So confused. Why do I let this happen?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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So confused. Why do I let this happen?
I can't just be mean, or angry or strong and just say I'm done. I'm blinded by my love for him and my heart hurts to hurt him. He is honesty blindsided (even though he shouldn't be)
He went to bed last night and I wasn't ready yet so told him I'd be up when the show I was watching was over. (20 mind or so)
He sends me a text from upstairs :
"I've kinda accepted the fact you don't love me or want to be with me. It would be nice to actually hear it from you. "
I go upstairs to tell him that I DO love him. This has nothing to do with love. That I'm not sure exactly what I want yet. That he needs to really think about why we are here again and that we can't hash out all of out little married annoyances and get off track every time.
He takes my efforts at detaching and making better choices (hobbies, friends, etc) as me leaving him in the dust. I told him he's welcome to join me. Start hobbies, slow down at work...Excuses. Excuses. I also tried to tell him I encourage it when he goes fishing, or quad riding with his guys. And that it would be great of he identified himself other than work (workaholic ) or beer. His whole identity is tied into being a provider and drinking beer.
Anyways, he wanted to talk and talk last night. About how he accepts my faults and doesn't make a huge deal about laundry being done or other marital annoyances everyone surely has.
I told him that we can't possibly get into every detail of our marriage and I'd really appreciate it if he would just educate himself just a bit on alcoholism, and my issues with codependency and me allowing things to get this bad by keeping the peace. About this cycle we keep repeating. 18 years with this man and I could chart our ups and downs with so much clarity now in retrospect.
By this point it's midnight and I'm literally falling asleep. He rolls over and kisses me and it wakes me up. I didn't respond passionately back (because I was asleep) and he makes a jab "oh I see how it is"
I try and say,hey dude I'm FALLING ALSEEP I'm sorry. It wasn't anything personal and we don't have to make any decisions right this moment. He says he wished HE could fall asleep but he's too upset. So he orders 3 books on marriage on Amazon then tells me so like I'm supposed to applaud. I just say very nice, maybe you could order some books on the actual problem. He takes that as a jab.
Round and round. He just wants me to tell him I'm done. He wants to make sure there's no-one else. He also has nowhere to go (pride prevents him from several options), and that he thinks a split home is worse than anything. (We know that's not true)
I know this is rambling. But it's maddening to not get anywhere, not finalize anything. I'm not ready. I don't know. But I do know.
This sucks.
He went to bed last night and I wasn't ready yet so told him I'd be up when the show I was watching was over. (20 mind or so)
He sends me a text from upstairs :
"I've kinda accepted the fact you don't love me or want to be with me. It would be nice to actually hear it from you. "
I go upstairs to tell him that I DO love him. This has nothing to do with love. That I'm not sure exactly what I want yet. That he needs to really think about why we are here again and that we can't hash out all of out little married annoyances and get off track every time.
He takes my efforts at detaching and making better choices (hobbies, friends, etc) as me leaving him in the dust. I told him he's welcome to join me. Start hobbies, slow down at work...Excuses. Excuses. I also tried to tell him I encourage it when he goes fishing, or quad riding with his guys. And that it would be great of he identified himself other than work (workaholic ) or beer. His whole identity is tied into being a provider and drinking beer.
Anyways, he wanted to talk and talk last night. About how he accepts my faults and doesn't make a huge deal about laundry being done or other marital annoyances everyone surely has.
I told him that we can't possibly get into every detail of our marriage and I'd really appreciate it if he would just educate himself just a bit on alcoholism, and my issues with codependency and me allowing things to get this bad by keeping the peace. About this cycle we keep repeating. 18 years with this man and I could chart our ups and downs with so much clarity now in retrospect.
