anchoredbylove

My boyfriend is a recovering addict and his family (although we arent married we've been together for close to 10 years, and we consider each others families in laws), who was hardly there before the addiction and during are trying to be present now that he has decided to become clean. They are driving me nuts! Why now? They should've been there all along! I know the sincerely care but its overkill. Texting everyday, telling them they love him everyday (they arent the type of family who would usually do that), how proud they are of him (shouldnt you always be proud of your kids?), he knows its too much but wont say anything! And quite frankly its putting a rift in our relationship. I just dont want this to effect our lives and happiness, his recovery, and our family (me, him and our daughter). I have been there through all the good and bad and have seen how his family has treated him beforehand and now. I'm just not sure what I should do, Its driving me insane! Has anyone dealt with this, or have any advice?

dandylion

anchoredby love....yes, I have dealt with inlaws in 2 marriages.
I learned a hard lesson...but, one that should be written in stone...
It is this.
The relationship with his family is between HIM and THEM. It is on his side of the street and it is HIS job to deal with them. No matter what you think about them.
You deal with your family...He deals with his family. You two deal with each other.

by the way....in the big picture of things....it really doesn't matter, anyway...because if he wants recovery he will work for it...no matter what you and his family do or don't do.

dandylion

AnvilheadII

so, you are upset because HIS family is......expressing love and pride in how he is conducting his life, and the changes he has made?? by text.

and this is causing a RIFT between you two?

i heartily concur with Dandylion.....let HIM deal with HIS family, however HE chooses. we each have to own and have dominion over our own STUFF.

hope778

anchoredbylove -- I understand. When AH first came out about his drug addiction, we were (obviously) strapped for money. Treatment centers (obviously) cost money, and lots of it. His mom could tell me much of the back story, about how she felt for a while that something was going on, didn't know how to tell me, (keep in mind she - and many others in his family and in our "friend" group - decided to never mention anything to me) we got married, pregnant, blah BLAH. And instead of helping even in the slightest financially to get him into a clinic, she bought a new dog. Guess who stepped up and helped? MY parents. Livid doesn't even begin to describe how I felt/feel at times.

Now she cares, worries, texts, etc. Yeah, that is a wound of mine that is still needing some healing.

My advice, is to allow yourself to see right through it, don't step in the middle of him and his family (as others stated above) and continue to work on YOUR recovery.

hope778

Ugh, typing and then re-reading what I've typed above makes my blood boil. That is only one tiny example of his families involvement (or lack thereof) in his addiction/recovery journey. Yes, I understand. SUCKS.

atalose

How much good and bad did his family witness and deal with before you came along?

The only way this is going to effect your lives and happiness is if YOU let it.

His family, allow him to deal with them as he see's fit.

AWorriedFather

I'm fairly new at this but I can see myself being in the same corner as your in-laws. It's not that I don't want to "help" my son and give him everything I can, but I am learning that almost everything I give while he is using is somehow converted into enabling his addiction. The best thing I can do for my son is nothing right now and hold my boundaries firm. Now that your boyfriend is clean, your in-laws might be attempting to make up for lost time, loving him in the way they only know how and always wanted. Admittedly, their behavior might be unhealthy, but this can explain the radical change in behavior.

I'm not sure if you can comprehend a drug addict's parent's corner. Just one aspect of my pain, every time I wake up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, which seems to be more frequent as I age, I wonder if I just received a sign that my son has died. I experience this insomnia several times a week. My son has been to ER six times this year. It hurts to care and this particular pain just scratches the surface.

Ann

Dandylion, these are the wisest words I have heard in a long time.

Anchoredbylove, could it be that you feel hurt because you are the one who went through all the chaos and pain, and now that all is well the parents get to share the joy of his recovery? (Very valid feelings).

As a parent I can tell you that my son has been missing and lost in his addiction for over 10 years. I had to let go, his addiction was killing me. Should he get clean, I would welcome him back to my life. If there was a girlfriend who perhaps shared these hard years with him, she might feel like you do.

I would hope that where there is recovery and joy, there is enough love to go around for everyone.

I am happy for you and your child and husband, and hope the healing continues for each of you.

