Near despair
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Join Date: May 2016
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Near despair
My grown kids both hate me. My son won't talk with me and my daughter bites my head off every time I talk with her. Today she told me she was taking a class and asked, Are you taking it at work or did you take the day off? That started the **** storm. I am trying so hard to be neutral and not upset her. Today I told her for the first time- I feel guilty for making you so angry and I don't mean to- i just think I am having a conversation and want to know how she is. she went into you have told me about feeling guilty since may 27- when i left- and that is not true, i never used the word guilty before. I have kept conversations upbeat- i am at the pool, i went to the movies. I just got off the phone with her and i have been crying my eyes out. I don't know what to do. I stayed in teh marriage for them, and they mean everything to me. NOw i am tempted to go back so they will forgive me. i am so conflicted. I should be back out at teh pool right now being happy and instead I am here sobbing. I think STBXAH is telling them I quit drinking and I will go to counselling and MOm won't- she is the bad one here. But I can't go back. I just can't take it anymore.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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You've been out only a few months. If I were you, I'd limit your contact with them. I know several people who went through the exact same scenario and dynamic and were estranged from their adult children for a while. Eventually the kids figured things out and they now have a good relationship.
I'm not sure how old your kids are, but young adults can be as difficult as teenagers at times. I'd give them a wide berth for now.
And do not for one SECOND consider going back because your kids are manipulating you into it.
I'm not sure how old your kids are, but young adults can be as difficult as teenagers at times. I'd give them a wide berth for now.
And do not for one SECOND consider going back because your kids are manipulating you into it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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qtpi......I have known sooo many situations like yours. Young adult children can be very confused within themselves...and they are still very self oriented. they don't have a lot of life experience and they can be shockingly selfish.
If it were me, I would not do any voluntary calling or contacting of them.
Take your own sabbatical from the guilt and the worry and the emotional pain that you are experiencing. Even that will be hard...I know!
Let them reach out to you.....and it may be very little or none for weeks, months, or years. But they will be back...trust me.
You are suffering more than anyone in the family...I would bet m y savings on that!
Please, Please, Please, get some more help. I know that you can't have the counselor,, any more...but there are other ways to get help.
Do it. Why NOT do it...?
You are suffering indescribable pain.....
There are group therapys...and groups are very good for this kind of pain. Because it is face to face with other humans that offer understanding and give you a shoulder to lean on!
groups are almost always much cheaper and many are nominal pr ice or even free.
I have no idea where, on the planet, you live....but, if you are in the United States...you can contact your country social services and ask for a social worker to find you a group for your needs.
You can ask you old counselor for a referral, also.
You can, also, search the internet for various groups.....
There is help and comfort for you...you just have to be a little proactive in finding it....There are, also, books on amazon that will offer you knowledge and comfort and validation.
Taking a step for YOURSELF will make you feel so much better..even if it is a baby step.....
Leave the kids alone...they will work it out for themselves....
Give it time...time...time... Ultimately, time is on your side!
dandylion
If it were me, I would not do any voluntary calling or contacting of them.
Take your own sabbatical from the guilt and the worry and the emotional pain that you are experiencing. Even that will be hard...I know!
Let them reach out to you.....and it may be very little or none for weeks, months, or years. But they will be back...trust me.
You are suffering more than anyone in the family...I would bet m y savings on that!
Please, Please, Please, get some more help. I know that you can't have the counselor,, any more...but there are other ways to get help.
Do it. Why NOT do it...?
You are suffering indescribable pain.....
There are group therapys...and groups are very good for this kind of pain. Because it is face to face with other humans that offer understanding and give you a shoulder to lean on!
groups are almost always much cheaper and many are nominal pr ice or even free.
I have no idea where, on the planet, you live....but, if you are in the United States...you can contact your country social services and ask for a social worker to find you a group for your needs.
You can ask you old counselor for a referral, also.
You can, also, search the internet for various groups.....
There is help and comfort for you...you just have to be a little proactive in finding it....There are, also, books on amazon that will offer you knowledge and comfort and validation.
Taking a step for YOURSELF will make you feel so much better..even if it is a baby step.....
Leave the kids alone...they will work it out for themselves....
Give it time...time...time... Ultimately, time is on your side!
dandylion
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I'm so sorry, Qtpi. You know what you put up with and why you had to leave. You also know that even if he's telling the kids that, it doesn't make it true. Going back to him won't make you any happier. And I don't think it'd truly make your kids any happier, but it's what's familiar to them and they'd be able to go back to ignoring the elephant in the room, so to speak.
