Kissedbyfire

I posted earlier regarding my AH's toxic family. He went and spoke to them and was apparently really pleasant and just told them "you get what you put in," and that he "feels like we're treated like a taxi service." He said like always his mom made ridiculous excuses. The conversation was typical and then he came home. Hours later he told me about it and I more or less sat in silence and nodded. I'm trying not to contribute to the steaming pile of mess in his family or have any part of it. I couldn't help but to think in the past few days he's been getting angry at me because of my recent and past dealings with his crazy family and says "I'm mad at them too, and I'll tell them the same. I'm just dealing with you right now."
He's been fighting with me and taking everything out on me... and they just get a pleasant conversation? That makes me so angry. I'm good to him... they use him and abuse him!
So while being silent he started asking me what's wrong. I said nothing- I don't want to bother discussing it because it'll further our conversation into discussing his family and I do not want to go there. He got really upset with me and so I said that I was just deep in thought and kind of have a lot going on in my head that's just a mess and not really worth discussing right now. That was still unacceptable. He got really upset and made remarks and was sarcastic.
I got upset and gave it to him straight and told him "for the past two weeks (since he's been sober) you've been unloading on me, you've hardly been friendly, and now you're going to do it again and treat me this way because I'm deep in thought? How is it that you can have bad weeks, bad days, bad moments and I can't even be silent and mull over a full head of thoughts for 5 minutes without you getting mad? How is it that when your family is making you angry you can take it out on me and yell at me, storm away from me, but have a pleasant conversation regarding them using you and being demanding of favors from you and never even be there to visit you or your daughter? Am I even your friend or am I your punching bag? Every ounce of anger in your body is being directed at me and I am being your only loyal support and asking for nothing in return aside from being nice to me."
He kind of got upset and silent. I asked him "can you not be my friend for one second and realize that I'm being yours? I'm going through my own stuff, and being a mom, running a household, getting ready to go off mat leave and back to work. I'm a human being with feelings too!" I listed a few examples of conversations he started with me where he ended up lecturing, criticizing and directing his anger at me.
He asked for a few minutes to think and got closer to me and took a deep breath and apologized. He thought a little more in silence. He agreed. He's been really hard on me. He said he didn't even realize it. Then he explained what he's been feeling lately:

He says he's been feeling like he's under a spotlight lately. Like he's under a magnifying glass or microscope and everyone is watching him and pressuring him. He said it feels like he's developing some sort of social anxiety disorder or phobias that he's never had. Being out in public is hard and even being at home is hard. He says he feels like he is being followed and that there's someone around every corner. He said he just wants to crawl in a hole. That he feels so tense and paranoid. He said that he really is feeling this spot light and pressure from me as well as though I'm watching his every move.
I told him that I'm giving him free reign. There's no leash and it's so evident and clear. When he leaves the house I don't text him, I never ask when he will be home, I'm not asking him many questions in general aside from what he wants for dinner, how he'd like to spend the day or evening, or if he needs laundry or stuff like that. He thought about it and agreed.
He said "maybe it's your personality. You're very hospitable, attentive and nurturing to everyone around you. It's not a bad thing, but maybe I'm having trouble separating you being your normal self, from you watching my every move."
He apologized again and said "things are hard right now, for both of us. But they're going to be okay. We're going to be okay. I promise. There's no one better for the job than us."
He kissed me on the forehead and we watched a program and he headed off to bed.

Is this new/sudden on-set of social anxiety normal when in recovery? Has anyone experienced anything like this with a recovering family member? Feeling under a microscope like they're being watched all the time? I never went as far as tracking him or following him when he was drinking like some spouses do. I knew where he was when he didn't come home or answer my calls so I never looked for him. I'm going out of my way for both of our recovery needs to not ask him much, not seem like I need him home or ask for times when he'll be done work... I feel like I'm being very low maintenance and definitely not tip-toeing around his recovery like I did his drinking. I'm trying to work on myself and ridding my life of this codependency nature. It can't be me.
Is this behaviour normal or familiar to anyone for a loved one in the beginning stages of recovery? It's been 2 weeks since he quit drinking.

