My boyfriend's first week of sobriety
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My boyfriend's first week of sobriety
I feel like I've been dreaming of this day for two years.
My boyfriend and I have only been together for three years. I have an engagement ring on my finger, and we have a beautiful 9 month old daughter.
Being engaged and having my first child definitely was not the fairy tale I dreamed of as a little girl. I spent most of it alone.
Last Tuesday he finally said those three words I've been dying to hear. "I'm an alcoholic."
He told me he's done. For the past few years he couldn't see it, he wouldn't admit it, and when asking his peers for their thoughts (who are mostly alcoholics) they told him I was crazy, controlling and even evil. His mother- a non-drinker and a widow who lost my boyfriend's father to alcoholism would be whispering to me in one breath that he has always been this way, he will never change and to leave him, but telling him in her next breath that he doesn't have a problem and his drinking is very much under control.
We spent hours discussing it. It was almost as though he gave me a free ticket to see life from the eyes of an alcoholic. From his eyes. He had such confidence and it almost seemed that he's made peace with it. But at the same time, so much anger and frustration. Is it inherited genes from his father? Is he just so weak? And then a long rant of why something like this that destroys so many lives, is legal or so easily accessible. Why can he order it right to our front door? These are questions I spent years wondering the answers to. He's only just begun his journey.
After a day of talking together, crying together, and finally feeling like I can talk to my best friend about the biggest problem in my life, and my greatest fears... we turned in and I went to bed feeling cautiously optimistic. He'll visit our physician and would like advice and knowledge on programs available to him. He'd like to meet more people like him.
Five days have passed. He hasn't had a drink, is awaiting his appointment, and is very firm that he doesn't even want one. My parents offered him a beer upon visiting on Friday night and he kindly rejected their offer. They know what's going on (without his knowledge), but I told my parents they cannot treat him differently. If he wants to tell them, he will. He needs to learn to say no, so not offering him one isn't protecting him. The guys at work will make offers without me being present and he has to be strong to say no just the same.
He says he doesn't care if people believe him and says he is well aware people will likely tell him it's okay to just have one. And that he will say "you have to get to 10 days before you get to 10 months" and "no, I can't. I don't know how to stop at just one."
I'm proud of him. I really am.
But even with these little discussons, I've felt he's really emotionally disconnected from me for the past few days. I feel alone.
We've had no physical contact, when I hug him, he doesn't hug me back, and things feel very empty and unfamiliar between us. Along with feelings of loneliness, a deep anger and resentment is filling me.
I keep reminding myself, don't road block his recovery. This is a huge deal. Don't be selfish, don't be stupid.
Then I have that angry voice deep down yelling out, "where is my apology, my thank you? I went through hell. I suffered alone with a terrible pregnancy. You drank and drove and destroyed my car that I'm still paying off within a month of having a newborn! I got through post-partum alone with no support. I put my life and career aside to raise our daughter. I held this all together. I held us together. I was your only source of comfort, and the only person who gave you solid ground to walk on while raising a newborn."
A friend of his who has been sober for three years told him "I'm proud of you," on Saturday night. I got home and selfishly thought... everyone is proud of him... yet no one can see the hell I've endured for the past few years. No one is proud that I held this all together. No one is proud that I stood by him, that I did this all alone while he was hiding at the bar? That I spent almost every weekend and many evenings alone with our baby hiding my tears.
I know it's crazy and selfish. I hate these feelings.
I kept myself so preoccupied with trying to save him from himself... I never allowed myself the time to be angry and resolve those feelings.
I've read a lot of other people felt similar feelings.
I've attended a few al-anon meetings in the past. They only depressed me more and oddly enough just made me feel so much sympathy for others in the room. I went home feeling more sad and more angry. It wasn't for me.
I'm hoping some others could shed a little light. This is my first week with him being sober. I know it's a long road ahead...
Anyone's thoughts, advice, or stories would be greatly appreciated.
My boyfriend and I have only been together for three years. I have an engagement ring on my finger, and we have a beautiful 9 month old daughter.
Being engaged and having my first child definitely was not the fairy tale I dreamed of as a little girl. I spent most of it alone.
Last Tuesday he finally said those three words I've been dying to hear. "I'm an alcoholic."
