Perfectionism

Old 08-29-2016, 12:30 PM
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Perfectionism

I have never, EVER, used the word perfect to describe myself or a single thing about me as a person. It wouldn't occur to me to do so - I do not think of myself as even in the ballpark of Perfect.

So when the word Perfectionism first came up in recovery, I blew right past it - it didn't apply to me.

Then I started to see DD display some of the signs of it & I re-examined myself; OK I see it differently through this filter, maybe I have been guilty of this at times. I've worked consciously at identifying & correcting it when I see it in my life now & have definitely made some progress.


Last week, I opened a new set of journals that I'm going to use for a specific mental project. It's been a while since I've cracked open a completely new journal - all those blank, unlined pages just anticipating my words.

I immediately stuck a partial pad of post-it notes to the first page. You know - so I could organize my thoughts before writing them in my own journal. I want it to be "right" and I'm not sure how all this is going to tumble out of my head.



It took me a few days to realize I was basically telling myself that my first, unfiltered thoughts aren't "good enough" and that it has to be organized/worded just perfectly before being inked on those pages forever. That's ridiculous. See how this stuff creeps into our daily life?
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Old 08-29-2016, 02:00 PM
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Oh man - i'm so guilty, and almost too aware now....because then I beat myself up... for beating myself up again

I do think our negative self talk comes more from perfection issues than low self esteem at times. The low self esteem is the symptom I have always written off as not applying to me - if anything, I can be super egotistical at times - but that's probably my perfectionism talking.

I've worked consciously at identifying & correcting it when I see it in my life now & have definitely made some progress.
So is that perfectionism, ego, recovery, or just part of getting older?

I'd love to know when the natural urge to be better ends and somehow turns to an obsession with being better and subsequent negative self talk!

Either way, I think you're pretty great and I'm sure your unfiltered thoughts as they come will provide some amazing insight for your project!
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Old 08-29-2016, 02:56 PM
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Along those lines--I was simply appalled a few months ago when I realized I'd misspelled a word in a "Thought for the Day" that I printed out and posted on my wall. The horror! Me, an ex-transcriptionist and spelling and grammar nazi, MISSPELLED A WORD! And even worse, DID NOT SEE IT FOR SEVERAL DAYS!!!!

OMG, what am I coming to, oh dear, oh my, surely the world will spin off its axis and the oceans will come sloshing out of their basins and drown the world b/c I spelled a word wrong, holy cows!!

I immediately printed out another one that was correct. But halfway between ripping the old one down and putting the new one up, the Universe whispered in my ear "leave it just like it is--it's a good reminder for you!"

So I left it, and it IS a good reminder. Thanks, Universe!
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Old 08-29-2016, 03:01 PM
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When I was growing up, I always heard: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you"

Welll, I think that a good reminder to ourselves is to, also, observe: "Do unto yourself as you strive to do unto others".

Honeypig, I know darn well that you would Never chastise another person for an innocent misspelling!
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Old 08-29-2016, 03:05 PM
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And dandy, you make an excellent point. Oh, the difference in what we expect/accept from others and what we expect/accept from ourselves, right?
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Old 08-29-2016, 03:07 PM
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LOL, when I got the job announcement for my current position, I think I pounded out the cover letter and sent it off by email within half an hour of getting the announcement. It sounded perfect, and I'd just updated my resume and had a great writing sample ready to go, as well as a link to a video of my then-recent argument before our state supreme court.

Imagine how *I*--writing geek extraordinaire, applying for the "perfect job"--felt when I realized, two seconds after hitting "send" that the subject line in my email read "Attorney Advison position" instead of ADVISOR.

I decided that correcting it would only call attention to it, so I figured if I'd shot myself in the foot, I'd live with it.

After I was hired, I talked to my boss and a number of my colleagues (it's a VERY collaborative hiring process here--EVERYONE reads EVERY application and all are involved in the interviewing), and not one single person noticed my glaring typo.

Thanks, Universe!
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Old 08-29-2016, 03:12 PM
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Hey, Lexie:



OK, hijack is over now.
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Old 08-29-2016, 03:27 PM
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Bwahahaha!!!!

Yes, well, we could be journaling 'sisters'. I, too, can't write in a journal unless it's 'perfect'...

Who knows?! The world might end if my cursive is not up to snuff
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Old 08-29-2016, 03:31 PM
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I remember someone on this forum writing...and, I can't remember who.....
"We weren't created to be perfect...we were created to be Human!"
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Old 08-29-2016, 03:35 PM
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one of the hardest things for me to accept is that im an imperfect human, especially when I put a roll of toilet paper on the holder the wrong way.
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Old 08-29-2016, 03:42 PM
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I comforted myself with the thought that, if NONE of those people noticed that typo, they were in desperate need of my skills as an editor.

BTW, I was right. :-)
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Old 08-29-2016, 04:02 PM
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OMG, what am I coming to, oh dear, oh my, surely the world will spin off its axis and the oceans will come sloshing out of their basins and drown the world b/c I spelled a word wrong, holy cows!!
Honeypig, sometimes I look at my old posts, and I cringe when I realize that I'm missing an article. I react exactly the same way!

My job requires me to be extremely detail oriented. I'm constantly paranoid that I've made some sort of miscalculation. It's a two-edged sword: my attention to detail allows people to trust my work, but it also means that it takes me a very long time to publish anything.

So... I have a letterpress poster of the Brooklyn Bridge that is depicted in type. There is a typo in it. Every person who walks into my home sees it. Not one person, even when asked, has identified the error. There's such an interesting story behind the mistake, which you can read about at https://brooklynbridge.io/.

I look at it to remind myself that mistakes can sometimes bring value to something that was already beautiful to begin with.
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Old 08-30-2016, 02:09 AM
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I read this interesting article about perfectionism and how it relates codependency. Codependents discard their vulnerable/fragile side and that is why we project this very trait onto others (our addicts) and are able to pity them. We are giving compassion and sympathy to others while not giving ourselves any. I know I need to treat myself with more compassion and kindness and allow myself to be vulnerable.
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