RedAndy

This is quite long so for anyone who can bothered to read thanks for taking the time.

Thoughts and mind in overdrive again over the last few days feeling really low at times then swing back and up again - really up and down - massive sugar overload binge eating at times to the point of feeling sick but still continuing - can't stop once I start, last nights was after another big downturn at work where I felt like I was about to burst into tears at the feelings of how socially awkward I'm finding myself, lost with where my life seems to be heading right now and absolutely fed up of the whole thing - got myself out on my bike when I got home from work which blew a few cobwebs away and was fun and then once relaxed back at home after my evening meal started with what should have been just a dessert - like something goes with that first sugar rush and gets silly then and no matter how I try I can't stop - not normal that is for sure - pretty much the way I always drank and did drugs too - to absolute excess and as much as possible in as short a space of time as possible.

Can't stop it once this cycle starts and know my wife is getting down with it too - it's like groundhog day at times and can see she's finding it difficult to cope with also - then the AV kicks in to and I keep wanting to return to the old ways no matter that it caused me so many problems, it was fun a lot of the time to, it was an escape I didn't have to deal with all this - bang gone - problem is the way I now am inside my own head if I started that again I reckon I'd be pretty quickly in a psych unit so that's a none starter too - just want to get out of this feeling of being trapped.

AV suggesting that a couple with the wife might be a good idea - I miss that massively also - I shut it down I know its not an option - but it just keeps repeating and repeating - any angle possible - I know that one or two is never gonna be the case tho - what I really want is to get absolutely destroyed.

Feel like I'm unable to connect with anyone outside of my immediate office at work (the only social aspect here is going out getting smashed - can't go out with them of course) or find like minded people who know what's going on in my head, at the same time I don't even want to alot of the time I just want oblivion where I don't even know what's going on, where this ends !!! until I come round and then its a million times worse - arrrggghhh

I find I'm isolating myself massively and afraid of my own shadow at times - panicked over nothing and just don't want to do stuff at all - force myself at times but others I just simply can't and I'm on the floor with it all just begging for a way out with some very dark thoughts and then once again at other times I'm flying and there seems little wrong. Up and down isn't in it.

Drive myself daft searching for answers and who I am supposed to be - how I am supposed to change - felt good about stuff for a while but now just trying to get on with it because its what I have to do - this is my life and I absolutely hate it at times - I keep telling everyone its ok, its not, when I sit down with someone GP or counsellors it gets better for a short time or I feel there's nothing wrong and it's something I'm creating in my head then it all starts again and bang I'm driving myself daft, to the point I want it all to end.

Just looked at website I have open that I've been looking thro:-

How to help a dry drunk
Types of personality disorder
8 ways to stop being self centred
Living life to full
Moodgym
7 Reasons why empathy is important
15 tips to be nice and liked by all instantly
Teetotallers unite and takeover (social group locally)
Anxiety / depression / BPD
Avolition medical definition

This has taken over my life it's all I think about morning noon and night and can't switch it off once it gets started - how to improve how I can be a better person - you know what though I quite liked the way I was before, I did some stupid things and was out of control at times but I had fun and enjoyed my life - this is now just dull and literally driving me mad and no matter how hard I look I can't seem to find the right fit for my future.

I don't have a connection to the people that are part of the setups I've been looking at for socialising, all tend to be religious based or student types which I have nothing against but absolutely zero in common with, we're from completely opposite side of the tracks, I had a great group of mates and I miss them massively but when all said and done it was all about drinking and drugs and its not a place I can be.

I put some music on the other day - didn't know what it was when I turned it on and straight away it takes me back to mental nights out - straight into a panic - that's not normal at all its doing my head in - I don't like the way I've turned into a pathetic wimp with all this, this wasn't how I was at all.

No matter how much I push myself it just isn't working inside my own head - its not a great place to be and the reason I want out of it.

Zanna

Manchester does have a bit of a party scene, doesn't it I'm living around 45 miles south of you. One thing I can say is, this stinking heat-wave we've been having, has thrown everyone 'out of sorts', I personally just wish the sun would naff off back to wherever it came from. Just about everyone, is grumpy, regardless of whether they have a 'problem' or not with substances.
Are you getting enough sleep? It's not been that easy with the hot nights Of course, I could be way of track, but it's what sprang to mind reading your post.

Z.

RedAndy

Thanks for the reply Zanna - that is one thing I don't have a problem with really thankfully - even though my mind can be racing I do seem to be able to get to sleep once settled - sleep isn't really an issue.

RedAndy

And yes it does have a party scene - one that I was accustomed to for the best part of 30 years since the mid 80's and in all honesty I miss it massively.

Zanna

I know, it's not easy You must have had your reasons for quitting though and they must have been good ones, for you to sign up here
I'm sure in time, you'll be able to go the old haunts and just not do the drinks etc. It must be doable as so many members here have years and years behind them.
Wish I could wave a magic wand for you. I think TIME is the answer for both of us.
Hey - we'll look back and laugh one day

RedAndy

I'm at nearly 10 months though, that's part of the problem I feel like socially I'm getting worse and further away from anyone than ever. Pubs / bars / hotels - not a chance I'm like quivering wreck in them - office / car / home I'm good with - seems like I'm giving up on the rest of it.