He told me he's done. For the past few years he couldn't see it, he wouldn't admit it, and when asking his peers for their thoughts (who are mostly alcoholics) they told him I was crazy, controlling and even evil. His mother- a non-drinker and a widow who lost my boyfriend's father to alcoholism would be whispering to me in one breath that he has always been this way, he will never change and to leave him, but telling him in her next breath that he doesn't have a problem and his drinking is very much under control.
We spent hours discussing it. It was almost as though he gave me a free ticket to see life from the eyes of an alcoholic. From his eyes. He had such confidence and it almost seemed that he's made peace with it. But at the same time, so much anger and frustration. Is it inherited genes from his father? Is he just so weak? And then a long rant of why something like this that destroys so many lives, is legal or so easily accessible. Why can he order it right to our front door? These are questions I spent years wondering the answers to. He's only just begun his journey.
After a day of talking together, crying together, and finally feeling like I can talk to my best friend about the biggest problem in my life, and my greatest fears... we turned in and I went to bed feeling cautiously optimistic. He'll visit our physician and would like advice and knowledge on programs available to him. He'd like to meet more people like him.
Five days have passed. He hasn't had a drink, is awaiting his appointment, and is very firm that he doesn't even want one. My parents offered him a beer upon visiting on Friday night and he kindly rejected their offer. They know what's going on (without his knowledge), but I told my parents they cannot treat him differently. If he wants to tell them, he will. He needs to learn to say no, so not offering him one isn't protecting him. The guys at work will make offers without me being present and he has to be strong to say no just the same.
He says he doesn't care if people believe him and says he is well aware people will likely tell him it's okay to just have one. And that he will say "you have to get to 10 days before you get to 10 months" and "no, I can't. I don't know how to stop at just one."
I'm proud of him. I really am.
But even with these little discussons, I've felt he's really emotionally disconnected from me for the past few days. I feel alone.
We've had no physical contact, when I hug him, he doesn't hug me back, and things feel very empty and unfamiliar between us. Along with feelings of loneliness, a deep anger and resentment is filling me.
I keep reminding myself, don't road block his recovery. This is a huge deal. Don't be selfish, don't be stupid.
Then I have that angry voice deep down yelling out, "where is my apology, my thank you? I went through hell. I suffered alone with a terrible pregnancy. You drank and drove and destroyed my car that I'm still paying off within a month of having a newborn! I got through post-partum alone with no support. I put my life and career aside to raise our daughter. I held this all together. I held us together. I was your only source of comfort, and the only person who gave you solid ground to walk on while raising a newborn."
A friend of his who has been sober for three years told him "I'm proud of you," on Saturday night. I got home and selfishly thought... everyone is proud of him... yet no one can see the hell I've endured for the past few years. No one is proud that I held this all together. No one is proud that I stood by him, that I did this all alone while he was hiding at the bar? That I spent almost every weekend and many evenings alone with our baby hiding my tears.
I know it's crazy and selfish. I hate these feelings.
I kept myself so preoccupied with trying to save him from himself... I never allowed myself the time to be angry and resolve those feelings.
I've read a lot of other people felt similar feelings.
I've attended a few al-anon meetings in the past. They only depressed me more and oddly enough just made me feel so much sympathy for others in the room. I went home feeling more sad and more angry. It wasn't for me.
I'm hoping some others could shed a little light. This is my first week with him being sober. I know it's a long road ahead...
Anyone's thoughts, advice, or stories would be greatly appreciated.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Sometimes recovery can be as all consuming as alcoholism itself.
Your bf probably has a lot to deal with staying true to sobriety and also a lot to process. I think many here get to a point in sobriety where they feel bad about their drunken behavior. I'm 8 months in and recently started thinking about a few people who were good friends to me that I treated poorly due to drinking. I am attempting my own amends to them. I think it is probable this same thing could happen with your bf eventually, as far as thanks and appreciation for what he has. I mean I haven't a way of knowing how he will be, but just sharing my thoughts.
Your bf probably has a lot to deal with staying true to sobriety and also a lot to process. I think many here get to a point in sobriety where they feel bad about their drunken behavior. I'm 8 months in and recently started thinking about a few people who were good friends to me that I treated poorly due to drinking. I am attempting my own amends to them. I think it is probable this same thing could happen with your bf eventually, as far as thanks and appreciation for what he has. I mean I haven't a way of knowing how he will be, but just sharing my thoughts.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 123
This is a very interesting perspective from the other half. I read every word and thank you for sharing.
