Bad dream

Old 08-24-2016, 03:33 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Bad dream

I had a terrible dream. There was war going on here in the US and I was stranded in a bad city. My first instinct was to call exA and he picked up and got me.

If I was really in trouble I don't know who I could call. It is so upsetting to know that I'm no longer a priority in his life and if something bad were to happen I don't know if he'd be there. We did leave a channel open "if it's an emergency" but do we really mean it when we say those things to our exes?

It's not always so serious though, there are times when funny things come up and the only person who would "get it" is exA. Even small victories with the house I don't have anyone to enjoy it with that would understand right now... my friends wouldn't understand on the same level. He was my closest friend for years and while we didn't have the greatest relationship we did have bonds and more inside jokes than I realized. It's also hitting me that he's been with this other person for months now and I'm here still mourning and I can't imagine I'm much of a thought to him anymore. For some reason right now it feels kind of fresh.

I really, really miss having a partner, someone I can share things with. It wasn't all bad with exA. No, my emotional needs were not being met but he really was like a best friend I did everything with. This is why I can't wait to go no contact. Talking about anything, even the house in a group chat sends me down this awful depressing spiral. Would going no contact be me avoiding these feelings? I don't want to avoid them if it's going to prevent me from truly healing because I just want to be completely over this. I feel like my healing clock hasn't even really started yet and it's so frustrating because it's been over five months already.

I haven't woken up in tears in ages. That dream was pretty intense
Expanding is offline  
Old 08-24-2016, 04:48 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 105
Oh Expanding. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I know, believe me when I say this, I know how you feel. Dont be so hard on yourself. You will go no contact when you are ready. It took me 5 months after I moved out to go no contact. I felt I was ready. Today is day 2 for me and although I miss him, I am not terribly depressed. I think each day will get better. And some days it will be very very difficult - But better than being lied to every single day of your life. And for me, just being terrified that any day I will have to witness a seizure. So stay strong. You are loved. You are amazing!
HopingForCure is offline  
Old 08-24-2016, 04:51 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
redatlanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I'm sorry you had such a vivid dream......they are disturbing.

IME "counting" on an Ex in an emergency is a crap shoot. Actually, why count on them for anything? Especially one that has moved on to another relationship. Hopefully, you will not experience any kind of emergency.

I don't think it would be in your best interest to go no contact while the house is on the market. I mean, I suppose you could ask the realtor to text you separately. This is a pretty big business transaction so I would stay in the loop. He seems to be cooperative - you need that until the business is over with. You mentioned he is texting you outside of the group texts I believe? If its not anything to do with the house sale just don't engage.

Its hard to move on when you are still in contact. No, I don't think going no contact "avoids" the feelings, it helps not "create" them. I'd much rather deal with a cooperative Ex in situations like this than a jerk - that's really hard. But a cooperative ex brings its own problems......like seeing them in a better light than what the reality is. Statements like "It wasn't that bad all the time"....start a path of forgetting that it WAS really bad, awful.

I am hoping the house sells quickly, and that you can be done with it soon. Other than letting you know someone is viewing the house is there reason for group texts? Sounds like there is more than necessary?
redatlanta is offline  
Old 08-24-2016, 05:11 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
We received an offer so the group texting is working out all those little details to get the process moving.

You're right Atlanta and I want to say I even offered this as advice to someone else, go figure... I'm seeing the nice and cooperative sides of him and it's clouding my judgment. I'm only seeing quick bits and pieces and it's nothing compared to the day to day of loneliness, stubbornness and emotional disconnect. So while so far it's been pretty easy and I can get out sooner it's certainly playing with my emotions. I haven't seen him drunk in months and almost wish I could just so I could get that confirmation again. I'm getting confused.

This disease is so sneaky, no wonder it fools us for so long.
Expanding is offline  
Old 08-24-2016, 05:46 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Hi E

Sorry you have to deal with this. I went through a long stretch of having nightmares (had them before separation too, always shortly before relapse happening). Mine involved my child getting injured while in care of ex. Or lost. Nothing worse than that.

Then, about 4 months into separation I started having dreams of good times, and woke up, and ended up crying because ex was not next to me.

