The Alcoholics of my Life
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 121
The Alcoholics of my Life
I've been reading my book "The Recovery Book" and I feel like it's dragging a lot of emotions and memories out of me.
My fiance is an Alcoholic and has been sober for three weeks. He's what I'd describe as a high-functioning Alcoholic. Always goes to work, has worked his way to a top position in his company during the worst of his drinking, has been handed a company vehicle and company credit card, always pays our bills, steps up to the plate when a problem arises, and he is indeed a smart, respectable man.
But his alcoholism was/is a very obvious problem to me. It seemed very new and unmanageable to me. Learning to deal/cope with it has been difficult. More than two years later I feel compelled to educate myself about it.
As I'm reading my book, certain memories of specific events come to mind in relation to behaviours that I'm reading. But they aren't memories or events with my fiance. They're memories with my parents.
I've always known my mom and dad are big drinkers. In the past several months I've began identifying them as alcoholics. They're also what I would describe as high-functioning. They have a nice home, both have very respectable careers and are nearing retirement, and raised three daughters- one who was born with a congenital disease and is severely disabled.
Growing up, my younger sister and I were very involved in athletics. Hockey was our winter and soccer was our summer. My parents were committed to ensuring we were committed to our extracurricular activities. They always ensured we made it, and my father attended almost every one of my games and long distance tournaments in other cities.
There was never a summer that went by without a camping trip. Not only did we camp, but my dad ensured we took advantage of the local tourism. We've traveled all over Eastern Canada with a tent. I've gone swimming in the Atlantic, dug for clams, watched seals swim, camped on mountains... my dad gave us a childhood. These are the memories I hold near and dear to my heart.
The stories that aren't in the front of my kind, are stored in the back for a reason. The reason I moved out when I was 18 was very simple. I hated living with my parents. It wasn't safe for me. I wasn't just a defiant teenager who didn't want to live under someone else's rules.
At 4:30pm on a weekend night, it's an event. It's something my parents call "miller time." It's the time that is acceptable to start drinking. On a Friday or Saturday night, the ritual of their drinking begins with a Manhattan. Even their dogs know that when they see the Manhattan glasses come out- it means they get a bone so my parents can unwind, and the dogs are quiet.
The Manhattan leads to a night of rum and cokes for Mom, and two caesars (clamato juice and vodka- a popular Canadian drink) then beer for Dad. When dinner comes, a bottle of red wine is opened and completely gone by the end of supper.
This is an every single weekend ritual.
Since being with my RAFiance, I've noticed something. My Mom is the bartender at the beginning of the night. She makes the Manhattan, and the two caesars and then switches him to beer and puts the liquor back in the liquor cabinet and stocks the fridge with beer. She watches him, and as he nearly finishes his second caesar, she slaps a beer in his hand and takes his glass away. After this, you won't even see her get up to get her own drink. She'll have him getting the drinks for the rest of the night after she's transitioned him to beer. She controls my father's drinking by limiting the liquor he has, and then enforcing beer. She puts that first beer in his hand, and her job is done.
After seeing this, I wondered, did I become my mom? Has she been doing this forever? Looking back, YES, she has.
But I didn't become her. I outgrew the phase she is still in very quickly, realizing that I can't control my A's drinking. And I myself am not an alcoholic. She drinks every night with him and passes out in her chair every night- until my dad gets angry that she's passed out and the screaming match begins.
This has been the tradition for as long as I can remember. Nearly 30 years. Sure the drinks have changed from black russians, to scotch, to manhattans... but she's always tried to control the liquor intake, and the end of the night results in my dad screaming "you're pathetic, wake up!" And her responding with "f*** off, I'm not sleeping."
By the time I was 7 or 8 I knew if I saw vodka or scotch on the counter after 7pm- it was an early night for me. If I stayed up I'd end up with a cruel punishment of some sort because something I'd do wold make my dad lose his temper. My mom would at times defend my younger sister from him, but never me.
By the time I was a teenager, my mother and I barwly spoke to one another. The site of me made her blood pressure skyrocket.
I'd normally hide out in my room but when I was around, she'd start picking at me. She'd do her very best to bait me into an argument loud enough so my dad could hear, then walk away while my Dad would finish it with a swift hand across my face that made my cheek feel like it was on fire. A slap was something I wished for because I knew how much worse it could be.