By this point it's midnight and I'm literally falling asleep. He rolls over and kisses me and it wakes me up. I didn't respond passionately back (because I was asleep) and he makes a jab "oh I see how it is"
I try and say,hey dude I'm FALLING ALSEEP I'm sorry. It wasn't anything personal and we don't have to make any decisions right this moment. He says he wished HE could fall asleep but he's too upset. So he orders 3 books on marriage on Amazon then tells me so like I'm supposed to applaud. I just say very nice, maybe you could order some books on the actual problem. He takes that as a jab.
Round and round. He just wants me to tell him I'm done. He wants to make sure there's no-one else. He also has nowhere to go (pride prevents him from several options), and that he thinks a split home is worse than anything. (We know that's not true)
I know this is rambling. But it's maddening to not get anywhere, not finalize anything. I'm not ready. I don't know. But I do know.
This sucks.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You're ENGAGING with someone who has a completely different agenda from you.
THAT is what's causing your pain. You keep assuming he will understand and respond to what you are saying. But all he's doing is manipulating you. He's INTENTIONALLY tugging at your heartstrings. It is an ACT. He knows where your buttons are, and he's pushing them for all he's worth.
THAT is what's causing your pain. You keep assuming he will understand and respond to what you are saying. But all he's doing is manipulating you. He's INTENTIONALLY tugging at your heartstrings. It is an ACT. He knows where your buttons are, and he's pushing them for all he's worth.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
IMO, he doesn’t want to get books on the actual problem because he cannot admit or see that there is one…
The words he is saying and how he is keeping you up at night are textbook manipulation tactics. If you are tired then you aren’t sharp or as willing to fight. He is playing on your emotions and getting you to feel bad for him.
I understand this struggle. I was not ready to leave and in fact, it was exA who left me. It was terrible at first because I “wasn’t ready” but truthfully I don’t know if I ever was going to be ready. Him leaving was the BEST thing that could’ve happened to either one of us… well at least for me as he seems to be stuck in the same cycle, just with a different person.
I think of it this way… by staying you/we/us are not helping anyone. As codies we have a lot of our own healing to do, and by staying with an active A it’s a distraction from our own problems. It’s like both partners hyper focus on the other’s problems so that neither will have to introspect... kind of nice how it works out that way. My problems had a huge spotlight placed on them when exA left… I knew they were there but they were always kind of bubbling under the surface… I couldn’t quite see them yet.
I wish I could share more about leaving, but every time I tried I got sucked back in… and regretted going back. I thanked exA for being strong where I was weak… he was able to walk away for good… even if it wasn’t for the noblest of reasons…
The words he is saying and how he is keeping you up at night are textbook manipulation tactics. If you are tired then you aren’t sharp or as willing to fight. He is playing on your emotions and getting you to feel bad for him.
I understand this struggle. I was not ready to leave and in fact, it was exA who left me. It was terrible at first because I “wasn’t ready” but truthfully I don’t know if I ever was going to be ready. Him leaving was the BEST thing that could’ve happened to either one of us… well at least for me as he seems to be stuck in the same cycle, just with a different person.
I think of it this way… by staying you/we/us are not helping anyone. As codies we have a lot of our own healing to do, and by staying with an active A it’s a distraction from our own problems. It’s like both partners hyper focus on the other’s problems so that neither will have to introspect... kind of nice how it works out that way. My problems had a huge spotlight placed on them when exA left… I knew they were there but they were always kind of bubbling under the surface… I couldn’t quite see them yet.
I wish I could share more about leaving, but every time I tried I got sucked back in… and regretted going back. I thanked exA for being strong where I was weak… he was able to walk away for good… even if it wasn’t for the noblest of reasons…
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Around here, there is a saying.....that you are under no obligation to JADE..
Justify...Argue....Defend...Explain......
He still doesn't get it...and, you can't really expect him to...he is in his own protective bubble of Denial. Denial is powerful and blinding, as well....
The way I see it, GUILT....guilt....guilt, is your biggest enemy, right now. You have nothing to feel guilty about...because y ou are trying to protect yourself and your children from further damage from the disease....NOT TRYING TO HURT HIM.
