It's my 2 year Birthday... & I'm still depressed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Hawaii
Posts: 23
It's my 2 year Birthday... & I'm still depressed.
2 years sober from drugs and alcohol. Yet I am depressed, maybe just as depressed as I was while using, or maybe even more depressed. I can't get over my boredom, my fantasizing about the past and reminiscing and wishing I could go back so bad that it actually makes me sick, and just the thoughts that my life still sucks so might as well drink and drug cuz it's more fun that way! I haven't always been in this rut. I've had periods of "breakthrough" where I was really really proud of my sobriety and thought to myself I never ever want to go back to that lifestyle again. I mean, I haven't relapsed yet, so that's saying something right? But I often think about it so much that I get physical cravings for alcohol and it drives me crazy. For instance, right now, I decided to look at an old party friend's social media pictures of all our old "party days". I was nearly in tears because I so desperately miss those days. I think more than anything it was the feeling of not caring, being "free", and feeling connected to those around me. I lack that now. I feel like I lost my confidence and I lost who I am, as strange as that may sound, I feel like I was better off when I was using/drinking. I know that's not true, but I think I liked myself better when I was doing those things. Life was easier, probably because I could mask all of my problems with drugs and alcohol... But right now, as I celebrate 2 years of sobriety, I feel like I might as well just drink again. I don't feel excited or proud at all for 2 years. In fact, I feel like I am not a true recovered person because although I am sober, my mind is anything but sober and I don't think I am a changed person. All I did was simply stay away from drinking and using for 2 years......
Has this happened to anyone else???
Sidenote: I have been in AA off & on for the past 2 years but never got a sponsor or really worked the steps. I know I need to do this but I am honestly embarrassed of doing it after I already have 2 years sobriety, I think people will judge me...
Has this happened to anyone else???
Sidenote: I have been in AA off & on for the past 2 years but never got a sponsor or really worked the steps. I know I need to do this but I am honestly embarrassed of doing it after I already have 2 years sobriety, I think people will judge me...
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
Posts: 1,085
It's never to late to start the steps. You certainly wouldn't be the first person who had at least a couple of years sober before getting into what is the heart of the program of AA. No one will think less of you. On the contrary, they will understand how much it sucks to be restless, irritable and discontent all the time. And a sponsor will know you can be a dedicated person because you got 2 years on sheer will alone. Pretty hard to do actually. I know someone who had 10 years before she came into AA and worked the steps. She was miserable too. Now she's not.
Also, if you have a history of clinical depression, best to see a doctor as well.
Good luck!
Also, if you have a history of clinical depression, best to see a doctor as well.
Good luck!
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I say this all the time. Recovery is about building a new life not trying to make our old life work without drugs and alcohol. It sounds like you are sober but not in recovery.
For me recovery is new friends, new activities, an active spiritual life, forgiveness, self improvement, and giving instead of getting.
I agree AA, a sponsor, and working the steps are a solution to your problems. I disagree that there is something to be embarrassed about. There are many many in AA that tried it on their own but wanted more.
For me recovery is new friends, new activities, an active spiritual life, forgiveness, self improvement, and giving instead of getting.
I agree AA, a sponsor, and working the steps are a solution to your problems. I disagree that there is something to be embarrassed about. There are many many in AA that tried it on their own but wanted more.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Hawaii
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by MIRecovery 
I say this all the time. Recovery is about building a new life not trying to make our old life work without drugs and alcohol. It sounds like you are sober but not in recovery.
For me recovery is new friends, new activities, an active spiritual life, forgiveness, self improvement, and giving instead of getting.
I agree AA, a sponsor, and working the steps are a solution to your problems. I disagree that there is something to be embarrassed about. There are many many in AA that tried it on their own but wanted more.
For me recovery is new friends, new activities, an active spiritual life, forgiveness, self improvement, and giving instead of getting.
I agree AA, a sponsor, and working the steps are a solution to your problems. I disagree that there is something to be embarrassed about. There are many many in AA that tried it on their own but wanted more.
