Why I am the way I am
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Why I am the way I am
They say who you are today is deeply rooted in your upbringing/childhood. So I have been doing a lot of self-searching to find out why I am the way I am. In other words, why I let people (i.e. AH) manipulate me, use me, play me, while I constantly feel the need to help/see him as a helpless human being. Why do I give so much of myself? Not just to him, but everyone who "needs" me....
It has taken a lot of time for me to figure out what in my childhood could have instilled these "characteristics" in me. I had a great upbringing. My parents are still married, both worked hard, did well for themselves, and I never wanted for anything. My mom cooked, cleaned, worked hard in her career (still does all of these things), while my dad did the heavy tasks around the house, lawn care, played Mr. fix it, while also advancing in his career (still does all of these things). They set great examples of hard work, and a strong family life. Holidays were great, birthdays always had a celebration, and there was a lot of laughter in my childhood. So, why did I turn out to be, lets be blunt, a door mat codependent who can't seem to say "no."
Then I thought about the not so great memories. The memories of sadness/tears at a young age. It is difficult for me to remember specifically what was making me cry at times, but I do remember instances where I believed I wasn't wanted. I remember as a young girl (maybe 9-10) writing a note to my parents including "If you don't want me, why don't you put me up for adoption?" (please forgive my adolescent ignorance). I do not know what my parents may have said/done to make me feel this way at that age. I remember thoughts of my parents loving my older sister more than me (I still struggle with these thoughts). I remember going through a period of researching eating disorders, and being pretty obsessed with working out/not eating much. I can't forget the period of depression and anxiety that I could not seem to get past in high school. I remember the ER visit resulting in a diagnosis of anxiety attacks and prescription of anxiety meds. I just remember being quite emotionally affected by things. I took things personally, and they seemed to affect me more than the average person. I remember being the pretty girl in school as I got older, and getting attention from boys. I remember finding much of my identity in this, and feeling the need to look good/attractive. And then came along my high school sweetheart, whom I later married. This is my AH.
So, I thought a little harder, and realized... My family never said "I love you." I never told my parents "I love you," and I do not remember being told that. To this day, we maybe say "love ya" which is still very forced and uncomfortable. We cannot look each other in the eye while saying it. How dumb of me to be so affected because these three words weren't passed around. But, maybe I needed that confirmation. Maybe I seek that confirmation elsewhere, in unhealthy ways. I sought confirmation of my parents loving me. I wanted confirmation that I was loved as much as my siblings. When high school relationships were rocky, I was affected so heavily that I needed medication. I wasn't getting validation out of those relationships that I was good enough. I sought validation through staying fit/thin to the point of not allowing myself to eat much. Then, AH came along during the time I was most confused in all of this - high school. We broke up a few times, could not stay apart, and wound up back together. Stayed together into adulthood, then married young.
Fast forward to the past year. AH came out about his addiction (which was a few years in the making at this point). This was followed by continued use on his end, and continued codependency on mine. Not only did I think we would be different and I could guide him to the light, but I also allowed him to call the shots so he would be happy and comfortable during the process.
As we all know, him calling the shots simply resulted in prolonging his active drug use... I encouraged, but I also facilitated this bad behavior. I thought I was helping by bailing him out time and time again. Keeping him from withdrawal and thus keeping him from hurting. He was, afterall, so emotionally damaged from his upbringing that he wound up in active addiction in the first place. That was my thinking. I believed the lies. I did not allow myself to stand up for me, because I wasn't the one hurting (yeah right).
So, how does my childhood tie in with my marriage relationship? Well, I did not want my AH to get mad at me or turn on me, so I stayed out of the way instead of speaking up. I did not want confrontation - because that would mean he was mad at me, which would oftentimes lead to the silent treatment, which I just could not take. Silent treatment = I'm unloved. Him happy with me = him telling me how much he loved me. I wanted so badly to look the other way while the problem fixed itself so I could come back to a marriage where I was so loved and validated that I felt good about myself. In reality, though, I was his doormat. And he knew it. The only person I could seem to defend and stand up for was him. I could be emotionally beaten into a pulp, but in my mind he was the damaged and hurt one who NEEDED me. So, I was fulfilling my purpose. And, thus, feeling loved.
My eyes are opened. It has come full circle from childhood into adulthood.