He would bait me at times too, but more often my mom would instigate something.
In my early 20's before I met my RAFiance, I got out of an abusive relationship with my highschool sweetheart. It lasted 7 years, and had become abusive after 4. He never drank... he was just an a**hole. He left the country and moved to California after maxing all my credit cards, leaving me with bills and rent that I couldn't pay. I had a friend move in but after nearly a year she had lost her job and had to move out. I was turning my life around. I was going to night school and working full time. I had a dog, and couldn't replace my room mate with someone I trusted. My parents begged me to come live with them so I could finish my studies. By this time I'd been independent of my parents for 7 years. We'd developed a relationship that I liked.
The distance made my heart grow fond of them and cherish my relationship with them. We'd developed a friendship. I loved my mom and dad, and often had a dinner with them on the weekend, and shared friendly phone calls.
I moved in with them. The first 3-4 weeks were alright. I contributed to the household and did chores, and they respected my space.
I interviewed for a job for what I was going to school for and got it. It was $5 more an hour from what I was making, and I hated where I was working. It was homecare so I'd have to travel. They were very negative and tried to tell me I couldn't take it. That crazy controlling nature in them was coming out. I took the job anyway which caused many fights, but I didn't care.
I met my RAFiance and they began trying to "ground" me. I found myself sneaking out at night as though I was a teenager. When I wasn't home in the evening after school hours they'd call and leave threatening voicemails on my cell. I didnt understand why they had gone so crazy.
One day I said I was going out to put out resumes. It was at their insistance because they didnt like the job i was working because my mom thought homecare was beneath me and I should be working in a hospital or facility- they didn't understand when I told them that hospitals and facilities only accept resumes online and don't want strangers poking about their buildings. I was done school at this point and saving money to get out. I instead spent the afternoon visiting a friend. When I came home around 8pm they were into the drinking. They asked if I'd applied to a place they insisted on. I explained that I'd already interviewed there and they have to keep my resume on file for 6 months. Re-applying is pointless. My mom began instigating. This turned into an all out fight that resulted in a fat lip, black eye, torn eye lid and my brand new glasses being smashed. I ran down to my room crying and packed up and left. I was supposed to be meeting with my RAFiance in an hour or so. I went to a friend's until then. My best friend who knew my parents and how they treated me. She offered me to rent a room with her and her room mate.
I met with my fiance who was just getting off work. I was wearing sure glasses at night- partially to see as they were prescription, and also to hide my face. He took my glasses off and the sight of me made him cry. He was angry. I found myself trying to comfort him as though he was the victim, tell him him everything was okay.
He insisted I leave my parents immediately. I was hesitant on giving him a definite which angered him that I'd be willing to stay when they'd do such a thing. When I told him that this isn't the worst it's been, it only upset him more. Then he asked why I'd be willing to risk going through it again, and I said "they were drunk. They wouldnt have done it sober."
I never spent another night at my parents. When I went back for some of my things my mom came downstairs and started an argument. I showed her my face and her response was "you deserved it."
I started crying. I told her "nobody, not anyone deserves this. No one deserves to live in this fear, that some how I'd forgotten I lived in as a child. No one deserves to get punched in the face for responding with their opinion. No one deserves to feel threatened by whatever bottle is on the counter. I recall jumping on dad's back when I was 13 to pull him off of you, after you'd started a fight with me and he beat the crap out of me for it, and when he went after my sister and you jumped to her defense, he went after you. I protected you, because NO ONE deserves this. Remember that. I left.
My mom had told family and friends that I moved out because I was fighting with them and acting spoiled and ungrateful after they welcomed me back, trying to save face.
We have a decent relationship once again years later... as though it never happened. When I was in the last weeks of my pregnancy, my mom jumped to my aid and got on the phone yelling at my RAFiance because he'd taken off drinking again. She yelled at him and asked "how much have you had to drink tonight?" His response was "how much have you had to drink tonight?"
She didn't get it.
It appears that my whole life, I've been surrounded by it. I've let it define me. I've let it shape me. I've let it control me. I need help, for more than what my fiancé's drinking has done to me. This has been my normal for my entire life.
I need much more help than I imagined.
My fiance is an Alcoholic and has been sober for three weeks. He's what I'd describe as a high-functioning Alcoholic. Always goes to work, has worked his way to a top position in his company during the worst of his drinking, has been handed a company vehicle and company credit card, always pays our bills, steps up to the plate when a problem arises, and he is indeed a smart, respectable man.