Yes, he may be hurting from the consequences brought on by himself...but y ou can't do anything about that.
By the way...you are hurting, also...aren't you. You are hurting from his disease as much as he is. But, guess what...you can't do anything about his disease.
do you have that list with y ou...to read over and over?
Also, going back and reading through all of your threads helps, also.....
***you can expect him to go on like this for a while....he will pull out every weapon in his arsenal.
By the way, those books on marriage may be good...but, they almost never go into alcoholism, addiction or abuse. Why...because addiction and abuse are deal breakers. That is why there are almost no therapists who will work with clients as long as addictions and abuse are in the marriage....
***Does he know that amazon also has books on alcoholism....and all the other isms.....lol....
dandylion
Justify...Argue....Defend...Explain......
He still doesn't get it...and, you can't really expect him to...he is in his own protective bubble of Denial. Denial is powerful and blinding, as well....
The way I see it, GUILT....guilt....guilt, is your biggest enemy, right now. You have nothing to feel guilty about...because y ou are trying to protect yourself and your children from further damage from the disease....NOT TRYING TO HURT HIM.
Yes, he may be hurting from the consequences brought on by himself...but y ou can't do anything about that.
By the way...you are hurting, also...aren't you. You are hurting from his disease as much as he is. But, guess what...you can't do anything about his disease.
do you have that list with y ou...to read over and over?
Also, going back and reading through all of your threads helps, also.....
***you can expect him to go on like this for a while....he will pull out every weapon in his arsenal.
By the way, those books on marriage may be good...but, they almost never go into alcoholism, addiction or abuse. Why...because addiction and abuse are deal breakers. That is why there are almost no therapists who will work with clients as long as addictions and abuse are in the marriage....
***Does he know that amazon also has books on alcoholism....and all the other isms.....lol....
dandylion
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
he thinks a split home is worse than anything.
Keep taking care of yourself, and detaching, and getting yourself healthy. I know what it's like when you are not ready - everything is on your timeline.
I went through so many talks with the X where I thought - awesome, this is the right direction and things will change. Eventually, I was like you and knew nothing was changing but me.
(((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
It is manipulation. I know, because my AH worked it on me. And boy did it work for a while. Until it didn't... And I realized (with much help from this forumn and those outside of my marriage) that he was playing me like a game.
"I've kinda accepted the fact you don't love me or want to be with me." - I got this one too. Usually when I did not want to have sex with him. But, guess what, I had a wall so high to protect myself from further hurt from him... He cannot blame me (or you, in your case) for this.
"He takes my efforts at detaching and making better choices (hobbies, friends, etc) as me leaving him in the dust. " - I got this one, too. Rationally, you know this isn't true and this is not your intention. And, you have told him that. That is all you can/have to do.
"About how he accepts my faults and doesn't make a huge deal about laundry being done or other marital annoyances everyone surely has." - He used this one too. It is deflection. Bringing up the flaws in others as a way for him to not address his own alcoholism. This is an attempt to make you feel guilt.
"He rolls over and kisses me and it wakes me up. I didn't respond passionately back (because I was asleep) and he makes a jab "oh I see how it is" - Refer to the first point...
You seem rather level-headed, and like you are receiving help for yourself. You are doing a great thing by going out and enjoying things YOU enjoy again. Please allow yourself to look past these manipulations and see them as just that, manipulations. They are not true, even if he really does believe they are. He has a problem he needs to address. Point blank. Same as my AH.
"I've kinda accepted the fact you don't love me or want to be with me." - I got this one too. Usually when I did not want to have sex with him. But, guess what, I had a wall so high to protect myself from further hurt from him... He cannot blame me (or you, in your case) for this.
"He takes my efforts at detaching and making better choices (hobbies, friends, etc) as me leaving him in the dust. " - I got this one, too. Rationally, you know this isn't true and this is not your intention. And, you have told him that. That is all you can/have to do.
