Should I reduce my hours?
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Should I reduce my hours?
I don't know what to do so I keep ruminating. I guess that is a decision.
My workaholic AH wants me to drastically reduce my hours so I can take care of the house and children. I work close to full time and probably do 98% of the housework. There is an hour window to talk when he gets home from work. He is also an angry emotionally abusive person. He grabs a beer as soon as he walks through the door and does nothing but drinks.
I can see the benefits of going down on my hours but also the dangers. I have once again spoke to a lawyer without discussing reducing my hours. I am stalling with a divorce for a number of reasons. I can't seem to drop this rope.
My workaholic AH wants me to drastically reduce my hours so I can take care of the house and children. I work close to full time and probably do 98% of the housework. There is an hour window to talk when he gets home from work. He is also an angry emotionally abusive person. He grabs a beer as soon as he walks through the door and does nothing but drinks.
I can see the benefits of going down on my hours but also the dangers. I have once again spoke to a lawyer without discussing reducing my hours. I am stalling with a divorce for a number of reasons. I can't seem to drop this rope.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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I'd keep working and sock some of that money away for your "escape" fund. Many abusers find it in their best interest to keep you economically dependent. Even if you aren't ready to leave just yet, best to have the wherewithal to accomplish it when you ARE ready.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Can you talk a little bit more about why you don't feel like you can drop the rope? Your AH doesn't sound like a very good partner right now. I'm not sure how tying yourself even more to him financially would leave you with options in the future...
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
My XAH always pressured me to reduce hours and quit my job. I never did, though I felt guilty as though that's what would have made me a better wife...
In hindsight, nothing would have eased what we had going on at home. I WAS a good wife and mother, and I handled a lot. He would have found other reasons to be unhappy.
I firmly believe that when a spouse pressures you to reduce your job, it's to gain a level of control. I cringe when I think I almost did it...and I smile that I didn't and remained capable of self-sufficiency. In an alcoholic home, I would never recommend the spouse becomes dependent on the alcoholic for a living. Never.
Everyone's situation is different, but I'd keep your options open and don't ever get stuck feeling financially trapped. Hugs to you.
In hindsight, nothing would have eased what we had going on at home. I WAS a good wife and mother, and I handled a lot. He would have found other reasons to be unhappy.
I firmly believe that when a spouse pressures you to reduce your job, it's to gain a level of control. I cringe when I think I almost did it...and I smile that I didn't and remained capable of self-sufficiency. In an alcoholic home, I would never recommend the spouse becomes dependent on the alcoholic for a living. Never.
Everyone's situation is different, but I'd keep your options open and don't ever get stuck feeling financially trapped. Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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I'm with Lexie - when you ARE emotionally ready, you can be more financially ready as well, and that will be one less stressor. Also, who gets home first? If it's him, maybe he just wants more time to make you more miserable. Doesn't sound like a good idea - but that's just me.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
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Right before I decided to leave, I had actually put in for a reduction in work hours- I thought it would help my marriage to an abusive alcoholic!!! Was I insane or what! Well, when the schedule came out, it was the same number of hours- I went to my boss and say- keep it that way- she said good!!!! I was so happy I hadn't reduced them. I love work. I try not to offer advice but instead of reducing your hours- how about hiring maid service? You can always stop them if you decide to.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Dedicating more hours to home won't change his ways, just like losing 20 lbs, dressing "sexy", being more affectionate, learning to pole dance, fill in the blanks won't change anything.
Case in point - I am exempt - not paid hourly - but found myself rushing home to "support" depressed jobless A, who, turns out, relapsed (was not aware at he time, though he was just down). I bought him gifts, cooked all the time, scheduled date nights.....to no avail. He picked the bottle, drugs, and addicted unemployed sad barfly of a woman to drink with.
+1 on NOT reducing hours and setting up "getaway fund". Good luck!
Case in point - I am exempt - not paid hourly - but found myself rushing home to "support" depressed jobless A, who, turns out, relapsed (was not aware at he time, though he was just down). I bought him gifts, cooked all the time, scheduled date nights.....to no avail. He picked the bottle, drugs, and addicted unemployed sad barfly of a woman to drink with.
+1 on NOT reducing hours and setting up "getaway fund". Good luck!
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
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Even if you don't divorce him, the mere fact that he's drinking, drinking, drinking doesn't bode well for his physical health. If something happens to him, you'll need a means to support yourself and your family.
When I read your post, I thought to myself "Give it a couple months. Then he'll start complaining about how he can't handle the stress of being the primary breadwinner and that's why he drinks."
Hugs to you. You are just in a tough, tough spot.
But if you want to take up pole dancing, you go girl!
When I read your post, I thought to myself "Give it a couple months. Then he'll start complaining about how he can't handle the stress of being the primary breadwinner and that's why he drinks."
Hugs to you. You are just in a tough, tough spot.
But if you want to take up pole dancing, you go girl!
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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If he's a workaholic and you're working full hours... then who IS taking care of the kids? Was just wondering about that.
I suggest you work less - at home. Working close to full hours while doing 98% of the household is so far from fair that it's closer to slavery. How did things end up like that. If anyone, HE should be reducing hours so he can at least support you in taking care of your shared home and children. Maybe leave the dishes undone and don't wash his socks for a while. See how long it takes this grown man to realize that he could also take up his responsibilities.
I suggest you work less - at home. Working close to full hours while doing 98% of the household is so far from fair that it's closer to slavery. How did things end up like that. If anyone, HE should be reducing hours so he can at least support you in taking care of your shared home and children. Maybe leave the dishes undone and don't wash his socks for a while. See how long it takes this grown man to realize that he could also take up his responsibilities.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Thanks for responding child care has been part of the problem. There is day care but the children are the first to arrive and sometimes the last to leave. At least it's a safe environment. If he's out of town then my family or mil watches them. IMO mil should be in alanon for her control/anger issues. She was coping with FIL before he passed away. I have to reprogram the children once they're at her place. For example, she was throwing out their packed clothes this weekend. The clothes did not meet with her approval. I heard from my oldest she was asking the children about care from my side, when my side is watching the children. Not really any of her business. I just had to place my mother in care center and I'm her activated poa. My boss is super supportive. I don't want to be going through a divorce and handling my mother's affair. AH has not been sensitive to all that's on my plate. He was grumpy last night but only did his thing. I tried the hands off approach in the past until I couldn't take the messy house and grumpy AH because the house wasn't clean.
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Doesn't sound like M-I-L is any better than AH. Sometimes my child was the first to arrive at daycare and the last to leave - but he was with friends, and he loved it there - and it was safe. Being with an angry adult is not safe - especially if they need 'reprogrammed' after a visit.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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As difficult as it is, I'd really encourage you not to do anything to reduce your income. It limits your options that much more. I'd explore other possible solutions--maybe a different job with more flexible hours?
Incidentally, I think you would be AMAZED at how much more time you'd have if you weren't caring for the demanding adult child.
Incidentally, I think you would be AMAZED at how much more time you'd have if you weren't caring for the demanding adult child.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
As difficult as it is, I'd really encourage you not to do anything to reduce your income. It limits your options that much more. I'd explore other possible solutions--maybe a different job with more flexible hours?
Incidentally, I think you would be AMAZED at how much more time you'd have if you weren't caring for the demanding adult child.
Incidentally, I think you would be AMAZED at how much more time you'd have if you weren't caring for the demanding adult child.
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