Thelyoness83

If there are, they don't come to this site anymore right? This forum has been helpful to me but today it's depressing the hell out of me. Like there's no escaping this, the addict will never change. Do they? Can they? My husband thinks he can do this on his own and doesn't need any meetings or sponsors or whatever. Has anyone done it alone? Without 12 steps or any of the above?

Nelly1

Don't get discouraged...... Is this disease hell? Absolutely.... Can it be stopped? yes! Not without complete dedication and a whole lot of work on the addicted's part! My fiancé the first time around in rehab didn't believe in the twelve steps or rehab either.... He failed miserably. Everytime he said he wanted to do it on his own he failed miserably.... And I came to realize him saying that meant he was looking for an "easy way out of addiction". That my dear doesn't exist. He is currently in rehab again and doing so well and actively participating in counseling and the meetings and I can see and feel a difference. We all get to a point where we know what's bullCrap and false promises..... I never believed I but being serious will look much different than anything you've seen before.

shockozulu

There are many roads to recovery. The important thing is that he reaches out to one or more of them. Until then, I don't believe my alcoholic ex will quit drinking, and when he does its a matter of time before he starts up again.

Are there happy endings? Yes! My mother quit her addiction and after that we had several good, quality years before she passed.

Thelyoness83

Thanks for your reply. I don't read a lot of hopeful things here. I mean all the advice of those who have been down this road are helpful and just knowing there's others who understand is so helpful BUT not exactly hopeful. I guess it is hopeful to know others have come out on the other side, they've made it, it can be done no matter how hard it is. I'm just really depressed and seeing no hope that my husband will ever stop or change and that basically the only thing for me to do is get away from him. But I don't feel ready and so instead I'm just going to live this way. I guess you could say I'm maybe feeling what he feels..he doesn't want to be an addict but he's not ready to be sober and it is so hard. But I still don't feel compassionate towards him, I feel anger.

Nelly1

I've been in your shoes. I'm still standing in them. I've often felt at sometimes it can seem hopeless. I've posted a few times and have gotten feedback that sometimes has left me feeling sad and I've thought about whether or not I should come back. But that's only because I don't want to hear the truth... I don't want to hear that all of this sadness and hope and trying to help will be for nothing. It's natural for us to feel this way. We want things to work out, we want our partners to get better and be the person we loved and run off into the sunset. That CAN happen and it may, but it also may not..... It's hard to hear that. Everyone on this site has been there and has been hurt and that's why they care so much. That's also why they feel the need to tell us the truth because it is so so painful to go through this process. I've been sticking it out, I've turned a blind eye several times.... I'm so grateful he is in rehab as I type this because for so long I never thought he would. It's also nice to fall asleep and know he is okay.... Not missing, not dead, not in danger. I am not ready to leave my partner..... And the choice is ours to make. But we have to live with our choices and most of the time we suffer with the addict because addiction pulls down each of the people who come into contact with it. It destroys us too.... There's no easy answers.

Maudcat

As many have said, and many more will say, people can change. Even the most hard core addict gets sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have family members who were dependent upon oxy, then heroin. Took several rehabs and many meetings, but...clean and sober today and for several years. Unfortunately, while this is a "happy ending" of sorts, it's really just the beginning of another, sober part of life, with bruises, hurts, and disappointments. Dealing with everything and not drinking or using, that's the real happy ending. Peace.

shockozulu

I went through that anger phase before I left as well. I don't know if it's normal but considering I was grieving the person I lost to addiction, it wouldn't surprise me to hear the stages of grief apply to these losses as well.

JennaRoseMadre

Sometimes I feel the same way when reading all these topics. I wish there was a place to read about success stories!

NoelleR

I don't know about 'reading' about success stories.....But, if you want to 'hear' about success, try finding an AA group's (or an NA group's) anniversary/birthday night celebration meeting; there's usually lots of folks celebrating 1, 2, 3, and 4 years, and 5 years up through 30+ years............lots of good success stories there.