"About how he accepts my faults and doesn't make a huge deal about laundry being done or other marital annoyances everyone surely has." - He used this one too. It is deflection. Bringing up the flaws in others as a way for him to not address his own alcoholism. This is an attempt to make you feel guilt.
"He rolls over and kisses me and it wakes me up. I didn't respond passionately back (because I was asleep) and he makes a jab "oh I see how it is" - Refer to the first point...
You seem rather level-headed, and like you are receiving help for yourself. You are doing a great thing by going out and enjoying things YOU enjoy again. Please allow yourself to look past these manipulations and see them as just that, manipulations. They are not true, even if he really does believe they are. He has a problem he needs to address. Point blank. Same as my AH.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You can still love someone and not want to live with them, that’s ok.
I think when you are ready you will be ready, either to leave or accept him as is and continue on. Really those are your only choices because having him “change” isn’t your choice.
IT takes time to work through the FOG…….
Fear
Obligation
Guilt
And it also takes time to understand how alcoholics/addicts manipulate and use your own emotions as a weapon against you.
It’s like every step in this process of understanding alcoholism/addiction is learning something new, then accepting it. Then learning something else new then accepting it.
It’s usually after many learned experiences and total acceptance is when we make the right decision for ourselves.
I think when you are ready you will be ready, either to leave or accept him as is and continue on. Really those are your only choices because having him “change” isn’t your choice.
IT takes time to work through the FOG…….
Fear
Obligation
Guilt
And it also takes time to understand how alcoholics/addicts manipulate and use your own emotions as a weapon against you.
It’s like every step in this process of understanding alcoholism/addiction is learning something new, then accepting it. Then learning something else new then accepting it.
It’s usually after many learned experiences and total acceptance is when we make the right decision for ourselves.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
TW,
Your "whole" conversation happened soooooo many times in my house hold. It gives me chills up my neck reading this. Over and Over and Over again, the same stuff. I look at what you are saying and see the pattern. I couldn't when I was "living" it.
You both are speaking two different languages and don't hear a word each of you are saying. He wants life to be status Quo, you want change. I don't see you any where near a mutual ground.
I am sorry, I feel your pain as I have walked in your shoes before. Hugs my friend!!
Your "whole" conversation happened soooooo many times in my house hold. It gives me chills up my neck reading this. Over and Over and Over again, the same stuff. I look at what you are saying and see the pattern. I couldn't when I was "living" it.
You both are speaking two different languages and don't hear a word each of you are saying. He wants life to be status Quo, you want change. I don't see you any where near a mutual ground.
I am sorry, I feel your pain as I have walked in your shoes before. Hugs my friend!!
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Yes, same conversation. AXH kept calling me sweet names and pining for our better times, wanting to watch "our" shows together and "be friends".
He asked me if I still loved him. He asked me if I would consider remarrying him (that is, after he has done absolutely nothing to show that he is changing, just wanted reassurance). He was reminding me of all the great things we have done.
I reminded him of drunk driving son, cheating with drug addicted unemployed woman, and endangering my health. Blank stare. "You are so negative and keep bringing up the past, I wish you would get over it".
And when I said "no" to his "let's be friends friends and do stuff together", all the hell broke loose.
He asked me if I still loved him. He asked me if I would consider remarrying him (that is, after he has done absolutely nothing to show that he is changing, just wanted reassurance). He was reminding me of all the great things we have done.
I reminded him of drunk driving son, cheating with drug addicted unemployed woman, and endangering my health. Blank stare. "You are so negative and keep bringing up the past, I wish you would get over it".
And when I said "no" to his "let's be friends friends and do stuff together", all the hell broke loose.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Yes.
Originally Posted by maia1234 
TW,
Your "whole" conversation happened soooooo many times in my house hold. It gives me chills up my neck reading this. Over and Over and Over again, the same stuff. I look at what you are saying and see the pattern. I couldn't when I was "living" it.
