Weak and lonely again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Weak and lonely again
Just last week I was on top of the world. So happy to be nearing the finish line- almost free of my AH.
But things are getting so difficult. I'm going to school and homeschooling my kids. I did this last year with great success, but they're in first grade now. So much to teach. And Chemistry 8A seems worlds more difficult than 3A. I'm drowning. I know, I know, I could put them in public school. But I'd like to think the fact that I am the only one who helps them in their education (their father has never so much as even read a book to them) and that they're testing so far ahead will someday have a bearing on which parent they should be spending the most time with. I don't know why- it didn't mean anything to the mediator, who recommended 50/50.
And I know, there are moms who work full time and go to school and raise kids, and they hold it all together. But I'm not. I'm not getting this material. I was a straight A student before, and now I'm almost certain I'm going to fail my first test.
So my days are just study, study, study, teach the kids, clean the house, make dinner, study, study. Rarely is there much time for fun. Meanwhile, they go to their dads, who lives on disability. His mom has freaking lakefront property and their cousin, who is pretty much their best friend, lives right next door. It's Disneyland. Not to mention the fact that dad lets them eat whatever they want, play videogames late into the night- fun, fun, fun!
And then he tells them that this divorce is all my doing, he loves me and wanted it to work. And I'm legally not allowed to tell them anything that might "make the children love the other parent less"- what does that even mean? Why can't I tell them that he's a lying SOB that stole my identity, drained me financially, even got me involved (unknowingly) in a bunch of schemes that could have landed me in jail? Why can't I tell them that he was f***ing the mail lady, who then had the gall to send in a letter of recommendation to the court about how he should have full custody (when she's never even met me!) Or about the minors he was chatting up online? How dare he say this is all me and paint me as the villain!
He's poisoning our kids minds. They're so different with me now. It breaks my heart! Why does this all have to look like my fault, and why do I have to be the one to suffer while he gets to live his vacation lifestyle?
I'm just so miserable, and so angry that I let myself be bullied into agreeing to 50/50. I have a terrible lawyer who didn't fight hard enough for me. This man is an addict, he's mentally unstable, and he's never lifted a finger for the kids. But now he gets to see them half the time, and still I'm the one doing all the heavy lifting.
How can I make my kids understand, without violating this stupid prohibition of freedom of speech? Why does he get to do whatever the f*** he wants all the time? When will I find a man who is NOT like this and how will I ever be able to trust again?
And I hate chemistry!
But things are getting so difficult. I'm going to school and homeschooling my kids. I did this last year with great success, but they're in first grade now. So much to teach. And Chemistry 8A seems worlds more difficult than 3A. I'm drowning. I know, I know, I could put them in public school. But I'd like to think the fact that I am the only one who helps them in their education (their father has never so much as even read a book to them) and that they're testing so far ahead will someday have a bearing on which parent they should be spending the most time with. I don't know why- it didn't mean anything to the mediator, who recommended 50/50.
And I know, there are moms who work full time and go to school and raise kids, and they hold it all together. But I'm not. I'm not getting this material. I was a straight A student before, and now I'm almost certain I'm going to fail my first test.
So my days are just study, study, study, teach the kids, clean the house, make dinner, study, study. Rarely is there much time for fun. Meanwhile, they go to their dads, who lives on disability. His mom has freaking lakefront property and their cousin, who is pretty much their best friend, lives right next door. It's Disneyland. Not to mention the fact that dad lets them eat whatever they want, play videogames late into the night- fun, fun, fun!
And then he tells them that this divorce is all my doing, he loves me and wanted it to work. And I'm legally not allowed to tell them anything that might "make the children love the other parent less"- what does that even mean? Why can't I tell them that he's a lying SOB that stole my identity, drained me financially, even got me involved (unknowingly) in a bunch of schemes that could have landed me in jail? Why can't I tell them that he was f***ing the mail lady, who then had the gall to send in a letter of recommendation to the court about how he should have full custody (when she's never even met me!) Or about the minors he was chatting up online? How dare he say this is all me and paint me as the villain!
He's poisoning our kids minds. They're so different with me now. It breaks my heart! Why does this all have to look like my fault, and why do I have to be the one to suffer while he gets to live his vacation lifestyle?
I'm just so miserable, and so angry that I let myself be bullied into agreeing to 50/50. I have a terrible lawyer who didn't fight hard enough for me. This man is an addict, he's mentally unstable, and he's never lifted a finger for the kids. But now he gets to see them half the time, and still I'm the one doing all the heavy lifting.
How can I make my kids understand, without violating this stupid prohibition of freedom of speech? Why does he get to do whatever the f*** he wants all the time? When will I find a man who is NOT like this and how will I ever be able to trust again?
And I hate chemistry!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Wow, Hechos, you DO have a lot going on.
I don't know you, but I am going to venture an opinion here, I hope it is helpful.
