WBYWife

Having yet another night where I want to sob or rage and have no one to talk to, I went searching for a forum like this.

I've been poking around and reading for a bit and I think I feel more hopeless than I did before. We've been married 16 years, we have children ranging from 6 months to 15 years. The drinking and tobacco use did not start at all until about 6 years ago. It took me a long time to even realize it was happening.

While my husband has cut back somewhat on his drinking (6 months ago he told me that drinking a 1.75 L bottle of Jack every three days was normal, with a shrug. Then elevated liver enzymes turned up in a physical and he got sent by the AF to their alcohol recovery program, where he did 4 classes, stayed dry for 3 weeks, got a pat on the back and was done). Now he only buys liquor in the 750 L bottles and I'd say he averages 3-4 of those a week plus the occasional beer.

The frustrating thing (and the big red flag to me) is that he keeps making promises. When he first started drinking, I told him multiple times that I didn't mind if he drank but I hated it when he got drunk. Several months ago, we agreed that the definition of being drunk was going over 0.08 and I bought a breathalyzer so that he could test. But he goes over that usually twice a week and I never have any warning. We got in a huge fight Wednesay because I had been out in the evening and had no idea that he'd been drinking and thought I was just making conversation that evidentially he took the wrong way. When the lightbulb came on, I asked him how much he'd had and he got belligerent. He didn't remember any of the conversation the next day but he did say he vaguely remembered being mean to me and apologized for that.

I convinced him to go to a class to help with the tobacco addiction which he agreed to and went this morning but when I tentatively suggested that he might still be drinking too much he got angry and asked if I thought that was the case the other night when he'd only had one beer. He told me he wanted to change, though (this was yesterday) I don't know how the class went because...

Today I saw a mostly-empty bottle on the counter and timidly asked how he was feeling and he straight out said, ".15" He then told me that he was going to watch a movie with our son, pass out and get up tomorrow and life would go on.

I guess I'm just not sure where to go from here. I know that the constant strain is taking a toll on me. My pregnancy with our last baby was nothing less than hell. I was so ill that I was taking multiple medications and getting IV therapy at the hospital multiple times a week just to stay alive and I would frequently have to take over doing things that he'd promised to do for the kids, etc. He would take days off work and tell me it was so he could help me but would always end up getting super drunk on them. I did Easter completely on my own 2 days before giving birth when he drank well over a liter of whisky after swearing to me that he wouldn't drink that night. I had to be happy with my kids while they did Easter traditions without h because I didn't want them to suffer.

I know that he will never change unless he wants to. I love him deeply but I would be happier without him. But I worry about my kids and finances, I've been a stay at home mom this whole time. My oldest is a dedicated gymnast who should easily get a gymnastics scholarship in less than 3 years but in the meantime it's quite expensive. I spend a lot of time driving to practices. I have a baby. While I believe I could support my kids, it would require a drastic lifestyle change. I don't want my kids to miss out because of his choices but I also don't want them to be messed up from dealing with them. He mostly drinks late at night after they are in bed so they have never experienced the worst of his behavior but I do worry.

I'm sorry that this is so long-winded. I guess I'd like advice on where to go from here. I feel like jumping on a divorce is too hasty. I've suggested marriage counseling and he seems amenable but I don't think it's something he will ever bother to schedule. Should I just set that up myself and see how things go? Is he really improving like he tells me? Should I be more patient?

Thanks for listening!

Mags1

Hi WBYWife, and welcome to SR.

It does seem your husband has a problem, and until he wants to do anything about his drinking nothing will change.

You've come to the right place. There's a lot of people here who have experience of what you're going through with sound advice.

Take care of yourself and your children.xx

CodeJob

Welcome to SR!

Read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Download, go to the library, or buy a copy. This book can help you see what is going on in your marriage and help you start thinking about what you might want to do or not do. Melody's writing is clear.

If you can get to an Al Anon meeting, please do!

You are trying to brake a train that you are not the engineer. Your H's behavior that you describe indicates that he is not at all in control of his drinking either. It's just a matter of time before he is back to where he was and likely > than...

I think you are in the Air Force? I'm not sure what other resources they have for you? Was there a partner component to the drinking program he was assigned to complete? What are the consequences with his job if he has to return to their program? Is he in a situation he could get kicked out?

I know that feeling of feeling like you are the backbone of your family and making every school event, holiday, and the exhaustion to do it just so. Learning about alcoholism and how it impacts a family is worth your time.

Take care!

Kissedbyfire

Welcome to SR WBYWife.
You've come to a great place with lots of people who can offer advice, guidance, and lend an ear, and support.

