no contact
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: fargo, nd
Posts: 5
no contact
Hi, I am new to this organization and have never posted messages to any forum before. Thank you for your patience for letting me vent. It feels comforting to know that there are others who have had similar experiences as mine.
I grew up with a violent drunk, my father. He was a binge drinker. He lost his job because of his drinking, the binges got closer and closer together. My mom had a 9th grade education and didn't work so we lived on food stamps and welfare.
Here are a few memories I have that will give you an idea what it was like growing up with a violent drunk. While my dad never hit me, I was witness to him knocking out my mother's teeth in one of his drunken melees and him trying to kill my teenage brother with a baseball bat. My dad stole money from me when I was a kid; he took my coin collection to buy booze. He drank my brother's aftershave and my perfume when he didn't have booze on hand. He used to buy small items with our welfare stamps so he could accrue enough small change to buy booze.
I am now middle-aged, married with two teenage children and still I can't understand why no one in my family (aunts, uncles, grandparents) ever seemed to be interested in my mother's, brother's or my welfare when I was a child.
I was the the "caretaker" in our family. For example, when I was a freshman in high school I had to call my friend's dad to drive my father to the emergency room because he fell down the basement stairs and busted his head (he was drunk). My mother allowed me to do this. I realize now that that was crazy for me to take that responsibility.
After all of these years I can't understand why I am regarded as the "bad" child for cutting off contact with my family. I just didn't want to be sucked down into the mire of my drunk dad and needy mother. I was lucky enough to achieve "escape velocity" and moved away from my hometown and cutoff all contact. My brother was not so lucky. He became an alcoholic and sadly repeated a lot of the same behavior as my dad with his own family. He died several years ago; estranged from his two sons.
I don't understand why I feel the need to apologize for making the choices that I did. I feel very different (guilt and shame) from my colleagues and acquaintances who are now caretakers of their elderly parents. My dad has been dead for 15 years and my mom is in her eighties. I just can't bring myself to contacting my mom.
When I made my choice for "no contact" I wrote a letter to my parents explaining my decision. The central theme was that I was tired of having a drunk take center stage, my mother being a victim and the expectation that I would be there to pickup the pieces after one of my dad's binges. I never got a response to my letter.
Cutting off my family has not been easy. I am surrounded by people whose children have the benefit of loving grandparents and other relatives. I know that the world is not rosy for everyone, but sometimes it sure seems like it. As I have aged, I feel like it is becoming more and more difficult to "connect" with people and establish friendships. I have, in fact, become more reclusive; this doesn't seem like healing. Does anyone have similar feelings/experiences?
I grew up with a violent drunk, my father. He was a binge drinker. He lost his job because of his drinking, the binges got closer and closer together. My mom had a 9th grade education and didn't work so we lived on food stamps and welfare.
Here are a few memories I have that will give you an idea what it was like growing up with a violent drunk. While my dad never hit me, I was witness to him knocking out my mother's teeth in one of his drunken melees and him trying to kill my teenage brother with a baseball bat. My dad stole money from me when I was a kid; he took my coin collection to buy booze. He drank my brother's aftershave and my perfume when he didn't have booze on hand. He used to buy small items with our welfare stamps so he could accrue enough small change to buy booze.
I am now middle-aged, married with two teenage children and still I can't understand why no one in my family (aunts, uncles, grandparents) ever seemed to be interested in my mother's, brother's or my welfare when I was a child.
I was the the "caretaker" in our family. For example, when I was a freshman in high school I had to call my friend's dad to drive my father to the emergency room because he fell down the basement stairs and busted his head (he was drunk). My mother allowed me to do this. I realize now that that was crazy for me to take that responsibility.
After all of these years I can't understand why I am regarded as the "bad" child for cutting off contact with my family. I just didn't want to be sucked down into the mire of my drunk dad and needy mother. I was lucky enough to achieve "escape velocity" and moved away from my hometown and cutoff all contact. My brother was not so lucky. He became an alcoholic and sadly repeated a lot of the same behavior as my dad with his own family. He died several years ago; estranged from his two sons.
I don't understand why I feel the need to apologize for making the choices that I did. I feel very different (guilt and shame) from my colleagues and acquaintances who are now caretakers of their elderly parents. My dad has been dead for 15 years and my mom is in her eighties. I just can't bring myself to contacting my mom.
When I made my choice for "no contact" I wrote a letter to my parents explaining my decision. The central theme was that I was tired of having a drunk take center stage, my mother being a victim and the expectation that I would be there to pickup the pieces after one of my dad's binges. I never got a response to my letter.
Cutting off my family has not been easy. I am surrounded by people whose children have the benefit of loving grandparents and other relatives. I know that the world is not rosy for everyone, but sometimes it sure seems like it. As I have aged, I feel like it is becoming more and more difficult to "connect" with people and establish friendships. I have, in fact, become more reclusive; this doesn't seem like healing. Does anyone have similar feelings/experiences?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Welcome.