Like Lexie pointed out, it's only been a few months and your kids may still be trying to adjust to the changes and may be taking their uncertainty and hurt out on you, because you're the safe parent to do that with. They can't do that with their dad, because they're not sure how he'll react. It doesn't make it right for them to do it and it doesn't make it any easier for you...
Sending hugs.
Like Lexie pointed out, it's only been a few months and your kids may still be trying to adjust to the changes and may be taking their uncertainty and hurt out on you, because you're the safe parent to do that with. They can't do that with their dad, because they're not sure how he'll react. It doesn't make it right for them to do it and it doesn't make it any easier for you...
Sending hugs.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
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My counselor said to me I should keep reaching out- if I don't, they will think, well Mom dumped Dad- I guess she dumped me too. Life is so much better on this side of leaving. I wish they could be happy for me. They saw the drinking growing up. They saw me being unhappy about it and they said they were unhappy about it. I just don't get it. I know they are young and selfish- but really. Come on. They are 26 and 28- both independent and successful and it's not like I saw them every weekend- they have their own. lives. It is time i had my own life too.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I respectfully disagree with your counselor. Your kids aren't little, and they are perfectly capable of reaching out to you if they need you. And if they DO, part of the deal is that they treat you with respect, or the conversation is OVER.
Boundaries, m'dear. Make some.
Boundaries, m'dear. Make some.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Yes. My dad used me as a weapon when my mother had enough and walked out. Sad to say, I didn't see his self-pity and irresponsible attitude for what it was at the time, and blamed her. I didn't talk for her for a while, but I did come round. Now, years later, I just don't see how she stayed as long as she did.
As a teen my words and attitude to my mother were vicious and unjustified. I was played and fell for it. I suppose I felt, as well, that she was leaving all of us (to be honest, that's what I was encouraged to think) and it didn't help that my younger brother had known what was going on for months and months whereas I'd been kept in the dark. I dunno. These things get complicated I guess. But they do sort themselves out with time.
Going back really isn't an answer. Be brave and tell them how things really are. Not the little details, but your reasons for leaving, and reassure them that just because you're no longer with their dad, it doesn't mean your love for them has changed at all. It may take a while for them to process all this, and accept how it is. But they can, and they no doubt will, given time.
As a teen my words and attitude to my mother were vicious and unjustified. I was played and fell for it. I suppose I felt, as well, that she was leaving all of us (to be honest, that's what I was encouraged to think) and it didn't help that my younger brother had known what was going on for months and months whereas I'd been kept in the dark. I dunno. These things get complicated I guess. But they do sort themselves out with time.
Going back really isn't an answer. Be brave and tell them how things really are. Not the little details, but your reasons for leaving, and reassure them that just because you're no longer with their dad, it doesn't mean your love for them has changed at all. It may take a while for them to process all this, and accept how it is. But they can, and they no doubt will, given time.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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qtpi.....you can take this for what it is worth...but, I think the more you do the reaching out is the number of times they will kick you in the teeth.
Will you find some kind of therapy for yourself....? This is just too hard to walk alone. they will come back...but it may be quite a ways down the road...
dandylion
Will you find some kind of therapy for yourself....? This is just too hard to walk alone. they will come back...but it may be quite a ways down the road...
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Now his alcoholism falls solely on their shoulders, you are no longer the buffer. They will have to deal with it head on and probably resent that.
But I think these young adults need to understand that we do have choses, we do have the right to be happy. And the sooner they accept that the better their lives will be.
I couldn't agree more with dandylion, stop calling them, stop being the one to always reach out.
But I think these young adults need to understand that we do have choses, we do have the right to be happy. And the sooner they accept that the better their lives will be.
I couldn't agree more with dandylion, stop calling them, stop being the one to always reach out.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: PA
Posts: 29
From reading your posts, I cannot tell which side of the drinking you are on. . . but no mind.
This is a family disease. It doesn't get better by rejoining the sickness.
This **** can go on for generations. The healing must start with someone. You don't have to abandon the family to seek a better way. I don't see much of my family, but my healing. . . . is their healing. It's the family healing.
This is a family disease. It doesn't get better by rejoining the sickness.
