Feeling broken after breakup

Old 09-02-2016, 12:59 PM
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Feeling broken after breakup

I'm not sure why I'm posting exactly -- maybe I'm just hoping for some reassurance that things will get better.

I've been in an almost six year relationship with an alcoholic 29 year old man (typically 10-12+ beers a night, sometimes more). Two days ago after a fight, he decided to make our breakup officially by contacting our landlord (and his mother) to announce that we are over and make plans to vacate our apartment. Though we've been on the rocks for months and I should be relieved, I feel desperately abandoned. I think there must be something wrong with me.

I'm not sure why I continue to think that he will change and become this amazing man or that after our breakup, he'll finally be an amazing man for someone else. He's always been selfish and self-absorbed. He's a musician convinced that he will make it big, etc. But in the meantime, he's an Uber driver with significant credit card debt, a car he can't afford and hasn't filed his taxes in two years. Not that it matters, but I'm college educated, attractive and have a stable, well paying job. I'm just not an "artist" like him.

On paper, he doesn't sound like a catch, but I'm struggling not to beg him to give us another chance. It's utterly pathetic, I know. I just hope it gets better fast.
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Old 09-02-2016, 01:06 PM
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Hi there,

Sorry for your pain. Breakups hurt, no matter what the reason is for them.

Let me ask you this. If he weren't alcoholic, if he were just some musician dude you'd met and had been involved with for six years and he decided to call it quits, would you be considering begging him for another chance? I think sometimes we think it's "just" the alcohol problem, and if he would just straighten himself out, we could have this fantastic future together. But if you read around these forums, quitting drinking doesn't solve all the problems--in fact, it's often the beginning of a whole new world of uncertainty and pain.

My suggestion to you is that you accept this man's decision that he does not want to be in this relationship any longer, lick your wounds, feel crappy about being "dumped" for a while, and then work on picking yourself up and building an awesome new life for yourself. One that doesn't involve being chained to an anchor that's weighing you down. By your own accounts you have a lot going for you.

Hugs,
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Old 09-02-2016, 02:37 PM
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gbriezy.....It does get better. It won't always feel like this.
It won't be "fast"...at least as fast as you want it to be. (I am guessing that you want the pain to be gone, like, 2 days ago).
There will be a time when the sun comes out, and, you laugh again without thinking about it....

The pain of separation goes away---but, the pain of staying in a relationship with an alcoholic (who doesn't want recovery) doesn't go away...it just keeps getting worse..

for this moment....go ahead and cry...and set your sights on making it through 24hrs. at a time.....

Keep reading on this site....you will find thousands (yes, thousands!) of stories just like yours!! That may give you so me comfort during this acutely painful time.....
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Old 09-02-2016, 08:26 PM
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Yes, many A's are those "artistic and sensitive broken flowers". But, pragmatically speaking - while they may be fun parners for a "deep" conversation in a coffee shop, they are not good partners in life, active addict is a huge liability (and, from my experience, recovering addict can be the same).

Yes - split hurts, hang in there, it will get better
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Old 09-02-2016, 08:31 PM
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We're here for you gb, and if you can get through this pain your life will become so much more promising. Although you're attached to this man, he wasn't good for you and as hard as it seems now, he made the right decision. He wasn't going to stop drinking; did you really want that in your life for the next xxxx years? Think about the logical outcome of that dynamic.

Have your cry, feel lonely and abandoned, but remember you will start feeling better eventually. Do something good for yourself every day, even if you don't enjoy it at first. If you can keep the future in mind and look after yourself your hard work will pay off. This isn't forever.
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Old 09-02-2016, 11:44 PM
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Gbriezy, I am four months out of a relationship with my XAB, 5 weeks today NC. I found my way here and have been finding comfort in reading these boards for a for a few weeks now. Your post struck a major chord with me. How many nights I have sat up thinking, "If he would JUST stop...". "What did I do to make him change his mind about me?" "He's a mess, why doesn't he want me..." I can't decide if I feel worse for my brain going in circles trying to untangle and settle the unanswered questions resulting from him abruptly vaporizing into thin air and never looking back, or my severely bruised heart. This is the third XAB that I have had and I can tell you I am finally awake and see the common denominator; I'm working to get the support I need and change my behavior. As lonely as it is, I'm handing this breakup head on; not dulling it with food, constantly going out drinking, distracting myself with someone else, etc. I've been trying to eat healthy, get sleep, not overcommit, save money and take care of myself. I'm still sad in a big way. I still miss him almost every day. But I will tell you that I would take those feelings any day over being constantly disappointed by the person I love the most. Wondering if he is going to come home, stand me up for dinner, drive home blacked out, respond to me, wake up in the morning after hitting his head in a drunken stupor... I don't miss "that guy", in fact I hate him. As much as I love and miss the sober version of my XAB, I resent "that guy" ten times more. And I don't want to feel that way for the rest of my life, that's a lot of pain and uncertainty to carry around and forever is a long time. It feels like the hurt will never go away, that the feeling of paralyzing fear of running into him in our small town will be my reality going forward. It took me quite some time to get over his predecessor, XAB #2, but I got there. So I have to hold on to the hope that eventually I will come out the other side of this as well; hopefully stronger and having learned how to avoid repeating this pattern yet again. Until then I will come here and participate with the kindred hearted people on these boards, continue to try to make healthy choices for myself, and allow the hurt to be there until it's ready to go. I hope you're feeling a little better this evening, and I hope that you find what you need from these posts. 💗
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Old 09-03-2016, 06:37 AM
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Thank you for your responses. I know he did me a favor by ending it. I have to believe that some day I'm capable of finding a guy who at least some of the time, puts my needs first. Someone who cares about their own health. Someone who wants to go out into the world with me rather than drinking himself into a stupor every night with his guitar.

