Moment of weakness

Old 09-08-2016, 10:11 PM
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Moment of weakness

I'm feeling very weak and vulnerable. It just sprung on me really suddenly.
I'm feeling lonely, sad, vulnerable and anxious. I hate it. I've been feeling really good lately.

My RAF (I normally call him my RAH but our wedding was put off when I got unexpectedly got pregnant so we're really only engaged) got off work at a decent time. His work sent him for his truck drivers D class licence so after his drivers test he came home early. We chatted about his work, our daughter... just normal chatter, had dinner, played with the little one and then spent the rest of the evening resting, watching a sitcom. It's been three weeks of distance.

Three weeks ago things were going really well between us. Then he stopped into a bar on the way home from work and had one too many drinks out of no where, and didn't come home for hours. We fought a little when he came home and I threw my hands up and went to bed and he passed out on the couch.

The next morning I decided I'd sleep in. I had no interest in making sure he made it to work on time (he did) or that he had a lunch packed for him. He texted me all day and I ignored the texts and when he called to talk I told him I didn't want to.
He came home crying and begging and finally admitted his drinking was a problem.

The frequency of his drinking is usually not my problem. He goes weeks without it at times no problem. It's that he will go to a friend's or drink at a bar and 'a beer' turns into 15 beers. As a beer drinker- he doesn't do well with liquor. He drinks it at fast as beer. He never buys it to keep at home because he eventually figured that out and he's just obnoxious and rude when he drinks liquor... or that much at least. When he drinks at home - nothing bad ever really happens. When we have drank together, it's not a lot of fun because he drinks faster than me and we're not on the same level and he ends up falling asleep when 'I'm just getting started' so to speak. But the crazy ignorant behaviour pretty much only happened when he drank at the bar - or his sister's house. This sister of his despises me. Apparently I'm a snob to her because I was drinking a lattè once in front of her that I had grabbed from starbucks on my way to visit her and was going to be the DD for my RAF (here in Canada Starbucks is a lot pricier than your average coffee shop). My RAF also confided in her too much about our relationship which he now says he regrets. She's never met our daughter and he no longer speaks to her because she sent him a long nasty text about me and about how he's pathetic for being with me. She's also an alcoholic.

He explained his intentions of just stopping in at the bar for a beer then coming home. He realizes now that he can't just have one. Having just one beer causes him to just want more and that his ability to make good decisions is corrupted with just one beer. He'd never even remotely admitted in anyway that his drinking was a problem before. I listened to him talk about it as though he was in fear. Possibly the same fear I might have felt when I first started seeing the problem... possibly even more scared. I still told him I was very upset and hurt. He came home again obnoxiously drunk and acted like a jerk and prior to this everything was going really great between us. We had just gone out on a fun date night with mini-put, dinner and dancing for the first time since before I had gotten pregnant (so 18 months roughly), and had a blast together. He felt compelled to keep getting on his knees, hold my hands and beg for my forgiveness. He kept trying to hug me and hold hands and touch my hair. The next day he finally said "I'm an alcoholic, I'll never have another drink again. It's ruining my life, and has ruined the past two years of my life."
We talked a lot about it. He explained things to me. Things I already knew and witnessed for a long time, but it was like a revelation to him.

Since then, there's been little to no contact. No intimacy, a hug feels kind of empty, and occasionally I'll get a knee slap when I'm sitting next to him watching TV.
We haven't been together for a very long time. We've been together for 2.5 years. In our first year together, we got engaged and about 6 months later we found out I was pregnant.

Not to be graphic or go in to too much detail, but as long as we've been together, we've always had a very healthy physical relationship. He pulls off the hard-ass front very well to everyone, but behind closed doors, he's always been a big softy who likes to cuddle, hold hands, and always gives me a hug and a kiss on the way out and coming home. He's always called me "honey," sweetheart," or "beautiful." He texts me "I miss you" when he's working long hours at work. He calls me a little closer to cuddle with him on the couch at times when we're just settling down and watching TV.
It feels like that's gone. He reclines at his end of the couch and I stay in my spot. A kiss goodbye when he goes to work, seems like an obligation. I sleep on my side of the bed and he sleeps on his, and it's lights out right away. He calls me by my name a lot now and occasionally calls me honey. It seems like he doesn't even look at me the same anymore. That look that always made me feel to my core that he lived me and wanted me. I'm glad to say he still remains just as sweet with our daughter though. Tells her how much he loves her and missed her when he gets home from work.