Well, I suppose if you're questioning it, perhaps there needs to be a little more human interaction in your life. Perhaps even in yiur recovery.
Are there any ACA or CODA meetings near you? Or AlAnon? They may be worth considering. Even if it's just to make use of their links and literature initially.
Adult Children of Alcoholics
CoDA UK - Welcome
http://www.al-anon.org/
Wishing you all the best for your recovery.
Keep reading and posting. Probably worth checking out the friends and family area as well if you haven't done so yet.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Well, I suppose if you're questioning it, perhaps there needs to be a little more human interaction in your life. Perhaps even in yiur recovery.
Are there any ACA or CODA meetings near you? Or AlAnon? They may be worth considering. Even if it's just to make use of their links and literature initially.
Adult Children of Alcoholics
CoDA UK - Welcome
http://www.al-anon.org/
Wishing you all the best for your recovery.
Keep reading and posting. Probably worth checking out the friends and family area as well if you haven't done so yet.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Hi and welcome,
My dad was a drunk and a drug addict.
He didn't hit me often but when he did it was something like a mule kick i figure. Usually i was not looking, so.a sucker punch.
Parents divorced, mom married a nice guy but they became Jeh. Wits. So they are not in my life.
I forgive both parents for how i was treated, otherwise i would be w out them.
Your dad was insane from his addiction. I can relate.
My dad was a drunk and a drug addict.
He didn't hit me often but when he did it was something like a mule kick i figure. Usually i was not looking, so.a sucker punch.
Parents divorced, mom married a nice guy but they became Jeh. Wits. So they are not in my life.
I forgive both parents for how i was treated, otherwise i would be w out them.
Your dad was insane from his addiction. I can relate.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 57
Hi,
Similar childhood. Violence. I started hitting back at 16. Many many incidents culminating in an attempted stabbing by him and a bashing by me. There was no contact for many years.
So I grew up with a lot of hatred and anger. I knew that wasn't healthy.
Anyway, long story short Brian Tracy talks about a forgiveness exercise and says that he's seeing it work like a catharsis for some people.
It's not an exaggeration.
There are three forgiveness...
1. Forgive your parents
2. Forgive everyone else
3. Forgive yourself
I 100% recommend this and I can attest that yes it is like a catharsis...
Now how the hell do you forgive parents like that...
Stephen Covey says "Seek first to understand, then to be understood"
So, I tried, it wasn't easy, but I saw that my own father had no father figure in his life. He had a drunk who died early. His mother was a weirdo and an alcoholic. What chance did he stand really. HE SIMPLY WAS NOT GIVING THE TOOLS!!!!
I no longer have hatred........I have compassion..........and I realize sometimes you have to overcome the hand you were dealt and sometimes you must parent yourself as an adult...
My mother was a bit on the cold side.....I resented her for it for many years...........I did the same exercise with regards to her...........again compassion came out of the exercise and I almost view her as the little girl who was never loved by her own parents.....
I have regular contact with her, but with him it doesn't interest me (a person who complains all of the time and I don't have the time for that)........but I'm definitely more free now.....
I would advise the forgiveness exercise, it's quite liberating
Similar childhood. Violence. I started hitting back at 16. Many many incidents culminating in an attempted stabbing by him and a bashing by me. There was no contact for many years.
So I grew up with a lot of hatred and anger. I knew that wasn't healthy.
Anyway, long story short Brian Tracy talks about a forgiveness exercise and says that he's seeing it work like a catharsis for some people.
It's not an exaggeration.
There are three forgiveness...
1. Forgive your parents
2. Forgive everyone else
3. Forgive yourself
I 100% recommend this and I can attest that yes it is like a catharsis...
Now how the hell do you forgive parents like that...
Stephen Covey says "Seek first to understand, then to be understood"
So, I tried, it wasn't easy, but I saw that my own father had no father figure in his life. He had a drunk who died early. His mother was a weirdo and an alcoholic. What chance did he stand really. HE SIMPLY WAS NOT GIVING THE TOOLS!!!!
I no longer have hatred........I have compassion..........and I realize sometimes you have to overcome the hand you were dealt and sometimes you must parent yourself as an adult...
My mother was a bit on the cold side.....I resented her for it for many years...........I did the same exercise with regards to her...........again compassion came out of the exercise and I almost view her as the little girl who was never loved by her own parents.....
I have regular contact with her, but with him it doesn't interest me (a person who complains all of the time and I don't have the time for that)........but I'm definitely more free now.....