You both are speaking two different languages and don't hear a word each of you are saying. He wants life to be status Quo, you want change. I don't see you any where near a mutual ground.
I am sorry, I feel your pain as I have walked in your shoes before. Hugs my friend!!
Your "whole" conversation happened soooooo many times in my house hold. It gives me chills up my neck reading this. Over and Over and Over again, the same stuff. I look at what you are saying and see the pattern. I couldn't when I was "living" it.
You both are speaking two different languages and don't hear a word each of you are saying. He wants life to be status Quo, you want change. I don't see you any where near a mutual ground.
I am sorry, I feel your pain as I have walked in your shoes before. Hugs my friend!!
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Originally Posted by Nata1980
He was reminding me of all the great things we have done.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
OMG I honestly think we married the same man!!!! These are EXACTLY the things my STBXAH would say to me. The divorce is scheduled for the 31st - next Wednesday - and we were talking on the phone today (I know, not the best strategy) and he says, "how did we end up here? You are the love of my life. What have I done to make you hate me so much?" and on and on.
It is all emotional manipulation, as others have said. I'm so sorry you're going through it. It's ridiculous!
It is all emotional manipulation, as others have said. I'm so sorry you're going through it. It's ridiculous!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 99
Got the same thing from my exagf
Texts if I went to bed before her about me not loving her.
How can you sleep when I'm upset (hint, you slept all day, I didn't)
Demanding I let everything go immediately but she held on to everything forever.
All common tactics
Texts if I went to bed before her about me not loving her.
How can you sleep when I'm upset (hint, you slept all day, I didn't)
Demanding I let everything go immediately but she held on to everything forever.
All common tactics
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Thank you all for the awesome replies. I knew you'd all bounce me back. I have more clarity when I am away from him during the day and lose my sh!t I feel when he comes up with these humdinger replies.
I have had a hard time wrapping my mind around the manipulation aspect. I imagine a mad scientist going down to his lab and plotting the next scene of insanity. Some As are really like that. With him, I feel like it's more of a knee jerk reaction. Much like a 3 year old trying to get their way. Not premeditated but on their own agenda for their cause.
Another thing is he asked me who's idea this is, who I've been talking to. Hmmmm MINE jacka $$. I have a brain ya know. Not my mom, not my bff ...this is all ME. I've kept outside sources out of it this time. Except you all of course. You guys are amazing.
I just feel that I've grown so much in the past two years. We are no longer a good match emotionally or intellectually. Not that I don't think he's capable, but he has zero interest in personal growth. No self awareness. We are constantly speaking two different languages . I just want so much better. For us both! But will probably have to do this solo.
I have had a hard time wrapping my mind around the manipulation aspect. I imagine a mad scientist going down to his lab and plotting the next scene of insanity. Some As are really like that. With him, I feel like it's more of a knee jerk reaction. Much like a 3 year old trying to get their way. Not premeditated but on their own agenda for their cause.
Another thing is he asked me who's idea this is, who I've been talking to. Hmmmm MINE jacka $$. I have a brain ya know. Not my mom, not my bff ...this is all ME. I've kept outside sources out of it this time. Except you all of course. You guys are amazing.
I just feel that I've grown so much in the past two years. We are no longer a good match emotionally or intellectually. Not that I don't think he's capable, but he has zero interest in personal growth. No self awareness. We are constantly speaking two different languages . I just want so much better. For us both! But will probably have to do this solo.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Like everyone else said it is very familiar. They know our buttons. We've lived our lives with these people - they know every one of them.
