Ooona

Hi everyone. Looking for some suggestions/feedback on an upcoming visit from my in laws who will be coming to spend 10 days with us in the near future.

The issue is that they are both very heavy drinkers, daily consuming alcohol starting in early afternoon and into the evening. Although they both are older ( shes 70 and hes in his 80's) age hasnt slowed them down one bit!

So not sure how best to set boundaries about this. I dont want to really get into my story with them, Im a private person by nature. I also dont want them drinking and bringing alcohol here. I know I am in a vulnerable time in my recovery and cant quarentee what would happen if there was alcohol here in my midst. I may make it through just fine but Im not going to play with my illness or test myself like that.

Husband said he will do whatever I want him to do including telling them they are not 'allowed' to drink while here or bring alcohol in our home.

I guess my internal dilemma has to do with this. How do I protect my recovery while still staying on the good side of my in laws?

Thanks for any advice! Much Appreciated!

Bobbieka

I have no advice. I would say, tell them, but you have already said that's not happening. I'm guessing in the past you drank with them. Can you just tell them you are taking a break from drinking and you would appreciate if they didn't drink in your home?

Good luck and congratulations on your sobriety!

2muchpain

Sounds like you have a very supportive husband!! If he's willing to tell them not to bring alcohol with them, I'd go with it (and not feel guilty about it). Maybe look at it this way. If you were suffering with asthma, would you allow people to smoke in your house? Same thing. If they can't deal with it, that's their problem. Good luck. John

FearlessChase

I'm facing a similar issue with my parents (both in their 70s). Our house is large enough that I can set up drinking "zones" for them that I can avoid, or at least I hope I can. I'm not sure how you would be able to ask them not to drink without telling them that you're not drinking, though.

Ooona

Hi Bobbie- Thanks for the reply.
I have drank with them in the past but not too much. They live several hundred miles away and so I have actually spent really limited amount of time with them. Husband and I have been married only a couple of years.

I really do know I need to speak up for myself, but since the relationship is sort of so 'new' I dont have a level of comfort in communicating with them.

Me saying Im not drinking, seems like they would be ok with that, but wouldnt really stop them from bringing their alcohol and use into the house, you know what I mean?

* sigh*, just not sure how to deal with this.

Ooona

I thought I could tell them that Im not drinking ( without going into alot of detail) but I think they will drink regardless ya know? I do have an outside fridge they could keep alcohol in, and weather is nice enough they could drink outside on patio but gosh...I can just hear the chirping voices in my head saying....you are missing out on all the FUN
Blah Bla Blah that BS my brain can tell me sometimes!

2muchpain

Great idea. A win win situation. John

advbike

Good luck telling an older drinker not to drink in your home, lol. What, are they supposed to drive to a bar? Not a good idea. But they will want their drink.

I always tell people I don't drink, so that usually keeps it out of my home. And I don't entertain much. Sometimes guests have a beer or glass of wine if we eat dinner out, or in another room of my house. Maybe suggest to your husband that they not drink in front of you, in fact that's what I would do.

Ooona

Believe it or not these two drink ALOT in bars/clubs/friends homes and etc! Yeah I know, scary thought but it is what it is.

2muchpain

That's a real tough spot your in. It also sounds like the chances of your drinking are pretty high if they show up with alcohol. Any chance of putting off the visit for a while? Other than that, sounds like the only choice you have is to not let them drink in your house. Maybe others can up with other ideas. All the best. John

FearlessChase

Oh and agreed, they WILL get their drink somehow if they want it!

dwtbd

It's your home you have every right to be as comfortable in it as you can. Broaching the subject before they arrive is probably the best idea, you never know they may be motivated to change their plans, either about staying or drinking at your house.
Just don't forget to breath,the AV is trying to get you all worked up about all possible scenarios and how they may play into 'making' you break your resolve, stay strong and tell the AV to stuff it, in any all scenarios you will be able to maintain the control of your arm and its lifting motions.
Hope this all plays out as smoothly as possible , just breath and remember you don't drink

Ooona

Oh wow, thanks for the straight forward shot in the arm!
I guess I have to ask myself, whats more important...my recovery or being accepted, liked or etc from my in laws?
Of course, it is my recovery!
Im going to work towards being honest about my situation and let it be known BEFORE they get here, that way they can change plans if they need to and not just drop it on them before they get here, that wouldnt be cool to surprise them like that.
Does that sound like a good plan?

Fusion

That sounds like a fabulous plan to me, Ooona! Your sobriety is so important, protect it!

dwtbd

I understand being a private person, I'm fairly guarded myself ,practically the only time I discuss my 'sobriety' is under an assumed name,lol. But in some situations and relationships simply 'laying it out there' is almost required, yes?
If your inlaws are honest and straightforward people the is every chance in the world they will be understanding and supporting. It seems more often than not that people in their 70's -80's are done mucking around and tend to just get on with it, age and wisdom thing ?

Optimini

That is such a tough situation, but it is your home and you deserve to feel safe there. Good luck, I hope they understand.

cwood3

What about this....have your husband tell them that you are not drinking in the next day or so. That way he can see how they react. It also gives them time to think about it. The last thing you want to do is spring it on them at the last minute. Early warning to them will allow things to happen at a slower pace as far as digesting the news.

thomas11

I don't have much advice other than I would tell them about the no alcohol rules as soon as possible. If they are alcoholics, and drink daily, they aren't going to take too kindly to no cocktails.

advbike

Yes, I always tell people ahead.. so they know. Some may opt to change their plans.

tomsteve

sounds very good to me!

i was quite astonished when a friend told me,"when in Rome, do as the Romans do."
that really made me realize i am allowed to set rules for behavior in my house and dont have to allow unacceptable behavior in my house.
if someone or something is a threat to my sobriety, im allowed to say
NO.
AND
"no" is a complete sentence.