CentralOhioDad

So, AW saw a news story on her phone this morning about a 4 year old that was found in a van with two parents who had OD'd. First of all that is sickening, and she thought so too.

She said, "That child being around that is scary - what if he wants to try it because he thinks it's normal?" I responded with, "Yes, kids who grow up around addiction believe it is normal because that's what they see everyday. Growing up around any addiction will scar a child. It becomes their new norm. Also, how can a person teach a child against the dangers of drugs and alcohol when it's constantly present in the household and the experience it every day?" She said she agreed.

Yet that's exactly what she is doing every day, to our child - yet she is in such deep denial that it most certainly cannot pertain to her.

Amazing.

Expanding

When I saw how denial worked it made my stomach knot. I don't believe it's active suppression. From what I understand it's a primitive defense and it occurs subconsciously. My exA would say the same things... it's easier to point the finger and focus on someone else's shortcomings than it is to look at yourself. Truth is, living with an A mother was traumatizing for me. She would pass out but when she was awake it was just as bad... yelling and verbally abusive... there were times when I would PRAY she would pass out so I could get some peace.

Just as we can be a frog in the boiling water I think the addict can be too. They don't realize how far they have fallen until they hit rock bottom. Being passed out in a car and photographed for the world to see would hopefully wake me up

Thumper

This is going to sound harsh but it is my truth every day and still something I experience some anguish over 7 years later.....Once I was out a little bit (6mos maybe) I was far more sickened by myself. By what I accepted and allowed my kids to be exposed to than by what he did. I have forgiven him - not sure I'm quite there with forgiving myself yet.

Kissedbyfire

My RA fiance is the same way. Would be totally disgusted by news stories like that.

Though our daughter is only 9 months old and is constantly shielded by me... there's going to come a day where she doesn't take many if any naps, knows and understands word, and learns the "uh oh dad's drunk" mindset and learn to hide - like I did when I was a kid.

He's only 3 weeks into his recovery and has said he doesn't want her growing up around it. He now sees that addiction runs in both our families so there's a chance that it might affect her, and her not seeing it as the norm might help her odds to not succumb to addiction.

It's nice seeing that reality check now... but if that reality doesn't stick around for him... I'll protect her from it by any means necessary. If he chooses to throw his life away, it's my responsibility to protect her.

I'm sorry COD. I wish and hope she opens her eyes to her hypocrisy and finds her way out of denial.

Kboys

Yep^^^^I feel this way too...

I saw that story too... ugh, it was heartbreaking.

Denial is so powerful!
I was thinking about it yesterday, as I was talking to a client of mine, who shared that she has just fled from a DV relationship fueled by alcohol. She told me about a few of the violent episodes she experienced with her bf, and how she left and went back to him several times in the past. She looked so run down, and just so so sad.
I thought, how awful that situation is, and how horrific it must have been for her to go through all of that terror... but I went through the same things.
I was in major denial about how bad it was, and how detrimental it was for my children, until I started talking about it, and until I came here.
I had to keep going, getting up every day, going to work and taking care of my kids.
I wasn't ready to face the reality of it and DO something about it, so I just had to keep believing it wasn't "that bad," and that my kids are "still little, they'll be fine, they aren't going to remember"....and just keep going, because that was all I could do at the time....

Hugs to you and you DS COD!!!

dandylion

COD....I also think that some alcoholics make a distinction between "drugs" and alcohol, in their own mind.
I have known a lot of people and some alcoholics who drink like fish..who look down their nose at drug addicts....

firebolt

Yeah, my XABF (who liked other peoples pills from time to time, and has blown more money than he cared to think about in keno machines) thought pot smokers were stupid and lazy. Meth and cocaine users were scary, thieving and pathetic. Overeaters were fat and greedy. Shopaholics were sad.

So...

Yeah...

I wish there was an emoji with low flying irony passing the oblivious smiley face right by...

Then again...I was once far more blind than I am now. Willfully blind.

Maddening on all accounts.

Hayfmr

My AW considered drug addicts the scum of the earth. The only difference I can see between a drug addict and an alcohol addict is that alcohol is more socially acceptable. The end result is the same.

