same things to say "He is such a nice guy, good guy, thoughtful guy" and those were the things I loved about him. It was sad to watch those things that were special about him fade away. I hope I am able to let go of that idea of him as I know he is not the same guy I once loved. Its the nighttime and weekends that leave me feeling lonely and nostalgic but also remind me that what was no longer is.
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Old 09-12-2016, 06:32 PM
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Ann
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It was the long periods of happiness that really threw me for a loop. I can see now that in the last two years those periods became farther and fewer between and the selfishness and lying became the primary component of the relationship.
Addiction is a progressive disease and continues to get worse over time and sadly, most don't put the drug down until the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of stopping.

It's very sad what addiction does to our loved ones. My son has been addicted to drugs for almost 20 years. He had periods of recovery, even some very good recovery of about 3 years, but sadly he relapsed and continued with the revolving door of active addiction/recovery/relapse. He has been missing, lost in his addiction somewhere for the past 10 years.

Along the way he had a few girlfriends, all of them nice girls whose lives got very messed up during their relationship with him. I always felt bad about that and really hate that addiction can take a kind, loving, thoughtful, loving young man like my son and turn him into a person who stole and lied and became violent and someone I just didn't know anymore.

Please give that some thought on days when you may have regrets. You have a chance to escape all this and have a better life, a happy and peaceful life you deserve. If you were one of those dear girls who lived with my son I would say run for the hills, girl, and don't look back.

Hugs from my heart to yours.
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Old 09-12-2016, 07:02 PM
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Welcome to the family. You deserve a peaceful life. When an addict is involved, it's not very peaceful. I hope the support and wisdom here can help you.
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