I feel my spark coming back
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 11
I feel my spark coming back
So, it has been almost 3 weeks since XABF moved out. We have seen each other a few times, & text occasionally. I have been going through some serious personal stuff myself that he is fully aware of, & the lack of support from him is not surprising. Thankfully I have close friends & family that truly offer sincere support. The longer I am away from him, the more clarity I get about how miserable it really was with him. I have been spending a lot of time on me. Running, going to the gym, doing projects around the house, reading, & spending time with my family & friends, not going to bars every night with him. In the meantime, his life is total chaos. Troubles at work, money issues, eating/drinking at bars every night, & smoking pot every night. He has not even unpacked the boxes in the apartment that he moved to, cause it isn't good enough for him. He is already making plans to move elsewhere, even though he has no idea what he can afford.
It is so nice that I don't have to deal with the burden of that chaos, that he creates, then plays the victim when things go bad. His family has helped him out numerous times. I am sure they will not be willing to do that any more. I can see the downward spiral he is in(yet denies).
I love excitement and adventure, I despise chaos, & self defeating behavior.
I have been reading a lot of co-dependent & love addict self help books & articles. I want to make sure I do not get into another toxic relationship.
I find that I am excited to go home to my house that I love, with none of his stuff all over the place. I have made it my retreat. It is a very calming atmosphere. I realized that I have not cried in several days. I go to bed with a smile on my face, & wake up with one too.
I feel my spark coming back!!
It is so nice that I don't have to deal with the burden of that chaos, that he creates, then plays the victim when things go bad. His family has helped him out numerous times. I am sure they will not be willing to do that any more. I can see the downward spiral he is in(yet denies).
I love excitement and adventure, I despise chaos, & self defeating behavior.
I have been reading a lot of co-dependent & love addict self help books & articles. I want to make sure I do not get into another toxic relationship.
I find that I am excited to go home to my house that I love, with none of his stuff all over the place. I have made it my retreat. It is a very calming atmosphere. I realized that I have not cried in several days. I go to bed with a smile on my face, & wake up with one too.
I feel my spark coming back!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds great!
Just a suggestion, I'd re-think the wisdom of keeping in touch with him. You talk about his lack of "support" for your personal problems you're dealing with. You should not even THINK of looking to him for emotional support. You didn't get it when you were with him, and now you've BROKEN UP, remember?
It also doesn't do you any good to keep looking at the mess his life is in. Leave him to his mess, let HIM deal with it, while you focus on your own life.
It can be tough to make that final break, but holding on is like holding onto a security blanket--one that is weighted and dangling over the edge of the boat, threatening to pull you overboard.
Keep doing all the GREAT stuff you're doing, and cut out what isn't serving you well.
Just a suggestion, I'd re-think the wisdom of keeping in touch with him. You talk about his lack of "support" for your personal problems you're dealing with. You should not even THINK of looking to him for emotional support. You didn't get it when you were with him, and now you've BROKEN UP, remember?
It also doesn't do you any good to keep looking at the mess his life is in. Leave him to his mess, let HIM deal with it, while you focus on your own life.
It can be tough to make that final break, but holding on is like holding onto a security blanket--one that is weighted and dangling over the edge of the boat, threatening to pull you overboard.
Keep doing all the GREAT stuff you're doing, and cut out what isn't serving you well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Keep up the good healthy work, and please consider what Lexie said. Moving out from my XABF changed my environment for the better, going no contact gave me room to focus on me without any FOG from him in my life. You sounds GREAT and I'm so happy you are feeling like YOU again!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
YG,
I also totally agree with Lexie. It only took me 1 1/2 years AFTER the divorce to go No Contact. For some reason I let him keep dragging me down even if I wasn't living with him or married to him any longer. (I was still hoping that I would get the call that he had been hit by a SERENITY stick and he needed me to guide him to rehab, ha ha never happened)
Once I cut the strings it was empowering to me that I have completed the journey I started years ago. Keep up the good work my friend, you will have more good days then bad!!
I also totally agree with Lexie. It only took me 1 1/2 years AFTER the divorce to go No Contact. For some reason I let him keep dragging me down even if I wasn't living with him or married to him any longer. (I was still hoping that I would get the call that he had been hit by a SERENITY stick and he needed me to guide him to rehab, ha ha never happened)
Once I cut the strings it was empowering to me that I have completed the journey I started years ago. Keep up the good work my friend, you will have more good days then bad!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi Yankee,
Congrats on feeling yourself coming back into your own skin and getting excited about your life again. I share that feeling, most days, myself.
Not to be a wet blanket, but I thought there might be something to be cautious aobut in this: "I love excitement and adventure, I despise chaos, & self defeating behavior." I know that you mean that as a positive self-description, and I may be projecting from my own experience, but sometimes unhealthy relationships offer "excitement," which can make them hard for some of us to leave.
Congrats on feeling yourself coming back into your own skin and getting excited about your life again. I share that feeling, most days, myself.
Not to be a wet blanket, but I thought there might be something to be cautious aobut in this: "I love excitement and adventure, I despise chaos, & self defeating behavior." I know that you mean that as a positive self-description, and I may be projecting from my own experience, but sometimes unhealthy relationships offer "excitement," which can make them hard for some of us to leave.
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