JennaRoseMadre

The short version is there was a big argument at my house tonight that ended with my son leaving. He's in recovery and is doing well. He has a lot of outside support, in addition to our family. He has a low paying job and lives home (with rules) until he can afford to do better for himself. We are happy to provide a home as long as he follows the rules.

But tonight was just a wrong turn in a conversation that spiraled out of control. It turned into "you still don't trust me" and us saying "you have to understand why we ask questions and are cautious" but it went on and on as these things sometimes do, then it turned into a screaming match between the two of them and me crying.

Son carrying on about how compliant he is (therapeutically, legally, etc) - and he's sick of being treated like..... (you get the drift)...

He walked out with only the clothes on his back, his phone and his charger. He left his keys. He didn't take his car. I was hysterical: Where are you going?

And he said he had a friend he could stay with. I don't know who or where. His sponsor lives a few miles away - son could have walked or gotten picked up. They've become very close friends. I pray that's where he is. He does not have a lot of friends. He's cut ties from anyone who was "unhealthy" and over a period of a year or two he distanced himself from his "healthy" friends and other of the healthy friends dropped him because they didn't want to be involved in what he was into. If not the sponsor, I'm afraid the "unhealthy" friends would be more likely to take him in, and that would be so bad.

My husband and I waited a couple of hours and then texted him that we love him and our only motivation is to ensure he is healthy, we understand if he needed to step away and we respect that he is an adult, but hope he will respond and let us know he's ok.

He texted back that he was fine and he loves us.

But I don't know where he is or when he's coming home.

My biggest fear is that he thinks we don't trust him, so he might think then why the hell should he bother being trustworthy? I know if you have not used in a while, it's more likely you'll overdose, and I know of two people in their 20s who have OD'd over the summer.

I'm scared to death. It's a very emotional, fragile time for him. I should add that a very close friend of one of my other kids' died only a couple of weeks ago - nothing to do with drugs or alcohol - but it was violent and sudden and everyone was stunned and all are having a difficult time coping.

I'm keeping busy writing this far-too-long message and doing laundry. I think I'm going to text him once more at midnight just to say good night.

Also, tomorrow we have family plans, leaving here mid-morning. I don't know if he's coming with. He doesn't have keys. If he's not here before we leave he can't get in the house. As I said, he has no house key, no car key, no money (wallet is in his room), no change of clothes...

I feel sick.

Jaeger

JennaRose - I don't really have any words but wanted you to know you and your son are in my prayers.

dandylion

JennaRoseMadre.....I can relate---when my son was in early recovery...or when he just tried to stop drinking..any thing could erupt into an argument...it would just erupt like flash paper. And, almost always he would leave out of the house.

When he was first in the recovery that has lasted...up until now, anyway....he was very touchy about any discussion of "recovery".

I am hoping that your son turns up, soon.
I understand exactly how you feel!

HappyPoppy

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. But remember, you aren't responsible for his feelings. What matters most is if he trusts himself.

JennaRoseMadre

Thanks. I actually slept last night from midnight til 7 am. I'm waiting for coffee to brew. No more texts from son on my phone. I thought I heard someone outside, but it was the trash collectors :-( I feel like I'm missing a piece of myself. Like there is a hole inside of me. Well thank you for the responses. Really I was afraid after I posted that I'd get some holier-than-thou stuff about why does he live home if he's an adult or whatever. but you were all so kind and compassionate. Thanks.

Seren

Hello JennaRose,

I'm sorry about the blow up last night. One thing that many addicts in early recovery don't understand (or use as an excuse to say 'f*** it' and go use again) is that it took years to lose the trust of family and friends. Gaining that trust back will not take days or weeks or even months. We still don't trust my stepson--but he is still active in his addiction.

I am sorry!!! I know it's hard to walk away when the conversation with an addict or early recovering addict gets heated...it takes practice.

Sending hugs!
S

JennaRoseMadre

My son came home! He was knocking on the door just before 8 this morning! He came home to shower and attend the family function with us, but first he's packed up a few changes of clothes and is bringing them to the friend's apartment, and wants to stay there "for a couple of days". When he said he was packing up some things, I started to cry again. And he actually looked confused at my reaction -- "Mom, just for a couple of days, I need space" and he said, "in your text last night you said you understood that" -- and he said he's actually doing what his therapist told him to do -- if there is somewhere else safe where he can stay for a few days, then do it. This friend is someone he met through his sponsor and they have socialized a few times. He's using his car now to drop off his things, then will be home to shower and change. He said the friend lives close enough that he can walk to work and he's not taking the car (that I own but he uses), although he's using it now to drop off the clothes. He said the friend will pick him up here tonight, when we return. I just want to have a good day today. I was so relieved to see him "clean" at my front door this morning. Thank you for reading.

