tifftreehugger

Am I just a cliche'? Writing in a thread asking whether to try again w my husband now that he has admitted himself to rehab? That is *he* has done it rather than me doing all the admission stuff for him, only for him to check out a few days later. I have 'left' him, filed court documents and have really disconnected. But of course he's asking me to try again. We haven't even had our first anniversary yet. I want to believe. I want that gorgeous husband back. I'm pretty educated - I know that he is now an alcoholic, that we have both changed, that it will take a long time to heal, and a lot of therapy! I'm only just finding my feet again. Do I open my heart again? I'm so hurt. Deeply. I'm sure others of you have faced this. Anyone want to share? It's a tough decision. 😕

caretaker88

It is an incredibly difficult decision, but only you can honestly answer that. The good news is that you don't have to make any decisions about it at this very moment. Give yourself time. Ask for and seek clarity from what you believe to be your higher power. Spend this time on healing yourself and exploring what you want out of life. Your AH may be in treatment, however, as you know, there are no guarantees. Are you willing to accept this as your possible reality if you stay? These are very difficult questions to answer for any of us. If you decide to stay, make sure you are able to assert what you will and will not stand for (boundaries). Express to your AH exactly what you want out of life and how his drinking and behavior does not have a place in your plans. If I can remember correctly, you do not have children. If I were in your shoes, I would put all of this behind you, forgive yourself, get some therapy and surround yourself with good supportive people..... and move on. This is only what I would do, but only you know what you can live with.

gbriezy

I'm in no position to give advice (currently struggling through a breakup myself), but I read through your old post from August and I think you should move on. You sound like an incredibly caring person and I think you deserve a fresh start after the nightmare you've been through. It's your decision of course, but the relationship seems too tainted to ever be what you'd originally hoped for.

Hawkeye13

So he checked out and isn't in treatment now?

I think if that's the case, it suggests he is not in recovery at all.

You don't have to decide now, but stepping back on your own for awhile
and watching what he does, not what he says, will tell you a lot.

Checking out of rehab early is a pretty clear message no matter what
he claims about "trying again".
I'd personally keep my legal and residential distance, at least for now
but as others have said, that is a decision only you can make.

Refiner

Tiff I just read your background story from August and am HORRIFIED for you. This man needs professional help, not you as his wife. I take it he doesn't work? Who pays the bills and for 2 houses? It sounds like he got married to have a caretaker, not a partner. You deserve better than that. His family is mad at you for not "enabling" bc they're scared to death you'll leave and he becomes their problem again. NOT YOUR PROBLEM. You deserve to have a partner in life, not a grown sh*tting, p*ssing, puking smelling baby to take care of until he kills himself.

hearthealth

It's your decision of course, but the relationship seems too tainted to ever be what you'd originally hoped for.[/QUOTE]
I'm emotionally detaching from my AH. I keep wondering about my future. What would I need for this relationship to be a relationship? I think it will take time, plenty of time, on my own path. I need to see he really is working on himself and is different. I took my husband back after three months. It wasn't long enough. There isn't a right answer to how long that process takes since it's an individual process. He said all the right things but didn't change his actions. He is back to his old ways. I changed myself enough to know this isn't the relationship I need to have a healthy family and household. There are other people and other goals I want for myself even though I will remember the past.

Seren

Hello tiff,

I, too, read your first thread here that you wrote in August--just one month ago. In that thread, you did not think he would be alive at Christmas time. I am glad that he went to treatment of his own accord. That is a hopeful sign.

If it were me, and it's not, it would take much more than checking himself into recovery and just 4 short weeks of time for me to throw caution to the wind and move back in with him. The way you described his living conditions alone would be more than enough to give me pause--a large, pregnant with twins kind of pause.

Again, if it were me, I would wait until he had at least one year of solid, consistent, honest, transparent recovery before I would reconsider being in a relationship with him.

As others have said, however, this is entirely your decision. What do you think will be in your best interest and for your happiness in the long-run?

LexieCat

My second husband almost died of liver/kidney failure. He went straight from the hospital to detox. He started going to AA. He was mostly sober (with a couple of "slips"--or so it seemed to me at the time). We moved across the country together and got married. In a matter of weeks, he lost his job and went back to drinking the same way he did before.

Health scares and treatment don't equal recovery. You're OUT right now, and it's a lot easier to STAY out, than to leave AGAIN.

