Having irrational thoughts...
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Having irrational thoughts...
I'm struggling to not cry this morning. How do you just move on from your best friend of 6 years? How do you just pretend they no longer exist? I'm afraid my apartment will feel so empty when he's officially out. I'm afraid I'll never find love again. I'm afraid I won't be able to re-build a social network of friends that doesn't include him.
I know that we should breakup, but I'm not sure I could have made the decision on my own at this point. He did this once before about 4 years ago. He broke up with me (we weren't living together) and we were no contact for about 3 months. At that point I was finally starting to feel better about myself and thinking of him less. Then he called me and the whole thing started again. He says that won't happen again and that this is it. It's over.
I know that we should breakup, but I'm not sure I could have made the decision on my own at this point. He did this once before about 4 years ago. He broke up with me (we weren't living together) and we were no contact for about 3 months. At that point I was finally starting to feel better about myself and thinking of him less. Then he called me and the whole thing started again. He says that won't happen again and that this is it. It's over.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
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GBriezy - I feel like you're really struggling because he broke up with you and not the other way around. I have read most of your posts and I feel like you're treading water in the same spot. Can you move out of your place? Get a new one? Maybe pack it up and get a roommate for a few months and save up for an amazing new place of your own.
I remember feeling those same things, I may never have another bf, where am I going to find friends, etc. I came to the conclusion that I would rather be alone than treated like crap and put up with alcoholism/addiction for the rest of my short life on this earth.
Sometimes getting outside and getting some movement can help relieve the tension and loneliness. Meetup.com has lots of different avenues to meet new people depending on your interests. Church groups welcome new members and are a good way to meet new people. Al-anon and groups such as that, the same.
From the tone of your posts, I really feel like you need to start focusing on yourself. Every single one is just a merry-go-round of your mind around this dude who told you what he had to say. I have heard the saying around here before that goes something like, "When someone tells you something, believe them." Don't try to reconcile it to mean something that it isn't.
Sending you hugs. I hope you can go out and have some fun this weekend!
I remember feeling those same things, I may never have another bf, where am I going to find friends, etc. I came to the conclusion that I would rather be alone than treated like crap and put up with alcoholism/addiction for the rest of my short life on this earth.
Sometimes getting outside and getting some movement can help relieve the tension and loneliness. Meetup.com has lots of different avenues to meet new people depending on your interests. Church groups welcome new members and are a good way to meet new people. Al-anon and groups such as that, the same.
From the tone of your posts, I really feel like you need to start focusing on yourself. Every single one is just a merry-go-round of your mind around this dude who told you what he had to say. I have heard the saying around here before that goes something like, "When someone tells you something, believe them." Don't try to reconcile it to mean something that it isn't.
Sending you hugs. I hope you can go out and have some fun this weekend!
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Thanks for the response, letitend. You're probably right. It's a huge blow to feel like he's leaving me and not the other way around. He's the one with too many issues to count, but I'm not perfect either and he wants out more than I do. Once he's actually gone (end of the month), I think I'll at least have the opportunity to start the healing process. I don't want to leave my apartment for a number of reasons. It's an insanely good deal for the neighborhood. (I love the neighborhood.) It's really decent sized. And it would really be a financial blow for me to leave. I am worried that staying here will bring up too many memories though.
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GBriezy....these feelings are NORMAL for the situation and are experienced by most everyone in your situation...at the point that you are now.
It will m ake a big difference, once you vacate that living space!
When you start to make movements of going forward with your own life....your self confidence will begin to return.....
Remember that it is actions that change the feeling....not feelings...then action.... (when a person is trying to make changes)......
You keep using terms like "irrational" and "wrong" to describe y ourself and your feelings.
I think that you do a lot of negative self talk.....
I think that making a habit or positive self talk and abandon the negative self talk will do you a lot of good in how you feel, also.....
Stick with your therapist and your support group to give you guidance through the first year of no contact.....
***It takes more than 3monts of no contact to break the chains of your emotional bo ndage.....
Right now, I think that your emotional peace is more important than floor space...lol...
***and, don't forget to send him a thank you card, in ten years, to thank him for the favor that he is doing for you...
It will m ake a big difference, once you vacate that living space!
When you start to make movements of going forward with your own life....your self confidence will begin to return.....