I agree that NC is not avoiding feelings, and modified version of it helped me (I asked to communicate via e-mail, which is another issue, because he is such a great writer).

I do miss partnership, laughs, watching movies together, but when he offered to maintain friendship to preserve those things - I said I am not there yet (probably will never be).

The most helpful thing was a list of reasons I am divorcing him. When I start getting "touchy feely", I pull out the list and read it. Plus, he continues to behave in extremely self-absorbed way when it comes to visits with son - so this behaviour helps in a way not to pine over him,

The hardest part was 4 months after separation. Divorce is now final and it feels better.
Nata1980 is offline  
Old 08-24-2016, 05:58 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I remember driving one night, shortly after my separation, and thinking, WHO would I call if I got a flat tire and needed a ride or something? I felt a sense of panic.

Well, I've discovered that friends and neighbors are more than willing to help. I don't have a lot of super-close friends, but when I had a medical procedure a couple of months ago, requiring that I be driven home, I got scolded by my co-worker (who lives more than half an hour away from me) for using medical transport. She offered to drive me, but I'd already made the arrangements, so I thanked her and promised to call when I got home so she'd know I was OK.

I now have a number of people I could call in an emergency.

I also remember, one of the things that motivated me to get sober was that I had become so isolated I was beginning to feel if I dropped dead, no one would come to the funeral. It's funny, because I've always held the firm belief that the dead couldn't care less about how the living send them off, but it was symbolic of the fact that I had become so isolated.

I do have people I can share inside jokes with. I don't feel a gaping hole in my life because I'm not in a relationship. It fills in.
LexieCat is offline  
Old 08-24-2016, 06:03 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Eauchiche's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,790
Whenever I start feeling this way, I ask myself: "What would we talk about?" When we were together, we rarely talked, just sat there and drank. That used to work. When I got sober, it didn't work any more.

I understand your fear of having someone to go to in an emergency. I currently have NO ONE either. In fact, I often hope that if something happens to me, it happens on a workday, where at least people at work would miss me.

This is a time to remember that our Higher Power, whom I call God, will look out for us.

Hang in there, and keep coming back for support.
Eauchiche is online now  
Old 08-24-2016, 07:38 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Expanding.....everything that you mentioned in your post is totally normal and EXPECTED, at this time (5mo.)......
Have you ever talked to someone who has lost a husband or wife to death?
If you did, you would find that they miss all the same things that you do.
It is the little things...the inside jokes...it is the knowing each other's life so well that they automatically "know " what you are talking about. (you don't have to explain every damn thing to them)....
Sharing of all the familiar things. Lots of different things ae m issed, but these things seem to be the most.
For those who lose a spouse through death....they go through, roughly, a calendar year of this acute phase of adjustment.....
This mean that you have seven more months of these kinds of NORMAL feelings.
With my husband that passed...I had made most of the "house" kinds of plans and decisions....like--when to do some landscaping, putting in a dog door, making a Christmas shopping list, etc. But, it felt right when I had passed everything in front of him and he said "I think that is a good idea".
Especially, when he reminded me that my rude half sisters were as crazy as Homer Simpson's sisters-in-law....lol...

YES...YES..your healing clock has been going for 5 months. What you are experiencing IS grieving! You are smack in the middle of it.
***The first step of healing is grieving. So, grieving and healing are occurring simultaneously! It is happening, right this minute.
Now, it is true that the more often that you have contact...the longer it is drawn out. The fastest way through it is to go completely no contact...but, you say that this isn't possible due to the house, right now....

I wish that you belonged to a grieving group. You can find them everywhere, these days. It has become more common for those who have broken up a relationship to attend a grieving group....it is no longer considered just for those who have suffered a death of a partner...

***for those who are single...I have found that close girlfriends (and sometimes, platonic male friends) serve the same purpose that an intimate partner can...for the familiar things of daily living....
They are the ones that you share the little things with....

Why don't you visit a nursing home or a senior living community and interview some of the residents who have lost partners".....They LOVE to share the details..and they have more compassion than you would think (even if they are over 60!).....

You ask if you would be avoiding the feelings.....it is not POSSIBLE to avoid the feelings. You are going to feel...no matter what you do.
There is no "around it"...it is only through it.