Clearly his drinking has affected the both of you, to the heart, mind, body and wallet. However, he will only be able to change and live a healthy better life if he is willing to do it. Alcoholism is a destructive, capricious beast and is very hard to kill. Some might say, it never truly dies and can only be starved to the point where it can only just survive, but is so weak, it can no longer do any harm.
I can't give you advice as to how you should handle his behavior. Frankly, you sound as if you've dealt with enough and I'm sure you know best how to pull through. If he's been distant and uneasy, it's probably because he's at 5 days and just starting to face everyday life without his crutch.
Being honest with yourself and others and recognizing your own failings is a good start to taking control of your life. I am rooting for you both.
Clearly his drinking has affected the both of you, to the heart, mind, body and wallet. However, he will only be able to change and live a healthy better life if he is willing to do it. Alcoholism is a destructive, capricious beast and is very hard to kill. Some might say, it never truly dies and can only be starved to the point where it can only just survive, but is so weak, it can no longer do any harm.
I can't give you advice as to how you should handle his behavior. Frankly, you sound as if you've dealt with enough and I'm sure you know best how to pull through. If he's been distant and uneasy, it's probably because he's at 5 days and just starting to face everyday life without his crutch.
Being honest with yourself and others and recognizing your own failings is a good start to taking control of your life. I am rooting for you both.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
If he wants to meet others like himself, and learn from them how they manage to stay sober, and have maintained long term sobriety, then AA would be a good bet. No dues or fees. No waiting. Just look online, and I bet there will be a nearby meeting that he can get to today. For you, dealing with your (justified, but unhelpful to you) anger around the past and how he treated you, and recovering from this, and dealing with the mixed messages that came at you, and likely will continue to come at you, from people outside of your relationship with their own agenda, you may find AlAnon helpful. Again, a quick Google search will tell you where you can find them.
Also, on this forum there is a Friends and Family subforum where there are many people who have been through, and are going through, the same as you have been through, and are likely to go through while he is in recovery. It could be worth dipping in there. You could even repost your original message in there as well as here.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Wishing you both all the best for your recovery. BB
Also, on this forum there is a Friends and Family subforum where there are many people who have been through, and are going through, the same as you have been through, and are likely to go through while he is in recovery. It could be worth dipping in there. You could even repost your original message in there as well as here.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Wishing you both all the best for your recovery. BB
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
KBF
Welcome to the forum, you sound like a very independent, confident, and compassionate person. Your post was so well written , I want to find you r bf and shake him by the shoulders and ask him if he realizes how lucky he is to have someone like you in his life.
That said, if I disagree with anything in your OP it is that , he should be treated differently . If you haven't expressed these feelings to him you should. You should show him this post. He deserves to hear it, and you deserve to tell it to him.
Learning to cope with his new found sobriety will obviously be challenging for him, but it obviously will be for you, too . People who abuse(d) alcohol can change their behaviors and end their addictions, but it seems that what they can't change is the effect of alcohol on them, that almost inevitably future use will likely lead to abuse and continued addiction. I get the sense you understand this and I hope your fiancee realizes this also.
I don't think you should hold back on telling him what you have dealt with in the past and how that makes you feel, we can't shield others from guilt( it's a 'natural' self generated response ) and the desire to act in ways to ensure we don't incur that response again in the future canbe a very poerful motivator to keeping one's resolve.
Imo, you will be more supportive by letting him know that acknowledgement and apology are things you expect( and deserve), 'recovery' is difficult but these are parts of it , you deserve it , and so does he.
wish you well and hope to see you around, thx for sharing and I admire your strength
Welcome to the forum, you sound like a very independent, confident, and compassionate person. Your post was so well written , I want to find you r bf and shake him by the shoulders and ask him if he realizes how lucky he is to have someone like you in his life.
That said, if I disagree with anything in your OP it is that , he should be treated differently . If you haven't expressed these feelings to him you should. You should show him this post. He deserves to hear it, and you deserve to tell it to him.