But his alcoholism was/is a very obvious problem to me. It seemed very new and unmanageable to me. Learning to deal/cope with it has been difficult. More than two years later I feel compelled to educate myself about it.
As I'm reading my book, certain memories of specific events come to mind in relation to behaviours that I'm reading. But they aren't memories or events with my fiance. They're memories with my parents.
I've always known my mom and dad are big drinkers. In the past several months I've began identifying them as alcoholics. They're also what I would describe as high-functioning. They have a nice home, both have very respectable careers and are nearing retirement, and raised three daughters- one who was born with a congenital disease and is severely disabled.
Growing up, my younger sister and I were very involved in athletics. Hockey was our winter and soccer was our summer. My parents were committed to ensuring we were committed to our extracurricular activities. They always ensured we made it, and my father attended almost every one of my games and long distance tournaments in other cities.
There was never a summer that went by without a camping trip. Not only did we camp, but my dad ensured we took advantage of the local tourism. We've traveled all over Eastern Canada with a tent. I've gone swimming in the Atlantic, dug for clams, watched seals swim, camped on mountains... my dad gave us a childhood. These are the memories I hold near and dear to my heart.
The stories that aren't in the front of my kind, are stored in the back for a reason. The reason I moved out when I was 18 was very simple. I hated living with my parents. It wasn't safe for me. I wasn't just a defiant teenager who didn't want to live under someone else's rules.
At 4:30pm on a weekend night, it's an event. It's something my parents call "miller time." It's the time that is acceptable to start drinking. On a Friday or Saturday night, the ritual of their drinking begins with a Manhattan. Even their dogs know that when they see the Manhattan glasses come out- it means they get a bone so my parents can unwind, and the dogs are quiet.
The Manhattan leads to a night of rum and cokes for Mom, and two caesars (clamato juice and vodka- a popular Canadian drink) then beer for Dad. When dinner comes, a bottle of red wine is opened and completely gone by the end of supper.
This is an every single weekend ritual.
Since being with my RAFiance, I've noticed something. My Mom is the bartender at the beginning of the night. She makes the Manhattan, and the two caesars and then switches him to beer and puts the liquor back in the liquor cabinet and stocks the fridge with beer. She watches him, and as he nearly finishes his second caesar, she slaps a beer in his hand and takes his glass away. After this, you won't even see her get up to get her own drink. She'll have him getting the drinks for the rest of the night after she's transitioned him to beer. She controls my father's drinking by limiting the liquor he has, and then enforcing beer. She puts that first beer in his hand, and her job is done.
After seeing this, I wondered, did I become my mom? Has she been doing this forever? Looking back, YES, she has.
But I didn't become her. I outgrew the phase she is still in very quickly, realizing that I can't control my A's drinking. And I myself am not an alcoholic. She drinks every night with him and passes out in her chair every night- until my dad gets angry that she's passed out and the screaming match begins.
This has been the tradition for as long as I can remember. Nearly 30 years. Sure the drinks have changed from black russians, to scotch, to manhattans... but she's always tried to control the liquor intake, and the end of the night results in my dad screaming "you're pathetic, wake up!" And her responding with "f*** off, I'm not sleeping."
By the time I was 7 or 8 I knew if I saw vodka or scotch on the counter after 7pm- it was an early night for me. If I stayed up I'd end up with a cruel punishment of some sort because something I'd do wold make my dad lose his temper. My mom would at times defend my younger sister from him, but never me.
By the time I was a teenager, my mother and I barwly spoke to one another. The site of me made her blood pressure skyrocket.
I'd normally hide out in my room but when I was around, she'd start picking at me. She'd do her very best to bait me into an argument loud enough so my dad could hear, then walk away while my Dad would finish it with a swift hand across my face that made my cheek feel like it was on fire. A slap was something I wished for because I knew how much worse it could be.
He would bait me at times too, but more often my mom would instigate something.
In my early 20's before I met my RAFiance, I got out of an abusive relationship with my highschool sweetheart. It lasted 7 years, and had become abusive after 4. He never drank... he was just an a**hole. He left the country and moved to California after maxing all my credit cards, leaving me with bills and rent that I couldn't pay. I had a friend move in but after nearly a year she had lost her job and had to move out. I was turning my life around. I was going to night school and working full time. I had a dog, and couldn't replace my room mate with someone I trusted. My parents begged me to come live with them so I could finish my studies. By this time I'd been independent of my parents for 7 years. We'd developed a relationship that I liked.