And if I'm honest with myself, I don't like the person I've become over the last six years. I've become bitter and resentful. I've said the most horrible things to someone I love out of complete and utter despair, frustration and anger. It's become a horrible cycle of guilt.

I need to be alone for a while. He's moving out of our apartment by the end of the month (I've been staying at my parents). I'm scared to live alone and to hear so much silence. I don't know what I'll do with myself because so much of me has been dedicated to him. But when I really think about it, so little of him has been dedicated to me over the years. I have no idea how all of these years have past me by.
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Old 09-03-2016, 06:49 AM
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Originally Posted by gbriezy View Post
Thank you for your responses. I know he did me a favor by ending it. I have to believe that some day I'm capable of finding a guy who at least some of the time, puts my needs first. Someone who cares about their own health. Someone who wants to go out into the world with me rather than drinking himself into a stupor every night with his guitar.

And if I'm honest with myself, I don't like the person I've become over the last six years. I've become bitter and resentful. I've said the most horrible things to someone I love out of complete and utter despair, frustration and anger. It's become a horrible cycle of guilt.

I need to be alone for a while. He's moving out of our apartment by the end of the month (I've been staying at my parents). I'm scared to live alone and to hear so much silence. I don't know what I'll do with myself because so much of me has been dedicated to him. But when I really think about it, so little of him has been dedicated to me over the years. I have no idea how all of these years have past me by.
I have so been there - feeling guilty because of the terrible things said out of frustration. With time you will learn how to have compassion for and forgive yourself! You will come to enjoy the silence and listening to your inner voice. You will become more and more grateful that you have been given another chance at life! The fog will lift, you will get through this!

My exA left in March and I felt pretty much the same as you. It gets so much better, keep going. There is so much amazing support here so come here when you feel tired. This place had a big impact in my own recovery.
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Old 09-03-2016, 07:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Expanding View Post
I have so been there - feeling guilty because of the terrible things said out of frustration. With time you will learn how to have compassion for and forgive yourself! You will come to enjoy the silence and listening to your inner voice. You will become more and more grateful that you have been given another chance at life! The fog will lift, you will get through this!
I feel like my whole relationship has been a cycle of me saying the most horrible things to him out of anger and then spending all my energy trying to make it up to him and show how much I do love him. That's all I can think about right now...the guilt. He left because I wasn't as loving as I should have been. I called him last night and he said he didn't want to talk and it's over. I hate myself for being so weak when he's found strength in the break up all of the sudden.
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Old 09-03-2016, 08:06 AM
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gbriezy......Don't you think that a relationship is a 2-way street?
Support and respect has to be reciprocal in a healthy relationship.....

from what I can see....you have been on a one lane, unpaved road for a long time....

I think you tried to do what could not be done.....
Like, you tried to knock down a brick wall by banging your head against it....

An addict lives in a world seen through a different filter than you. A self centered person looks at the world through a different filter than you do.
They protect themselves--their own ego needs and their ability to drink without interference, at all costs!!!

You got in the way of all that...and, as a result, a lot of damage has been done to you. You tried to solve it in the only way you knew...and, almost lost yourself in the process.

Begin to challenge your own sense of "guilt". Feeling excessive guilt will prolong your own recovery...as it serves no constructive purpose. You didn't TRY to hurt him....you just tried to protect yourself in a way that was destined to never, never, ever work!

You need to heal and get this behind you...eventually...

By the way...it wasn't strength that he showed///it was fleeing to protect his own ability to function the way he always has...without your interference....

In a way, he has "accidently" done what you were not able to do....He has opened the prison doors for you!!!!!!!!!!!

In about 10yrs.....remember to send him a Thank You note.....
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Old 09-03-2016, 08:19 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
gbriezy......Don't you think that a relationship is a 2-way street?
Support and respect has to be reciprocal in a healthy relationship.....

from what I can see....you have been on a one lane, unpaved road for a long time....

