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Fearing a slip

Old 08-25-2016, 11:08 AM
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Fearing a slip

Hello folks,

I'm nearing my 90 day mark, and I have had no desire to drink.
Today I saw my new Primary Care Dr. I found one outside of our city's tight-knit medical community - one that has absolutely sh*t all over my good name for the past year. My medical records are so full of exaggerations, errors, and straight-up lies you wouldn't believe it, and since I'm poor and on Medicaid I'm expendable, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to see things put right.
I did not sign a release of records today, and I got a call about it when I got home - just when I was about to call them to explain. I gave them some pertinent info they could have then said I would discuss my medical records when I see the Dr. in a month. They said that was fine.

And YET, I usually get a "that's just fine" song and dance, then everyone get's suspicious and the whole cycle of "she's a liar" starts all over again.

Two and a half years ago I literally begged drs. to help me with my perimenopause AND drinking. NOTHING. I'm sick of this cr*p and afraid that this cycle will never end. And for the first the first time I feel like drinking....damn it, really drinking. My Guy will keep an eye on me, but I can't take this systematic destruction of my reputation. The town I live in is a nightmare. Gossip is the greatest currency and people are just as mean as can be.
I want to get drunk and forget all of it. Problem is: I know the next time I drink will be the last, because I'll likely go off the deep end and just end it.

Sorry about this post, sorry I'm weak, I'm sorry I was born this way.
Thanks for listening.
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Old 08-25-2016, 11:16 AM
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appreciate your honesty


ive been "fearing a slip" for 24 years ...

thats why i stay active in AA

meetings
sponsor
steps
service
higher power


God bless

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Old 08-25-2016, 11:17 AM
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Hi Dame.

Do yourself a favor. Don't destroy 90 days worth of work. That is an AMAZING milestone that you should be proud of.

Iam sure the others will have some good advice .
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Old 08-25-2016, 11:49 AM
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As frustrating as this is if you drink you'll forget about it for a few hours and that's all. In my experience the more I fear and dwell on something the more likely it will happen. If you have a good name there are people who won't believe what's going on and believe in you. We have no control over what people think of us and they have no control over whether or not you drink...only you. Have faith in yourself that you can make it through this. Congratulations on your 90 days. You got this!
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Old 08-25-2016, 11:51 AM
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Stick with us you have us in your corner x
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Old 08-25-2016, 01:05 PM
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Thank you so much everyone, As always good, solid and very sensible advice.
The cravings are waning now. I forgot that I hadn't eaten in 18 hours and didn't sleep last night [HALT], so I'll eat and try for a nap.
And I'm gong to do something I've wanted to do for a while now. I'm going to write up my OWN explanation of my recent medical history and trials and send it to my new Dr. I won't be self-pitying, but I will "call out" the offenders (with plenty of dates and data). I'll make sure he has it before my next visit. All the drs. in this city know or know OF each other. At the same time they must also know of the abuses. I initially liked him because he is an Indian Man (wow, diversity here!), probably in his early 70's (yay! Old School), and I won't expect him to agree that many Drs. here are jerks, but I'm going to make my case anyway. He really did seem nice.

Again, thank you so much good friends. I remembered what you have said here before: "why didn't you tell us BEFORE you drank." I'm glad I did. I'm still thinking of red wine, but my head has been getting so much clearer the past week, I just can't go back to living in that alcoholic induced dementia anymore.
Sending you love and gratitude.
And any more suggestions about how to deal with this mess would be greatly appreciated if you have been through this yourselves - or just have any ideas('health care' is such a darned racket).
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Old 08-25-2016, 01:43 PM
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Ms. Dame,

Remember when you said you'd go to any lengths to get and stay sober? Play the video in your mind of what will happen if you pick up. Now if you truly believe death is not an option, go to a meeting or call someone immediately. Or post here again. Don't rely on Mr. Guy. Think of the pressure that puts him under. You have one job TODAY, and that's to not drink.

I will echo january161992's wisdom here:

meetings
sponsor
steps
service
higher power

Choose to live.

Tin Hips McGee
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Old 09-03-2016, 07:02 PM
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Hey Dame:
You sound really bitter! Angry! Right? O.K. Illigitimis non carborundum? (Don't let the bastards wear you down!). So they gossip! They always gossip! Don't let them get you to drink over it. They will talk. You can't stop them. But you can stop them from driving you to drink. Get some others who are also like you, in recovery, maybe AA if you do that program, get some companionship with others who feel like you, who suffer like you and above all, when you feel you're in a hole don't get a shovel and dig yourself down deeper. Keep posting here on SR. We're like you. We've been talked about, gossiped. We know anger, isolation, loneliness. Do you have a dog or cat? If not, get one right now.

Bill.
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Old 09-03-2016, 07:36 PM
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hey Dame,

from a different perspective, it's an opportunity.
an opportunity to start figuring out what you as a sober person can do when things don't go smoothly. the desire to drink is a reaction. your default. no need to go there, though. but big need to find/learn new ways of self-care (don't you hate that word by now??? seems everyone i know is using it a gazillion times a day).

and great idea to get your own take on your recent medical history on paper!
i'd suggest, though, that you hold off on sending it to the new doc.
the best introduction to a relationship between you and a new doc is not likely to be a letter calling out their colleagues.
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Old 09-03-2016, 11:56 PM
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You are not weak! Feeling loss of control in a situation (like dealing with your medical records) can make one feel weak, but dealing with it (advising the office that you will talk to the doctor ) is empowering! You can do this Dame. No talking about slipping, just even thinking that it is a possibility could make it justifiable later. You have 90 days. That is awesome.
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Old 09-04-2016, 12:02 AM
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"I want to get drunk and forget all of it. Problem is: I know the next time I drink will be the last, because I'll likely go off the deep end and just end it."

You don't want to throw yourself back in the wringer. You can do this.
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Old 09-04-2016, 05:38 AM
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Hi Dame - perimenopause is rough. Im in it too - and there are times I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin that I would do almost anything to escape it. Red wine was also my DOC.
It doesnt work though! Just ends up amplifying the bad feelings!
The 90 day mark was hard for me - I got really depressed, thoughts of death and all that.
Please hang in there sober! Try to keep your routine simple. If you are in a position to adopt an animal, please consider it. They offer so much affection and uncomplicated, straightforward and loyal friendship! My beagle was my constant companion in the first crazy, sleepless 60 days - we walked for miles, I hugged her and cried, and she curled up beside me in the wee hours of the night.

I saw this ad (I think for Whole Foods) and it stuck with me - it said "Treat your body like someone you love." Maybe try that?
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Old 09-04-2016, 05:50 AM
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The reality is that other people i e "the town" and the "doctors" are really insignificant in the greater scheme of things. So are we. We are miniscule specs in a vast universe. So are the town and the doctors. So forget them. Do this just for yourself.
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Old 09-04-2016, 06:36 AM
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You DON'T want another day zero. Day 90 is amazing. I personally can NEVER do another day zero again. I'm glad the cravings passed---they do if you let them.
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Old 09-04-2016, 06:44 AM
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Good job on 90 days Dame. Do yourself a favor and do not relapse. Doing so would simply validate their "gossip". If you continue on the straight and narrow, they will run out of stuff to talk about and move on to their next victim.
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