Learning to cope with his new found sobriety will obviously be challenging for him, but it obviously will be for you, too . People who abuse(d) alcohol can change their behaviors and end their addictions, but it seems that what they can't change is the effect of alcohol on them, that almost inevitably future use will likely lead to abuse and continued addiction. I get the sense you understand this and I hope your fiancee realizes this also.
I don't think you should hold back on telling him what you have dealt with in the past and how that makes you feel, we can't shield others from guilt( it's a 'natural' self generated response ) and the desire to act in ways to ensure we don't incur that response again in the future canbe a very poerful motivator to keeping one's resolve.
Imo, you will be more supportive by letting him know that acknowledgement and apology are things you expect( and deserve), 'recovery' is difficult but these are parts of it , you deserve it , and so does he.
wish you well and hope to see you around, thx for sharing and I admire your strength
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 322
If he is committed to sobriety, for himself, then AA is the place where he can go and talk with people just like him....and me. All you have to do is be you. If he can go to that first meeting, I honestly believe it will lead to all the things you guys want out of life. The great thing about this approach is that there is absolutely NOTHING to lose.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
You have endured a lot and your bf knows it. He probably feels guilty and is trying to come to terms with that. Relationships change when one person gets sober. You were the caretaker while he drank. You were the strong one. And while I admire you for standing by him for these years, there is also a certain amount of "money in the bank" you have on him. Credit, if you will.
Just as he needs to figure out why he used alcohol to cope with his feelings, you have to ask yourself what YOU got out of staying in a relationship with someone who abused alcohol. And as much as you want him to be sober, and that's a great thing, be aware your relationship will change.
My husband filed for divorce and that's why I went to rehab and got sober. Our marriage is sadly over, but I'm hoping for positive new beginnings. Whenever we had problems in our marriage, the issues always came down to my drinking. It didn't matter how I felt or what I wanted. Everything was always my fault. "If you would only...." That he was controlling and overbearing, mean and uncompromising....well, none of that mattered or was addressed because I was "the problem." I'm sharing this with you so you can maybe understand the other side....though I highly doubt your bf has these kinds of issues with you! I'm just saying that sometimes other problems/issues get lost in the focus on alcohol.
Your bf is trying to process everything right now and it can be overwhelming. He likely will have feelings that he doesn't know what to do with, now that he's not drinking them away. He will probably have cravings, though he might not admit it. And you can hold his hand but he has to go through this himself. A counselor might help. AA might help. There are many other support groups (here!) if those options don't appeal to him.
Take care of yourself and your own needs. You have your own processing to do with all of this, and yeah, you might get lost in the sobriety fanfare for the time being. Sorry to go on for so long, didn't realize I had this much to say. And maybe everything I said doesn't hold true with you and your bf. Good luck and may you both find your own new beginnings together.
Just as he needs to figure out why he used alcohol to cope with his feelings, you have to ask yourself what YOU got out of staying in a relationship with someone who abused alcohol. And as much as you want him to be sober, and that's a great thing, be aware your relationship will change.
My husband filed for divorce and that's why I went to rehab and got sober. Our marriage is sadly over, but I'm hoping for positive new beginnings. Whenever we had problems in our marriage, the issues always came down to my drinking. It didn't matter how I felt or what I wanted. Everything was always my fault. "If you would only...." That he was controlling and overbearing, mean and uncompromising....well, none of that mattered or was addressed because I was "the problem." I'm sharing this with you so you can maybe understand the other side....though I highly doubt your bf has these kinds of issues with you! I'm just saying that sometimes other problems/issues get lost in the focus on alcohol.
Your bf is trying to process everything right now and it can be overwhelming. He likely will have feelings that he doesn't know what to do with, now that he's not drinking them away. He will probably have cravings, though he might not admit it. And you can hold his hand but he has to go through this himself. A counselor might help. AA might help. There are many other support groups (here!) if those options don't appeal to him.
Take care of yourself and your own needs. You have your own processing to do with all of this, and yeah, you might get lost in the sobriety fanfare for the time being. Sorry to go on for so long, didn't realize I had this much to say. And maybe everything I said doesn't hold true with you and your bf. Good luck and may you both find your own new beginnings together.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 121
Thank you everyone for your responses. I really appreciate it.
Today was just an okay day. He seemed more distant than even the past few days but had a rough sleep and turned in early.