I can't help but to miss it. To miss what we had through good times and bad throughout our entire relationship. For it to totally evaporate just like that... it hurts and it's confusing. Thinking about it now, it makes me wonder if he's not in love with me anymore. If some how, the day he decided to kick the booze, was the day he decided that I'm not the one anymore. I look at the ring on my finger, and wonder if it means anything.

I feel pathetic. Because I have this emptiness and loneliness.
Sure he'd go weeks at a time sober, but has his true sobriety taken away some clouds he had and brought him to the realization that he isn't in love with me anymore? Or is this normal?
I understand there's a bigger picture at hand here, but the sudden lack of physical and emotional connection has thrown me for a loop.

Just very sad and confused tonight. Hopefully by the morning my mood turns around and I have more positivity.
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Old 09-09-2016, 02:29 AM
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KissedbyFire....Unfortunately, I haven't been in your exact shoes...but, I hve known and dealt with a lot of alcoholics..as well as my own qualifier.....
Your story seems to be a very common complaint...from what spouses have told me....and from the many times, you will read about this, here on SR.

Perhaps, you have already said...but, what kind of program of support is your husband following....or is he j ust trying to "white knuckle" through it..?

early recovery, by all reports is a pretty miserable and confusing time for the alcoholic. They are trying to get by without the veery thing that allows them to feel "normal". For the alcoholic...that is how they manage their feelings. Alcohol, to them is like water to a fish.
There is a sort of war going on inside their head 24/7...between themselves and the alcoholic voice that is pushing them to drink.....a compulsion....

***stress can be a big ole romance killer!

In other news...there is the spouse..who has dreamed that putting down the bottle would make everything o.k. The investment and the pain that they have suffered has been stored in a big emotional basket....awaiting the time when he would quit drinking and be so grateful and reward with apologies and a return to the original honeymoon period.....When this doesn't happen, right away...the resentment and disappointment can feel overwhelming (and shocking).....

Lol...I have so often said that the alcoholic should go on a year long sabbiatical to the mountains of Nepal to work through their early recovery....as it would be merciful for all concerned!

Perhaps it would help you some to read up on the typical behaviors of a newly sober alcoholic....just so that you would not be inclined to take it so personally....because I don't think it is about you.....it is about his battle with the disease...
Knowledge does help..
Knowledge is power
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Old 09-09-2016, 02:59 AM
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Kissedbyfire......

Marriage family therapy,alcoholism drug addiction counseling,Stillwater,addiction counseling,family counseling, marriage counselor, marriage family therapist,mental health counseling,Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.,Depression,Anxiety,Infidelity,Family Busin

You might go to this website and look for articles on "early recovery"
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Old 09-09-2016, 04:26 AM
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I seriously doubt he's suddenly fallen "out of love" with you. But trying to stay sober is incredibly difficult and a huge internal upheaval under the best of circumstances--and the way he's doing it--white knuckling--is hardly the best of circumstances.

If I had to predict what will PROBABLY happen--there's a better than even chance he's not done drinking. I'm not predicting he CAN'T recover, only that I'd be quite surprised if this was his last drink, with no support. I know many people who have recovered without AA or a formal "program" but they are usually getting support of some kind--from a therapist or a group like SR, and they are usually doing some of the same kind of internal work on themselves that the Step work accomplishes.

Want to know what's probably going through his head right now? "Maybe it wasn't so bad, it's just beer, I'll never be able to have fun with my friends again, this is all an overreaction, yada yada."

If someone told you that you had a medical condition that would be potentially crippling or fatal if you drank, you'd probably have not that much difficulty giving it up for good. For an alcoholic, the prospect of never drinking again is overwhelming--the end of life as he knows it. The other aspect of alcoholism--aside from not having that "off" button--is an obsession to drink. That's what's working on him now--the obsession.

AA talks about the "spiritual awakening" as being the only thing that will relieve the obsession. That doesn't mean a religious conversion, or visions or anything--it's defined as a "personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism." The Steps are one way to make that happen; there are others. But all require a lot of work and introspection.

Very few alcoholics stay sober on their first attempt. Most of them start out the same way your guy did. And, realistically, most people DO have to try--and fail--on their own, repeatedly, before they realize it's too big for them to handle completely on their own, by using sheer willpower.

So I think he's far from hopeless--he at least has admitted alcohol is causing serious problems in his life. Lots of people never even get that far.

My suggestion is that you work as hard as you can on your own recovery, and taking care of yourself and your baby. As I said, I think there's a good chance you're in for a bit more drinking before he is ready to do what he needs to do for this to "stick."
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