You might want to look into what emotional enmeshment is. There is a lot out there but this is just one link to emotional boundaries to see if it might hit home. Emotional Boundaries
I felt a lot like you sometimes. I didn't even really love my husband anymore yet there was a physical need/longing to fix things. My chest hurt when he was upset. I almost felt a panic to correct the situation and make him feel loved. One time he ranted at me for hours and I said nothing. He tore up all our family pictures of us and the kids and threw them at me and said all kinds of hurtful things to me and about me - for hours. He drove off at 3am for more beer and I cried and cried. For him. It struck me then that I had all but disappeared. I had no feelings at all for myself. I didn't know what I felt - mostly nothing. It was so messed up. I had very rigid and inflexible boundaries in some areas which let me fool myself. There were others that had disappeared a long time ago - so long ago I no longer realized they should even exist.
It was a hard tedious process to begin to decide what was my emotions and what were his. What I was responsible for and what I was not. I had a counselor that helped and SR helped a lot too. Keep reading and participating.
You might want to look into what emotional enmeshment is. There is a lot out there but this is just one link to emotional boundaries to see if it might hit home. Emotional Boundaries
I felt a lot like you sometimes. I didn't even really love my husband anymore yet there was a physical need/longing to fix things. My chest hurt when he was upset. I almost felt a panic to correct the situation and make him feel loved. One time he ranted at me for hours and I said nothing. He tore up all our family pictures of us and the kids and threw them at me and said all kinds of hurtful things to me and about me - for hours. He drove off at 3am for more beer and I cried and cried. For him. It struck me then that I had all but disappeared. I had no feelings at all for myself. I didn't know what I felt - mostly nothing. It was so messed up. I had very rigid and inflexible boundaries in some areas which let me fool myself. There were others that had disappeared a long time ago - so long ago I no longer realized they should even exist.
It was a hard tedious process to begin to decide what was my emotions and what were his. What I was responsible for and what I was not. I had a counselor that helped and SR helped a lot too. Keep reading and participating.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's not always terribly calculated on their part (though since yours has a history of abuse, I'm always suspicious that it's not as innocent as it comes off). Manipulation eventually becomes second nature, though, to most alcoholics. It's a survival mechanism. They don't want their comfortable boat rocked. Having a wife and kids, livin' the American dream and all that--those are things that help them keep up the facade of normality--even to themselves. They are INCAPABLE of seeing their part, or alcohol's part, in any of their problems.
I gotta say, though, even my awesome first husband, with long-term sobriety, suspected at first that I was having an affair, or had been talked into divorce by one of my divorced friends. I think it's a tough pill to swallow for anyone.
My only advice is to not get derailed by the things he says. They aren't meaningful expressions of feeling. They are (instinctive or calculated) attempts to stop the threatened disruption of their illusions.
I gotta say, though, even my awesome first husband, with long-term sobriety, suspected at first that I was having an affair, or had been talked into divorce by one of my divorced friends. I think it's a tough pill to swallow for anyone.
My only advice is to not get derailed by the things he says. They aren't meaningful expressions of feeling. They are (instinctive or calculated) attempts to stop the threatened disruption of their illusions.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
What I see is that you feel he has a serious drinking problem and the consequences of this is that your unhappy and have been letting things slide and now your recognizing this and no longer want to cover for the pain you feel.
implying manipulation is motivation for everything doesnt sit well with me but I dont know your full story. it feels more like he is in denial about his drinking and the effect it has. Is it possible he knows there are marriage issues but just can't pin it all on his drinking. Denial does this.
Regardless if his feelings and words are sincere. I think you have to look at the overall. We dont have to turn them into something negative as in he doesnt love me and is only trying to manipulate me to keep the status quo. THis can motivate us to become angry, distance ourselves and make changes we need. But in reality the truth may just be he is in denial and doesnt see what you do.
I question this with my own husband. Is he being sincere with honest feeling or just trying to manipulate to get what he wants. The latter is filled with intent is the way I see it. I can often manipulate my own thinking because I become over emotional and dont look at facts.