First off, I'm sending you lots of hugs. You're a great mom, and in a tough spot, but you can get through this one step at a time.

First thing I'd suggest is to stop breathalizing him. He's going to drink over the agreed limit whenever he feels like it. Testing him is only going to stress you out. It wont stop, slow down, or decrease his drinking. I'd put the machine away and stop bringing it up to him. When your spouse is being a belligerent alcoholic, you don't need a machine to tell you. In a way- we have become human breathalyzer's once we start acknowledging that their drinking is a problem. I can tell just from looking into my fiancé's eyes when he's even had one or two- they appear empty and vacant and seeing that look used to put my blood pressure up in a second.

I agree with CodeJob that getting to an Al Anon meeting would be a great start. If you can juggle your schedule with your family to make it to one, it will be rewarding.

The best place to start is educating yourself on the disease. How it affects you, and your entire family. You've acknowledged that he will never change unless he wants to. That means that you need to make a change and worry about yourself and your little ones. Reading as much literature about this, and talking to people here on SR is a fantastic beginning.

Start with educating yourself and taking a step back on trying to control his drinking.
There is support here for you, and people who know what you're going through. Keep coming back. ♡

NYswimDad

I really feel for you WBYWife. You are definitely not alone. There is much help and good advice on this forum. I echo what everyone above says, especially the Al Anon part. Same goes for the breathalyzer. You don't need a machine to tell you that something is not right. And what's the impact for blowing a number over .08? nothing. so why bother testing? it just creates anxiety for you and feelings of failure for him. Most importantly, it is a vain attempt to control his behavior.

The first thing you need to accept is that you have no control over him. No matter how hard you try, you are just not that powerful. The day I finally started to accept that was the day I finally started to feel better. It's counter-intuitive. I thought "if I just know how much she's drinking, then I can help her." But I couldn't help her. I couldn't get her to stop. and as a result, I just got angry and felt like a failure. So now we had two people who were angry and felt like failures. Not exactly a recipe for success.

I go to the Serenity Prayer often b/c it's a great reminder for me. It may seem like just words at first but eventually, it can become part of the fabric of your life. Good luck and keep coming back.

FireSprite

I'm really sorry that you find yourself here, I can imagine how exhausted you are dealing with all of this just 6 months post-partum from a particularly difficult pregnancy.

I would suggest doing nothing right now. I would suggest taking a slow & steady step back while you educate yourself more about addiction/alcoholism so that you can really assess what you are dealing with in everyday life. Start here with the sticky threads at the top of this forum - They are made up of tons of great shares & links to a lot of wonderful information.

Read up on codependency to see if that strikes a chord for you on your side of things too - not all spouses are codependent, but I think most of us at least develop codependent behavior over the course of a long-term relationship to an addict. Breathalyzing him is a perfect example of how we Codies often think we can "control" the situation in order to steer it in a better direction. Counting bottles makes you right but then what? What can you DO about it when you know for sure how much he's already had to drink?

My favorite quote from another member about counseling in your kind of situation is that marriage counseling with an active addict is like brushing your teeth with oreos, completely ineffective - you can't work on fixing anything with someone who is in full denial about why you are even there.

Look into Alanon if you are open to it - having face-to-face support where you can talk to people who have walked in your very shoes can be irreplaceable for some people. Alanon is about supporting you to understand the reality of your situation, the limits of what you can & can't control & how to manage despite dealing with active addiction.... it does not help you manage him or his issues in any way. Depending on where you are you can likely find a meeting that will allow you to bring the baby too.

Welcome to SR!

WBYWife

Thank you so much! I immediately downloaded the book in both kindle and audio format and started listening. Audiobooks are great for me because I spend so long in the car but I quickly realized that I would want to go back and reread parts of it. It is really hitting home with me!

I went to a church-sponsored support group and the first meeting was about setting limits, which made me think I was supposed to do more but now I'm realizing that my 'limits' are just me being controlling. I'm still not sure how to go forward but I think I will look for an Al Anon meeting. Just knowing that there is something I can do for myself is huge.

He is Air Force. He's actually a pilot but has been off flying status for nearly a year because he's been getting treated for depression. I believe that his alcohol and tobacco use may have started as a form of self-medication but unfortunately his getting treatment has backfired in many ways as the temporary position he is in now is very lax and doesn't seem to have consequences for him showing up super late several times a week. He just stays late and gets his work done, which means he's not helping out with the family. Another frustration of mine. As far as I know, there was no spouse component. It was largely educational... this is a serving, this is how many servings you should have, etc. Afterwards he told me that he had learned his lesson but he got drunk again less than 5 days later. Being a pilot, any type of substance problem really could cause issues with his career. He wants to get out but I'm not sure how that will go in the civilian world either.