It has taken a lot of time for me to figure out what in my childhood could have instilled these "characteristics" in me. I had a great upbringing. My parents are still married, both worked hard, did well for themselves, and I never wanted for anything. My mom cooked, cleaned, worked hard in her career (still does all of these things), while my dad did the heavy tasks around the house, lawn care, played Mr. fix it, while also advancing in his career (still does all of these things). They set great examples of hard work, and a strong family life. Holidays were great, birthdays always had a celebration, and there was a lot of laughter in my childhood. So, why did I turn out to be, lets be blunt, a door mat codependent who can't seem to say "no."
Then I thought about the not so great memories. The memories of sadness/tears at a young age. It is difficult for me to remember specifically what was making me cry at times, but I do remember instances where I believed I wasn't wanted. I remember as a young girl (maybe 9-10) writing a note to my parents including "If you don't want me, why don't you put me up for adoption?" (please forgive my adolescent ignorance). I do not know what my parents may have said/done to make me feel this way at that age. I remember thoughts of my parents loving my older sister more than me (I still struggle with these thoughts). I remember going through a period of researching eating disorders, and being pretty obsessed with working out/not eating much. I can't forget the period of depression and anxiety that I could not seem to get past in high school. I remember the ER visit resulting in a diagnosis of anxiety attacks and prescription of anxiety meds. I just remember being quite emotionally affected by things. I took things personally, and they seemed to affect me more than the average person. I remember being the pretty girl in school as I got older, and getting attention from boys. I remember finding much of my identity in this, and feeling the need to look good/attractive. And then came along my high school sweetheart, whom I later married. This is my AH.
So, I thought a little harder, and realized... My family never said "I love you." I never told my parents "I love you," and I do not remember being told that. To this day, we maybe say "love ya" which is still very forced and uncomfortable. We cannot look each other in the eye while saying it. How dumb of me to be so affected because these three words weren't passed around. But, maybe I needed that confirmation. Maybe I seek that confirmation elsewhere, in unhealthy ways. I sought confirmation of my parents loving me. I wanted confirmation that I was loved as much as my siblings. When high school relationships were rocky, I was affected so heavily that I needed medication. I wasn't getting validation out of those relationships that I was good enough. I sought validation through staying fit/thin to the point of not allowing myself to eat much. Then, AH came along during the time I was most confused in all of this - high school. We broke up a few times, could not stay apart, and wound up back together. Stayed together into adulthood, then married young.
Fast forward to the past year. AH came out about his addiction (which was a few years in the making at this point). This was followed by continued use on his end, and continued codependency on mine. Not only did I think we would be different and I could guide him to the light, but I also allowed him to call the shots so he would be happy and comfortable during the process.
As we all know, him calling the shots simply resulted in prolonging his active drug use... I encouraged, but I also facilitated this bad behavior. I thought I was helping by bailing him out time and time again. Keeping him from withdrawal and thus keeping him from hurting. He was, afterall, so emotionally damaged from his upbringing that he wound up in active addiction in the first place. That was my thinking. I believed the lies. I did not allow myself to stand up for me, because I wasn't the one hurting (yeah right).So, how does my childhood tie in with my marriage relationship? Well, I did not want my AH to get mad at me or turn on me, so I stayed out of the way instead of speaking up. I did not want confrontation - because that would mean he was mad at me, which would oftentimes lead to the silent treatment, which I just could not take. Silent treatment = I'm unloved. Him happy with me = him telling me how much he loved me. I wanted so badly to look the other way while the problem fixed itself so I could come back to a marriage where I was so loved and validated that I felt good about myself. In reality, though, I was his doormat. And he knew it. The only person I could seem to defend and stand up for was him. I could be emotionally beaten into a pulp, but in my mind he was the damaged and hurt one who NEEDED me. So, I was fulfilling my purpose. And, thus, feeling loved.
My eyes are opened. It has come full circle from childhood into adulthood.
Last edited by hope778; 08-31-2016 at 01:51 PM. Reason: add a thought
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
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I too thank you for sharing that, Hope.
Looking back to our childhoods often helps us figure out why we are who we are today. It sounds easy but it's not. It is deep and painful sometimes, but in the end therapeutic and helpful.
Looking back to our childhoods often helps us figure out why we are who we are today. It sounds easy but it's not. It is deep and painful sometimes, but in the end therapeutic and helpful.
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My parents aren't "I love you" types at all. They can write it in birthday and Christmas cards, but saying it out loud makes them really uncomfortable. I think at the age they are now, this isn't going to change, and is a result of the homes in which they, themselves, were raised.