Well, the thing is, I thought I was building a new life. I was going to a lot of meetings, I became a Christian and started getting involved with church, I was slowly making friends at AA (kind of), and I became more active. But then I found myself every once in a while, maybe I'd go a month of living that "new" life, but then I would have cravings for my old life again. And I would go out with my "old" friends because that's what I was missing all that time. I wouldn't drink/use with them, I just missed going out with them. But I would always feel disappointed that I couldn't drink/use. I feel like deep inside, I will always be a "partyer" at heart and I won't be able to ever shake my desire to be around those people and just go out and have fun... Idk.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I didn't work all the steps.... though I think I have at least part-worked them all, on certain issues.
That's not 'the way it works' - but that's the way I've worked it.
Along the way, I've also gone to therapy for long periods. I've included meditation, men's group work, exercise, spirituality (of my own sort)....
And I still feel an edge of depression. Particularly in winter.
I still think there are things from my past that weigh on me. Haunt me. That NOT working the steps probably hinders.
But, I'm closer and closer to 3 years sober and my life is actually really good.
Maybe my path is a different way of dealing with those things. Maybe the steps as prescribed aren't always the only way....
Or maybe I'm delaying something that would really help.
One thing I do know; just stopping drinking isn't sobriety. Many... if not most of us.... also struggle with depression, anxiety, other psychological influences. To varying degrees. For some - taking away the alcohol is only the layer that will allow them to seek proper treatment (which may even include medication) for actual, clinical depression. For some - taking away the alcohol is the opening to address those emotional / psychological issues that have long plagued them anyway but were left unaddressed because of addiction.
You're the only one who knows how deeply depression may be impacting you - but if all you're doing is NOT DRINKING and you find yourself struggling with depression, then it probably won't just go away all on its own. Working the steps may really help. But also, consulting with a qualified therapist, speaking with your doctor, taking up an exercise program, including yoga and meditation in your life, and looking honestly at your social support network and what you might do about it if there are gaps - are all actions you can take that many, many others have found help in.
Hang in there, stay sober above all else, and ask yourself "what am I willing to DO today? What new action am I willing to try, in order to continue improving my life"?
That's not 'the way it works' - but that's the way I've worked it.
Along the way, I've also gone to therapy for long periods. I've included meditation, men's group work, exercise, spirituality (of my own sort)....
And I still feel an edge of depression. Particularly in winter.
I still think there are things from my past that weigh on me. Haunt me. That NOT working the steps probably hinders.
But, I'm closer and closer to 3 years sober and my life is actually really good.
Maybe my path is a different way of dealing with those things. Maybe the steps as prescribed aren't always the only way....
Or maybe I'm delaying something that would really help.
One thing I do know; just stopping drinking isn't sobriety. Many... if not most of us.... also struggle with depression, anxiety, other psychological influences. To varying degrees. For some - taking away the alcohol is only the layer that will allow them to seek proper treatment (which may even include medication) for actual, clinical depression. For some - taking away the alcohol is the opening to address those emotional / psychological issues that have long plagued them anyway but were left unaddressed because of addiction.
You're the only one who knows how deeply depression may be impacting you - but if all you're doing is NOT DRINKING and you find yourself struggling with depression, then it probably won't just go away all on its own. Working the steps may really help. But also, consulting with a qualified therapist, speaking with your doctor, taking up an exercise program, including yoga and meditation in your life, and looking honestly at your social support network and what you might do about it if there are gaps - are all actions you can take that many, many others have found help in.
Hang in there, stay sober above all else, and ask yourself "what am I willing to DO today? What new action am I willing to try, in order to continue improving my life"?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
I recall when I was 2 yrs sober and Hurricane
Andrew blew into town and had to stay home
with my 2 little ones while my then husband
was called to help at the plant.
I was scared a bit but knew I had to keep
my babies calm during the storm and take
care of the task at hand. Even blowing
oxygen in our aquarium for our pet fish
when we lost power for quite a few days.
We made it thru those strong winds
and driving rains beating against our
little garden home until the sun came
out the following day once the storm
passed.
As I reflect back on that scary time
in my early sober life, I am sooooo
grateful I was strong and sober enough
to handle what was placed in front of me.
