It's bothering me again
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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It's bothering me again
Everyone kept telling me that exA's new relationship was "just a rebound" and that it wasn't going to last. Well, here we are six months later and they are still together. For some reason, this is making me feel similar to how I felt all those months ago (althought not nearly as painful, thank goodness). I feel unlovable, like there is something wrong with me.
I think I am going to take some steps back as this breaking up process comes to a close. I am making overall progress in my life. I am looking to hire a personal trainer and I have been thinking about the type of life I want to live.... but it feels incomplete, like something is missing.
Being purposely single is kind of messing with my head where it feels as though there is something wrong with me... I don't feel right without having someone else in my life. I don't want to start anything with anyone under these types of beliefs... it wouldn't feel right.
I am scared that I won't feel that instant connection with anyone else. He is still so familiar to me, and I am scared that when I do feel that instant connection that it's going to be with a person that has another substance problem and/or is emotionally unavailable.
Everyone around me is getting married and I don't want to be a lonely old cat lady, such a stereotype I know... but it also kind of seems as though most couples I know aren't happy, and I would rather be alone than in another junk relationship where I am not happy.
I have no idea what I am trying to say here. There is something going on in my mind recently that I need to figure out... for the past few days I have felt a sick feeling over exA being in a relationship and I am not... even though for the longest time I was fine with it and didn't care... I can't figure out why I suddenly do care.
I think I am going to take some steps back as this breaking up process comes to a close. I am making overall progress in my life. I am looking to hire a personal trainer and I have been thinking about the type of life I want to live.... but it feels incomplete, like something is missing.
Being purposely single is kind of messing with my head where it feels as though there is something wrong with me... I don't feel right without having someone else in my life. I don't want to start anything with anyone under these types of beliefs... it wouldn't feel right.
I am scared that I won't feel that instant connection with anyone else. He is still so familiar to me, and I am scared that when I do feel that instant connection that it's going to be with a person that has another substance problem and/or is emotionally unavailable.
Everyone around me is getting married and I don't want to be a lonely old cat lady, such a stereotype I know... but it also kind of seems as though most couples I know aren't happy, and I would rather be alone than in another junk relationship where I am not happy.
I have no idea what I am trying to say here. There is something going on in my mind recently that I need to figure out... for the past few days I have felt a sick feeling over exA being in a relationship and I am not... even though for the longest time I was fine with it and didn't care... I can't figure out why I suddenly do care.
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Expanding-
The ending of my relationship that got me here was drama filled enough to be a soap opera!
There were 4-6 people involved and out of those people I was the only person who was not actively engaged in an affair. Out of everyone involved I was also the only one who had previous established therapeutic support that I continued to get. One of the people involved actually told me four months after the split (but no divorce yet) that "Don't worry you will feel better when you start dating someone. His relationship (20 year marriage) had ended at the same time as mine and he had just met and moved a woman in with him when he said this.
I ached because I could not even see the possibility of dating. I truly though I was the mentally unhealthy one because I was the only one NOT dating.
One thing that helped was singing the Sesame Street song about "One of These Things is NOT Like the Others," a LOT.
As time passed I realized the reason I felt so bad was because I thought that everyone dating during that time was a sign of mental health. I believed it was a sign that they were "healed."
Reality could not be further from the truth. My perspective was limited by the view surrounding me, but given time I could see the bigger picture. During that time, dating was another form of self medication for them.
I kept believing that everything was perfect for them....because it looked that way on the outside.....and my insides were a mess.
Getting into recovery for co-dependence helped me. In addition reading about, learning about and connecting about affairs that impact relationships really helped me. It helped me to normalize my experience (as a person who was not involved in an affair), and it helped me to see what my ex was experiencing (another high of sorts that new relationships bring).
I am sorry you feel yucky right now, but from what you write it is a pretty normal timing at least from my experience.
The ending of my relationship that got me here was drama filled enough to be a soap opera!