This is LIFE....

dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 08-24-2016, 08:11 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Dandy thank you

I think what is throwing me off is my comparison of myself to exA. Seemingly moving along no problem already 5 months into seeing someone else. It doesn't seem fair that I'm struggling to keep it together and he's off gallivanting around enjoying the summer. I feel like I'm light years behind where I "should" be when I look at myself next to him. Logically I know this isn't the case but it's so frustrating trying to do the right thing I'm only one month away from the longest consecutive stretch I've ever been single and I can see why... I turn into a super lonely bundle of emotion
Expanding is offline  
Old 08-24-2016, 08:16 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Expanding...have you ever heard of "fools gold"......?
Think of him as the giddy discoverer of a pot of fools gold.....

(you can google it...lol...)

***If you are looking for the "fair" within a relationship with an addict...or even during a breakup with an addict...there is no "fair".
dandylion is offline  
Old 08-24-2016, 10:15 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
firebolt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
The last dream I had about XABF was a nightmare - that he was stumbling to bed drunk and yelling about something I had done. I woke up in a sweat and in tears and realized I was in my own safe, calm apartment.

Your dreams will shift as time goes on.

I echo what was said above. I think we DO have people to reach out to, it's just that we've fixated on reaching out the the wrong one for so long we can't see it. Remember - part of the reason we so desperately wanted out is because they CANNOT live up to reasonable expectations in a reciprocal partnership. Because we know this, wanting it from them is just our sickness talking.

I caught my first fish on a flyrod early this year and after I had gone NC with the ex. All I wanted to do was call the X and tell him - he was my epic fishing buddy after all...

Then it occurred to me, my dad who was lying in a hospital bed dying of brain cancer at the time would love to hear my story. He fished off and on, and had wanted to take it up again so he could fish with me, but we just never did. DUH. The man took up watching soccer just so he could talk to me about the games. Why the hell would I want to run and tell someone who actually turned something I loved into something I dreaded (because alcohol goes so well with fishing)?! When the whole time I already had someone I could relate to with deep appreciation of something that made me so happy....and made him so happy to hear about.

I always argued XABF - what if I cut my finger off cooking? We live in the country and on any given day you couldn't drive me to the hospital! Well - we did have neighbors, and I am actually close to 2 of them, and they could drive me to the hospital - let alone I can always call 911.

What I'm saying is WE set up a situation in our heads where we feel SO reliant on someone else. It's a lie. It's our addictive voice talking. You are much more self sufficient than you think - and I'm guessing you have some really great people around you as well. We just have to shift our focus to US.
firebolt is offline  
Old 08-24-2016, 01:48 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
The part about the "addictive voice" is so true. I've started really digging into love addiction and addictive love cycles... it's like my AV is trying to convince me I need exA in my life by showing me that I could DIE if he's not around. Sounds extreme but in my dream my life was in danger and he came to the rescue. It sheds more light on the fact that exA also has an AV and it's showing him things like that all the time too...

Some major food for thought
Expanding is offline  
Old 08-24-2016, 05:27 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
teatreeoil007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
hug to you

Sounds like you could use a big hug, E.

Well, we cannot control our dreams, and we cannot always control our feelings. To some extent I'd like to believe we have some control over where our thoughts meander to....I know for myself, if I get to thinking too much about a certain line of thought, it can dredge up feelings and that can be not so good for you right now as you are trying to get over this past relationship. How to overcome this? Well, try not to think about WHAT the ex is doing and WHO he is currently with. Sure there was/is something good about him or you would have never been with him in the first place. But, for obvious reasons the relationship turned out to not be good for you....and you deserve to be in a relationship that is good, good for you, and right. I found it helpful when trying to get over unpleasant feelings to write, like you've already done...reaching out to help others is also a good thing...and realize you're not alone. He probably has his share of regrets and in all likelihood his current relationship is not ideal by any means. Hang in there...
teatreeoil007 is offline  
Old 08-24-2016, 06:02 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
As for self reliance - completely true. All of my family is across the ocean, but I have a few friends, our nanny, and my son's friends parents to call in emergency. I had fewer people to call when I was married to A - was much more isolated.
Nata1980 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:25 PM.