I think you ARE capable of all the schoolwork, including chemistry. I read a lot of resentment in your post, and believe this is dragging you down. I am sure most of it is justified, but you need to get rid of it anyway.
Just keep being the wonderful mother you are, and things will turn out all right. You are better than the mud your ex is feeding the kids. They will come to see the truth as his life goes on a downward spiral. Incidentally, for him to foist adult issues on little kids is a form of abuse. Perhaps there is a legal remedy for this if it continues. Maybe full custody for you.
Hang in there, and keep doing the next right thing.
I don't know you, but I am going to venture an opinion here, I hope it is helpful.
I think you ARE capable of all the schoolwork, including chemistry. I read a lot of resentment in your post, and believe this is dragging you down. I am sure most of it is justified, but you need to get rid of it anyway.
Just keep being the wonderful mother you are, and things will turn out all right. You are better than the mud your ex is feeding the kids. They will come to see the truth as his life goes on a downward spiral. Incidentally, for him to foist adult issues on little kids is a form of abuse. Perhaps there is a legal remedy for this if it continues. Maybe full custody for you.
Hang in there, and keep doing the next right thing.
Last edited by Eauchiche; 09-02-2016 at 06:18 AM. Reason: typo
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
How can I make my kids understand, without violating this stupid prohibition of freedom of speech? Why does he get to do whatever the f*** he wants all the time? When will I find a man who is NOT like this and how will I ever be able to trust again? ***
When I got divorced, my ex painted me out to be the worst. Forget that he was beating on me and cheating with a girl who wasn't even 21. (our son was 10). I tried really hard not to stoop to his level. There were so many times I got to hear how great dad was it made me sick. People would tell me that kids are smart and that he'd know. And he didnt for a long time. Till after he was an adult. Now, he hasn't had contact with his father for years by his choice. (much healthier!) I thought it was all behind us, but he actually a few months ago, out of the blue asked some questions about things that had gone on back then. Which I answered as clear as possible.
Eventually, your kids WILL know. No matter what you don't say to them. Maybe not the details, but the core essence of who EXACTLY their father is. Hard when they are putting him on the pedestal and your busting your ass to hold it all together and take care of them and play all roles.
You have a lot on your plate. It will get better than where you are now. Promise you that! Keep on your path.
As far as finding a man to trust... after my divorce I was so so jaded. A few years went by and I pushed myself to go back out dating, because I thought I should. A couple years of that I gave up and decided I didn't need it. When I stopped looking I found the man I have been with for the past 10 years. Someone who made me WANT to believe it was possible again.
Right now, the most important person to trust is YOU.
When I got divorced, my ex painted me out to be the worst. Forget that he was beating on me and cheating with a girl who wasn't even 21. (our son was 10). I tried really hard not to stoop to his level. There were so many times I got to hear how great dad was it made me sick. People would tell me that kids are smart and that he'd know. And he didnt for a long time. Till after he was an adult. Now, he hasn't had contact with his father for years by his choice. (much healthier!) I thought it was all behind us, but he actually a few months ago, out of the blue asked some questions about things that had gone on back then. Which I answered as clear as possible.
Eventually, your kids WILL know. No matter what you don't say to them. Maybe not the details, but the core essence of who EXACTLY their father is. Hard when they are putting him on the pedestal and your busting your ass to hold it all together and take care of them and play all roles.
You have a lot on your plate. It will get better than where you are now. Promise you that! Keep on your path.
As far as finding a man to trust... after my divorce I was so so jaded. A few years went by and I pushed myself to go back out dating, because I thought I should. A couple years of that I gave up and decided I didn't need it. When I stopped looking I found the man I have been with for the past 10 years. Someone who made me WANT to believe it was possible again.
Right now, the most important person to trust is YOU.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I always sucked at any kind of "practical" class. The STEM subjects were the bane of my existence throughout school, so I totally feel you about the chem class. Any chance you could get a study buddy in the class? That's how I passed math and science classes when I couldn't avoid them. I'd find someone who was brilliant in those subjects but not so good in language and literature, so we'd do a tutoring exchange of sorts. I help them with lit or French and they help me with geometry or whatever. Just a thought.
As for your ex, I totally get that too. During our custody fight mine put on the whole Superdad act as well. It made me want to set his genitals on fire and douse the flames with acid- or would you use a base for that? Sorry, poor taste chemistry joke there. I might still have some teensy issues with resentment. But yeah, that crap was almost worse than when we lived together and he was drunk and disconnected from life half the time. Fortunately it's not sustainable in the long term for someone as deeply selfish and self-centered as an addict.
The "good" news, which is still pretty crappy, is that once he got everything he wanted- extra long summer visit, two holidays in a row, etc.- he basically bailed after a couple weeks of the summer visit. It was supposed to be nine, but the new wife resented having our son there and she and her daughters let DS know it. Ex, being the spineless creature he is, got sick of having to be sober and caved in to his wife. So DS spent the rest of the visit with his grandparents and has had no contact with his dad since July. DS actually said, "Yayyy!" when I told him he didn't have to go back to his dad's So, hooray, I guess.