(o:

peacelovesober

I am in the anger stage as I type this response but I am grateful for the feelings. Feelings remind us that we are human, and we can chose how we react.

To answer your questions, yes people do get better and change. I imagine that a lot of times those people do what happy people do and just live life. Its like reading reviews of products. If you look at a review you have to remember that misery loves company and we tend to share in our times of frustration because we are looking for answers or some kind of validation for our feelings. Much like the disgruntled customer complaining about bad customer service. The satisfied customers simply enjoy the product and live life.

To share something positive I will share my own change. I was an alcoholic for many years, I got sober on 10/16/2012 after a long time of creating chaos in my life and the life of my loved ones. I cant tell you the exact moment that things changed for me but i can tell you this, I changed. I don't drink at all anymore and drugs were never an issue for me but I don't use any kind of drug either. So do people change? Of Course! Do people get better and live "normal" lives ? Yes they do. However I think what a lot of us are doing in life is referenced in the big book of AA as controlled drinking. To believe that an addict will ever get better or change while they are continuing to use is insanity. We dont get better just because we stop using, but the only way to get better is to stop using. Its a catch 22 and while we are still flawed when we get sober. Its the only way to heal. Change is possible, but it takes complete abstinence from our substance of choice and lots of hard work.

Stay encouraged. It will get better .......

Hechosedrugs

I think this is why I love CR so much. We all have our own groups- codependents, alcoholics, chemically dependent, etc.- but we all meet together beforehand and get to hear each other's stories. I think it helps all involved- shows the codependents how important it is that the decision be the addict's, not theirs, and also shows the addict that the codependents in their lives are not enjoying their lives as parole officers- that the roles we've take on are destroying us just as much as their choices are destroying them.

peacelovesober

Well said. You hit the proverbial nail right on the head. I was not qualified to be a parole officer anyways. Our best efforts at control tend to backfire so its nice to let go of the reigns. Thankfully these boards and other support systems have helped me understand that!.

Impurrfect

You may want to look at the "stories of recovery" section here - a lot of successful recovery stories there.

I'm on both sides of the addiction fence. Recovering addict (9-1/2 years) and have many loved ones who are (or were) addicts of one thing or another. It's not easy on either side but SR and f2f help has helped greatly.

secondwind

There are many happy endings.

I have been in recovery for many years (over a decade) with one 6 month relapse. I made the decision to change my life, and did the hard work required to live a healthy positive life.

I did get involved and wrapped up with an addict for close to five years. Happy Ending? Yes. He is still using. BUT i am happy and free. I removed him from my and my son's life. Best decision ever.

There are happy and there are sad endings.

Just decide how much crap and how long you are willing to wait for a happy ending.

least

My story has a happy ending. I got sober almost 7 yrs ago and my life has never been better. I have no desire to drink, and I wake up every day, feeling good, and surrounded by my dogs. I love living sober.

Ann

In my real life I have several friends whose children became addicted to drugs, from heroin to pills and some alcohol...and in every case (about 12) but one, they are clean and sober today and leading happy productive lives. Some have programs, some embraced their religions or spirituality, and others just quit and know they can never pick up again.

Sadly, the one who didn't, died, and the only good that came from that was it inspired his brother and sister to quit and they are both clean now for about 8 years or more.

My son is one who continues to struggle, but I will never give up hope that one day he too will find a better path. That said, I will no longer give my life trying to save his. His recover is his alone, to find and embrace when the time is right.

Hugs

zoso77

I mean no disrespect when I say this, but the context you're trying to establish with regards to happiness is too narrow.

I never married my AXGF. Nor did we stay together. But it's also unequivocally true that I'm a lot happier since we broke up. See, when we marry someone, we think it's for life. And we often can't imagine a life without our spouse. But that's not true. We can weather a divorce, come through that experience beat up, and then find happiness in other ways.

Note that I'm not advocating divorce. But what I am advocating is to look at your current situation objectively. Sometimes we're faced with decisions we don't want to make. But we're often left with little choice, and doing the right thing for us doesn't necessarily mean doing what makes us feel good...