The distance made my heart grow fond of them and cherish my relationship with them. We'd developed a friendship. I loved my mom and dad, and often had a dinner with them on the weekend, and shared friendly phone calls.
I moved in with them. The first 3-4 weeks were alright. I contributed to the household and did chores, and they respected my space.
I interviewed for a job for what I was going to school for and got it. It was $5 more an hour from what I was making, and I hated where I was working. It was homecare so I'd have to travel. They were very negative and tried to tell me I couldn't take it. That crazy controlling nature in them was coming out. I took the job anyway which caused many fights, but I didn't care.
I met my RAFiance and they began trying to "ground" me. I found myself sneaking out at night as though I was a teenager. When I wasn't home in the evening after school hours they'd call and leave threatening voicemails on my cell. I didnt understand why they had gone so crazy.
One day I said I was going out to put out resumes. It was at their insistance because they didnt like the job i was working because my mom thought homecare was beneath me and I should be working in a hospital or facility- they didn't understand when I told them that hospitals and facilities only accept resumes online and don't want strangers poking about their buildings. I was done school at this point and saving money to get out. I instead spent the afternoon visiting a friend. When I came home around 8pm they were into the drinking. They asked if I'd applied to a place they insisted on. I explained that I'd already interviewed there and they have to keep my resume on file for 6 months. Re-applying is pointless. My mom began instigating. This turned into an all out fight that resulted in a fat lip, black eye, torn eye lid and my brand new glasses being smashed. I ran down to my room crying and packed up and left. I was supposed to be meeting with my RAFiance in an hour or so. I went to a friend's until then. My best friend who knew my parents and how they treated me. She offered me to rent a room with her and her room mate.
I met with my fiance who was just getting off work. I was wearing sure glasses at night- partially to see as they were prescription, and also to hide my face. He took my glasses off and the sight of me made him cry. He was angry. I found myself trying to comfort him as though he was the victim, tell him him everything was okay.
He insisted I leave my parents immediately. I was hesitant on giving him a definite which angered him that I'd be willing to stay when they'd do such a thing. When I told him that this isn't the worst it's been, it only upset him more. Then he asked why I'd be willing to risk going through it again, and I said "they were drunk. They wouldnt have done it sober."
I never spent another night at my parents. When I went back for some of my things my mom came downstairs and started an argument. I showed her my face and her response was "you deserved it."
I started crying. I told her "nobody, not anyone deserves this. No one deserves to live in this fear, that some how I'd forgotten I lived in as a child. No one deserves to get punched in the face for responding with their opinion. No one deserves to feel threatened by whatever bottle is on the counter. I recall jumping on dad's back when I was 13 to pull him off of you, after you'd started a fight with me and he beat the crap out of me for it, and when he went after my sister and you jumped to her defense, he went after you. I protected you, because NO ONE deserves this. Remember that. I left.
My mom had told family and friends that I moved out because I was fighting with them and acting spoiled and ungrateful after they welcomed me back, trying to save face.
We have a decent relationship once again years later... as though it never happened. When I was in the last weeks of my pregnancy, my mom jumped to my aid and got on the phone yelling at my RAFiance because he'd taken off drinking again. She yelled at him and asked "how much have you had to drink tonight?" His response was "how much have you had to drink tonight?"
She didn't get it.
It appears that my whole life, I've been surrounded by it. I've let it define me. I've let it shape me. I've let it control me. I need help, for more than what my fiancé's drinking has done to me. This has been my normal for my entire life.
I need much more help than I imagined.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Yes, you are starting to dig deep through the layers of this. I'm sorry it hurts.... but keep going! Give yourself a break when it gets overwhelming; you need a chance to absorb all that you learn too. Recovery work includes taking time for respite. 
ETA: Have you read "Perfect Daughters" by Robert Ackerman? I think you'd get a LOT out of it - it's written specifically about how girls are affected by being raised in an alcoholic home. (and differentiates bit between if it was mom or dad, whether it developed during your childhood or existed before your birth, etc. ) I sobbed my way through it.