There were 4-6 people involved and out of those people I was the only person who was not actively engaged in an affair. Out of everyone involved I was also the only one who had previous established therapeutic support that I continued to get. One of the people involved actually told me four months after the split (but no divorce yet) that "Don't worry you will feel better when you start dating someone. His relationship (20 year marriage) had ended at the same time as mine and he had just met and moved a woman in with him when he said this.
I ached because I could not even see the possibility of dating. I truly though I was the mentally unhealthy one because I was the only one NOT dating.
One thing that helped was singing the Sesame Street song about "One of These Things is NOT Like the Others," a LOT.
As time passed I realized the reason I felt so bad was because I thought that everyone dating during that time was a sign of mental health. I believed it was a sign that they were "healed."
Reality could not be further from the truth. My perspective was limited by the view surrounding me, but given time I could see the bigger picture. During that time, dating was another form of self medication for them.
I kept believing that everything was perfect for them....because it looked that way on the outside.....and my insides were a mess.
Getting into recovery for co-dependence helped me. In addition reading about, learning about and connecting about affairs that impact relationships really helped me. It helped me to normalize my experience (as a person who was not involved in an affair), and it helped me to see what my ex was experiencing (another high of sorts that new relationships bring).
I am sorry you feel yucky right now, but from what you write it is a pretty normal timing at least from my experience.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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PLEASE KNOW THESE FEELINGS ARE NORMAL! After my husband and I split, I felt the EXACT same way. I felt incomplete and like I was damaged goods. I was 36 and we had not had children (thank God in retrospect). I looked at every single couple that always looked so happy, especially a family with kids, and wondered "why not me?" These feelings lasted more than TWO YEARS. It wasn't until I started doing things for me (which felt selfish at first) and putting myself out there and not dwelling on the past that I really started to grow becoming comfortable with ME and actually LIKING who I was without relying on how a partner felt about me that I grew into a MUCH, MUCH better and happier version of myself! Ever since I turned that corner 15 years ago, I've loved every second of my life. Even the rocky parts bc I know they won't last forever. If I had known that I was actually codependent (my feelings for myself were dependent upon what others felt for me), I could have probably seek out healing well before that 2 year mark.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 121
It's hard to walk away from it when it's all you want. Watching him start something new is going to hurt, but if he hasn't changed, it'll end just the same.
Remind yourself that his new gf is about to enter that world of pain that you walked away from... that you felt tied to.
Loneliness comes and goes when you're single. Figure out what's going on in your head and keep working through it and staying strong.
The baggage your exA left you with- will only destroy another relationship.
Keep loving yourself.
Remind yourself that his new gf is about to enter that world of pain that you walked away from... that you felt tied to.
Loneliness comes and goes when you're single. Figure out what's going on in your head and keep working through it and staying strong.
The baggage your exA left you with- will only destroy another relationship.
Keep loving yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Hugs to you Expanding.
Can you consider a few things?
Being 6 months in a relationship does not mean it is a happy relationship. There is no happiness with an active alcoholic. This is a fact. My marriage lasted 9 years. It took me years to realize what was going on, then it took me years to accept it, then it took a bit more time to leave . I was 35 before I knew it. I was 25 when I met my ex.
My divorce was finalized in September last year. So, it's been almost a year of single life. Technically speaking, I could start dating. But you know what kind of progress I made in a year? It is absolutely mind blowing. I did more during this year of single life than during eight years of marriage! I am in a so much better position financially, emotionally, socially.
Just like in Refiner's case, my marriage was childless. Actually, it was not. I had an eternal toddler, a king baby, who was sucking life out of me. His needs always came before mine. And all I got back was name calling and yelling, whenever he wanted me off his back. That was not a loving relationship. And it lasted 10 years!
And by the way, there is nothing wrong with being one damn sexy old cat, happy, healthy, self-confident, financially stable, and fully independent. In fact, some tom cats might start meowing around.