Hechosedrugs

I think I have a happy ending. I spent a few years using drugs in early adulthood. I used ecstacy, cocaine, and even crack. I never tried meth, and thank G_d for that- I just don't think I could have ever pulled out of that. But then again, there was a time where I thought the same thing about crack. It had a major hold on me, and when I saw that I went to great lengths to get help. So I think that's your sign that there is hope- the addict will do whatever it takes to make a new life for themselves. They are ready to put in the work.

I've been sober for 12 years now... and it's so strange to say that. It feels like lifetimes ago- no, it feels like entirely someone else's life.

Then I married an addict, and that story has a happy ending, too- but probably not the one you're hoping to hear. He didn't get better, he got worse. Because he didn't want recovery, and I should have known from experience that my trying to force it was futile. But I learned so incredibly much from the experience and I am better for it. I like myself a whole lot better than I did before. I'm a better mother and human being. And I finally, FINALLY know my worth.

Best wishes in your situation.

ladyscribbler

When I first started lurking and reading here, I had a very narrow definition for what constituted a "success story" or "happy ending." HE gets sober (however that happens, I didn't really understand addiction or care about the details) and we all lived happily ever after. No discomfort or upheaval for my life. Just HE changes=I'm happy. Simple, right? But a bit more complex in the execution, because there was nothing I could do to bring about that desired ending.

I consider my story a success story. Not staying with an abusive actively drinking alcoholic isn't really a "failure" by my current standards, but I had to change my standards. I had to change a lot of things. Which was not part of my previous plan for success, but it ended up working out nonetheless.

I had to quit defining my life through relationships, no matter how important they were to me. I had to let go of trying to rescue, fix and change another person, however much I cared about them. I had to enter into my own recovery through the Al-Anon program to understand why I was defining success in my own life by another person's actions and choices.

This is a sticky thread over in the F&F of Alcoholics section. Some good reading here.http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html

Thelyoness83

Thank you all. I had a rough day yesterday. All your words help. At one point, I felt I'd seen the light-I recognized my co-dependency and own addiction. Addicted to uncovering and outing the addict. The more I found out about, the more I attempted to control him, I was consumed with detective work. I just recently (since belonging to this site) recognized and found out what I was doing. I couldn't see how I was just pushing him to get smarter with his hiding. Even though I was baffled at how he was still getting money bc I thought I had a lock on the finances, but somehow he was bc he was still getting high. I still don't know how he's getting money or from where but he is bc I am just absolutely positive he's still using even though he denies it. We've done this for too many years for me to know the signs and the behavior. So no matter what he says I know he's lying and I go crazy trying to figure it out. So anyway, after I figured out MY problem I felt good about myself and our relationship did improve for a short while...bc I wasn't nagging him or stalking him and our bank account and questioning everything he did. I mean who wants to live that way? But somehow I lost sight of MY recovery and fell back into MY old habits of spying and questioning. Which gets me nowhere. It's been said before by myself and others...even when caught red handed he lies. So I again see how I am trying to push him into being clean and it does not work. I was just feeling so sad about it all yesterday. It's a mourning in a way. I miss the relationship we used to have, the person he used to be, and I want so badly for it to be that way. I felt like if I could control the situation then I could keep him from using. And I'm afraid of not being able to be in control and him using. I'm kind of resigning myself to the fact that we will probably get divorced. I found an old phone from 5 years ago and I was reading our old texts. Same story, except he was more loving to me back then. But the drug use and the fights and the lies..all the same stuff. He does use less, considerably less, but he thinks he can use once a month and that's it, he tried this and it didn't take long before he was stealing from my parents to feed the addiction so he just cannot use ever. Ugh some days I just don't feel like dealing with this anymore and then other days I feel like I can keep trying. More than anything though right now I feel negative. He will never change, and i see no other choice than him leaving and me not looking back. And that scares me and makes me so damn depressed.