I guess I'm fortunate in that I know that they love me by their actions toward me. Even if it isn't a perfect love, and they aren't perfectly capable of expressing it, I know it is felt by them.
I am sorry that you were so impacted by your upbringing and hope that this recent insight of yours will help you going forward! Sending hugs!!!
I guess I'm fortunate in that I know that they love me by their actions toward me. Even if it isn't a perfect love, and they aren't perfectly capable of expressing it, I know it is felt by them.
I am sorry that you were so impacted by your upbringing and hope that this recent insight of yours will help you going forward! Sending hugs!!!
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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Seren - You get it! But, for me, even birthday/Christmas cards say "love ya." Its strange... I tell my grandmother, my husband, and my son "I love you" with no hesitation. But if my mom tells me "love ya" as I am walking out of the door, I can barely utter "love ya" back. Very strange... Almost awkward.
As you said, I know they love me, and I know they would step in and help me if I ever needed. There is sometimes a sense of that being held over my head, though, (i.e. needing help financially, with my son, etc), so maybe that it why it is difficult for me to accept that they love me and that I love them.... Hmm. Maybe their love feels slightly conditional...
As you said, I know they love me, and I know they would step in and help me if I ever needed. There is sometimes a sense of that being held over my head, though, (i.e. needing help financially, with my son, etc), so maybe that it why it is difficult for me to accept that they love me and that I love them.... Hmm. Maybe their love feels slightly conditional...
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
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I could see my own life in your words and it was almost scary for me. I lost my dad when I was a teenager and my mom is loving but in a harsh way. I also have a brother who is Alcoholic. My mom worked nights and even from a young age I have been the "care taker" so to speak.
For me I managed to have a couple semi normal relationships but my sickness really bloomed when I met my husband. I was intrigued by this fragile man. He had been married and divorced twice, to prison twice, and the myriad of other issues and baggage that is attached to addiction. All the while I was seeing this person that had such a sad life and I was going to be the one to fix it and help him be happy. So what happened was for the next several years he used and I developed a very bad drinking problem which I also just put on the back burner because I had to take care of my "patient" .
Eight years later, I have been sober the last four, he is still broken and despite my best efforts is not fixed. And now the real trouble is I too am in need of repair so I now have to choose because I now have to fix me. But I am hopeful because I know that I can do the work and use the tools I have to help myself heal. I know that the help that I have given over the years have done exactly what you stated in prolonging both of our misery. So I need to heal and let him do whatever it is that he is going to do.
We are currently on a countdown to a long term rehab and the promises and sweet talk has started. AH has lied so many times that I know I am the foolish one to even listen to him, but deep down I still want to belive that this time will be different.
But I know that for today, I have to belive what I can see. And this time might be different but only if something is actually done differently. Hang in there, it will get better. I belive that will all of my being.
For me I managed to have a couple semi normal relationships but my sickness really bloomed when I met my husband. I was intrigued by this fragile man. He had been married and divorced twice, to prison twice, and the myriad of other issues and baggage that is attached to addiction. All the while I was seeing this person that had such a sad life and I was going to be the one to fix it and help him be happy. So what happened was for the next several years he used and I developed a very bad drinking problem which I also just put on the back burner because I had to take care of my "patient" .
Eight years later, I have been sober the last four, he is still broken and despite my best efforts is not fixed. And now the real trouble is I too am in need of repair so I now have to choose because I now have to fix me. But I am hopeful because I know that I can do the work and use the tools I have to help myself heal. I know that the help that I have given over the years have done exactly what you stated in prolonging both of our misery. So I need to heal and let him do whatever it is that he is going to do.
We are currently on a countdown to a long term rehab and the promises and sweet talk has started. AH has lied so many times that I know I am the foolish one to even listen to him, but deep down I still want to belive that this time will be different.
But I know that for today, I have to belive what I can see. And this time might be different but only if something is actually done differently. Hang in there, it will get better. I belive that will all of my being.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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Peacelovesober - I understand what you mean about being intrigued by fragility. I don't know what it is, but I seem to be attracted to the "outliers" of society, so to speak. I am intrigued by their broken stories, and want to (for some reason??) be a part of it and become a piece of it. I have a giving spirit, I want to help. And I end up giving so much of myself that sometimes no one is helped in the process. Sounds like that may have happened with you - you trying to save him lead to your own temporary demise. I am so glad you have found recovery, though.