This **** can go on for generations. The healing must start with someone. You don't have to abandon the family to seek a better way. I don't see much of my family, but my healing. . . . is their healing. It's the family healing.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 22
How is it their business that you left your husband? It's not like you abandoned them, they don't even live at home anymore if I read you correctly (and even if they were, at 26 that would be their own choice). What is it they dislike about the situation? I absolutely do not understand how they could be angry at you, and for what.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
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Posts: 6,047
qtpi, I agree with the posters who suggest you step back a bit. You don't need this nasty feedback from them, especially as you have nothing to feel guilty about, so for your own peace of mind try to concentrate on building your own life.
They can maintain the rage as long as they feel you'll chase after them. Some time to themselves will give them space to think, and work a few things out.
Honestly, at their age their reaction seems immature and juvenile but I've no doubt they'll eventually come around. You know you left for good reasons, and you have the right to be happy. Your AH could be sober for the rest of his life but it won't take away the unhappy years.
Stand proud, and look after yourself.
They can maintain the rage as long as they feel you'll chase after them. Some time to themselves will give them space to think, and work a few things out.
Honestly, at their age their reaction seems immature and juvenile but I've no doubt they'll eventually come around. You know you left for good reasons, and you have the right to be happy. Your AH could be sober for the rest of his life but it won't take away the unhappy years.
Stand proud, and look after yourself.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Some young people are, unfortunately, very selfish. My late husband's children were adults already when we met. His wife had passed 2.5+ years before we met. Yet we always felt we had to walk on eggshells around them (son is an alcoholic and addict and the reason I joined this community). My stepdaughter, especially, ruled(s) the roost and has never been completely accepting of my role in her father's life even though her mother was no longer living.
I wish I had some brilliant advice, but I hope that you will live your life away from the chaos and abuse of your spouse. My hope for you is that your children will eventually realize that this world does not revolve around them. Love them, perhaps from a distance for a time, and hopefully they will come around.
I wish I had some brilliant advice, but I hope that you will live your life away from the chaos and abuse of your spouse. My hope for you is that your children will eventually realize that this world does not revolve around them. Love them, perhaps from a distance for a time, and hopefully they will come around.
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after i got out of a relationship that was quite unhealthy i started feeling guilty-like i didnt do enough.
talking to a good friend, he said," ya know,tom, youre the only one responsable for your feelings, so youre the only one making you feel guilty."
talking to a good friend, he said," ya know,tom, youre the only one responsable for your feelings, so youre the only one making you feel guilty."
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Alanon, the real life version of this forum, (minus unsolicited advice) is an anonymous meeting because this sort of thing (nasty reactions from family) is part of the game.
This sort of disease affects the "group consciousness" almost as much as it does the alcoholic. The healing process is going to affect everyone and the disease doesn't like that. It will attack anything that tries to inhibit it's control.
Healing quietly is sometimes necessary before bolder moves can be made. Obviously, if every time you try to heal something results in hate you will need to be stronger.
I don't exactly promote that you give up on people that you love, but I also don't promote that you get pulled into the disease. The people here have experience. While we might not like how things are we gain a confidence that we do and did the best that we could. If nothing else, it gives us a serenity that helps us survive the madness.
This sort of disease affects the "group consciousness" almost as much as it does the alcoholic. The healing process is going to affect everyone and the disease doesn't like that. It will attack anything that tries to inhibit it's control.
Healing quietly is sometimes necessary before bolder moves can be made. Obviously, if every time you try to heal something results in hate you will need to be stronger.
I don't exactly promote that you give up on people that you love, but I also don't promote that you get pulled into the disease. The people here have experience. While we might not like how things are we gain a confidence that we do and did the best that we could. If nothing else, it gives us a serenity that helps us survive the madness.
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Join Date: May 2016
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Sandraxia- I was very surprised myself at their attitude. I thought they would understand. But both of them love their Dad very much- and because I made the decision to end the marriage- whereas he wants to stay married, they are angry at me. STBXAH is charming, intelligent, manipulative- a house devil, street angel sort- seems like he has it all together. Yes they did see the drunk times- but he was a successful at work, functioning alcoholic- who mistreated and neglected me. After a very serious episode of abuse in February, I insisted he be evaluated by a drug/ alcohol counselor who confirmed to me that he is an alcoholic . AH thought an apology and a promise to stop drinking was enough. NO rehab or AA though. Now what he is saying to the kids and everyone who will listen is I gave up drinking for her, I would go to counselling with her, she left me without telling me- woe is me. I want her back. So they want me to go back to him but I have explained about relapse- but the main thing is it is my life and I am not going back- . I am 62 years old- I put up with this for over 30 years and I am done.