PS, he said he will answer my texts and stay in touch. He thought he took the phone charger w/ him last night, but didn't, so he didn't get my second text = the battery died.

Refiner

Your son sounds strong! You stay strong too, Mamma Bear!

Ann

A recovering addict I know, a woman who had over 25 years clean and was working a good program, told me once that when she visits her elderly mother, mama still takes her purse to hide under her pillow when she goes to bed. My friend understands that, finds humour in it and never once asked mama to stop.

I know when my son was clean, I could smother him just with my hovering. "Where are you going, call me when you get there, call me before you head home, don't be late..." He understood my concerns but still, it was better for both of us when he moved out to a place of his own. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for yet another relapse and it made me crazy trying to stay ahead of his addiction.

Nothing we say or do will make them use...nothing we say or do will make them stop if they do use.

Maybe for your own health and sanity, try keeping busy and taking deep breathes when he is out visiting friend.

Hugs

JennaRoseMadre

Son showed up at the house this morning. He's not admitting it but I think the friend had somewhere to go and wasn't going to leave him alone in his apartment. Just a vibe. He took a nap in his room (he's tall and sleeping on friend's couch for two nights wasn't the most refreshing night sleep!), went to an NA meeting. Came back, had lunch with us. Went to the grocery store to pick up the order I'd placed that was ready for pick up. Helped me put the groceries away. Stuck around for a bit longer and then said he was going back to the friend's for a couple of hours, but thought he'd come back home tonight as he has work tomorrow. OK. "Did it help to get away for a couple of days?" (Even though he was with us all day yesterday and for several hours today.) He said yes. I don't get it, but ok.

Thanks for reading and for your support.

peacelovesober

Trust is something that takes a lot of work to earn. I have been sober 4 years and my mom opens my fridge and does the "hug-sniff" for alcohol. She knows some of my current struggles with AH but not all of them. But she knows that relapses are real and can be just around the bend.

Hopefully your son will understand that trust is a process and that the more his recovery shows the better it will get. Hugs

PlasticInsanity

Just curious, how much clean time does your son have?

When my sister pulls out the victim card, "They don't trust me!" (which she's not so quick to do anymore lol) I always ask her, "Who gave them a reason not to trust you? How did that start?" She always stopped the pity party after I turned her finger back at her. I'm in recovery for drug addiction, so sometimes I think unluckily for her lol, I'm not as easy on her as my parents are.

What your son does is out of your hands. Whether it's staying clean or going back out - it's up to him what he wants to do. It's also okay if you don't trust him yet. As someone above pointed out (about the lady with 25 years) - trust is not a factor in getting and staying clean.

JennaRoseMadre

Thanks. I do tell him that the trust wasn't destroyed overnight, and it's not going to be re-established overnight either. He's been home from rehab for 1.5 years and has had one brief lapse, which he admitted to and asked for help. The thing is he seems to really want the help and thrive on rules. Example - he closed his bank account because he decided he can't be trusted with money and asked if his check could be direct deposited to my account so I could manage his money until he learned to trust himself with it. I thought that was admirable, and it's working out well. But some people have said that's being co-dependent or enabling or some mumbo-jumbo. But I asked my therapist what she thought, and she said if he ASKED for that help in managing his money and working with him to make up a budget, sticking to it, etc. is a good thing. Other times, I want to shake him and say HOW CAN YOU BE SO STUPID? Sigh. Until this past spring, he did not have a sponsor. Now he does, and this seems to be significant. He spent the weekend at a friend of his sponsor, so it's good that he has this support system. Thanks for asking.

Jaeger

I understand your worry about your son but from my outside perspective, he seems to really be on a great track! Addicts along with us, co-dependents, have to learn how to live. That doesn't happen overnight as much as we want it to!

Rest easy Mom, he's in good hands!

Hechosedrugs

Jenna, I think it's wonderful that he asked to have the money deposited in your account. If the tables were turned and YOU had demanded that he do that, then that would be codependency, and it would never work (I know from experience-if they are not ready to give up financial control they will only divert funds for their use elsewhere).

It sounds like he is making progress and pray that's the case.

mamaof3boyz

Seems like each day is getting a bit better for you. I can tell you're a wonderful mom. Just love him but give him space. He sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders. Praying for you