Sorry your stressing over the exact problem as me.
implying manipulation is motivation for everything doesnt sit well with me but I dont know your full story. it feels more like he is in denial about his drinking and the effect it has. Is it possible he knows there are marriage issues but just can't pin it all on his drinking. Denial does this.
Regardless if his feelings and words are sincere. I think you have to look at the overall. We dont have to turn them into something negative as in he doesnt love me and is only trying to manipulate me to keep the status quo. THis can motivate us to become angry, distance ourselves and make changes we need. But in reality the truth may just be he is in denial and doesnt see what you do.
I question this with my own husband. Is he being sincere with honest feeling or just trying to manipulate to get what he wants. The latter is filled with intent is the way I see it. I can often manipulate my own thinking because I become over emotional and dont look at facts.
Sorry your stressing over the exact problem as me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Thumper
Like everyone else said it is very familiar. They know our buttons. We've lived our lives with these people - they know every one of them.
You might want to look into what emotional enmeshment is. There is a lot out there but this is just one link to emotional boundaries to see if it might hit home. Emotional Boundaries
I felt a lot like you sometimes. I didn't even really love my husband anymore yet there was a physical need/longing to fix things. My chest hurt when he was upset. I almost felt a panic to correct the situation and make him feel loved. One time he ranted at me for hours and I said nothing. He tore up all our family pictures of us and the kids and threw them at me and said all kinds of hurtful things to me and about me - for hours. He drove off at 3am for more beer and I cried and cried. For him. It struck me then that I had all but disappeared. I had no feelings at all for myself. I didn't know what I felt - mostly nothing. It was so messed up. I had very rigid and inflexible boundaries in some areas which let me fool myself. There were others that had disappeared a long time ago - so long ago I no longer realized they should even exist.
It was a hard tedious process to begin to decide what was my emotions and what were his. What I was responsible for and what I was not. I had a counselor that helped and SR helped a lot too. Keep reading and participating.
You might want to look into what emotional enmeshment is. There is a lot out there but this is just one link to emotional boundaries to see if it might hit home. Emotional Boundaries
I felt a lot like you sometimes. I didn't even really love my husband anymore yet there was a physical need/longing to fix things. My chest hurt when he was upset. I almost felt a panic to correct the situation and make him feel loved. One time he ranted at me for hours and I said nothing. He tore up all our family pictures of us and the kids and threw them at me and said all kinds of hurtful things to me and about me - for hours. He drove off at 3am for more beer and I cried and cried. For him. It struck me then that I had all but disappeared. I had no feelings at all for myself. I didn't know what I felt - mostly nothing. It was so messed up. I had very rigid and inflexible boundaries in some areas which let me fool myself. There were others that had disappeared a long time ago - so long ago I no longer realized they should even exist.
It was a hard tedious process to begin to decide what was my emotions and what were his. What I was responsible for and what I was not. I had a counselor that helped and SR helped a lot too. Keep reading and participating.
Last edited by thousandwords53; 08-26-2016 at 04:53 PM. Reason: Added sentence
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Just journaling an update for future reference. "The books" arrived and he was reading one when I got home from work last night. He mentioned it I just said, that's good! That's his thing. He's been laying it on thick and texting all day sweet, normal stuff. Like he used to when we were "good". Also, tagging me in super sappy things in Facebook so that family and friends will ooh and ahh. In normal circumstances that would be really sweet but it honestly annoyed and made me extremely uncomfortable. I did finally comment on it and said: That was sweet. Love you.
Later in the night he said: Did you see I tagged you on FB? I said, yes I did, I commented in it.
Maybe I'm uber critical and jaded. But these efforts seem very superficial and not at the core of the issue. But if I even say that, I can predict he will take that as an attack at his stellar life transformation lol.
Later in the night he said: Did you see I tagged you on FB? I said, yes I did, I commented in it.
Maybe I'm uber critical and jaded. But these efforts seem very superficial and not at the core of the issue. But if I even say that, I can predict he will take that as an attack at his stellar life transformation lol.
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