Backing up a bit, I had spent 28 days
in rehab via a family intervention learning
about my addiction and all its affects
on me and those around me. I was in my
early 30's, an at home mom and hanging
on to dear life as I applied all that was
taught to me and incorporating them
in my affairs to the best of my sober ability.
2 yrs for me was just a few drops
of water in the bucket so to speak
and explained to me and had continue
to work thru those 12 steps, learning
how to work thru those character defects
that would keep me sick inside.
However, with many meetings, step
studies, big book meeting which help
me under stand them page by page,
underlining important words and
phrases, they help me see how they
applied to my own life's situations.
I had a lot to understand and learn
over the yrs and I knew recovery
would be a journey of growing,
maturing, becoming honest,
remaining teachable, treating
others with understanding,
forgiveness, letting go of those
harboring resentments that
would weigh physically, mentally,
emotionally heavy on my mind,
soul and body.
2 yrs sober is just the beginning of
life long changes within myself to
work towards being the best sober
person I could and would be down
the road.
Growing pains in recovery does take
its toll from time to time, but what is
so awesome is, I never had nor will
ever have to go thru anything in life
whether good or bad by myself alone
again.
Folks, members, the fellowship within
recovery helped me, held me, guided
me every step of the way to get pass
many of those obstacles in life.
Knowing that many of those folks
I thought were my friends back in
the bars could possibly still be there.
Still drinking, still very sick and that
was a place I cant ever be nor want
to be because with a new recovery
life to live by I now know what is healthier
for me in order to live a successful
sober life for many one days at a time.
I like many enjoy having fun and that
just because im not killing myself with
a toxic substance any longer, life isn't
over.
When my 25 yr marriage ended yrs ago,
I was blessed with a new husband of 7
yrs now, have experienced riding the roads
to Sturgis and Daytona, free, healthy
and happy along with many pretty lovely
tattoos, a comfortable place I can call
home now and a garden of paradise to
enjoy day in a day out peacefully, soberly
with our fine feathered friends and many
pretty flowers.
The bar scene, drinking addiction all
ceased and a new sober way of life filled
with lots of gifts and blessings to enjoy
today is the hope I pass on to many who
feel that life is over once we stopped
drinking.
Like is not over for a long time. It's
just beginning and its happens each
day we remain sober.
Andrew blew into town and had to stay home
with my 2 little ones while my then husband
was called to help at the plant.
I was scared a bit but knew I had to keep
my babies calm during the storm and take
care of the task at hand. Even blowing
oxygen in our aquarium for our pet fish
when we lost power for quite a few days.
We made it thru those strong winds
and driving rains beating against our
little garden home until the sun came
out the following day once the storm
passed.
As I reflect back on that scary time
in my early sober life, I am sooooo
grateful I was strong and sober enough
to handle what was placed in front of me.
Backing up a bit, I had spent 28 days
in rehab via a family intervention learning
about my addiction and all its affects
on me and those around me. I was in my
early 30's, an at home mom and hanging
on to dear life as I applied all that was
taught to me and incorporating them
in my affairs to the best of my sober ability.
2 yrs for me was just a few drops
of water in the bucket so to speak
and explained to me and had continue
to work thru those 12 steps, learning
how to work thru those character defects
that would keep me sick inside.
However, with many meetings, step
studies, big book meeting which help
me under stand them page by page,
underlining important words and
phrases, they help me see how they
applied to my own life's situations.
I had a lot to understand and learn
over the yrs and I knew recovery
would be a journey of growing,
maturing, becoming honest,
remaining teachable, treating
others with understanding,
forgiveness, letting go of those
harboring resentments that
would weigh physically, mentally,
emotionally heavy on my mind,
soul and body.
2 yrs sober is just the beginning of
life long changes within myself to
work towards being the best sober
person I could and would be down
the road.
Growing pains in recovery does take
its toll from time to time, but what is
so awesome is, I never had nor will
ever have to go thru anything in life
whether good or bad by myself alone
again.
Folks, members, the fellowship within
recovery helped me, held me, guided
me every step of the way to get pass
many of those obstacles in life.
Knowing that many of those folks
I thought were my friends back in
the bars could possibly still be there.