I think you tried to do what could not be done.....
Like, you tried to knock down a brick wall by banging your head against it....

An addict lives in a world seen through a different filter than you. A self centered person looks at the world through a different filter than you do.
They protect themselves--their own ego needs and their ability to drink without interference, at all costs!!!

You got in the way of all that...and, as a result, a lot of damage has been done to you. You tried to solve it in the only way you knew...and, almost lost yourself in the process.

Begin to challenge your own sense of "guilt". Feeling excessive guilt will prolong your own recovery...as it serves no constructive purpose. You didn't TRY to hurt him....you just tried to protect yourself in a way that was destined to never, never, ever work!

You need to heal and get this behind you...eventually...

By the way...it wasn't strength that he showed///it was fleeing to protect his own ability to function the way he always has...without your interference....

In a way, he has "accidently" done what you were not able to do....He has opened the prison doors for you!!!!!!!!!!!

In about 10yrs.....remember to send him a Thank You note.....
Thank you so much for this response. I'll be re-reading it a lot. I'm so glad I found this forum.
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Old 09-03-2016, 08:26 AM
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gbriezy...it has been said that the curtains cannot be pulled back on reality, without some pain.
I can assure you that it won't always feel like this!
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Old 09-03-2016, 08:30 AM
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You can't love someone to health, no matter how hard you try. Love does NOT conquer all.

He didn't leave because "you weren't as loving as you should have been." He left because you get in the way of his addiction. That's all that matters to him now.

You feeling guilty is like pouring a tea cup in the ocean...it didn't matter then, it doesn't matter now.

Please focus on yourself and finding your way to a better life.
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Old 09-03-2016, 09:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain View Post
You can't love someone to health, no matter how hard you try. Love does NOT conquer all.
You're right. And the truth is, there were so many other addiction related health issues beyond alcohol. A pack and a half of cigarettes a day, weed throught the day and near debilitating asthma. There have been too many nights to count where he'd wake up at 3am panicking to find his inhaler and I'd think that I'd need to rush him to the hospital. Or simply worried he'd be too drunk to wake up when he couldn't breath. Too many nights I'd have trouble sleeping wondering if he'd drunkenly fall down our steep back steps and break his neck trying to smoke another cigarette.
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Old 09-03-2016, 09:11 AM
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When I re-read what I've written I can't believe I'm still struggling not to rush back to our apartment and beg him to give us another chance. I'd make promises to change without even asking anything of him. I care about myself that little.
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Old 09-03-2016, 09:16 AM
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Oh, My, gbrezie....that is sooo much worry and fear for you to live with.
Yet, it is all sooo familiar to most of us, here.....
These are the very things that your friends and family don't have any idea about...because they don't live in your skin.....
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Old 09-03-2016, 09:23 AM
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gbriezy....you will gain yourself back.
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Old 09-03-2016, 01:10 PM
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I know it doesn't seem so now, but your bf has given you a great gift: life without a self-absorbed alcohol-dependent person. Take it and run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.
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Old 09-04-2016, 06:10 AM
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It might have happened differently than I'm reading, but to make a breakup final by calling your landlord and his mother to "announce" it instead of looking in your eyes and having a calm honest conversation with YOU--says that he is NOT a catch, alcohol or no...you deserve so much better from a partner.

One thing that helped me was to think about all the ways I had changed my standards when I was with him and how little I expected from him in the end just to hang on. I deserved so much more...

It will get better.
And you deserve much better.
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Old 09-04-2016, 06:23 AM
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When I was 27 my now xAH, and then A boyfriend (who I did not realize was an A) who I had been dating for 5 years and believed at the time I was madly in love with (bc of his dark, artist, philosopher side and the potential I saw in him), ended things with me...

I was DEVASTATED.

But I had friends around me (and we lived many hours apart) and I was forced to stay social and spend time with friends etc...

I started dating a friend, someone lovely I taught with and he was a gem (and nice to me at that time ='d boring).

x BF would call now and then and the LESS interested I was in him, and the happier I was with my own life apart from him, the more he wanted to get back together...

The happiest time of my life was when I was not with him during the 6 month break we had...

I stupidly did go back to him, got married, had kids and divorced him after a prolonged, abusive, horrible battle....

My point in this story is that his ending this relationship, is a gift to you-- it does not feel that way now, it hurts, you feel abandoned, broken, conflicted etc...

I get it... All too well.

When you are inclined to call him, call someone else, post here, text a friend.

Please do not do what I did and start a new life and get your head together after years with an addict and then when he sees you are stronger, he sucks you back in.

Can you possibly change your number or block his so that there is NO chance for on going contact?

I feel, reading your post, that I am reading what I could have written nearly 20 yrs ago...

I wish I had had a resource like this to keep me from diving back into the addict chaos after our break up...

Hang in there and post often! We are here for you!
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