PuzzledHeart

Some of you know that there have been some health issues with my parents. This week my mom called me to tell me that my dad found a lump in his neck again. The lump he had last year was benign, so we're hoping that this is just the same PITA lump as last time.

My parents haven't bothered to tell my AS about it. Last year when they found the lump they tried to call her. I texted my sister after my pre-teen nieces found out and started to panic and freak out. She never responded. Of course this all happened on 4/20 so we can probably guess what was happening.

So I guess they don't want to go through the exercise of trying to contact her, waiting for her to reply, then getting angry when she doesn't.

Part of me feels like she SHOULD know but then part of me thinks I should just stay out of it. I wonder how much of my motivation for not contacting her is based on my inner spite bitch. Example of Spite Bitch Thinking: you didn't do anything when my dad found the lump the last time and so I'll just close you out of the loop as punishment. I don't want my thinking clouded by a desire for stupid vengeance.

But frankly, I DON'T want to talk to her. I still can remember when she said "I'm sorry but I can't help but start laughing" when I told her that mom had to undergo a psych eval after she threatened suicide. So am I just avoiding something that I'm obligated to do (inform siblings about parents' welfare)? Should I just tell her just to alleviate my conscience and let it go? Or just take the lead from my parents, and figure that if they haven't said anything, it's none of my business to get in between their business anyway, and breathe a sigh of relief that I'm not obligated to do anything at all? Or am I just as guilty of the deny/run away routine that my sister's perfected to a T?

I talked to a trusted friend and she told me that 1) this should be my parents' decision to disclose BUT 2) I could contact AS and say something like "Dad has some health issues. You should really talk to him." I'm thinking if I do contact her, this will be my take, and I'll only do so if there's evidence for more concern.

Thoughts?

Chino

What is the boundary? "I don't engage with toxic people" or something like that? If you can't define or establish the boundary then it isn't one.

"If you can't explain it simply you don't understand it well enough."

I like your friends suggestion.

Ann

If your sister wanted to know, being aware that there were issues before with this, then it's up to her to follow up...or not. And it's up to your parents to tell her...or not.

It's not a siblings duty to keep people in the loop who are capable of being in the loop themselves...or who choose not to be.

Perhaps a boundary might be "I will let others choose with whom they wish to communicate. If they try to put me in the middle or make me their spokesperson (when they are capable of speaking for themselves), I will step back and tell them that this is their responsibility and wish them well."

See how the boundary works? It's about you deciding what is right and healthy for you, and what you will and will not allow in your life and how you will handle it, should it happen.

Plink

Has she been in contact with them since the 1st health scare?

If she has then I would say that the parent's have the obligation of telling her. If not, then apparently she doesn't feel the need to know what's going on in their life!

I wouldn't give it another thought...

atalose

It sounds like the boundary here is one your parents set for themselves regarding not calling her to let her know about the new health issue.

I understand your quandary of emotions lies with do you call her and let her know or not. Try and allow your parents to lead on this one.

Spitebitch – has resentments towards her which is understandable but acting on those resentments will not benefit you and may cause you to have even more resentment.

I agree with that part of you.....

PuzzledHeart

Thanks so much for your input. I'm trying very hard not to go to the Big C in my thinking. Worrying about it today will not cure whatever is ailing my Dad, so really is no point in worrying about it at all.

My mom's next scan is the first week of September (so I'm trying to apply to Mom what I've applied to Dad) , and my husband told me today that he caught our 11YO son walking on the top ledge of a four story building this afternoon (although he's been very contrite since), so I've maxed out my worry meter at the moment.

So my current plan is not to say anything at all unless it is a Big Deal, and if that happens, I'll let my parents take the lead on telling/not telling instead of trying to fix everything in sight.