Remember that it is actions that change the feeling....not feelings...then action.... (when a person is trying to make changes)......
You keep using terms like "irrational" and "wrong" to describe y ourself and your feelings.
I think that you do a lot of negative self talk.....
I think that making a habit or positive self talk and abandon the negative self talk will do you a lot of good in how you feel, also.....
Stick with your therapist and your support group to give you guidance through the first year of no contact.....
***It takes more than 3monts of no contact to break the chains of your emotional bo ndage.....
Right now, I think that your emotional peace is more important than floor space...lol...
***and, don't forget to send him a thank you card, in ten years, to thank him for the favor that he is doing for you...
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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There is no real cure except time, no contact and distraction, although "distraction" doesn't mean a new relationship, because those rebound things are always bad idea afterward.
Is there something that really interests you that you've always wanted to try? Now's a great time for that.
Every day that goes by is one step toward a new future. It gets better, it really does.
P.S. Avoid sappy movies like the plague!
Is there something that really interests you that you've always wanted to try? Now's a great time for that.
Every day that goes by is one step toward a new future. It gets better, it really does.
P.S. Avoid sappy movies like the plague!
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
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I would rather be alone than treated like crap and put up with alcoholism/addiction for the rest of my short life on this earth.
Exactly how I felt and that helped me make the big decision- I have had second thoughts. But it is getting easier. Building a good life for myself really helps. and shouldn't I be doing taht anyway?
Exactly how I felt and that helped me make the big decision- I have had second thoughts. But it is getting easier. Building a good life for myself really helps. and shouldn't I be doing taht anyway?
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Originally Posted by TimeForMe 
I found this to be sooooooo true! "One of the hardest things you will ever have to do, my dear, is grieve the loss of a person who is still alive." I'm not sure who said that.
That really sums so much up. Thanks for sharing.
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Hi,
Now I can dissect everything that you said there, but perhaps you should be the one to do that. I remember taking out a pad and pen once to write down all of the pro's and the con's of that relationship. (My marriage of 27 yrs)
It was seeming to me that all of the things that I was putting on the pro side, was eventually crossed off and put on the con side.
Ex. --- I will feel alone, and have no one who loves me. Truth is, I was already alone, and I actually felt more alone in the house when he was in the house and ignoring me or "going at me". I knew I would rather talk to a wall or "count flowers on the wall" , then to have to spend another night with that non-sense.
The bad far outweighs the good when you do a pro and con list.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
Now I can dissect everything that you said there, but perhaps you should be the one to do that. I remember taking out a pad and pen once to write down all of the pro's and the con's of that relationship. (My marriage of 27 yrs)
It was seeming to me that all of the things that I was putting on the pro side, was eventually crossed off and put on the con side.
Ex. --- I will feel alone, and have no one who loves me. Truth is, I was already alone, and I actually felt more alone in the house when he was in the house and ignoring me or "going at me". I knew I would rather talk to a wall or "count flowers on the wall" , then to have to spend another night with that non-sense.
The bad far outweighs the good when you do a pro and con list.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
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Originally Posted by qtpi
I would rather be alone than treated like crap and put up with alcoholism/addiction for the rest of my short life on this earth.
When I really think about the last several years, I think I've allowed him to make me feel like I'm not good enough and that's why it's so hard to let go. Even though I have great things going for me, I was never cool enough (for lack of a better word) for him. He's a poet and an artist, and I'm just a working stiff with no passion. He's always made me feel like I was just an extension of him rather than an individual in my own right. It's hard to explain, but it's made me feel self-conscious about finding someone else. Like I'm too boring to catch someone else's attention.
All that being said, I appreciate everyone's responses. I'm feeling a lot of regular breakup feelings on top of the whole codependency thing. I just need to keep reminding myself that I will get through this with time.
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gbriezy.....you got it backwards! It wasn't that you weren't enough for him....he was not enough for you.....
Poet and artist types can be sooo self centered and into their own head space...
someone who is self centered might not be enough for you....do you think?
Would you like a relationship with someone who cared about how you felt and how you thought...had you on a pedestal and treated you with repect?
Poet and artist types can be sooo self centered and into their own head space...
someone who is self centered might not be enough for you....do you think?
Would you like a relationship with someone who cared about how you felt and how you thought...had you on a pedestal and treated you with repect?
