Smilax

So one of the things that I struggle with is loving myself so to speak. Self hatred or at least an extreme negative self image is one of the driving factors behind a LOT of my issues. From my life long issues with depression and anxiety, to my crippling perfectionism, to my drinking. I know I need to treat myself with more compassion, to ease up on myself. It's funny because I'm one of the easiest going people around when it comes to others. Most people comment on how compassionate or kind or nice I am. But towards myself I am the harshest critic one can imagine.

But to be honest I don't exactly know what treating myself better looks like. One of the things I fight against on a daily basis is the urge within me to give in to running away from my life. I've been doing it all my life to be honest, I've burnt more bridges than I care to mention, most of them not having to do with alcohol. I'm terrified of life. There is a childish urge within me that just wants to set off and literally run from everything. Pack my bags, grab a plane ticket to anywhere on earth and disappear because I can't handle life. I have not done that but I have escaped in other ways, ran from jobs, kept friends and arms length, drank, took pills etc.

The danger to me is that I mix up "treating myself better" with allowing myself to give in to these urges. Because while they may be self destructive, so is the voice in my head running all the time while I fight them. So it's easy for me to slip into the idea of treating yourself with compassion is forgiving yourself for giving in.

And indeed I think when we fall off the wagon we DO need to forgive ourselves and get back on it. BUT how do I treat myself better without giving myself that licence? It sounds easy but it's not.

MrPL

Hi Smilax,

Sorry you are struggling with this. I am by no means an expert in this area, but from my personal experience what I can say is that either you learn to accept who you are and adapt your behaviours accordingly, or you take action to become who you want to be. Either way sobriety will help you get there.

Are there are other sources of help you can look for this? Maybe counselling?

By the way I think it's great that you are asking this question, it shows you are committed to working on solving the fundamental reasons which have caused you to drink in the past. I m sure sooner or later you'll find the answers you are looking for.

P

Bubovski

I have found to some extent that being too compassionate to others can be seen as weakness or even some fault one is trying to redeem.
I think too much guilt is not helpful , as is escape via alcohol , drugs, and other vices.
Perfectionism is all but an impossible stance. We can look to be better people, and the issues that prevent such, but in the long run a decent passion of sorts along with the ability to laugh at ourselves is probably helpful-

Dee74

I think you need to give yourself a little time.

Once I would have thought that drinking and drugging was a reward, a treat, a kindness.

But I grew through my early recovery and I learned better - I learned that if I want to live I can't give into self destruction, no matter how I rationalise it.

I think you're already at a point where you know that drinking and drugging yourself into oblivion is not being kind to yourself Smilax

D

Smilax

I factually know it yes. However in my depression and anxiety one thing that alcohol offers is temporary relief from my internal tormentor. Now again factually I know that it makes it worse later, very soon later in fact. But knowing something factually and really emotionally accepting it are 2 different things. When the particular form of self destruction offers freedom from pain it can be very easy to mistake giving in to that as a form of self compassion. It's a mental trick one plays on ones self to be sure, but an easy one to slip into. If you are in pain after all you take an aspirin and stay off the injury to heal, and tell yourself that you are being kind to yourself. Now realise as you say that alcohol is not at all the same, but it certainly can "feel" like it. And a lot of the time feelings can outweigh logic.

Dee74

Don't forget you're preaching to the choir Smilax.

I know they're two separate things - but if I can leave you with just one idea, it's that we don't have to go along with ideas that harm us.

There must be, and will be better ways for you to deal with your 'internal tormentor'.

Drinking must be one of the least effective ways to deal with a problem like that, because the shame and guilt, self hatred and disgust drinking produces afterwards simply feeds that inner tormentor more.

Recovery was a process of change for me. I grew to like myself more and more the more good I did and the more I loved right.

For me that and a little counselling help was enough to silence my inner tormentor.

I don't know what it will take for you to find that same relief but I do know that staying sober gives you every chance of finding that out.

Drinking more makes any resolution impossible.

I discovered that I had an enormous fear of pain, and a corresponding lack of faith in my ability to deal with it.

Once I accepted the need to feel pain, I found my fears had massively over-egged the experience.

No, it wasn't pleasant, but it wasn't intolerable either - and I got better at dealing with it, pretty quickly.

An argument that says 'everytime I feel a trigger I have to squeeze it' doesn't really add up.

There's no way out of that cycle...and there must be.

You deserve better - and if you can only grasp that presently in an intellectual way, why not run with that for now?

I gave years to one way of living my life - I deserved to give another way a decent run

There may be some interesting links for you amongst this lot Smilax

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...f-respite.html

doggonecarl

If you struggle with treating yourself well, with compassion, then maybe you need to see in action. Volunteer. Give of yourself. Treat someone else with compassion and maybe you will learn how to give it to yourself.

Turtle76

I don't have much advice to give but wanted to say I identify with your post very much. I struggle with finding the difference between self-love and selfishness. Worse yet, my selfishness loves to disguise itself in codependency, which I mistake as love for others. What I have learned though, is picking up a drink is not a "treat"... ever! That is a trick my brain is trying to play. I have made the commitment to not pick up a drink ever, no matter what. The only way I will ever untangle this mess is by not drinking.

My sponsor tells me to be a good travelling companion to myself. So, I try to talk to myself the way I would a friend and remember I am always right where I need to be. Easier said than done, but hopefully I will get better at it.

Anna

I struggled so much with this. My self-esteem was non-existent. I thought if I could get better (not drinking) I would treat myself better. But it didn't work that way for me. I needed to treat myself better in order to heal. I used, and still use, positive affirmations. Louise Hay is an icon in helping us to treat ourselves better and I always have her website bookmarked.

bexxed

I love this thread. Wow.

I relate to the running away as a substitute for self love. Whether it's physically, emotionally, or behavior wise (see: drinking, numbing with an eating disorder, etc).

My therapist a long time ago said, when I told her I'd decided to move, change jobs, and sever ties with everyone including her, "well, remember, wherever you go, there you are." I heard it again in an AA meeting. And I've heard it here. It's true.

People on the outside think I'm really nice and compassionate because I am. But not being nice and compassionate to myself means that I'm actually holding onto a lot of resentment.

I feel like I'm not being articulate. Anyway this gave me something I o think about and thanks all.

B