Things I fear to admit (self-destruction)
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 29
Things I fear to admit (self-destruction)
I think my alcohol abuse is part of my desire of self destruction. I suffered from emotional, mental abuse since I started school, I was constantly critisized at home too, and my brother had a bad behaviour towards me. I am too sensitive and suffer from constant anxiety and fear without reason. I feel like I can't deal with life and even a situation that don't affect other people are too overwhealming to me. I shared this to my parents because they want to help me with my drinking, but they don't want to accept the fact that I could have a mental problems and need a therapy. I feel so ashamed of who I am, and so angry at myself. I just want to be another person. I'm for sure an introvert and have an avoidant personality. I isolate myself all my life. I have so much personality flaws, alcohol was my medication and the way I numbed my self, and felt "normal", and reallity was more acceptable (at least at first 1/2 drinks because most of the time I was black out drunk not remembering much). Now with drinking or without life is unbarrable. I feel so broken that I don't know if I'm capable to be whole again. I'm 25 and don't know who I am. I feel depressive most of the time and see no meaning in life at all. I think my personality goes so much in dark spectrum that I will never see the light. I suffer from eating disorders too. I never have the actual urge to kill myself, but if I die by accident I don't care. I'm so sick of myself and my own mind. I just want to escape, from myself....
I don't know how to stop to be so mean to myself, I guess I might never start to love myself but I just want to stop being soo self destructive. It might be some self defencive mechanism that I developed trough my childhood, but it is imposible to live that way....
This post is so messed up, but I wanted to share my thoughts somewhere....and talked this things out.
I don't know how to stop to be so mean to myself, I guess I might never start to love myself but I just want to stop being soo self destructive. It might be some self defencive mechanism that I developed trough my childhood, but it is imposible to live that way....
This post is so messed up, but I wanted to share my thoughts somewhere....and talked this things out.
AA Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Silicon Valley
Posts: 2,977
great honesty thanks
i was raised in a loving caring supportive environment with no abuse of any kind
i still got an apartment after high school by myself and spent 11 years trying to drink myself to death
maybe good/ bad things that happen are not the cause
i was raised in a loving caring supportive environment with no abuse of any kind
i still got an apartment after high school by myself and spent 11 years trying to drink myself to death
maybe good/ bad things that happen are not the cause
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Sobriety date 7/15/2015
Posts: 13,350
Are you an adult child of an alcoholic/dysfunctional family? There's what they call a "laundry list" which can be googled. I relate to your story almost exactly and now doing this program in addition to AA. There's a section in the Forums. A lot of healing is taking place. It may be something you would be interested in. You're young and have the opportunity for a wonderful future. Best wishes to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
You know, you sound like many people who I have met in the rooms of AA, and myself in many respects. The one really good thing about hitting rock bottom is that it gives us a great firm surface to start building back up from. I needed to get to that stage. The 'what can I lose ?' stage, before I was willing to change things, and to find the willingness to reach out and ask for help.
The thing about reaching out is that the direction we reach in is extremely important. And as much as many of our family and friends love us and would like to know what went wrong and how to put it right. Truth is, they don't, and they can't. So it's down to us to reach out to others who have either walked the path before us, or who are very specialised in addiction and recovery from it.
One thing that really struck me when I finally bothered to read through the 12-steps of the AA recovery program (admittedly, after several months of sitting in meetings) was that only the first step actually mentions alcohol. The other 11 steps are about dealing with the alcoholic thinking and emotions. They guide AAers to work through the different ways that we try to control people and events that fill us with fear, work through the resentments and fears that hold us back, and the shame about who we are and what we have done, and work on unravelling what character defects lay at the heart of our behaviour. And then we start to look at how we can move forward and behave more sanely. More conducively to a serene and stable existence, with loving and secure relationships with others.
And that's when it really hit me that others had suffered in the same way as I was suffering. But I hadn't realised before, because when I met them they were already in recovery. Their smiles reached their eyes, and their laughter came from their bellies. They held their heads high when they walked around, and could look people in the eye. I started to listen to those people and acted on their suggestions. I wanted what they had. And now? Now I don't go to bed hoping that I won't wake up. I don't spend my spare moments in turmoil over things that happened in my childhood or adolescent years. I have found it in my heart to forgive people who hurt me, and more importantly, forgive myself, and allow myself to move on. I occasionally spend a day with my inner child, doing the things that my childhood self would have enjoyed but was too twisted up in self-hatred and fear to join in with.
Life can be good. But get the right people to help you.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
The thing about reaching out is that the direction we reach in is extremely important. And as much as many of our family and friends love us and would like to know what went wrong and how to put it right. Truth is, they don't, and they can't. So it's down to us to reach out to others who have either walked the path before us, or who are very specialised in addiction and recovery from it.
One thing that really struck me when I finally bothered to read through the 12-steps of the AA recovery program (admittedly, after several months of sitting in meetings) was that only the first step actually mentions alcohol. The other 11 steps are about dealing with the alcoholic thinking and emotions. They guide AAers to work through the different ways that we try to control people and events that fill us with fear, work through the resentments and fears that hold us back, and the shame about who we are and what we have done, and work on unravelling what character defects lay at the heart of our behaviour. And then we start to look at how we can move forward and behave more sanely. More conducively to a serene and stable existence, with loving and secure relationships with others.
And that's when it really hit me that others had suffered in the same way as I was suffering. But I hadn't realised before, because when I met them they were already in recovery. Their smiles reached their eyes, and their laughter came from their bellies. They held their heads high when they walked around, and could look people in the eye. I started to listen to those people and acted on their suggestions. I wanted what they had. And now? Now I don't go to bed hoping that I won't wake up. I don't spend my spare moments in turmoil over things that happened in my childhood or adolescent years. I have found it in my heart to forgive people who hurt me, and more importantly, forgive myself, and allow myself to move on. I occasionally spend a day with my inner child, doing the things that my childhood self would have enjoyed but was too twisted up in self-hatred and fear to join in with.
Life can be good. But get the right people to help you.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
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