I would advise the forgiveness exercise, it's quite liberating
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and welcome Thunderbird 
I'm not the child of alcoholics - but as you can see there's a lot of support, and experience here
I don't know that the world is rosy for a lot of people?
Although my parents weren't alcoholics, they were toxic in other ways and I divorced myself from them when I got sober nearly ten years ago.
I decided I didn't need their approval or their condemnation anymore.
40 years was enough to carry around the weight of those relationships I figures.
Even tho I'm back in contact with them now (my mother has been ill) they don't affect me in the same way now.
I've changed, even if they can't.
I had a little counselling help - have you considered that?
we also have an ACOA forum here you may be interested in looking at as well?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...holic-parents/
D
I'm not the child of alcoholics - but as you can see there's a lot of support, and experience here
I don't know that the world is rosy for a lot of people?
Although my parents weren't alcoholics, they were toxic in other ways and I divorced myself from them when I got sober nearly ten years ago.
I decided I didn't need their approval or their condemnation anymore.
40 years was enough to carry around the weight of those relationships I figures.
Even tho I'm back in contact with them now (my mother has been ill) they don't affect me in the same way now.
I've changed, even if they can't.
I had a little counselling help - have you considered that?
we also have an ACOA forum here you may be interested in looking at as well?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...holic-parents/
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Toronto,Ontario
Posts: 1,027
Thanks for your post, it really hit home on some of the issues I have been dealing with...
First of all, your mother as you probably realize - is also a victim here....
You are certainly holding a lot of similar resentments towards your parents/family - as I did....
Rest assured you did the correct thing by cutting them off, it was the best decision for YOU and that's why you are still here. Be very PROUD of that choice, as it is NOT an easy one.
I tried to re-connect with my father, as he did stop drinking heavily about 20 years ago, but he is still a very toxic person to be around - thus, my choice is to disconnect all together - physically, and emotionally. My mother still takes his side to this day, and that's just unfortunate ... However, many women in an abusive relationship do, this was news to me to be honest, but a man with a PhD and lots of years of experience explained it to me. So be it.
We are now adults, and do not have to explain our choices, but we can choose so if we want...
Hang in there.
First of all, your mother as you probably realize - is also a victim here....
You are certainly holding a lot of similar resentments towards your parents/family - as I did....
Rest assured you did the correct thing by cutting them off, it was the best decision for YOU and that's why you are still here. Be very PROUD of that choice, as it is NOT an easy one.
I tried to re-connect with my father, as he did stop drinking heavily about 20 years ago, but he is still a very toxic person to be around - thus, my choice is to disconnect all together - physically, and emotionally. My mother still takes his side to this day, and that's just unfortunate ... However, many women in an abusive relationship do, this was news to me to be honest, but a man with a PhD and lots of years of experience explained it to me. So be it.
We are now adults, and do not have to explain our choices, but we can choose so if we want...
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Cypress
Posts: 56
My family is nuts. I maintain contact with most of them because I find that it is less painful for me to deal with their madness than it is to not have them in my life. I still remember hiding in the closet with my little sister while my parents screamed at each other. I would pull my sister out of her crib and go hide because when my Dad was done screaming at my Mom he would come look for us. If he couldn't find us, he'd storm out and be gone all day. We lived in an expensive house in a fancy neighborhood, but the water would get turned off because my parents wouldn't have money to pay the bill.
I could go on about my family's weirdness, but the bottom line is that you have to do what makes you happy and not worry about what anyone else thinks. Alcoholic and co-dependent families have crazy family dynamics. My Mom still helps my grandmother drink tankers of vodka, and makes excuses for my grandmother's drunkenness. I have chosen not to be around my grandmother, and I have gotten lectured consistently about how much I'm going to regret it when she's gone. I won't regret it. I chose not to spend time around my father if he is drinking because he will down a bottle of bourbon and say offensive crap. It's healthy to set limits and boundaries, and if not being around your mom is what's healthy for you then do what you need to do. You can be the person who doesn't pass the crazy to the next generation!