Sunshine1234

Yep my ex used to talk about how everyone in town was a drug addict and how he couldn't find any good helpers with his business because everyone was an addict. Meanwhile I find out HE is a drug addict. I don't know if he told me those things to cover up his addiction or if he truly believed himself and was in extreme denial. I tend to think it was the latter of the two.

Nata1980

Oh yeah, the good old quacking "I admit I am an addict - but look at Bob, he used druggier drugs and he is not much of a father". As a result, I know way TMI on all local AA meeting dwellers (so much for Anonymous part), and have to still endure quacks about how XAH is superior to other addicts in some manner.

Dude. You have supervised visits only. The good father myth is pretty much dispelled. So much denial wow.

I feel for him and other addicts - it must be so crappy to have character defects so pervasive so facing those defects is impossible.

My therapist today said that I shall not treat XAH as a sane person, and he may never be able to face his demons.

She won't get it now while she drinks, and she may not even get it if she sobers up and works the steps. Minimizing just feels so right.

Bubovski

Was reading a newspaper piece re kids here in Oz on prescribed anti depressants, some mere toddlers, and suicides occurring.
No room for class distinctions when it comes to all dangerous drugs.

SaidNobody

Denial is scary.......I am constantly wondering what I am in denial of.

AnvilheadII

Also, how can a person teach a child against the dangers of drugs and alcohol when it's constantly present in the household and the experience it every day?

well, one could LEAVE that environment, remove the children from the threat.

just sayin'................

Expanding

This shook me to my core, yes!

When you are in denial you don't have a clue... I have thought this myself many times! What lessons have I yet to learn, will they all be as painful? What else am I not seeing?

However, as scary as it is, my life has never been as better as it is now. Is it perfect? No, but I am here now. And coming from someone who always avoided everything (by either latching on to someone else and focusing on THEIR problems or drinking/eating/web surfing/enter drug of choice here) I really had no leg to stand on. And really, it's not that scary once you get over the initial hump... it's a feeling of, "oh. that's what I've been avoiding this whole time?"

Not to downplay it because getting over that hump can be hard... but once you do it's smooth sailing

CodeJob

That photo is shocking.

Eauchiche

"I only drink socially..." , "I only drink beer....", "I only drink on weekends....", "I NEVER drink and drive....."

All standard addict boilerplate!

Lilro

C.O.D. I also saw that news feed photo and article on FB. It breaks my heart to think about the things this child has witnessed.

Denial. It's tricky. My Xabf used to tell me that he was nothing like the other people that were going to the AA meetings that he seldom attended. I think it's easier to point the finger at someone else than to look inward. We all do it to a certain extent. He obviously wasn't seeing what I was seeing and was quick to blame his exwife for the way his children conducted their own lifestyles. It's a sad situation all around.

As for myself, I grew up in a household where my father drank. Till this day I find it hard to label him an alcoholic. Maybe out of loyalty, sadness for him, I'm not sure what it is. He was the binge drinker, he was the guy that stopped at the bar for a few drinks on his way home from work every night. It was a running joke in our family ( he's the Irish, it's in his blood ). Looking back, it was not funny at all. I'm quite sure now after many years of therapy and self reflection that this is the reason I found it acceptable to have relationships with addicted partners. I went from my Exhusband who was a heavy drinker then a pill popper to an Xabf. The chaos and insanity that goes with these relationships are my norm. Or should I say were my norm. It's what I grew up with, what I knew.
The best decision I ever made for my son was to remove him and myself from both toxic environments. I gave him a safe place away from his dad, away from my Xabf. I know I did the right thing, absolutely!
Sometimes C.O.D. the person that needs to snap out of it is not the addicted partner but you, yourself. ( I say that with much respect ).
Hang in there....
Ro

knowthetriggers

When my RAH was actively drinking he would come home and tell me stories about how he helped his fellow co-workers deal with their drinking problems.

Nothing is more disturbing to me than hearing the words YOU have told your own A come out of his own mouth to a complete stranger.

When he would tell me those things I would think that I was standing in an episode of the Twilight Zone....

(((hugs))

Yoga

Unfortunately that is part of the Ism,deep denial.

LeeJane

A's always seem to look for people to look down on. Someone they can judge to be worse than themselves. Help keep their denial solid.