Still drinking, still very sick and that
was a place I cant ever be nor want
to be because with a new recovery
life to live by I now know what is healthier
for me in order to live a successful
sober life for many one days at a time.
I like many enjoy having fun and that
just because im not killing myself with
a toxic substance any longer, life isn't
over.
When my 25 yr marriage ended yrs ago,
I was blessed with a new husband of 7
yrs now, have experienced riding the roads
to Sturgis and Daytona, free, healthy
and happy along with many pretty lovely
tattoos, a comfortable place I can call
home now and a garden of paradise to
enjoy day in a day out peacefully, soberly
with our fine feathered friends and many
pretty flowers.
The bar scene, drinking addiction all
ceased and a new sober way of life filled
with lots of gifts and blessings to enjoy
today is the hope I pass on to many who
feel that life is over once we stopped
drinking.
Like is not over for a long time. It's
just beginning and its happens each
day we remain sober.
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
I believe that recovery plans are personal and customized to the needs of the person. I believe that we have to build a toolbox and fill it with whatever helps us with sobriety. I also believe that getting sober is the first step of thousands more leading you forward in a lifelong journey of recovery. First step is easy, you stop putting alcohol in your mouth and swallowing it. The subsequent steps are the ones that are hard. These steps require action and work. These steps lead you to a change in your thinking and behavior. Change has to happen and you have to do the work.
All sorts of structured recovery programs out there. You get to choose. There is no rule that says you can only get sober in AA. Maybe AA is good for you, maybe it is not. It requires work from you to build your toolbox for recovery. If you aren't doing the work, aren't making change then you may be a dry drunk and your inaction is keeping you from moving forward in real recovery.
Maybe start small. You could try and stop glamorizing your drinking days. All you are remembering is the great time you had. Think harder and try to remember the ugly part of those days. Work through your feelings about it. Maybe add a therapist to your toolbox?
You can do this. Just get working.
All sorts of structured recovery programs out there. You get to choose. There is no rule that says you can only get sober in AA. Maybe AA is good for you, maybe it is not. It requires work from you to build your toolbox for recovery. If you aren't doing the work, aren't making change then you may be a dry drunk and your inaction is keeping you from moving forward in real recovery.
Maybe start small. You could try and stop glamorizing your drinking days. All you are remembering is the great time you had. Think harder and try to remember the ugly part of those days. Work through your feelings about it. Maybe add a therapist to your toolbox?
You can do this. Just get working.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Maybe read through 'how it works' p58 - 71 in the Big Book really carefully. I think we all get to the turning point at different times and in different states. For me it was at about 7 months. I'd thought I was dealing with things in my own way as well. Truth was, I simply hadn't been willing to give myself completely to the program. Fear of embarrassment and being judged held me back. In the end, fear of insanity and becoming suicidal took me to the turning point and brought me to the special kind of desperate where I was willing to risk (perceived) humiliation and ask for help. Of course, the poeple in my home group were just happy to see me ready to work on getting better. Okay, so the lady I asked to sponsor me did say that she'd wondered when I was going to ask, but it wasn't said in a gloating way. More in relief.
As a practicing Christian I have found that my step work has really enhanced my spiritual practices and experience both in and out of the church, and I'm far more aware of God in all areas of my life now. I would really recommend having a read or listen to Nadia Bolz-Weber who is a 12-step per in recovery and also a priest.
I wish you all the best for your recovery and hope that your two year sober birthday will mark a turning point where you start to find yourself comfortable and at peace with yourself and your sobriety.
BB
As a practicing Christian I have found that my step work has really enhanced my spiritual practices and experience both in and out of the church, and I'm far more aware of God in all areas of my life now. I would really recommend having a read or listen to Nadia Bolz-Weber who is a 12-step per in recovery and also a priest.
I wish you all the best for your recovery and hope that your two year sober birthday will mark a turning point where you start to find yourself comfortable and at peace with yourself and your sobriety.
BB
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
please dont let embarrassment keep you from working the steps and experiencing the promises in your life.
imo, that embarrassment feeling is pride and ego getting in the way.
just gotta get a lil humility.
imo, that embarrassment feeling is pride and ego getting in the way.
just gotta get a lil humility.
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