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I'm not going to pretend to be an expert here but I do want to offer ((((Hugs)))).
It can't be easy to be blindsided like this, especially when you're only trying to get away from an abusive, escalating issue.
Do your kids know anything about addiction, really? I'm guessing not - and that they don't consider themselves impacted by all of this so the odds of them being receptive to al-anon or like-kind reading is probably a non-starter?
IF that's the case, you can only control what you can control, right? They are largely ignorant so they literally can't see your point of view, but you can lower your expectations of what you expect out of them in that way. They are old enough to seek out information on their own or not.
More will be revealed - he can't coast on this -----> "saying to the kids and everyone who will listen is I gave up drinking for her, I would go to counselling with her, she left me without telling me- woe is me. I want her back." .... forever.
Nod & smile & keep your chin up & detach, detach, detach. "I'm sorry you see it that way dear" & keep on keeping on...... we all know how progression works. The reality will start hitting all of them soon enough.
It can't be easy to be blindsided like this, especially when you're only trying to get away from an abusive, escalating issue.
Do your kids know anything about addiction, really? I'm guessing not - and that they don't consider themselves impacted by all of this so the odds of them being receptive to al-anon or like-kind reading is probably a non-starter?
IF that's the case, you can only control what you can control, right? They are largely ignorant so they literally can't see your point of view, but you can lower your expectations of what you expect out of them in that way. They are old enough to seek out information on their own or not.
More will be revealed - he can't coast on this -----> "saying to the kids and everyone who will listen is I gave up drinking for her, I would go to counselling with her, she left me without telling me- woe is me. I want her back." .... forever.
Nod & smile & keep your chin up & detach, detach, detach. "I'm sorry you see it that way dear" & keep on keeping on...... we all know how progression works. The reality will start hitting all of them soon enough.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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qtpi.....I am so glad to hear your resolve to protect yourself. That is so important--to value yourself.
You have been through enough pain. It is time for you to have some joy in your life.
we were put on this earth to thrive...not just exist.
I can not minimize how much your feelings are hurt by your children, though.
That is very real...and, frankly, will take time for you to stop feeling so raw.
Your kids still have a lot to learn about life.
You have been through enough pain. It is time for you to have some joy in your life.
we were put on this earth to thrive...not just exist.
I can not minimize how much your feelings are hurt by your children, though.
That is very real...and, frankly, will take time for you to stop feeling so raw.
Your kids still have a lot to learn about life.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
qtpi-
I just want to say we are here. You don't have to go through this alone. I can sympathize with both sides. About 5 yrs ago, my parents went through a very rough patch. I almost lost it. I couldn't imagine my life without my parents together. I thought of holidays, my kids reactions, just every awful thing you can imagine. I was 35 years old!!! I didn't rely on them or live with them but it truly felt like my entire world was shattered. My Dad clearly was in the wrong but it surprised me that I had such strong feelings against my Mom. I wanted her to just stay and not make wave. I didn't want my life to change! They are working on it and are together but it really could have gone either way.
I am now in Al-Anon and hope to think I could handle something like this better now. My eyes have truly been opened to some of my own behavior and that of my parents. Things I have struggled with in my relationship with my mother, I can now clearly see how her issues with being an ACOA shaped her and then passed it onto me.
Bottom line, your kids will seek out recovery when they are ready just as you did. You yourself stated how many years you stayed in the marriage.....they will see it in their time. Stay strong and take care of YOURSELF now.
Hugs,
Jaeger
I just want to say we are here. You don't have to go through this alone. I can sympathize with both sides. About 5 yrs ago, my parents went through a very rough patch. I almost lost it. I couldn't imagine my life without my parents together. I thought of holidays, my kids reactions, just every awful thing you can imagine. I was 35 years old!!! I didn't rely on them or live with them but it truly felt like my entire world was shattered. My Dad clearly was in the wrong but it surprised me that I had such strong feelings against my Mom. I wanted her to just stay and not make wave. I didn't want my life to change! They are working on it and are together but it really could have gone either way.
I am now in Al-Anon and hope to think I could handle something like this better now. My eyes have truly been opened to some of my own behavior and that of my parents. Things I have struggled with in my relationship with my mother, I can now clearly see how her issues with being an ACOA shaped her and then passed it onto me.
Bottom line, your kids will seek out recovery when they are ready just as you did. You yourself stated how many years you stayed in the marriage.....they will see it in their time. Stay strong and take care of YOURSELF now.
Hugs,
Jaeger
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