I wish you both well!
I wish you both well!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Yes you said it. Me trying to save him led to my demise. He is currently still here. I meet with an attorney next week about how to start the divorce but I am not exactly in a position to pay a large retainer so we will see how that goes.
I am glad that I have found recovery, that is the only way that I have any sanity at all. Living in a home with an addict that is using is hell, so without this board and the little bit of insight i have i would go crazy.
Tell me this, how did you begin to set and stick to boundaries. For example, we are in the same home so i assume he will live day to day but how did you learn to say no and mean it. When he decides he needs money or whatnot he persists until i have a migrane or give in. Or if i dont give in he finds whatever item of value we have and pawns it or sells it. I have 2 dogs and a cat and myself and I currently do not have family that i can turn to so its hard for me to just leave.
I am working on getting him out but in my state i cant just put him out its a process. So its so difficult to be around him and not feel like i am going crazy. Any insight? I know that our marriage is over and i know that 95% of the time he is lying but i sometimes do still help him.
I am glad that I have found recovery, that is the only way that I have any sanity at all. Living in a home with an addict that is using is hell, so without this board and the little bit of insight i have i would go crazy.
Tell me this, how did you begin to set and stick to boundaries. For example, we are in the same home so i assume he will live day to day but how did you learn to say no and mean it. When he decides he needs money or whatnot he persists until i have a migrane or give in. Or if i dont give in he finds whatever item of value we have and pawns it or sells it. I have 2 dogs and a cat and myself and I currently do not have family that i can turn to so its hard for me to just leave.
I am working on getting him out but in my state i cant just put him out its a process. So its so difficult to be around him and not feel like i am going crazy. Any insight? I know that our marriage is over and i know that 95% of the time he is lying but i sometimes do still help him.
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Peacelovesober - Ugh, so sorry to hear about your situation. You know, when "situations" (for lack of a better word) arise like this is life, they force us to reach deep deep down within ourselves to find un-tapped strength. We have to be willing to do whatever, and I mean whatever, it takes to make it through. We are forced to think outside the box, and our survival skills are woken up. If you truly do not have a friend or family member you think may help in some way, I would recommend going to your local church. Or, reach out to your local AA/Alanon, etc group. These are our people - the people who have walked in our shoes. They can be more forgiving, and more understanding. They can also be more willing to help. Maybe someone in a group has a spare room for you as a temporary solution, until you can save money and get on your feet. There is a path for you, if you want to separate yourself from AH right now.
How did I stick to boundaries? Well, I reached my wits end. Literally. If i had gone any further down the road, my mind, and any control I had left over myself, would have been completely gone. I never wanted to kick AH out, I never wanted our marriage to be in crumbles, but I also have a young son who needs me to be able to fight for him. When AH asked for money, AKA demanded money, ("If I want to live like this LET ME LIVE LIKE THIS! Why are you doing this to me?? Why can't I just have $20??? Do you want me to rip the TV off the wall??") I told him no, and had my phone in hand. I was prepared to call or text whoever I needed to come over and help me/take me somewhere else. This is why it is SO important to have a few people you can count on (AA/Alanon). I told him, he cannot live with us (DS and me) while in active addiction. I presented multiple treatment options (although I did not have to do this). He continued down the path of active addiction, so I told him he had to go somewhere. THIS. WAS. HARD. He threatened suicide. Told me this is the last time I'd see him, and he'd leave me a note... Etc.... Traumatic. But I had to. And release him into God's hands.
I think I am rambling now, but I do hope this has helped you a little bit. What my point is that you have to scrape all energy and self worth you have left inside of you, and set a boundary and STICK to it.
How did I stick to boundaries? Well, I reached my wits end. Literally. If i had gone any further down the road, my mind, and any control I had left over myself, would have been completely gone. I never wanted to kick AH out, I never wanted our marriage to be in crumbles, but I also have a young son who needs me to be able to fight for him. When AH asked for money, AKA demanded money, ("If I want to live like this LET ME LIVE LIKE THIS! Why are you doing this to me?? Why can't I just have $20??? Do you want me to rip the TV off the wall??") I told him no, and had my phone in hand. I was prepared to call or text whoever I needed to come over and help me/take me somewhere else. This is why it is SO important to have a few people you can count on (AA/Alanon). I told him, he cannot live with us (DS and me) while in active addiction. I presented multiple treatment options (although I did not have to do this). He continued down the path of active addiction, so I told him he had to go somewhere. THIS. WAS. HARD. He threatened suicide. Told me this is the last time I'd see him, and he'd leave me a note... Etc.... Traumatic. But I had to. And release him into God's hands.