Can you consider a few things?
Being 6 months in a relationship does not mean it is a happy relationship. There is no happiness with an active alcoholic. This is a fact. My marriage lasted 9 years. It took me years to realize what was going on, then it took me years to accept it, then it took a bit more time to leave . I was 35 before I knew it. I was 25 when I met my ex.
My divorce was finalized in September last year. So, it's been almost a year of single life. Technically speaking, I could start dating. But you know what kind of progress I made in a year? It is absolutely mind blowing. I did more during this year of single life than during eight years of marriage! I am in a so much better position financially, emotionally, socially.
Just like in Refiner's case, my marriage was childless. Actually, it was not. I had an eternal toddler, a king baby, who was sucking life out of me. His needs always came before mine. And all I got back was name calling and yelling, whenever he wanted me off his back. That was not a loving relationship. And it lasted 10 years!
And by the way, there is nothing wrong with being one damn sexy old cat, happy, healthy, self-confident, financially stable, and fully independent. In fact, some tom cats might start meowing around.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
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"
And by the way, there is nothing wrong with being one damn sexy old cat, happy, healthy, self-confident, financially stable, and fully independent. In fact, some tom cats might start meowing around."
LOL I love this!!!! And it's so true- I even went on a few dates in my early 40's with a 24 year old Boy Toy! 😳
And by the way, there is nothing wrong with being one damn sexy old cat, happy, healthy, self-confident, financially stable, and fully independent. In fact, some tom cats might start meowing around."
LOL I love this!!!! And it's so true- I even went on a few dates in my early 40's with a 24 year old Boy Toy! 😳
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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All those friends of yours that ate getting married.....check up on them in ten years....and the statistics of who worked out (happily), and those who did not might blow your mind.
Be careful for what you wish for......
Be careful for what you wish for......
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
"...I have been thinking about the type of life I want to live.... but it feels incomplete, like something is missing."
Can I ask you -- Could you be feeling incomplete because you've not received the form of closure so many of us here hope for - that you mean more than the world to your ex? Instead what so many here are left with are thoughts of "wow my exA loved fill in the blank more than me and now they are with someone else"
The lack of closure (which, by the way, won't come from irrational exA's) could be what's keeping this hurt alive for you...?
Can I ask you -- Could you be feeling incomplete because you've not received the form of closure so many of us here hope for - that you mean more than the world to your ex? Instead what so many here are left with are thoughts of "wow my exA loved fill in the blank more than me and now they are with someone else"
The lack of closure (which, by the way, won't come from irrational exA's) could be what's keeping this hurt alive for you...?
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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I think perhaps lack of closure could be part of the problem. I am wondering how you know how long your ex has been in the new relationship. Perhaps it would be better to not know those kinds of things...and if you don't know them, don't find out. I'm thinking that in order to get past this you need to NOT know how he's doing, who he's with, how long, etc. If you've been in contact somehow, maybe the best thing is to cut contact. It's likely you are going to need to provide your own closure, if that's what is lacking. I wouldn't expect to get any closure from him.
I am wondering why it is you crave "instant connection"? Sometimes the things that are best for us in the long run are not because of an instant connection starting out....
I am wondering why it is you crave "instant connection"? Sometimes the things that are best for us in the long run are not because of an instant connection starting out....
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Hugs to you, E, it must be tough
However, may I suggest that "instant connection" and "chemistry" are actually bad things? I tend to believe that healthy individuals do not "connect instantly" - it takes time....
Your addict in question just moved onto his next "victim" - and in throes of active addiction I guarantee he is not too picky either.
Your brain is playing tricks on you - addiction aside, him getting a new partner quick makes him "desirable". It is very common and is an illusion.
I know it is easier said than done - and I can relate, I really do. When I start thinking about my XAH - this is when I pull out my handy list of reasons why I divorced him. Works like a charm!