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Originally Posted by amy55
Hi,
Ex. --- I will feel alone, and have no one who loves me. Truth is, I was already alone, and I actually felt more alone in the house when he was in the house and ignoring me or "going at me". I knew I would rather talk to a wall or "count flowers on the wall" , then to have to spend another night with that non-sense.
Ex. --- I will feel alone, and have no one who loves me. Truth is, I was already alone, and I actually felt more alone in the house when he was in the house and ignoring me or "going at me". I knew I would rather talk to a wall or "count flowers on the wall" , then to have to spend another night with that non-sense.
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OK, now let's take another one from that bad side of the journal.
I'm afraid that I will never find love again................
What I'm going to say here is something you might not want to hear. "Never find love again"................ This took me a really long time. What I did find out that was I had to start loving myself. That is the first and really only love that you need.
I read a story somewhere, I don't remember the source, but it said something like, all of us have a "well" inside themselves. I think that story said you needed to keep that "well" filled up with 75%, love for yourself. (It meant that you needed to take care of yourself, and take care of your own happiness and decisions). The other 25% you can give away to someone else.
The thing here is, that whatever you were giving away to another, should also be reciprocated to you, so that neither "well" runs dry.
I know with me, that I was giving and giving, and I wasn't getting anything in return, and my "well" ran dry. I had no more love to give to another, because my "well" was dry, and I had no love for me either.
I had to first start filling up my own "well". I had to start loving myself again, and respecting myself again.
It's a long road, but you found a lot of friends here.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy
I'm afraid that I will never find love again................
What I'm going to say here is something you might not want to hear. "Never find love again"................ This took me a really long time. What I did find out that was I had to start loving myself. That is the first and really only love that you need.
I read a story somewhere, I don't remember the source, but it said something like, all of us have a "well" inside themselves. I think that story said you needed to keep that "well" filled up with 75%, love for yourself. (It meant that you needed to take care of yourself, and take care of your own happiness and decisions). The other 25% you can give away to someone else.
The thing here is, that whatever you were giving away to another, should also be reciprocated to you, so that neither "well" runs dry.
I know with me, that I was giving and giving, and I wasn't getting anything in return, and my "well" ran dry. I had no more love to give to another, because my "well" was dry, and I had no love for me either.
I had to first start filling up my own "well". I had to start loving myself again, and respecting myself again.
It's a long road, but you found a lot of friends here.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy
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Originally Posted by gbriezy
Yes, it's been so lonely for so long. Today I was feeling sad because it was such a beautiful early fall day. It's my favorite season. I love cheesy stuff like apple picking, haunted houses and going to outdoor festivals. I thought, god -- I'm going to miss out on so much this fall. But then I remembered that he refuses to do stuff like that with me anyway!
But just like you, I realized that was all fairy dust. How long had it been since any of those things had actually happened?
He would have been drinking, pretending to work on a model airplane, while the sunset was happening, not watching it w/me.
He would have been cranky, distant and hungover during the dog walk and like as not would have picked a fight and stormed off home, leaving me to finish the walk alone. That would be IF he even came with me in the first place.
He would have sat while I talked about my bad day, offering nothing, looking bored, and eventually said something like "so are you done now? I need to get upstairs and get another coat of paint on the plane."
Like we talked about the other day, what we are missing is NOT the actual person, the reality of our lives together--we are missing what we hoped for and dreamed of. We still have to mourn that, but it's important that we realize exactly what it is that we're mourning...
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Originally Posted by gbriezy
Sounds like a no brainer when you put it that way
He's a poet and an artist, and I'm just a working stiff with no passion. He's always made me feel like I was just an extension of him rather than an individual in my own right. It's hard to explain, but it's made me feel self-conscious about finding someone else. Like I'm too boring to catch someone else's attention.
.
He's a poet and an artist, and I'm just a working stiff with no passion. He's always made me feel like I was just an extension of him rather than an individual in my own right. It's hard to explain, but it's made me feel self-conscious about finding someone else. Like I'm too boring to catch someone else's attention.
.
It's all an illusion. He is gas lighting you and making you feel like you are not yourself, like your feelings aren't real.
My xAbf said the same stuff to me. He can play the guitar and he thinks he can write electronic music (yawns). I used to feel like he was going to 'make it big' and leave me, the boring accountant behind. Haha. I really am not boring and everyone who knows me, likes me. He is the only one that doesn't 'get me'. Really he just doesn't get responsibility. Really he doesn't have the emotional capacity to plan and dream about real possibilities (owning a home, taking relaxing vacations) and being part of making that reality happen.
