JGK

Hi All,

I have been reading many posts on this forum but never participated but I believe it's time I reach out to more than my local AA friends.

My story:
I have been drinking alcoholically my whole life since the age of 17. It cost me my degree ,later my business and career and then my wife and family all my earthly possessions.
In 2012 I went into treatment for 2 months and remained sober for 18 months. It was a tough time, depression to the extend of suicide thoughts, emotional, up and downs, crying, panic attacks. etc. From our recovery GP, to a psychologist and ending up at a psychiatrist and was diagnosed being bi-polar, were put on meds and my life changed completely for the better, It was amazing. Went on a six month mini-sabbatical and did some formal certification and has built up my life again. Have a good job in top management. Two wonderful sons. A lot of caring friends and family. Then two years ago the thinking started that perhaps I am not an alcoholic but was medicating due to being bi-polar. And so my drinking life returned. I have been through the 12 steps in and out of treatment, a couple of sponsors and started with the steps again a month ago and am on step 9. Have made one amend so far. But I can't stay sober, Longest in this time was 4 months after a serious motorbike accident but apart from that I get 5 days here, perhaps 3 weeks there, then 2 days ect ect. I pray most mornings that God will protect me from my insanity but by 5 o clock I have only one thing on my mind and that is getting booze into my systems. I can sit in front of the liquor store and pray but once the switch has been triggered i inevitably get drunk.

This morning, after some heavy drinking last night and smoking some pot, I have the shakes, had it before but not that severe. I know I am going down, I can visualize it, I can feel it as if it already happened but it is as if i am watching a terrible a sad movie with me in the lead role. Only my eldest son and a couple of AA friends knows I am still drinking. My best friend was with me in treatment and I have been lying to him to for almost 2 years, his 4 years sober and clean, My parents, youngest son, X-wife and the rest of my family doesn't know, I have told my MD at our company that I am an alcoholic but recovered, He frequently asks me how I am doing but I lie that I am doing great.

I spend a night in jail for possession of narcotics but we have a process called diversion where you are referred to treatment and then charges are withdrawn. I still attend AA meetings 3-4 per week, have been to some of them drunk or go drinking afterwards and I do completely insane things when drunk. God has given me so many chances but still my gratitude doesn't keep me sober

My life is a mess. Outwardly it looks as if everything is going very well, Financially stable, climbing fast in my career, Wonderful relationships with family , nothing to complain about.
But still I cannot stop drinking, My insanity is driving me mad. I know another stint in treatment won't make a difference because i will just return to my old ways and the shame of being committed again and everybody would then know is too bitter a pill to swallow.

Thank you for letting me share

Dee74

Hi and welcome JGK

My life was pretty out of control when I found SR. I was an all day everyday drinker and had been for several years. I was dying literally and figuratively.

but....this community really helped me turn my life around

It meant a lot to have people who understood my problem, who had great advice to help me beat it and who helped me stay accountable to myself and my desire to be sober.

I'm glad you found us

D

butcher70

Jkgs. It's never to late to put the brakes turn off a bad road. I also was a chronic relapser and pray and fight sometimes daily never to go back to it. You can learn from this relapse and make a stronger plan. Get sober safetly and put what you learned into your new plan to stay sober. You can do this bud! Got faith in you!

JGK

Thanks, I realized today that I am in much deeper s**t than I thought. I am going to fall if I dont do something soon. I made myself a promise that if I have not stayed sober until the end of next month I will go in for treatment. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired

Soberwolf

What's your plan brother

tomsteve

and how many promises have you broken in your past?
when the pain of getting drunk finally exceeded the pain of reality
i surrendered.
went to aa
decided i wanted what they had and was willing to go to any lengths to get it and busted my ass off to have all the promises occur in my life.

meeting makers make meeting, which im sure you will agree with.

meeting makers that work the program recover from the seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.

i didnt read any more in your posts other than ya went to meetings and have been lieing, which has only been to youself, the most important person in your life.

FreeOwl

Welcome.

Last night I visited a friend who shares a lot of elements of your story.

The chronic relapse.

The hiding it all obsessively.

The in and out of treatment.

The still I get drunk.

The bi-polar - but won't stay on meds.

The drinking and drinking and drinking.

He was on death's door. He has lost everything. He is in a dark, dark place.

He has been hospitalized and I hope he gets help, medication, treatment, and most of all I hope he grabs on to a shred of hope and gives it his all to get sober....

And I hope you see that sitting on a cold, hard floor, shaking violently, crying, having lost it all, nearly dead, wishing for death, friends visiting with the authorities to get you into medical care.... is exactly where this leads.

I hope you'll take action before it gets there for you.

Fly N Buy

"I can sit in front of the liquor store and pray but once the switch has been triggered i inevitably get drunk."


Don't go near the liquor store.

Arm wrestling with the God of my understanding never works out very well. He wanted me broken, humbled and suffering. It's the only way my ego would listen...........

Tempting fate - God if you don't want me to drink, make it rain NOW! - is folly.

Our book explains this; pg 120 (Hidden in the Chapter To Wives) ......he must redouble his spiritual activities if he expects to survive.

We are provided a solution even for relapse in the Big Book of AA.