19th wedding anniversary in 2 weeks and the wife has said how much she would like to go out for a meal - I want to but know I will be so uncomfortable in there watching everyone else drink - been times where it hasn't bothered me but not many - lately its getting an issue again and already said not a chance I can go for a pub meal as I just don't want to be in the places - will end up in some fancy restaurant somewhere I guess but will make it out in the sticks, city centre a none starter - too many reminders - think I might get a slap with a suggestion of KFC or a Kebab shop tho.

Zanna

Good idea, going somewhere out on the sticks - means you have to drive
I know for me, the heat right now, and it's effects, is toooooooo much like withdrawal symptoms, to be enjoyable.

RedAndy

To add to that pubs bars etc - I've been in 3 in 10 months - not places I feel at all comfortable with even for a meal.

RedAndy

Yeah that is the plan a nice drive into the countryside will be on the cards - that will make that evening easier to deal with.

Zanna

Imagine though, if you did have a drink - how would you feel the next day? Ten months is fantastic! All those days you've not caved in I can't imagine how bad you would feel giving in after all that time. It's not worth it. Honestly.
Pubs, well yeah I can understand that and I'm sure if you explain to your wife, she would too. I'm sure she's more concerned about your welfare.
19 years too, is amazing. Congratulations

Dee74

Have you considered some counselling Andy?

Sometimes it's hard to be subjective about something when you're in the middle of it.

Having an expert to bounce stuff off could help.

I used to have a perfectionist drive (or one worse than it is now) and part of that was endless self improvement - I used to feel I had to prove something and/or atone for past sins.

I had criticisms - mine and other peoples - sometimes 30 years old ringing in my ears some days...

If you don't deal with that you end up drunk or insane, or both.

It took me a while to understand it was ok to be me - right now, this minute..
Nobodys better at being me than I am

D

RedAndy

Thanks Zanna - the wife definitely deserves a medal that's for sure and she's fully supportive of where I'm at despite it becoming hard to deal with when my head starts going west.

I know caving in is not an option but finding my way in this new life is driving me daft.

Can't go back and that's the problem - I know that's not an option and that's when my head starts going and I feel so utterly trapped by the way I am feeling - just want to scream at times - which I have done also , feel like I'm losing the plot at times.

Zanna

Andy - I'm not a fan of AA, but maybe if you phone their main number, someone might have some ideas of how best to cope? There are other support groups around. Someone that knows more than me, would be sure to help. Chatting can work wonders
Exercise is a great stress reliever too - I have a cross trainer that I take stress out on

MissPerfumado

You're not alone Andy. I'm at 8 months and I'd consider myself a super-optimistic cheerful type of person. Still I am recognising issues of anxiety and self-doubt in myself that I didn't know I had.

I truly get what you're saying about not being able to find the off-switch in your own head. The off-switch was booze for so long, now it's not available. Exercise helps ... the days I don't run or go to the gym I am more liable to feel anxious or start doubting something I've done, some decision I've made at work, something I've said to someone. There is a lot more positive self-talk I have to give myself these days to stop those feelings.

Isolating is something I do now and again too. I used to isolate when I was drinking because I liked drinking on my own. Lately I feel by about Thursday of the work week I desperately need a few hours on my own, just an afternoon or morning off from work to recharge. I have said to people who ask me if I miss anything about drinking that I do miss the off-switch it gave me.

Sometimes I think how is it I used to be able to go through my days not caring when now I seem to care about things too much?

Yesterday I met up with a friend I haven't seen in months. We had a drink in a new hip bar in the city - she had a glass of wine and I had a lemon lime and bitters - classic Australian non-alcoholic beverage. After one drink, I could not wait to get out of there.

But I would never go back to drinking. I got my life back and a big second chance, there's no doubt about that. Like you the challenge is now to learn to deal with living real life. I really think this is the part where recovery begins. At least for me it is. I am seeking out a counsellor with addiction experience to help me through the next phase.

All the best to you, mate. We all have to stick together here.

Dee74

Some of the things that have helped me are here Andy:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...f-respite.html

D

RedAndy

Same goes for me too with AA Zanna, it's just not for me - spiritual etc is something I am not and never will be despite finding some of the stuff quite useful - I've tried it and attended but it just doesn't sit right with me.

Exercise needs to be stepped up - was swimming 2 to 3k a day every other day whilst on holiday but apart from jumping on the bike last night my usual fitness regime has slipped again lately. Usually pretty regular in the gym.

Cheers Dee - yeah I have a couple of sessions of counselling a week and when I'm there I get things right in my head - I enjoy talking and that's when I feel good after the sessions but it soon swings back to driving me nuts and back again - the cycle just continues where I feel no matter what I'm told it's not going in other than talking about stuff - best laid plans an all that.

Zanna

I need to get back to work Hang in there Andy and was nice 'talking' to you

RedAndy

Thanks for the link there Dee - will have a read through those links later.

As you say it's the immediate gratification and relief that I'm searching for at times something we all know only too well - its when the trying hard to get all this right feels like its not working that it all comes tumbling down so quickly and the quick release and way out is required - reaching out and all the replies / knowing that others can relate definitely help those desperate feelings subside a bit.

Thanks guys appreciate the input as always.

cwood3

RedAndy, I have a question. Have you ever read any of the stories out of The Big Book? I am reading it right now, and it's a very interesting read. So many parallels. You can download it free off the internet...I can give you the link if ya want it.

RedAndy

thanks cwood - I have read it and agree it was interesting and yes there are parallels of that there's no doubt - it's just not for me the whole process and way of AA, I am not spiritual in any way shape or form and just can't do something that I really don't believe in - said it before I can see why it helps many people but I just don't feel comfortable with it unfortunately.