When he says that he is going to 'start making music' again when we finally live in separate houses, I say GREAT. That is a wonderful outlet for you.
It is all quacking. When he moves into his own place, he will be drinking more and become even more of a slob. He will throw his clothes all over the floor, refuse to clean his toilet for over a month, drink like there is no tomorrow and strum away on his guitar ALONE in his bedroom. Who knows how long his roommate (that he does not know personally) will accept to live like this with him. I don't know and don't care.
Honestly, I am so aware of all MY feelings at this point that there is no way that he will ever weasel his way back into being MY problem again.
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curious....just how successful is he at this "artist" gig......? artists have no more claim to passion than those that "create" in other ways.......
Today I was feeling sad because it was such a beautiful early fall day. It's my favorite season. I love cheesy stuff like apple picking, haunted houses and going to outdoor festivals. I thought, god -- I'm going to miss out on so much this fall.
you can do EVERYTHING you LOVE to do, any time you wish. on your own even....in fact i bet you'd be amazed at how different the experience IS when you go solo and don't have anyone else's filter to consider.
Today I was feeling sad because it was such a beautiful early fall day. It's my favorite season. I love cheesy stuff like apple picking, haunted houses and going to outdoor festivals. I thought, god -- I'm going to miss out on so much this fall.
you can do EVERYTHING you LOVE to do, any time you wish. on your own even....in fact i bet you'd be amazed at how different the experience IS when you go solo and don't have anyone else's filter to consider.
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Originally Posted by letitend
f
When he moves into his own place, he will be drinking more and become even more of a slob. He will throw his clothes all over the floor, refuse to clean his toilet for over a month, drink like there is no tomorrow and strum away on his guitar ALONE in his bedroom. Who knows how long his roommate (that he does not know personally) will accept to live like this with him.
When he moves into his own place, he will be drinking more and become even more of a slob. He will throw his clothes all over the floor, refuse to clean his toilet for over a month, drink like there is no tomorrow and strum away on his guitar ALONE in his bedroom. Who knows how long his roommate (that he does not know personally) will accept to live like this with him.
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When I really think about the last several years, I think I've allowed him to make me feel like I'm not good enough and that's why it's so hard to let go. Even though I have great things going for me, I was never cool enough (for lack of a better word) for him. He's a poet and an artist, and I'm just a working stiff with no passion.
I know a couple people in the creative field. And they don't stay in their rooms and drink themselves stupid. They HUSTLE like I've never seen people hustle because they know you can't make art if you can't eat. The ones who hold their heads up highest are the ones with second jobs because they don't want to continually rely on the Bank of Mom and Dad or BF/GF. And they RESPECT people who have the steady 9 to 5 jobs because those people are the audience and the inspiration for their art.
Poet and artist. I'm sorry, moron is more like it.
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Yeah... The creative, artsy, moody, music-man-about-to-make-it-big type LOLOLOLOLOL! What a joke he is. Right up there with the video gamer down in Mom's basement playing video games with someone half way across the world and the girlfriend thinking "He's really important!! Look at him!!" Sorry, but it sounds like the same thing from the outside.
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Hehe. It really is kind of silly, isn't it? Honestly, he's not successful at all. When he was about 20 (so like almost a decade ago), he was making a few things happen for himself, like booking shows and he received some really great reviews from local media. He even had a couple of sold out shows in our city. But from what I hear, he showed up to those shows completely wasted and then nothing much happened for him after that. He just started drinking and playing alone.
I will say that he has recently started a band (and a podcast showcasing local singer/songwriters), which are new for him. Even though there isn't any immediate success associated with those things, I think the fact that he's actually doing something is giving him an even bigger ego than he already had. He very ardently believes that he is extraordinarily talented. I've always thought he was pretty good, but rarely extraordinary.
I will say that he has recently started a band (and a podcast showcasing local singer/songwriters), which are new for him. Even though there isn't any immediate success associated with those things, I think the fact that he's actually doing something is giving him an even bigger ego than he already had. He very ardently believes that he is extraordinarily talented. I've always thought he was pretty good, but rarely extraordinary.
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