Anna

I wonder if you've made changes in your life besides stopping drinking? Have you added things that will help support your recovery? Have you removed people/activities that push you toward drinking?

There is lots of support here, so please keep reading and posting.

advbike

Go back to AA, come clean, and admit you're powerless. Then stop drinking, one day at a time. That's the solution, and it works.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum JGK!!

tomsteve

yup. the program summed up in one sentence

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us.

oops. 4 sentences. thought those were commas!

january161992

my story also

i had to get into enough pain and get thrown into a locked psych ward at a year sober to become willing to do more than just meetings

sponsor
steps
service
higher power

the solution for me

JGK

Hi all thanks for the support.

The question is often asked what did you had to change to stay sober, the answer: everything.

I am going to up my number of meetings and volunteer for service, I am very responsible in that regard and it will keep me going to these meetings in order to fulfil my commitments. From today I am going to phone my sponsor everyday just before leaving work, that is my dangerous time. Eat regularly(have breakfast), when drinking I eat the minimum. At the end of a work day I know that a couple of drinks will up my blood sugar level and give me a buzz. I am also a “bit” of a porn addict, when I stop drinking I act out and watch a lot of porn. This in turn creates remorse and regret and drinking solves that pain so I went to my first Sex and Love Anonymous meeting last night. I have put up lots of posters in house. On the one side of my room I have posters showing death, disease, jails, car accidents( real graphic ) and on the other side the promises and pictures of my dreams and goals which I know will never materialise if I keep on drinking. Will get on my mountain bike again and join the AA group that rides out every weekend. Am on step 9 and have started to make amends. Am busy reading a book on alcoholism and will spend more time with the big book. Made a promise to my son that if I can’t stay sober the next 30 days I will go for treatment and this might have a dire effect on my career. Have drawn up a two page step 10 and will start doing that from today before I go to bed.

Any other suggestions will appreciated. I so want to make it this time round. If a genie would ask me my biggest wish it will surely be sobriety…

Katzen

Sorry, but I just had to comment on this post... This same person posted after I posted my story to "get some humility and get medical help".

That post made me feel crappy and shameful for still drinking, like I was a stupid, naughty child, which didn't make me feel like getting humility and and medical help, it made me feel like having another drink because there are strangers who talk to other strangers like this in the world.

I joined this forum because it seemed to be a supportive place where people are automatically friends with one another and supportive in their journey to sobriety.

Posts like this seem mean to me, perhaps "tough love", but that isn't at all what I'm seeking. I seek support in this journey, not shame.

I ignored his post and read many other supportive/positive ones that made me feel better.

But I do feel hesitant to continue posting if people are going to judge me, which seems to be what this person is doing now in this post.

LadyBlue0527

Hi JGK,

That's quite the initial post right there. Let me tell you one of the greatest things about coming here, you are in the best company possible. A normal person (by this I mean someone who has no problem with alcohol) would read your post and think you're insane for picking up time and time again.

Not us. We understand. Completely. This board is a safe place for those of us who live with this insanity. Keep reading and posting. There's a lot of great support here.

In reading your posts what sticks out at me is they give the appearance that you haven't fully accepted that you can't drink under any circumstance or excuse that can be given. In order to be sober you have to flip that mind to full acceptance.

Here's an example:

Whether you realize it or not your mind is already planning the possibility of picking up again. I do realize that's not the intent of the sentence but a lot of our success and failure comes from what we feed our own minds. By saying what you did you've left the possibility that this could happen, that you will drink again.

The best advice that was the most useful to me this time through came from my daughter who is now 4 1/2 years sober from opiates. I asked her how she has managed to never use again. She said four words that will stick with me forever. "There is no option". I live that every day.

You are being dishonest to others about where you are with drinking but there's someone far more important that you're not being honest with and that's yourself. There is no way around this, only through it and only with full acceptance that there's no option to drink, forever. You don't have to visualize forever, all you have to do is remember this one day at a time.

Stay close here when you feel like you want to drink, it's the best 24/7 support you can find.

Finally, people often ask me how I seem so positive about where I am. Read my signature line, that's the ticket.

tomsteve

Any other suggestions will appreciated.

dont let up on the spiritual program of action.

tomsteve

not sure why ya hijacked the thread here.
2 things you can do is report a post to mods
and
use the ignore feature to block that person.

Mountainmanbob

You remind me of me back in my drinking mixed with some sober time days. I heard some terrible stories told in AA way back then and thought to myself, that will never happen to me, only later to be experiencing the same awful drunken experience.

Keep fighting the good fight so as to stay sober.
For it's true -- we can lose everything if we keep on drinking.

Question -- how many have you heard share in AA that they lost family, job and home ?
Truth is -- I have had (many) of my AA friends return to the bottle and in short time die with bottle in hand.

I know -- the scare tactic doesn't usually work very well on the drunk.
But, some will see the light before hitting the wall at the end of the tunnel.

Good luck,
Bob

JGK

Mountainmanbob,

You are quite right, scare tactics dont work so well. I have lost everything and started from scratch...AS Tomsteve suggested, the spiritual solution is the solution.

I feel quite pessimistic about my own recovery hearing of people that were well on their way with many years sobriety that returns to drinking and we all hear it often.