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Am I wrong for standing up to him about his recent drinking binges?



Am I wrong for standing up to him about his recent drinking binges?

Old 09-10-2016, 05:16 AM
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Soinlove
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Post Am I wrong for standing up to him about his recent drinking binges?

Loving an alcoholic is always a roller coaster.. I have known that and yet was sho Jed when thus started again recently. It was usually just 1-2 in the evening unwinding from work & id have a glass of wine myself. Then recently due to bad weather he'd have to be off work for a day here and there. When i came home from work (@4:30 pm) he'd be asleep and several cans ( spiked iced tea) would be on nightstand & I noticed z few more in trash when I'd toss something out. All last weekend when we were supposed to go do some things to enjoy the weather & holiday weekend with my preteen kids... He stayed in bed/ sad he didn't feel great. We'd talk about it later & he'd admit to having too much , along with taking his prescribed meds ( for anxiety & depression ). Sun- Wed were great... Normal work days no drinking. Then Thursday was rainy do he couldn't work, I came home and again way to many cans and sleeping until 7 pm. Through this all I go about my normal life doing this & that ... But it's getting to me--& I've told him it's hurting me that he's choosing this over me.
Friday is another bad weather day so he isn't working...but told me in morning all the things he needed to do. I ran home at lunch excited to see him.. And I find him still in bed. He's in a great mood .. Which changes quickly when I comment on the dozen plus empty cans .. I asked what happened to you telling me last night that you were fine drinking that particular stuff?( he acts diff, more angry and hostile when he has that vs something like beer)... He said I guess I lied. I threw the cans away & do a few things before going back to work. Before I left I went and layed by him & said.. I hope you know how much I truly love you, I'm scared ,& I'm unsure what I'm to do... I know you can go this if you choose too , but it's got to be your choice .. Il help in any way I can, but please know that you repeatedly choosing drinking is telling me you are choosing it over me...& I know that deep down that isn't you & I don't think that's what you really want. I asked if he'd meet me after work for dinner or something & he said yes& I love you so so much.
... And I went back to work.
My kids had to come by about 4& they said when they got there he was leaving ..& said something about he had to go take care of a few things ( kids are with their dad for this weekend ). I got home about 20 min later & knew something was wrong. They had left for weekend, but abf was still gone & he'd taken his dog & lAptop with him .. But nothing else ( well from what I can tell a change of clothes )... But everything else is still here .. Bathroom stuff, dog stuff, work boots & clothes, etc
Yet I never heard from him last night... No calls, no texts & he never came back home... He has never just left like this without at least telling me he needed some time or something line that...
I cried, I was angry , now I am just sad. Sad that this is happening ... I stood up to him about the amounts he was drinking and that it was affecting our relationship ... & he ran ..
He isn't speaking to parents but that is unrelated to this , so I know he didn't go there ... I don't know.. Maybe a hotel or motel that allows pets ?... So he could binge drink ?...
I know I'll talk to him again , but I have some thinking to do ... This is my life & he is my life partner ( only a week ago he told me he's started looking at rings ) & we each have out issues to work on... But this is a big one ...
Love is tough & I'm in it for the long haul .. But I do have boundaries .. This is one he has to decide on , I'll help but it has to be his decision .
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Old 09-10-2016, 06:50 AM
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Hello SoinLove,

How is the counseling going? Has this person recommended any books or journaling to you? I think one of your compounding issues is the recent death of your father. You have a lot on your plate!

So have you gone to an Al Anon meeting yet? Have you looked up the times and locations?

I'm suspecting not and I get it 110%. A friend of mine at work invited me to her Al Anon group and I never went with her. I never went to an Al Anon meeting until maybe 6 years after her invitation. And when I finally did go, I had looked up and written down the times of several meetings several weeks before I finally had the guts to go.

When I walked in, the people were very kind. It wound up not being the group I stuck with, but it got me started on learning about how addictions impact families and relationships.

Time to make some new connections. These connections will help you not only speak truth but learn to live it with better boundaries. I made a ton of headway using counseling, SR and Al Anon.
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Old 09-11-2016, 11:17 PM
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This is what started happening with my fiance. I'd start having the serious talks with him about his drinking - and I thought I was just reaching out. I'd come home from work to an empty house and he'd ignore my calls and texts all evening and all night. He'd go binge drink and usually show up anytime between the middle of the night to the next day.

The talks only made it worse. He'd accept them and always tell me how much he loved me too... but soon after he'd take off and get so drunk I don't know how he didn't get alcohol poisoning.

Yelling, talking, discussing won't help him or you. Eventually you're saying the same thing over and over again.
He may promise he'll stop- and even mean it at the time, but the next time he wants to drink that promise can and will break.

I highly suggest educating yourself about alcoholism. How the disease affects him, and you- and your children if they live with you most of the time.
Getting to an Al anon meeting would be very beneficial for you as well.

Try to just keep calm and educate yourself.
Sending hugs!
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Old 09-12-2016, 12:55 AM
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I work and love my Al-anon program. It suggests to me that I focus on myself and building a happy and busy life. Leave the A to do what they are going to do anyway. Giving them heartfelt talks just exhausts us. We are wasting our valuable time. Take care of yourself.
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Old 09-12-2016, 07:27 AM
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I had countless conversations like you describe with my RAW. After each one, I'd feel better as if somehow things would change or suddenly get better. I was only kidding myself b/c they never did. Maybe for a few days but she'd always relapse. Not until she hit her rock bottom and ask for help did things start to change.

The alcoholic in your life cannot stop drinking for anyone or any reason other than themselves. To attempt to somehow help them to stop drinking is futile and just creates feelings of hostility and failure against yourself. All anyone can do is take care of themselves. Create healthy boundaries of what is acceptable and what isn't. Only you can answer that for yourself. It took me several attempts at Al Anon to finally start to get the message. It's not an easy one to digest and it takes constant reminders. That's why so many of us are many years into our own recoveries well after our alcoholic achieves sobriety.
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Old 09-12-2016, 08:58 AM
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On top of the suggestions above I would recommend that you research alcoholism, progression of alcoholism, alcoholic behaviors, the effects on children living in a home with an alcoholic and statistics of recovery and what that entails if and when the alcoholic chooses to recover.
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