I think I am rambling now, but I do hope this has helped you a little bit. What my point is that you have to scrape all energy and self worth you have left inside of you, and set a boundary and STICK to it.
Last edited by hope778; 09-13-2016 at 05:30 AM. Reason: typo
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Hope, you are so right. I think we have to be willing to go to any lengths. For a long time I have thought I was willing but I wasn't. Over the course of the last few weeks I have come to the realization that I am willing and ready. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired and I have done a lot better with the boundaries. He is on notice currently and is working on a limited time frame at the house. I am not sure where he is going but he has several things in the works. I am praying that he goes and it doesn't become a battle but if not then I am ready.
And I do have a support system, I just don't have a way to up and move with myself and animals. I work and do very well, so I have no worries about paying the bills etc. I can do fine all by my onesies so my main focus is to stand my ground and get him out of the home. I am the one that works and runs our household so if it has to get into the legal realm we can go there. I met with an attorney just yesterday morning about divorce and how to proceede in the current circumstance.
I am feeling more empowered just knowing that there are options out there, and I don't have to feel stuck in this misery forever. I can take care of me and keep getting better day by day. I read another post that said NO is a complete sentence and so is BYE . That was really helpful for me today. And thanks for the wisdom and experience. I am so grateful for folks like you who will take the time to share with those of us that are struggling. I am so thankful for you and everyone at SR..
And I do have a support system, I just don't have a way to up and move with myself and animals. I work and do very well, so I have no worries about paying the bills etc. I can do fine all by my onesies so my main focus is to stand my ground and get him out of the home. I am the one that works and runs our household so if it has to get into the legal realm we can go there. I met with an attorney just yesterday morning about divorce and how to proceede in the current circumstance.
I am feeling more empowered just knowing that there are options out there, and I don't have to feel stuck in this misery forever. I can take care of me and keep getting better day by day. I read another post that said NO is a complete sentence and so is BYE . That was really helpful for me today. And thanks for the wisdom and experience. I am so grateful for folks like you who will take the time to share with those of us that are struggling. I am so thankful for you and everyone at SR..
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Yep - never got "I love you" from my parents. Was always a straight A student, top of the class - it was extremely hard to find someone to compare me unfavorably to - but they always did. Mom said it was to "inspire me to try harder". When I already was top of the class. She also behaved like a child a lot - I remember her leaving us at home alone when we did something not to her liking, and storming out, with us knowing where she was going, or when she was coming back.
I remember trying to make mom happy for my entire childhood - but she never was, and frequently went into tirades how she wishes she did not have us. We never got in trouble, never drank or did drugs, and we're good academically. Yes, we threw tantrums like all kids do - but overall we were pretty easy going.
Another odd thing - I was never allowed to make my own decisions - I.e. clothes was purchased for me, I could not pick anything. Never got any guidance about boyfriends and relationships. And I was never allowed to have feelings - I was bullied over the way I dressed (I did not pick that clothes, remember?), and my parents always dismissed when I was upset, stating that it was unimportant and I need to be grateful. My mom never comforted me when I was upset over a boy - she just invalidated my feelings.
So in order to get away from them, I moved across the ocean, met a guy, who became my AH, and then XAH 12 years later. I married young and basically re-building myself as we speak
I remember trying to make mom happy for my entire childhood - but she never was, and frequently went into tirades how she wishes she did not have us. We never got in trouble, never drank or did drugs, and we're good academically. Yes, we threw tantrums like all kids do - but overall we were pretty easy going.
Another odd thing - I was never allowed to make my own decisions - I.e. clothes was purchased for me, I could not pick anything. Never got any guidance about boyfriends and relationships. And I was never allowed to have feelings - I was bullied over the way I dressed (I did not pick that clothes, remember?), and my parents always dismissed when I was upset, stating that it was unimportant and I need to be grateful. My mom never comforted me when I was upset over a boy - she just invalidated my feelings.
So in order to get away from them, I moved across the ocean, met a guy, who became my AH, and then XAH 12 years later. I married young and basically re-building myself as we speak
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