There is all the time in the world here. Take care of yourself, and observe what happens with him. And as Seren suggested, see where he's at a YEAR from now.

Ariesagain

Here's your first post..

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...g-support.html

Given how advanced his alcoholism is, statistically his chances of real recovery are very poor.

Please reread that post...is that the life you want to risk resuming?

Nata1980

+1 on what Seren and Lexie said. I was in you shoes when I took AH back after 1 month rehab stay and about 4 months living apart, he still relapsed 2 years later. So these thoughts are pretty common.

If it were me, I would need 1 year sober, evidence of long term rehab stay, working the steps, and mental health treatment of some sort - the whole elimination of fluids everywhere sounds like a dual diagnosis to me.

CentralOhioDad

I just read last month's post. Frankly, I wouldn't want to be anywhere near that person after that - yuck. I know you love him, I understand that. I know also that you are having trouble coming to terms with the reality of this marriage not syncing with the hopes and dreams you had a year ago, and I'm sorry for that.

He needs to clean up his act - literally and figuratively, and in a big way. Then 'maybe' things can be revisited , way down the road.

Just my $0.02

COD

Kissedbyfire

Hi Tiff,
First off, I'm sending you hugs. Lots and lots of hugs.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Living this way and experiencing all of this doom and gloom in your first year of marriage sounds dreadful when it's supposed to be such a happy time.
I'm not worried about your AH. I'm worried about you. His drinking, is his choice and seeing as you've already left I'm sure you know by now that you can't change it, you can't 'fix' him, and you can't save him.
We can throw out those life rafts to them time and time again, and pray they grab hold of it but it never works until they make their decision.

You are overcoming a serious eating disorder and I'm sure living this way for nearly a year has pushed you to the limit. Mentally, physically and emotionally. You need to focus on that just as much as you know he should be focusing on sobriety. It's wonderful that you have a support system. Instead of worrying about his funeral (easier said than done) I think you need to worry about the person those babies of yours are going to have as their Mother and role model. You have to be there for them. You need to be healthy for them.
You're not a clichè. You left that crazy, toxic mess. That in itself means you are strong. That's a hard step that many of us can't take. Going backwards without true recovery is just that, going backwards. He's tugging at those heart strings of yours and giving you a choice.
Only you can make that choice.
Work on yourself.
If you haven't tried Al anon - it is highly recommended among SR members. I went at the beginning stages of my RAH's drinking and stopped going because I was determined to fix him. I wasn't ready to hear what I needed to hear. I'm going to my first meeting tonight after 2 years. I'm ready to take my life back.

Work on your recovery from what you've endured for the past year. Focus on you and your babies and let him focus on himself and his addiction. The marriage you want can't exist between two broken people.
Stay strong and keep coming back here for more support. Keep posting. Keep your support system close. Keep recovering from anorexia, and keep getting stronger for you and your babies. ♡

Praying

Quite often when an A sees you truly breaking free they make promises and changes to get you back. The reason so many here say to wait at least a year is because these promises are often unsustainable and temporary just to get back in their comfort zone with you. True recovery will allow you space. And with that space, you may realize it's not in your best interests to be married to him. If it were me, I'd divorce or at a minimum legally separate if that's possible where you're at, and let him know to look me up in a year if he's still sober. You could always get back together. But he needs to sober up for him, not out of fear of losing you.

I did something similar after blending families with a man who turned out to be an A--he sought AA and was sober last I heard. But he wanted to start building a life together after three months...and I wasn't ready. I was holding out for at least a year. I was also realizing that I didn't want to sign up for for that again after living it once with my husband of 18 years. And that's okay.

If it were me I would think hard about whose lives I'm supposed to take care of--mine and my children. And think about what's best for them.

You're in a horrible spot. There's another post here about the death of your dreams and mourning that too--that might be a good read as well. I imagine there's a big difference between the dreams you had for your marriage and its reality.

Hugs to you.

HopingForCure

I agree. You should move on. You deserve to be happy and carefree. You are so caring and so amazing. It will not be easy to move on but take one day at a time and it will get better and better.

firebolt

Your posts kinda make it sound like YOU are the only one that has changed. You don't have to make any decisions about him today. Why not give him a couple years to work on him, and for you to work on your stuff without the stress of him and his issues around?