Nata1980

Well, I would go really far out on a limb there and suggest that you do not ask him what he wants for dinner and whether he "needs laundry". He is a grown up and can fend for himself - can be a part of his recovery to learn to wash his drawers.

You will never know what is going through his head, and you should not. And his family can become a non-issue if you just detach from them and stop talking to them. My ex husbands family has been acting very erratically, I just smile and nod and go on my merry way. There is no reason that anything they say/do needs to be affecting you. And you cannot control dynamics with them and your AH.

And yes - alcoholics in early recovery are total nutcases, almost worse than when they are drunk. From my own experience - they can be mercurial, needy, whiny, clingy, overly emotional, obsessive, and the whole "bobody trusts me everyone is watching me" is very common

so yeah, I'd drop the laundry, and go do something nice for myself

Let go!

caretaker88

Is he in any type of recovery program? It kind of sounds like these are things he should be discussing in AA or similar. If he is in some sort of program and taking his recovery seriously, he should be talking about this with others who have been in the same place (like, other alcoholics). He should not be burdening you with his recovery issues.

And he can do his own laundry. You have enough on your plate.

LexieCat

Well, to be fair, you asked. He answered--the best he could.

I've been in two marriages to alcoholics and have been through early sobriety with both (one is still sober, the other went back to drinking). And I'm eight years sober, myself. Alcoholics in early sobriety are nuts--no two ways about it. When I got sober I was single and VERY glad I didn't live with anyone because I would NOT have been pleasant to be around. It takes months for a person--even someone who is doing all the "right stuff"--to become anything approaching normal, after quitting drinking.

Detaching is equally important during early recovery. No doubt he had this "pleasant," low-key conversation with his family because he was trying to calm the waters, and was afraid of starting WWIII with them if he said how he really felt. You weren't happy about that, and it showed. You're expecting a rational, mature reaction from someone who's got maybe a handful of his missing marbles back.

As for feeling paranoid, or under a magnifying glass, yeah--that has nothing to do with what you're doing. No doubt he realizes how many times he's let you down in the past and that's catching up with him. It's not your job to fix that for him. If he stays sober that will eventually go away.

I'd suggest putting the deep relationship conversations on hold for a while. Concentrate on your own life and recovery and let him deal with his.

Kissedbyfire

Hey guys,
Yeah, I've pushed AA at him just as much as I coulD but now it has to be his decision. I explained to him that even though he's stopped drinking and he's found it pretty easy- the aftermath/side effects are present and that a fellow AA member could possibly help/guide him through that. That there are AA members who quit drinking 20 years ago who still actively attend meetings for the support and to shed that support and their experiences upon others who are presently struggling.
I know it has to be his choice so I can't push him any further.
I know he's capable of washing his clothes and taking care of himself. I don't do it because he's incapable. I'm on maternity leave and we kind of made an agreement- he takes care of the bills and I take care of the baby and household. It's not an effect that alcoholism has on me. It also is in my personality to be attentive. I'm a personal support worker. I like a clean house, I love to cook, and despise piled laundry. But I see what everyone is saying.
I also don't like the lazy housewife stigma.
I've always worked, supported myself and maintained my household. I have those friends who stay home and play the housewife role. Their house is a disaster, their children are dirty and not entertained, and dinner is never on the table and as a lat second resort they throw nuggets in the oven or KD on the stove every day until their husband snaps. Then they get upset thinking their husband is a jerk and treating them like a slave. Makes no sense. Going back to work will be good for me- and him. I'll be getting a new job as my old one was far too stressful- and they were terrible to me when I was pregnant. I'll able to have that independence, a nice bank account and hopefully a decent savings. He'll have to pull his weight more around the house, and maybe not take me for granted as much.
I'm going to back off on the questions with him. I'll do my thing and if it's not to his liking (which usually he never complains) then he can do things for himself.

dandylion

I have always thought that it would be good if a recovering alcoholic could go on a one year sabbatical to the mountains of Nepal to work intensely on themselves and their recovery--for the first year, at least....
I think it would be merciful for ALL concerned.....

Nata1980

Yes, paired with some heavy manual labor.

redatlanta

Underneath the alcoholism most often are problems that the alcoholism masked. Sounds like your husband has an anxiety disorder. Remember that he has operated out in the world intoxicated for however many years it went on.