However, may I suggest that "instant connection" and "chemistry" are actually bad things? I tend to believe that healthy individuals do not "connect instantly" - it takes time....
Your addict in question just moved onto his next "victim" - and in throes of active addiction I guarantee he is not too picky either.
Your brain is playing tricks on you - addiction aside, him getting a new partner quick makes him "desirable". It is very common and is an illusion.
I know it is easier said than done - and I can relate, I really do. When I start thinking about my XAH - this is when I pull out my handy list of reasons why I divorced him. Works like a charm!
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Expanding....at 6 months, I was not finished with my grieving....it took longer.
After you pass the one year mark, this whole thing becomes easier...
Right now, I think that if he was with a skank on a broom, you would still wonder what is wrong with you. If he were with a perfect, golden saint...you would wonder what is wrong with you.
One day, you will look back and wonder what in the world you saw as so wonderful in him....
You will, eventually, find another love.....
But, a person needs grieving time (grief is the first phase of healing). It can't be rushed....and, you can't have a new, healthier love until you have healed!!!!!!!!!!
I agree that the less you know about the details of his own dysfunctional dealings, the better....
I'll bet that if you took a poll of all the people (in the world) who found a better love, after a heartbreak with the one that they thought was "the one"...you would be shocked at the statistics.....
After you pass the one year mark, this whole thing becomes easier...
Right now, I think that if he was with a skank on a broom, you would still wonder what is wrong with you. If he were with a perfect, golden saint...you would wonder what is wrong with you.
One day, you will look back and wonder what in the world you saw as so wonderful in him....
You will, eventually, find another love.....
But, a person needs grieving time (grief is the first phase of healing). It can't be rushed....and, you can't have a new, healthier love until you have healed!!!!!!!!!!
I agree that the less you know about the details of his own dysfunctional dealings, the better....
I'll bet that if you took a poll of all the people (in the world) who found a better love, after a heartbreak with the one that they thought was "the one"...you would be shocked at the statistics.....
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Beyond Codependency - Melody Beattie
Chapter 14 - Overcoming Fatal Attractions
Many of us have lived with this phenomenon of being instinctively and powerfully attracted to people who aren't in our best interests. For years I mistakenly called it "falling in love" or "God's will"....
For years, I've entertained the notion about "my type"....Never, not once have I been able to maintain a working relationship with "my type". I could make and win bets that any man I was powerfully and initially attracted to had a serious flaw that would prevent us from having a compatible relationship....My type wasn't really my type. He was my "drug of choice".
Repeat after me: practicing alcoholics, sex addicts, and gamblers aren't available to participate in healthy, loving relationships. People who need to be in recovery from anything, but aren't, aren't available to participate in relationships.
Chapter 14 - Overcoming Fatal Attractions
Many of us have lived with this phenomenon of being instinctively and powerfully attracted to people who aren't in our best interests. For years I mistakenly called it "falling in love" or "God's will"....
For years, I've entertained the notion about "my type"....Never, not once have I been able to maintain a working relationship with "my type". I could make and win bets that any man I was powerfully and initially attracted to had a serious flaw that would prevent us from having a compatible relationship....My type wasn't really my type. He was my "drug of choice".
Repeat after me: practicing alcoholics, sex addicts, and gamblers aren't available to participate in healthy, loving relationships. People who need to be in recovery from anything, but aren't, aren't available to participate in relationships.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Not sure if this helps or not, but my XAH of 18 years is still married 3.5 years post divorce (ahem, married that ENTIRE TIME having married a week post divorce). This while I've had another long term relationship that ended and am single (and very happy- more than ever in my adult life).
Every time the thought enters my head that it bugs me his relationship is "lasting", I remember what my marriage was. It was horrible. And if I'd kept playing the game he'd have stayed forever. But I wanted accountability, honesty and partnership. He couldn't provide that for me. I sure doubt he can to her either, so maybe she's happy with less. Maybe he's improved. In any case, he's not enough for me.
