qtpi

As you probably know- or maybe not- I left a little over 3 months ago. STBXAH sent me an email (!) asking me if I would like to give it another try before we divorce and he still loves me. He wrote he would "put aside" these three months!!!

In the letter, I see no acceptance of any responsibility on his part, no admission of an alcohol problem, no evidence of remorse, and no attempt at repair. In fact he is fighting alimony and I have a part time job with no benefits while he is a well paid executive with no debts.

I am shocked at the arrogance- like he is willing to forgive me- when I did an intelligent, mature, brave move- left an abusive alcoholic who apparently thinks he has no problem, even though he was diagnosed alcohol dependent by a licensed alcohol counselor. He refused AA or rehab. He has hurt me again and again.

I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone!!

AnvilheadII

HIT DELETE. like you would any other spam..........

suki44883

Input? Okay...delete that arrogant, abusive alcoholic from your phone and your life. The nerve of some people!

Kissedbyfire

Twilight Zone indeed,

Sounds like nothing has changed, and there's no intentions of it.
By saying he'll "put aside" the past three months pretty much means, I'll forgive and forget you did this.

I've never gone through a divorce and been in this situation but I'm sure more posts from people who have been in this situation will give you better advice than I could. I'd ignore him and the email for now at least.

You are very right though. You made an intelligent, mature, brave move.
Because you are an intelligent, mature and brave person. Don't forget that!

honeypig

He is living in an alternate reality, for sure...

I understand that even different "normal" people see and remember things differently, and my experience w/XAH is that the gap gets a good deal wider when one of the seers/rememberers is an active A who is filtering everything thru that alcoholic lens. I'm sure my own lens affects things too.

Stay strong, stay grounded, keep steady on your course. I'd see no reason for you to change a single thing that you're doing.

Lilro

I don't find this shocking at all. Sounds like pretty common behavior coming from an alcoholic to me! If anything it shows you that nothing has changed in the 3 months you have been apart. Nothing, no accountability, no remorse, no I'm sorry, nothing...nada...zilch. He loves you? Yeah, ok, whatever.... WHY SHOULDNT HE!?!?!?!?!?!
I'm with Anvil.. Hit delete and move forward. And stopped being shocked!
Big hug!!

Ariesagain

Oh, this brings back memories. A long-ago, short-term XAB in grad school who used to manufacture fights and then when I'd walk away, would call me the next day and offer to "forgive me" if I did such and such, usually involving somehow getting myself to his place five miles away ASAP (I didn't have a car...he did) and crawling in bed with him. Uh, no.

I look back and can honestly say I never enjoyed dumping anyone more.

It's all BS. Block him and move on with your smart self!

Nata1980

Very typical.

My XAH uses DS as a pawn, too. He actually said that "I broke up a family" once. And that "I don't let him see DS".

I don't miss manufactured fights either. And the crazy feeling of not understanding what is that I have done and apologizing anyway


Delete it.

LexieCat

Not shocking to me, either. It's actually rather patronizing, as if you had a three-month bout of PMS, and if you'll just come to your senses, he'll take you back.

I'd delete and pretend you didn't even get it. If he asks you, at some point, whether you got it, you could just say, "Yeah, I got it and trashed it the same way I do all junk mail."

gbriezy

I agree with everyone here. Simply deleting it without a response sends a much stronger message than "go f*** yourself" ever could.

NYCDoglvr

Agree: delete.

Refiner

Douchebag mentality really. Fighting alimony = maybe I should get her to come back so I don't have to pay alimony. Can you imagine how abusive he'd become if you did come back in order to punish you? I agree with others - hit DELETE. NO answer speaks loudest.

honeypig

And the person who's getting the message when you delete it instead of responding ISN'T the A...it's you, understanding that he simply has no power over you any more. You are free.

shockozulu

I also recommend setting his account to your spam filter. That way you won't see his emails unless you are in the right frame of mind and won't have any more unpleasant surprises.

Hayfmr

Sounds like my soon to be EXAW. She left me before I filed for divorce. She knows that her drinking is why I filed but response is to drink more. Now she blames me for breaking up our marriage. Just have to love A logic. You have made it this far don't go back.

LeeJane

Bog standard alcoholic behaviour.

Glad you shared it, I needed to read this today.

Seren

Ah, yes, the active alcoholic "thinking problem" as well as the "drinking problem". It has been my experience that many an alcoholic not in recovery thinks very differently from the rest of us. There seems to be no logic to it at all, no basis in reality.

Shocking? Yes, the first few times you encounter it.

After a while, it just is what it is. Nothing we do can change the way an active alcoholic thinks about the world they inhabit or about us, their friends, family, and loved ones. Most of how they interpret the world just facilitates their drinking or provides them with an excuse to continue drinking. (aka "He/she was so mean to me" when all someone did was state that they would not be around that person when they were drinking or drunk).

I'm sorry his letter shocked you so much. In time, the shock does wear off and each new active alcoholic world view encounter you have becomes less shocking.

Take good care! S

CentralOhioDad

I can see my AW doing the same thing once it gets to that point.

Missus

I did have to smile a little at his generosity - to "put aside" these three months? So gracious :-) But you can bet your bottom dollar that if you were to accept his big hearted forgiveness now (sorry, there doesn't seem to be a sarcastic font on this keyboard), it would be dragged up at every opportunity in the future

Bekindalways

Once you realize that an alcoholic's thinking is similar to someone who very mentally ill, it isn't so shocking - sigh.

He will get it in his own time or he won't. Unfortunately nothing you do or say will help him understand. Please take care of yourself and stay away from the natural disaster that an alcoholic indeed is.