These feelings of paranoia can't say where they come from unless he thinks everyone is "watching" him to make sure he doesn't drink. If he is committed to not drinking - then that should dissipate soon.

Sounds like he needs some therapy/recovery system for his issues.

Kissedbyfire

I really think he does.
My AH is a strong man. It hard to say that in the same breath when I say he needs a recovery system for his addiction. He's endured a lot and gotten through it without A.
But I wish for his sake, he'd accept a little more from what is offered. My AH is the type of guy that really would never want to win the lottery- because he says it's like a cheat for life. Nothing is real because you didn't earn it.
He didn't want a baby shower when I was pregnant because WE decided to have a baby, and shouldn't be asking people for gifts when we should be supporting our own family.
I wonder if he feels like his sobriety wouldn't be his if other people supported him along the way.
He is indeed a complex fellow.

dandylion

Kissedyfire....growing up..I frequently saw the same attitude that you husband has...lol....
Kind of a take on the "super manliness"....machismo type thing....
To accept help is a sign of personal weakness....."I don't need no help from nobody"........
It is hard to imagine recovery growing in that kind of rigid thinking.....

We homo sapiens are not solitary creatures. We live in communities and have a kind of interdependence.....otherwise, our species would not have existed....
the baby shower...HA!! It takes the community to raise our young.
No man (or woman) is an island.....

LexieCat

I think it's a pretty NORMAL thing to want to feel strong enough not to need any help. To some extent it's also a "guy thing" (is yours the type that carefully reads instructions before putting something together? bet he's not).

Needing help for an addiction has nothing to do with how "strong" you are. For that matter, addiction isn't a sign of weakness. ANYONE can become addicted. Well, maybe not "anyone" because nobody knows exactly what causes it, but certainly strength or weakness isn't the determining factor. Some people can drink/drug their brains out and don't have extreme difficulty stopping when there's a good reason to. Others really struggle--and it's not the weak ones.

I've often heard it said around AA that nobody is too dumb to get sober, but plenty of people are too smart. I think people with a high level of overall intelligence and competence in other areas have a harder time taking direction from someone offering something as pathetic as a 12-Step program involving a Higher Power. For some of us it finally sinks in that THOSE people aren't suffering any more, but WE still are, so maybe they really DO know what they're talking about.

Kissedbyfire

I hear you guys.
Yes, he definitely is your typical egotistical male on paper. He does not like appearing weak. He doesn't always like accepting help, and he does not like showing any feelings.

Most people know him as a jerk. He tells it like it is, and if someone asks for his help or advice, he does not sugar coat anything.
I was the exception (or used to be). He told me that he only ever wanted me to see his loving, sweet side. For quite some time, that has held true. No one has seen the side of him that I have. Not a best friend and not his family. I'm his first love, his first serious relationship, and he proposed within our first year together.

When I met him, he was living by similar principles that al anon teaches. He was adamant about staying out of other people's lives, drama, very non-judgmental, and only lived to control his own life. When the booze came in, that part of him was tossed out the window. Some how we were both being dragged into everyone's drama, apart of petty fights and disputes... it became a nightmare.

He's very ashamed he lost himself. In the past few weeks he keeps saying he wishes he could start over with me. And not to turn to booze, and become a coward with no principles. I've told him, we can have a new beginning without time travel. We both just need to let go, and move forward and grow as individuals, then together.
Yesterday was a great day. He worked 14 hours and came home in a great mood. He was thrilled to spend a little time with our daughter, and relax a little with me before bed.
I won't count on it, but with my recent positive attitude and outlook, and drive to change things in my own life, It is possible he might follow.

dandylion

Kissedbyfire....it is true that you can only control yourself...whether he will follow suit will be up to him and you have no control over that.....

It is up to you, what kind of life you want...for yourself and your little child....
In other words...your happiness is your responsibility. Your decisions and the consequences for those decisions, also belong to you.
You don't need him to be happy. You may want him...but, you don't need him......

You deserve to be happy.....

You have brains in your head
and, feets in your shoes
And, you can direct them
in any way that you choose
Dr. Seuss