Don't assume the person he's with now is more valuable than you or has more to offer. My XAH's sure doesn't. But they may be a perfect match. Me...I deserve and want better, so I'm handing him off. (After lots of pain and introspection and doubt)
And I've realized that the instant connection often comes with people who don't have a lot to offer and NEED to hook you with charm. I've started completely ignoring them, even though I miss that rush. It's not worth the pain. There are lots of amazing men out there who you WILL have chemistry with...but it's so much better when the physical chemistry shows up after some emotional connection.
Every time the thought enters my head that it bugs me his relationship is "lasting", I remember what my marriage was. It was horrible. And if I'd kept playing the game he'd have stayed forever. But I wanted accountability, honesty and partnership. He couldn't provide that for me. I sure doubt he can to her either, so maybe she's happy with less. Maybe he's improved. In any case, he's not enough for me.
Don't assume the person he's with now is more valuable than you or has more to offer. My XAH's sure doesn't. But they may be a perfect match. Me...I deserve and want better, so I'm handing him off. (After lots of pain and introspection and doubt)
And I've realized that the instant connection often comes with people who don't have a lot to offer and NEED to hook you with charm. I've started completely ignoring them, even though I miss that rush. It's not worth the pain. There are lots of amazing men out there who you WILL have chemistry with...but it's so much better when the physical chemistry shows up after some emotional connection.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 67
I'm afraid of this very thing. Not enough time has passed since my breakup for him to have someone else, but I guarantee he will find someone else first. I'm going to try to avoid spying in on his life so I'm unaware (probably will fail) but when the inevitable happens I'm going to continually remind myself that he is now HER problem and try to have empathy for the horrible things she'll have to deal with.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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"Instant connections" for me usually didn't pan out in the long run. The first time that happened to me, it was a hard lesson to learn....not to be deceived by "instant connection". It's not that's it's all bad...some people we click with and remain friends for a long time....but instant connection is just that: "Instant".
However, some of the more worthwhile things in life I have invested time in were not "instant" kinds of things...they were things that proceeded to GROW and continued to grow as time went on...having substance. I've actually been surprised by things that didn't 'grab' me at first that grew on me and I eventually came to love....THOSE types of things were surprising in a way...it's like growing a beautiful garden which starts from seed and one day you are amazed at the wonderful fruit that is produced.
Wait for the miracle.
However, some of the more worthwhile things in life I have invested time in were not "instant" kinds of things...they were things that proceeded to GROW and continued to grow as time went on...having substance. I've actually been surprised by things that didn't 'grab' me at first that grew on me and I eventually came to love....THOSE types of things were surprising in a way...it's like growing a beautiful garden which starts from seed and one day you are amazed at the wonderful fruit that is produced.
Wait for the miracle.
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Originally Posted by gbriezy 
I'm afraid of this very thing. Not enough time has passed since my breakup for him to have someone else, but I guarantee he will find someone else first. I'm going to try to avoid spying in on his life so I'm unaware (probably will fail) but when the inevitable happens .
There is this tendency to look at others and wonder why they are where they are (right now) and compare it to where we are at (right now). And while I will admit I've looked at others and compared them to myself, I've really really really tried to stay away from that....there is ALWAYS going to be someone who is stronger, thinner, more fit, happier,richer, more at ease/less stressed and who seem to have it better than us. Always....so, unless it's to look to others for inspiration I try not to compare. That has been a work in progress for me....
There is always going to be a tendency to compare yourself with the X, too, no matter whether or not addiction was involved. There will always be a tendency to be curious who the X is with. But, for the peace of mind, I can sure see the merit of not knowing. Sure, you'll wonder...but do you really need to know? I'm thinking if it's not going to do you any good, you don't need to know. If it's not going to help you, you don't need to know. And certainly, if it's going to make you feel bad or worse, you don't need to know.
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