Elle126

Back to day 1 having made it to 9 weeks, crashed and burned at the weekend and went out on a horrendous binge. Woke up this morning to find my front door open bag and car keys in drive and the dog running wild. Drunken texts on phone to an ex from 10 years ago - why the hell did I do that?
Now feel ill, shaky and sick full of self loathing and disgust and dreading the phone call I am going to have to make to my sponsor. Back to step 1.......
For all of this nothing has changed, problems can't be drunk away, my ex is still getting married next week, my house still hasn't sold, agents now doing the drop the price advice again, still have to get a job, still have no money and now have no sobriety..
Why the hell did I do it?
Sorry guys
Elle

Lightning Bug

I think you answered your own question. You have a lot of unresolved issues and while you may have stopped the drink, you may still have work to do on how you handle conflict. You said you went back to step in 1. How far did you get?

Elle126

Probably fell down on the step 3, handing it over to God...

Dee74

Addiction has no logic, Elle. Sometimes we can attach a reason to our compulsions and sometimes not.

what are you going to do differently this time?

D

ChloeRose63

I feel for you. I have gone down the same path many times and I still never learn that although my binge takes me away, I always beat myself up the next day. I cannot handle stress. It is my biggest trigger along with lonliness and low self-esteem. Drinking makes things worse. We can get through this.

Elle126

Thank you Chloe, I think you are right I hadn't realised how stressed I was becoming regarding my financial situation and I think somewhere in the dark recesses of my mind I was building up to a drink and once I had one I didn't care any more. Evil illness.
Thank you Dee I am so sorry for having failed. I think I had stopped being honest about how much despair I was in and was putting on a brave face. Inside I was dreading September, it's here and life has to go on. Elle

Tonymblue

9 weeks is amazing. Ive never, ever hit that mark. That's mighty. Setbacks happen to the best of them. Dust yourself off and get back with it. Be proud of your accomplishment.

Elle126

thank you tony I was proud I seem to have a pattern managing periods of 6-10 weeks followed by an almighty relapse. I need to figure out how to move past this. Good luck to you too tiny before you know it you'll be at 9 months! Blessings. Elle

Elicia08

Just want you to know I am thinking of you.....

MLD51

I think you answered your own questions from your OP. You haven't learned yet how to hand things over - To God, or whatever your higher power is. I realize you have a lot going on - It's a heavy burden to carry alone. Easier said than done, but talking to your sponsor (or someone else you trust) about the stress you are under will definitely help. I don't need to tell you this, but I will anyway -
Drinking doesn't help. Ever.

Don't be afraid of that phone call to your sponsor. You need her right now. You had 9 weeks. You can get there again.

Elle126

Thank you mld, I know exactly what I did wrong, I stopped being honest pretending I was doing well but inside I was in turmoil. Didn't want to be a burden etc etc. Have called my sponsor and am waiting for her to call me back. Elle

August252015

Take care of yourself today. You know that beating yourself up will just make it worse. Easier said than done, but today is for the babiest of steps. Don't drink. Take a shower. Eat. Don't drink. Etc.

It sounds like you let things mentally spin out of control. Most of us have a lot- whatever our "a lot" is- going on; it can be overwhelming. That's when we have to have our tools- were you going to meetings? how many? how often were you in contact with your sponsor? other program/sober friends for support? prayer, spiritual, recovery readings/devotionals/etc? These are the questions....and perhaps now is the time to indeed start back at step 1 and do 90 in 90, follow the plan laid out - go to a meeting even when you think you don't need to, study the BB with your sponsor, etc.

The beginning is for not drinking. Truly doing step 1. Not drinking. The emotional stuff- while we feel it from the beginning, of course - that takes time to learn to deal with - BETTER. Not perfectly, not all the time, but better. You can do it.

Good luck. Don't drink today. Just today.

tomsteve

it reads like this is a very good lesson for ya. heres some lines from the bb that come to mind:

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.


(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.

Being convinced, we were at Step Three, which is that we decided to turn our will and our life over to God as we understood Him. Just what do we mean by that, and just what do we do?

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good.

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.


reaching for the phone is a much better solution than reaching for a bottle.
much lighter,too!

Gottalife

I, for one, am very glad you are still with us. Not everyone gets back from a slip.

Slight misconception on step 3. We make a decision to turn our will and out lives over. The action of actually turning our will and our lives over is in steps 4 to 9, and to maintain that state is in steps 10-12. Therfore the proof we have taken step three is that we are working step four.

The reason I slipped, was firstly because if was not totally convinced I was alcoholic. Then when I became convinced, I thought I could find an easier softer way, and slipped again, and again.

I could string together a few days, even a month or two, but I did not have the 24/7 defence against the fatal first drink that the AA program is all about, and that was because I chose not to do the work. As long as I chose not to do the work, I remained without choice in the matter of when and if I would drink again.

I found I had to get on with those steps, and when I did, my life changed for ever. The obsession was removed and I have not had to drink since.

Elle126

Thank you everyone for all of your truly supportive and inspirational messages. I got as far as step 4 in the AA programme, I pray every day often think the big man is sick and tired of hearing my constant little pleas lol. I do my daily gratitudes and I attend meetings most days, although now back to 90:90. I speak to my sponsor daily, do service helping to drive other members to meetings, even did my first chair a couple of weeks ago. Daily readings of the big book, reading and posting here. The trigger began on Friday when my agent told me I would have to lower the price of my house by another 20% which threw me into panic. I then started looking at jobs which also threw me into panic as i haven't worked in a full time capacity in years, was a stay at home mum.... That set me off on the who could possibly want to employ me route and bang the spiral began. I took the dog for a walk and did the one thing I had worked so hard not to do and went to the pub and that was it.
The message of the first drink now well and truly ingrained.
I allowed self pity, fear and selfishness to take the reigns....
So sorry guys but thank you so much. Elle

MLD51

Sounds like you have a solid program going - I think you just need to be aware of when that panic starts to set in and reach out right away. Don't worry about being a "bother" to your sponsor. That's what she's there for.

I find that when things start to pile up on me, it helps to make a list of the big issues, then try to break them down into manageable steps to take. Taking action on one or two of those smaller steps per day really helps tame the panic. INTO ACTION!

SomeSortOfHuman

Hi Elle,
Only at a week myself so am in awe of your nine. So sorry you've been under pressure - it sounds like you have a lot going on. I hope that if I have a slip, I handle it the way you are: by facing it, looking at why it happened and reaching for help. Very early days for me, but you seem like a good example to follow (even if you don't feel like it right now!).
x

Elle126

MLD I cannot tell you how much work I have put into my recovery, I have lived and breathed it all summer long and I will pick up the torch and carry it forward again. I guess I've got to learn the other lesson about dealing with life on life's terms, just like ordinary people do
Thank you so much for your support. Elle

Elle126

Oh thank you some sort for such a beautiful message. Recovery isn't easy but it is so worth it. Was at a meeting last week and someone said their addiction was always present with a smirk on his face casually filing his finger nails. I loved that, when I walked into that pub on Friday mine was rubbing his hands with glee!!!
Keep up the good work, you're a week ahead of me lol. Lots of love Elle x

Trees39

Welcome back