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Why I drink...

Old 08-26-2016, 05:57 PM
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Why I drink...

I am addicted to vodka, I need to drink about 375 ml a day and cannot seem to have any less because I need it every few hours to stop the shakes. I'm frightened to go cold turkey because of reading about people having terrible hallucinations.

I think one reason I feel the need to drink is we recently moved into our dream home but we're in a very rural area, and I'm home alone about 14 hours a day while my husband's at work 4 days a week. I'm not used to living in such a quiet, secluded area, and feel as if someone was to break in nobody would hear me scream.

We also have spiders and they terrify me, on at least 5 occasions I've encountered them. Once a very large tarantula scurried over my foot while I was wearing flip flops in the front yard. Others were smaller but possibly small tarantulas in the house, twice in the bathroom while I was using it, so it makes me nervous to even go in the bathroom.

It's a horrible excuse but I think the alcohol makes me less nervous. I should probably see a doctor and get some prescription for anxiety but I was prescribed Valium in the past to help me sleep and I felt terribly impaired on it, I don't ever feel impaired on alcohol, just relaxed a bit.

But I realize using alcohol so much is going to do damage to my body, plus it's taking over my life because I have to time when I can drive to the store, I have a small swig to stop the shakes, then wait about 3-4 hours to drive to the store, then come back and have another swig.

I want to get back to doing something with my life, like volunteer at the local animal shelter, but need to get away from my alcohol addiction before doing so. Joining this forum and reading other people's success stories is very inspiring to me and makes me hopeful I can get sober, but again, I'm so frightened if I cut back more I'll have hallucinations and other bad side effects that people talk about.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story, I feel good reading other people's stories as if I have friends who have gone through the same thing. I haven't made any friends here yet, my kids and grandkids live hundreds of miles away, so I also feel very alone while my husband's at work. He knows I drink, we both have a couple mixed drinks together on weekends, but I'm ashamed to let him know how addicted I am. He's a very kind man who seems to cherish me, and I know he'd be understanding and supportive, but I guess I don't want him to think I'm not this perfect person whose only flaw seems to be my insane fear of spiders.

P.S. Someone sent me a wonderful welcoming pm and asked me to pm back, but I can't send a pm until I've made at least 5 posts.
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Old 08-26-2016, 06:03 PM
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on the 10th you were going to taper. apparently that didn't work?
maybe time to get some humility and get medical help?
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Old 08-26-2016, 06:03 PM
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Nice to have you here -- welcome.

Your husband sounds like a good man, best to get honest with him and your family doctor. These two should be able to help and support you.

M-Bob
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Old 08-26-2016, 06:12 PM
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You can do this, Katzen. I would recommend seeing your doctor and being as honest with them as you were with us about your drinking. Detoxing on your own with the amount you're drinking could be very dangerous.
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Old 08-26-2016, 06:15 PM
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Glad you are here & posting Katzen....so much support & encouragement here. You can definitely get your life back when alcohol is out of the picture!
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Old 08-26-2016, 06:20 PM
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welcome to SR Katzen!
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Old 08-26-2016, 06:34 PM
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Katzen - I'm so glad you're here with us. Talking things over with others who can relate eases the pain a bit.

I drank to calm myself when I was fearful too. I finally realized that I was making myself even more anxious. I also needed to drink all day to avoid shaking. It was a horrible trap to be in. I wasn't ever happy or high - just numb & barely getting through the day. It's so much better to be free of it. You can do it.

What a good idea - volunteering at the shelter. It'll keep you busy and distracted in the early days of quitting. You'll be doing a wonderful thing that you can be proud of.

Would it be possible to see a doctor to help with detoxing? It's the best way to stay safe.
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Old 08-26-2016, 06:35 PM
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Welcome back Katzen and thanks for sharing your story. One of the most important things when getting sober is honesty, and I think your post was a very honest account of where you are with your addiction. I think the next step is to be honest with yourself and your husband about how bad things really are. It sounds to me like you will most likely need a supervised detox as yon have a physical addiction ( shakes, etc ). Quitting on your own would be very difficult and potentially very dangerous. You are also driving under the influence which is a danger not only to yourself but others on the road.

Why not tell your husband the real story? He can help you get through this safely.
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Old 08-26-2016, 06:37 PM
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I have managed to cut back, a couple months ago I drank a 750 ml bottle a day, so I've managed to cut it in half. But having trouble cutting back more without getting the shakes, but I am trying and may be having some success. I usually take a small swig every few hours to stop the shakes, and have tried to take smaller swigs which didn't seem to be working, still ended up consuming half a bottle. Past 2 days I've added water to the bottle so my swigs contain less alcohol, and I am hopeful this will work for me, it seems to be working today.

Nearest hospital that takes my health insurance is an hour away... I know it would be best to see a doctor but am trying desperately to cut back on my own and I believe a huge step is that I finally realized drinking is going to eventually damage my health. When I had complete blood work done a few months ago all my levels were fine, so I think that's why I continued to drink so much back then, it didn't seem to affect my health.

I've also been thinking about WHY I drink, which I believe is a big step forward for me. I've recently started drinking tea... And am hoping can replace the alcohol for tea when I feel the need to drink to relax.
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Old 08-26-2016, 06:38 PM
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Ask your doctor for medical help in detoxing safely. Then once you're detoxed, make a strong plan for staying sober.
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Old 08-26-2016, 06:38 PM
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Hi Katzen
I'm sorry to hear you're still drinking.