I am really proud of him every day. I'm trying to focus on my love for him.
I stayed, endured, and fought so hard because I love him. I hope he sees that, and starts loving himself a little more every day.
My anger and resentment is a little less today but I'm sure will heighten on other days.
Today I just tried looking at him with the love I have for him, and the respect he's earning back.
I'm really hoping tomorrow he'll be a little warmer. I kind of need him right now. Just a hug that tells me he loves me. Or that look he gives me, or an "I love you" with sincerity.
As strong as I'd like to think I can be... I still need that once in a while.
Today was just an okay day. He seemed more distant than even the past few days but had a rough sleep and turned in early.
I am really proud of him every day. I'm trying to focus on my love for him.
I stayed, endured, and fought so hard because I love him. I hope he sees that, and starts loving himself a little more every day.
My anger and resentment is a little less today but I'm sure will heighten on other days.
Today I just tried looking at him with the love I have for him, and the respect he's earning back.
I'm really hoping tomorrow he'll be a little warmer. I kind of need him right now. Just a hug that tells me he loves me. Or that look he gives me, or an "I love you" with sincerity.
As strong as I'd like to think I can be... I still need that once in a while.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 121
I have attended al-anon in the past. I honestly didn't find it very comforting. It made me see others who are in far worse positions. People who have spent decades suffering, and it seemed in every scenario... they had to walk away, end their marriage, and start over. Every meeting resulted in many sleepless nights, nightmares and that sinking feeling you feel in your core when you are hopeless lasting several days at a time.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 425
This was a really great post. It was interesting to hear from a significant other of an alcoholic boyfriend because I guess I'm so used to hearing the alcoholic's side of the story. I've destroyed plenty of romantic relationships due to my own drinking. I guess it's good that you stayed with him? I wouldn't have. It's too risky. In my most recent relationship I relapsed at least 50 times... it devastated my ex to see me fail over and over. She finally left, and it was what I needed. This is my longest run of sobriety in my life after I started drinking. I spent A LOT of time writing and just being alone in the beginning. It's absolutely what I needed to do. A year of coming home and cuddling with my ex and hanging out her, just led to relapses for me because I didn't have the alone time to really focus day in and day out, and that definitely caused me to fail over and over. When I first went to write this post, my initial thought was "you need to communicate with your significant other, don't rant about it online" on second thought... I would just give him enough space as possible... For me, I don't think it would have been possible to get sober with a significant other, if it was, I would have done it 5 years ago and 5 relationships ago.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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Originally Posted by Kissedbyfire 
I have attended al-anon in the past. I honestly didn't find it very comforting. It made me see others who are in far worse positions. People who have spent decades suffering, and it seemed in every scenario... they had to walk away, end their marriage, and start over. Every meeting resulted in many sleepless nights, nightmares and that sinking feeling you feel in your core when you are hopeless lasting several days at a time.
imo, you should go back, but this time stop comparing and start listening to similarities.
kissed, this is the cold hard truth- YEARS of drinking will NOT be fixed quickly. it takes time. hes going to be emotionally disconnected- he probably has a jillion thoughts flyin around in hos melon- thoughts that may have been there for years but hidden by alcohol.
I strongly encourage you to head over to the F&F of alcoholics forum,check out the stickies at the top of the page,
and maybe even copy and post your OP there in a thread. those folks over there have a lot of experience and great advise.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Yes. Sometimes recovery needs us to see the stuff that we were hiding from ourselves. And going to meetings and learning from others doesn't always feel comforting at the time. But the things we learn there tend to come in useful later. Even if only to realise that things aren't as bad as they could be and find some small gratitude in that fact.
At the moment you hope that your partner continues to get better, and that once sobriety he will continue to work on his recovery. The cold hard truth is that most people don't do that. Being prepared and knowing how others dealt with that may not be such a bad idea.
Also, now that your partner is actually working on his recovery you may start to hear diffrent things. Esp if you listen for the similarities rather than the differences.
At the moment you hope that your partner continues to get better, and that once sobriety he will continue to work on his recovery. The cold hard truth is that most people don't do that. Being prepared and knowing how others dealt with that may not be such a bad idea.
Also, now that your partner is actually working on his recovery you may start to hear diffrent things. Esp if you listen for the similarities rather than the differences.
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