He also took me back to court trying to get his child support obligation terminated. Told the mediator that he didn't think he should have to pay cs because he doesn't want to pay it. The mediator laughed him out of the room and asked me if I wanted to have it raised. I said no, but she gave a recommendation for an almost quadruple increase in the event that I want to push for that in the future. For now I am holding it as my trump card in case he has another attack of stupidity.
This stuff has a way of working out, but it's really hard to see that pinpoint of light when the darkness is all around you. Sending a giant hug your way. Keep the faith and stay strong, we are here for you.
ETA: As for dating, I waited for three years to even try to start dating again. I've actually been seeing someone since February and it's working well. We're taking things slowly and he just met DS a few weeks ago. He's a normie and a gentleman (and he's employed!). I sometimes can't believe how little I settled for with my ex, I was truly feasting on crumbs with him. During the downtime (my self-imposed celibacy) I was in counseling and working my recovery in Alanon. My ex was married within 6 months of me leaving and that did sting, but I think I probably got the better end of the bargain there.
As for your ex, I totally get that too. During our custody fight mine put on the whole Superdad act as well. It made me want to set his genitals on fire and douse the flames with acid- or would you use a base for that? Sorry, poor taste chemistry joke there. I might still have some teensy issues with resentment. But yeah, that crap was almost worse than when we lived together and he was drunk and disconnected from life half the time. Fortunately it's not sustainable in the long term for someone as deeply selfish and self-centered as an addict.
The "good" news, which is still pretty crappy, is that once he got everything he wanted- extra long summer visit, two holidays in a row, etc.- he basically bailed after a couple weeks of the summer visit. It was supposed to be nine, but the new wife resented having our son there and she and her daughters let DS know it. Ex, being the spineless creature he is, got sick of having to be sober and caved in to his wife. So DS spent the rest of the visit with his grandparents and has had no contact with his dad since July. DS actually said, "Yayyy!" when I told him he didn't have to go back to his dad's So, hooray, I guess.
He also took me back to court trying to get his child support obligation terminated. Told the mediator that he didn't think he should have to pay cs because he doesn't want to pay it. The mediator laughed him out of the room and asked me if I wanted to have it raised. I said no, but she gave a recommendation for an almost quadruple increase in the event that I want to push for that in the future. For now I am holding it as my trump card in case he has another attack of stupidity.
This stuff has a way of working out, but it's really hard to see that pinpoint of light when the darkness is all around you. Sending a giant hug your way. Keep the faith and stay strong, we are here for you.
ETA: As for dating, I waited for three years to even try to start dating again. I've actually been seeing someone since February and it's working well. We're taking things slowly and he just met DS a few weeks ago. He's a normie and a gentleman (and he's employed!). I sometimes can't believe how little I settled for with my ex, I was truly feasting on crumbs with him. During the downtime (my self-imposed celibacy) I was in counseling and working my recovery in Alanon. My ex was married within 6 months of me leaving and that did sting, but I think I probably got the better end of the bargain there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Wow, Ladyscribbler. 6 months after- that would hurt. And I have a feeling my AH will do the same. Someone has to do his laundry!
I know I need to put off dating. It's just so hard. And there's this man at my church who is really coming on strong. At first, I thought he was the opposite of my AH. He seems so put together and he's the usher at our church. But then I saw his LinkedIn account and he's been job hopping for the last 10 years- and there's no info to show from before that time (he's 56... I think that's pretty suspicious!) And when he talks about why his marriage collapsed you can just tell he's so full of BS- saying his wife was greedy and would spend his entire paycheck on herself... yet when I pushed for more information it came out that she was the one who was working while he collected unemployment! Oh, I really do need to stay away from him. And all men for a while!
I know I need to put off dating. It's just so hard. And there's this man at my church who is really coming on strong. At first, I thought he was the opposite of my AH. He seems so put together and he's the usher at our church. But then I saw his LinkedIn account and he's been job hopping for the last 10 years- and there's no info to show from before that time (he's 56... I think that's pretty suspicious!) And when he talks about why his marriage collapsed you can just tell he's so full of BS- saying his wife was greedy and would spend his entire paycheck on herself... yet when I pushed for more information it came out that she was the one who was working while he collected unemployment! Oh, I really do need to stay away from him. And all men for a while!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Nice catch on the man from the church, your ability to see clearly that he was not what he presents himself to be is a sign of your clarity and ability to spot the red flags. Well done.
I know this is hard for you, and it will take time to work through it, but you sound very much on the right track and your children are blessed to have you for a mother.
Hugs
I know this is hard for you, and it will take time to work through it, but you sound very much on the right track and your children are blessed to have you for a mother.
Hugs
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