No Contact Timeline
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Join Date: May 2016
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No Contact Timeline
I realized something today- The reason I have been feeling so off center and not together is a big chunk of my life- my STBXAH- is not in it any more and it's like a bit like driving a car with three wheels not four- not the best analogy - but I hope you get the idea. It has now been three months and 2 weeks- and I am starting to feel centered again.
Do you know of any articles or books about a timeline after leaving an alcoholic abuser? Like what the development during no contact looks like? Someone mentioned three months some where... or maybe that is just what I remember in my off-center mind.
A better analogy is it's like being really good with a yoyo- and a piece of the yoyo cracks off and you can't get it to do what you want. Anyway at this stage of the game, I am starting to feel much more balanced and that my yoyo skills are coming back!
Do you know of any articles or books about a timeline after leaving an alcoholic abuser? Like what the development during no contact looks like? Someone mentioned three months some where... or maybe that is just what I remember in my off-center mind.
A better analogy is it's like being really good with a yoyo- and a piece of the yoyo cracks off and you can't get it to do what you want. Anyway at this stage of the game, I am starting to feel much more balanced and that my yoyo skills are coming back!
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I don't have direct experience, but I'll toss my hat in the ring anyway with my thoughts.
I don't think you can specify a point in time when you have that final, "aaahhh" moment - it's dependent on the person I think. Also, when you are so focused on the end-game, you lose sight of the small victories along the way that encourage those 'next steps'. And I think realizing and celebrating those small victories help to propel you more quickly to the end game - and then you get there and you're surprised at how well it went.
It's the old saying about concentrating so much on getting to your destination that you lose sight of the journey and all the wonders along the way.
Just my thoughts.
COD
I don't think you can specify a point in time when you have that final, "aaahhh" moment - it's dependent on the person I think. Also, when you are so focused on the end-game, you lose sight of the small victories along the way that encourage those 'next steps'. And I think realizing and celebrating those small victories help to propel you more quickly to the end game - and then you get there and you're surprised at how well it went.
It's the old saying about concentrating so much on getting to your destination that you lose sight of the journey and all the wonders along the way.
Just my thoughts.
COD
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It's not really about the timeline after leaving, but I found the following helpful: But He'll Change: End the Thinking That Keeps You in an Abusive Relationship by Joanna Hunter, and I didn't find the book until after I'd left him. I'd realized that even though I was gone, I was still waiting and hanging on to the relationship.
I think part of the reason that I struggled with no contact was because I was still expecting him to change and I was still doing a lot of the "Yes, but...." thinking she outlines, especially in the minimizing his behavior area.
One thing that helped me keep no contact was realizing that I only had to get through *this* small time period. The next couple minutes when I thought I had to contact him or respond to him. I just had to get through that section of time. Not 10 years. Not 2 months. Not 1 week. Just right now.
It does get easier. As time kept moving on and I worked on finding myself again, and focused on my life, it got easier. I started realizing that I no longer felt off balance, off-center without him. I think part of it is, like COD mentioned, taking time to see the wonder. You're going to be just fine. You already are.
I think part of the reason that I struggled with no contact was because I was still expecting him to change and I was still doing a lot of the "Yes, but...." thinking she outlines, especially in the minimizing his behavior area.
One thing that helped me keep no contact was realizing that I only had to get through *this* small time period. The next couple minutes when I thought I had to contact him or respond to him. I just had to get through that section of time. Not 10 years. Not 2 months. Not 1 week. Just right now.
It does get easier. As time kept moving on and I worked on finding myself again, and focused on my life, it got easier. I started realizing that I no longer felt off balance, off-center without him. I think part of it is, like COD mentioned, taking time to see the wonder. You're going to be just fine. You already are.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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I kept a no contact journal and counted days of no contact, as well as any struggles I was having that particular day. It really helped to write it out and then look back at my progress. I began to recognize patterns of when I was feeling angry or sad. The journaling helped me process those feelings. Long after the breakup, I was contacted under the guise of making amends. My ex admitted to still being an active drug user, so I quickly resumed no contact rather than get sucked back in. The peace returned immediately. It does get better. It just takes time. One day you will wake up and your first thought of the day will be something else.
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Thank you all-my days are getting happier and happier. I am going to get that book by Joanna Hunter- I think I need to stop the excuses my brain makes to make me think about returning!
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Hi Qtpi, your yoyo and car analogies are right on.
I don't think I've ever met anyone who had my experience or timeline so this probably isn't helpful for you:
It was 2.5 years after I last spoke to my XABF and 3.5 years after I last saw him when I was finally ok. Strangely, it was somewhat sudden in the first week in January 1991. That week something changed; I didn't recognize it at first but something felt different. It took a couple of days to realize the psychedelic-glow-in-the-dark pain was gone. I was still a depressive, messed up person but the bad, bad pain was gone.
The best book I found on this grieving hurting time period was How to Survive the Loss of a Love. .
I've been single so long now that being in a relationship would seem as awkward as a three legged race.
I don't think I've ever met anyone who had my experience or timeline so this probably isn't helpful for you:
It was 2.5 years after I last spoke to my XABF and 3.5 years after I last saw him when I was finally ok. Strangely, it was somewhat sudden in the first week in January 1991. That week something changed; I didn't recognize it at first but something felt different. It took a couple of days to realize the psychedelic-glow-in-the-dark pain was gone. I was still a depressive, messed up person but the bad, bad pain was gone.
The best book I found on this grieving hurting time period was How to Survive the Loss of a Love. .
I've been single so long now that being in a relationship would seem as awkward as a three legged race.
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