I need to drink about 375 ml a day and cannot seem to have any less because I need it every few hours to stop the shakes.
I know you have a great reluctance to see a Dr but I really can't see a safer way out of your situation - I hope you change your mind.

D
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Old 08-26-2016, 06:39 PM
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That was me katzen. Welcome back. Feel free to pm back anytime. You're in the right place. Good to see you and you can do this!
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Old 08-26-2016, 06:44 PM
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Hi Katzen,

I'm glad you are here and posting. Seeing your doctor definitely sounds like the safest way for you to stop drinking. You are better off being at the hospital an hour away then needing to get there quickly because you are having withdrawals.

Sounds like your husband is a great guy, is he off this weekend and able to get you there?
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Old 08-26-2016, 06:46 PM
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I am also alone a lot! We live in the suburbs, and it's not rural. However, I've found it difficult to make friends out here. My husband is out of town a bunch, and my kiddo goes to her Dad's frequently, so no one really notices when I binge drink unless my family checks up on me.

I also have really bad anxiety, but I've found alcohol makes it worse. It gets better when I am actually drinking, but when I sober up the anxiety is ten times worse. Being alone a lot with anxiety is really tough when trying to get sober. My anxiety is lessened when I am around people I am comfortable with, but, again, there aren't many of those out here.

I'm sorry you start shaking when you detox. That happened to my cousin, and he went through a medical detox that really helped him. He's been sober for almost 10 years now! He was terrified to go to the detox, but he went through with it. It's such a tough choice to make, but I know he would never go back to where he was.

It might be a good idea for you to see the doctor. It's hard enough to get sober without having anxiety on top of it. Sobriety IS better than drinking, and it's okay to ask for help getting sober! You just have to get over that initial hump, and you'll do great!
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Old 08-30-2016, 11:29 PM
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Thanks for the welcome, everyone. I have been able to cut back further without the shakes... Now I'm wondering how much of the shakes was physical withdrawal and how much mental due to feeling anxious and feel like a swig will make me feel better.

Recently was drinking half a bottle of vodka a day, but when I had a half 4 days ago I filled the rest with water and swigged from that, then when it got to half refilled it with more water. It's day 4 and I'm too sleepy to do the math, but I still have half a bottle, it's mostly water by now. I can barely taste the alcohol but it still seems to work to calm me down. I've also started drinking a lot of decaf tea, hoping to replace my desire for alcohol with the taste of tea.

No shakes or other withdrawals, I do have a craving but it actually seems to be more mental than physical. I haven't been sleeping well, but I attribute that to a family of loud crickets moved in outside our bedroom rather than alcohol withdrawal.

I'm glad to find this forum, 4 days ago I was reading other people's posts and literally crying... So many seem to be going through such hard times and I know there's no reason to abuse alcohol but I can see why some of them really feel the need. I seem to have a great life in comparison so it was crazy I felt such a need to drink.

I also felt very inspired by those posting who kicked the habit. I wish we had a AA nearby, nearest ones are an hour away and I really hate driving (been in 3 accidents, one really bad before there was a seatbelt law when hardly anybody wore them and I wasn't wearing one so I was pretty badly hurt... I should add, none alcohol related or my fault, all the other driver's fault).

Anyway, thanks again for the welcome and advice. I'll continue reading posts and maybe sharing how I'm doing, hope to soon be one of you posting how many days sober I've made it.
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Old 08-31-2016, 12:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Katzen View Post
Recently was drinking half a bottle of vodka a day, but when I had a half 4 days ago I filled the rest with water and swigged from that, then when it got to half refilled it with more water. It's day 4 and I'm too sleepy to do the math, but I still have half a bottle, it's mostly water by now. I can barely taste the alcohol but it still seems to work to calm me down. I've also started drinking a lot of decaf tea, hoping to replace my desire for alcohol with the taste of tea.
Was just laying in bed listening to crickets and thinking about how little alcohol is left in that bottle and realized I've been adding water 6 days, not 4. Felt rather proud of myself.

Then felt something against my leg, thought it was my husband's hairy leg, but nope. Hope I wasn't starting hallucinations, just the thought of that makes me feel anxious. Then felt a pain in my leg, followed by swelling and intense itching, and have what looks like 2 small teeth marks in my leg... I freaked out because I assumed spider (and no, I wasn't hallucinating, my husband agrees it looks like a spider bite).

Now I'm horrified, refuse to go back to bed as my husband couldn't find it, and I REALLY want a drink but only have my very watered-down vodka and husband's bourbon, which I absolutely hate. Determined to make it through the night, will be reading through these forums until I can fall asleep on the sofa.

Thanks to everyone who shares their stories, nice to know I'm not alone in this struggle.
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Old 08-31-2016, 01:39 AM
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Welcome nice to meet you you can do this your stronger than you think
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Old 08-31-2016, 09:17 AM
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my sonsor drank a gallon of straight vodka a day and lost everything except his life

that was in 1989 just before the earthquake

he is doing very well today


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Old 08-31-2016, 09:46 AM
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The primary reason I drank was I liked to get drunk and the reason I liked to get drunk was I didn't like the person I was. AA taught me how to be the the person I always knew I could be
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Old 08-31-2016, 10:46 AM
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Hi Katzen.
It sounds as though you have been "tapering." This is generally not something people support here, but some member s from the UK say it is fairly common there. This is not medical advice: but I looked into it while I was looking for answers.
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