I could go on about my family's weirdness, but the bottom line is that you have to do what makes you happy and not worry about what anyone else thinks. Alcoholic and co-dependent families have crazy family dynamics. My Mom still helps my grandmother drink tankers of vodka, and makes excuses for my grandmother's drunkenness. I have chosen not to be around my grandmother, and I have gotten lectured consistently about how much I'm going to regret it when she's gone. I won't regret it. I chose not to spend time around my father if he is drinking because he will down a bottle of bourbon and say offensive crap. It's healthy to set limits and boundaries, and if not being around your mom is what's healthy for you then do what you need to do. You can be the person who doesn't pass the crazy to the next generation!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 30
Many of us have had violent alcoholic parents--me included. In the end, you must do what you feel is right for you, but someone already suggested forgiveness. I second that. You don't have to feel the forgiveness in your heart for either of your parents, and you don't have to maintain a relationship or reconnect with anyone in your family in order to forgive. You can just begin with the decision to forgive. Your heart may follow, but you should not be alarmed if it doesn't. The decision to forgive is, IMO, genuine forgiveness. If you feel the anger rising up, accept it, but remind yourself that you have decided to forgive, and move on. After some time, you may find that the anger is less intense. I have found that my sanity depends on choosing to forgive.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I think your situation is more common than you think, and that's what makes it so sad. I have gone minimal contact with my mother. It's been a great decision and I have no regrets. She is the most negative, judgmental and demeaning person I know. Not having her around makes life much more pleasant. I wrestled with the guilt for awhile, but honestly, I'm guilt free over the decision. You should be too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: fargo, nd
Posts: 5
I was raised Catholic and I remember that forgiveness was one of the greatest tenets of the faith. We were told that we should be "Christlike" in our words and deeds. I struggle with the notion of forgiveness, in that it suggests that forgiveness without action is not truly forgiveness. I have not been to church for over 40 years but it's effect lingers on. Is it possible to forgive and still have no contact?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: fargo, nd
Posts: 5
Thank you for your input. I have tried therapy off and on over the years and am currently on antidepressants. I don't know why, but therapy has not helped. I know this is going to sound crazy, but I wish there was a self-worth class I could take. I fantasize about going to a summer camp where I could learn what a person needs to do so that they can learn to value themselves and understand how to create reasonable boundaries in relationships. I feel as if I have been wandering through life without the compass that everyone else seems to have. I feel that the outcomes of my life have been happenstance and not deliberately sought.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: fargo, nd
Posts: 5
I understand the irony of living in a fancy house and having the water cut off. Did you ever wonder if people in your neighborhood had any clue what was going on in your house? Thanks so much for your reply.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: former texan
Posts: 216
While my bio Dad was not an alcoholic per se, he was a lot of other toxic things and also abused prescription drugs. He moved in and out of our house into different girlfriends homes. I sort of know why my mother put up with it and let him use our home as his revolving door. When they finally divorced, she packed up and moved us back to Canada from Texas. Where he stayed, and continued his crazy life, mostly abandoning us kids. I hated my mother for it, thought she had driven him away with her craziness.
When I was 20 I decided to go and get to know the real him. It lasted three months. Having to accept that he was toxic and could never be a part of my life was hard. I have a small peripheral awareness of where he is and what he does, but not much and I have no curiosity anymore.
I hated him for a long time. Then I was sad and depressed. Through many years of therapy and experience, those feelings finally dulled down to complete antipathy for him. I honestly have no feelings left to spare for someone who's been there for approximately 10 out of 41 years of living. And even when he was there he wasn't.
It's strange sometimes for me to think I know exactly where my real father is and I could contact him anytime, but I don't want to. And he clearly doesn't with me or my brother either. This notion that just because we are born to people it will automatically make us love and care for one another - I think many people get that more and more it's a notion that has to be figured out family by family.
I don't blame you for disconnecting. Sometimes we are stronger than we know = creating a situation for our own health and sanity.
I am still attempting to create the most 'sane' existance I can.
When I was 20 I decided to go and get to know the real him. It lasted three months. Having to accept that he was toxic and could never be a part of my life was hard. I have a small peripheral awareness of where he is and what he does, but not much and I have no curiosity anymore.
I hated him for a long time. Then I was sad and depressed. Through many years of therapy and experience, those feelings finally dulled down to complete antipathy for him. I honestly have no feelings left to spare for someone who's been there for approximately 10 out of 41 years of living. And even when he was there he wasn't.
It's strange sometimes for me to think I know exactly where my real father is and I could contact him anytime, but I don't want to. And he clearly doesn't with me or my brother either. This notion that just because we are born to people it will automatically make us love and care for one another - I think many people get that more and more it's a notion that has to be figured out family by family.
I don't blame you for disconnecting. Sometimes we are stronger than we know = creating a situation for our own health and sanity.
I am still attempting to create the most 'sane' existance I can.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
It is really sad when our parents are not the ones we should have. No advice, just letting you know, Thunderbird, that I empathize and sympathize. I guess that I would also say that your parents shaped you, and
there are good, strong things about you that came because your parents were who they are. Does that make sense?
there are good, strong things about you that came because your parents were who they are. Does that make sense?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Originally Posted by Thunderbird 
I was raised Catholic and I remember that forgiveness was one of the greatest tenets of the faith. We were told that we should be "Christlike" in our words and deeds. I struggle with the notion of forgiveness, in that it suggests that forgiveness without action is not truly forgiveness. I have not been to church for over 40 years but it's effect lingers on. Is it possible to forgive and still have no contact?
Its ideas on forgiveness changed my life:
“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack
D
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