I really appreciate the time you took to respond and apologize for taking so long to get back. Every time I've been home the last few days, he has as well and I didn't really want him reading over my shoulder. Thank you!

WBYWife

Thank you so much!! I appreciate the support and advice so much. I'm going to look up Al Anon meetings, there may be one that will work while the older kids are in school.

And I haven't actually been using the breathalyzer on him or even asking him about it. I bought it originally way before he took his class because he kept insisting that he wasn't actually drunk so when he agreed to stay below .08, I had (obviously false) hope that it would help. Now he uses it pretty much every time he drinks but I guess he just thinks it's funny? I don't really understand it and he doesn't remember the next morning. Oh, well. I won't ask him anymore. You're right, I always know.

Thank you again, I will keep trying to educate myself.

WBYWife

Thanks! I was just thinking about the Serenity prayer. It really is perfect for this situation.

Reading about codependency really is helping me. I realized that I am doing exactly what I'm not supposed to, obsessing over his behavior. Many nights I wake up and can't sleep when I realize he's not in bed and that's especially bad when you are already up with a baby! I need to learn to let go and concentrate on myself.

WBYWife

Wow, what you said really strikes a cord. I started trying to see how much he drank/reading about alcoholism mostly to find out if I was crazy. We both were raised Mormons so I've never really been around alcohol before and when I a would say something about it he always told me that what he was drinking was well within normal limits and that I was only opposed from a moral standpoint. I guess when I finally realized and was confident that there was something wrong, I hoped that I could get him to see that, too? It's such a weird disorder. If my spouse had a bad cough and I read that it might be pneumonia, he'd go the doctor and get it checked but if I suggest that he might have a chemical dependency? Not a chance.

I'm been looking at Al Anon meetings. Unfortunately, most of them are pretty far from me but there's one on Wednesday mornings that's only 15 minutes away so I think that I will try that.

Thank you!

kittycat3

Hugs. I can relate to this because I used to be married to a heavy drinker and I remember how trapped that made me feel. Of course much of that may have been my own addiction screaming at me ("why can't I drink just a little when he is abusing it so often") but ultimately i learned I can only control me and not anyone else's using.

I think Al-anon is huge in helping people admit that they are powerless - just like AA helps me remind myself of my own powerlessness over my addiction. And you'll see you are not alone.

As a reminder, you are not alone

chicory

WBYWife,

Its very hard, letting go, and doing the things to help You.... we want to try to fix them, but we cannot.

I have found that trying to control them only makes them resentful, but when you let go, they just might get the message that you might have boundaries. its so important for your sanity, and your peace of mind, to let go, and to focus on yourself.

wishing you the best and I am glad you found SR. Its a lifesaver, in my opinion.
You will find many who have been where you are, and understand.

CodeJob

Hello! I'm so glad the book is helping you. I finished Codependent No More during my train commute home and I remember just flipping back and restarting it. It helped me start to let go. It helped me focus on what I could control - my reactions, my understanding, And raising my kid.

So here's the thing. Your H is wrong to think his drinking problem will magically go away if he gets out of AF. This is not really for you to tell him. But you need to see that his battle with addiction is likely going to be an issue for sometime. He's in Denial. it's hard to pick out if he's truly depressed or if it's the Jack. Sometimes they get dry and that depression is still an issue. For my H, his anxiety totally dissipated when he got sober.

My H failed his first outpatient program as he could not grasp that he was JUST LIKE the others in the group. He was sober no more than 3 mo. He could not put his unique alcoholic brain to the task. My H finally figured things out in an inpatient rehab 5 years later. My H was in the AF when we were first married and drank a ton. Is it still sold super cheap on base? He used to tell me everyone drank like him to relieve stress. There was no telling him the truth. But when I saw everyone hauling stuff out of the liquor shop, maybe he was right!?

If you speak out for help in the chain of command, are you damning his career? That would have been really bad 20 years ago. Now that the military is under constant war, maybe they have better programming?

Here's another great article for you. There's a few really good ones on this site.

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Eauchiche

Dear wife
A couple of things you posted jumped out at me; Breathalyzer tests and promises to you. It sounds like you have become his "higher power."

You probably know now that you can't save him. Please DO follow others' urgings here to get involved with AlAnon. If you are active in your faith community, perhaps you could also confidentially reach out to leadership there.