ETA: Have you read "Perfect Daughters" by Robert Ackerman? I think you'd get a LOT out of it - it's written specifically about how girls are affected by being raised in an alcoholic home. (and differentiates bit between if it was mom or dad, whether it developed during your childhood or existed before your birth, etc. ) I sobbed my way through it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kissedbyfire.....what they did is so wrong. It wasn't your fault and you absolutely did not deserve that...
I am glad that you can see that, now....at least, intellectually.....
This is important work that you are doing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am glad that you can see that, now....at least, intellectually.....
This is important work that you are doing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
KBF, I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional and abusive (altho not alcoholic) household also and it was such a revelation to me when I began to see the facts for what they were. It is hard to work your way thru, but you will be so much healthier and have such a different understanding of things when you come out the other side.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 121
Thank you everyone for your on-going support.
It is really starting to hit home that I've really never, ever had normal. The closest to normal I had was the year between my ex of seven years until I moved back in with my parents.
My room mate was hardly home because she'd started dating someone and frequently stayed at her boyfriend's place.
It felt nice to be alone at last and living in peace.
It's become strange to me that over the past year of my RAF's drinking, I've confided in my mom. When she calls she asks if he's "behaving," and I've talked to her about some things. I don't always tell her when he's taken off and for a long time I kept her and everyone in the dark. It was when I got pregnant and was overwhelmed I turned to her.
It's strange that they can be fully supportive and wonderful parents- but when I live there, they become insane, controlling crazy people.
During my fiancé's drinking they told me I could bring my DD and go live with them till I get on my feet, but I'd honestly prefer a womens shelter.
Lots of work to do. Thank goodness I have a lifetime to work on my life.
It is really starting to hit home that I've really never, ever had normal. The closest to normal I had was the year between my ex of seven years until I moved back in with my parents.
My room mate was hardly home because she'd started dating someone and frequently stayed at her boyfriend's place.
It felt nice to be alone at last and living in peace.
It's become strange to me that over the past year of my RAF's drinking, I've confided in my mom. When she calls she asks if he's "behaving," and I've talked to her about some things. I don't always tell her when he's taken off and for a long time I kept her and everyone in the dark. It was when I got pregnant and was overwhelmed I turned to her.
It's strange that they can be fully supportive and wonderful parents- but when I live there, they become insane, controlling crazy people.
During my fiancé's drinking they told me I could bring my DD and go live with them till I get on my feet, but I'd honestly prefer a womens shelter.
Lots of work to do. Thank goodness I have a lifetime to work on my life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello KissedByFire, and pleased to "meet" you 
I am so sorry to hear that you had to experience such horrors as a child. I completely agree with you, nobody should have to live like that.
That "strangeness" is what makes children insane. It's not strange, really, it's the random wanderings of an inebriated mind.
Have you visited our forum "next door"?
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
There are a lot of us have experienced very similar biological parents. It really makes a mess of our emotions and reflexes. The good news is that the "mess" is not a _part_ of us. None of us were born with this "chaos" in our heads. It's something that was forced upon us, just like prisoner in a jail who get brainwashed.
All of which means that the mess can be "un-learned" and replaced with healty, sane thoughts and feelings.
Mike
I am so sorry to hear that you had to experience such horrors as a child. I completely agree with you, nobody should have to live like that.
Originally Posted by Kissedbyfire 
.... It's strange that they can be fully supportive and wonderful parents- but when I live there, they become insane, controlling crazy people ...
Have you visited our forum "next door"?
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
There are a lot of us have experienced very similar biological parents. It really makes a mess of our emotions and reflexes. The good news is that the "mess" is not a _part_ of us. None of us were born with this "chaos" in our heads. It's something that was forced upon us, just like prisoner in a jail who get brainwashed.
All of which means that the mess can be "un-learned" and replaced with healty, sane thoughts and feelings.
Mike
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 121
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
Have you visited our forum "next door"?
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I certainly intend to visit that forum. :-)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
It looks normal/what you are used to. After growing up in an alcoholic home I married an alcoholic. After several painful years I had a sponser in Alanon who looked at me and said- "You are not a victim- you are a volunteer!" Hopefully your fiancé will stick with recovery and you will get into Alanon and Adult Children of Alcoholics. You (I) never learned boundaries. Boundaries are for us to feel safe,serene, and secure. AND- it is important to" not engage" with anyone "using". LEAVE. You cannot change anyone else. You can only change YOU.
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