Hugs

anchoredbylove

I appreciate everyones advice, theres alot more to the back story that I left out. His family has never been that close, ie. not the type to say i love you, im proud of you, keep up the good work, hows your day. hows things. etc. Theyve always been ones to give tough love, his dad especially. They'd throw out low blows here and there like you're an alcoholic/druggie (they thought it was only pot) loser, you look like a hoodlum (because of his tattoos), etc. We went to family counseling session before he was out of rehab, and before he was in the room with us we met with his cousenlor alone. They all turned against me and said that its my fault he continued to use heroin. Which i didnt. Am i guilty for giving him money, yes, am i guilty for not saying anything to him sooner, yes. But at the end of the day its his addiction and unless he wanted help, i couldve caused him to get more lost in his addiction. And i shouldve said something to them sooner. They all knew something was going on, they could tell by how he acted. Nobody said anything. Thats a violation of his trust, and i couldve lost him metaphorically and physically because of the backlash from it. Now i didnt know his addiction was as bad as it was, nor did i think he was shooting heroin, i thought he occasionally snorted it (which isnt any better, i know). I know its been a battle and its been on and off with him. Obviously there was lying involved and he was very good at hiding it. He was never home to spend time with me and our daughter, but other times he was present a lot. They never took the time to verbalize caring about him. It's causing tension between us because it also bothers him but won't say anything. He said just let it go, theyre trying to rekindle a relationship that isnt there. I probably sound extremely selfish, and im not trying to be, I understand its tough from all aspects. But nobody shoud be a part time parent no matter how old your kid is. I know he feels the same way i do, why now? It came to the point where he didnt want to come home after rehab because we live with his parents, he went to a sober house. Which is obviously great because he needs all the continuing care to stay sober. I know as a parent you naturally feel guilty. But for him to say oh so all i needed to do was become a drug addict to get attention?, is really heartbreaking. Hes not one to verbalize, and i hope he'll get to that point.

anchoredbylove

They havent seen much good and bad. They didnt even know how long hes been using drugs recreationally or heavily. Which has been since hes been 14 dabbling in weed, and pills and such. So almost 14 years? I know i have to let a lot go, but like i said hes not one to open up and speak his mind, and i want him to be entriely happy, not just keep the water calm to make things easier. He can only put it off for so long before it becomes to much for him and im afraid itll test his sobriety. I understand its his sobriety and his recovery and he has control of it. Its just all very hard to deal with.

anchoredbylove

I can related all to well to you, his mom didnt know much of his addiction though. She just claims she saw a difference in him over the years. I knew he dabbled in drugs before us, I've been friends with him since we were 7, and its 20 years later now. I thought we had a firm understanding i did not like. nor want to tolerate drug use. Occasionally smoking pot was fine, that didnt bother me. But obviously it grew into other things and it snowballed down to where we were before rehab. His family is great, but they think they know whats best for him. They hardly even know him. And they blame me for ruining their relationships. I literally dont have anything to do with how often they talk, meet, etc. I know i need to work on my recovery but i just feel i need this resolved to continue with our life. I'm over all of the awful things that have happened between him and i due to his addiction as long as he continues to put in the work , which hes been very avid about doing. I just feel him and i would have so much stress relieved if he just told them how he felt and built healthy boundaries like his counselor suggested. Stay strong!

tomsteve

youre living with his parents must be hard.
but here is an idea:
why don't both of you be adults and sit down with the parents and have a conversation with the parents about how you are feeling? don't point fingers,though. keep your words about you, using "I" statements.
set boundaries,too.
or you can keep avoiding it and let it keep destroying you while it doesn't bother them at all.
its more powerful to speak up than silently resent.
and resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

HappyPoppy

I think the more that you try to rescue your partner from his family, the more that you'll be hurt and blamed. A relationship is between two people. When a third party enters the relationship, it becomes a drama triangle. I agree in letting him deal with his family and you protecting yourself by maintaining your boundaries and distance.

It helped my marriage by stepping out of the love triangle between my husband and his mother. I was so focused on her being the problem, that I didn't see the role I was playing. I was trying to protect my husband from her, but I ended up becoming the scapegoat for their long-standing issues.

Now that I've distanced myself from her, my husband doesn't have me to buffer the relationship and he has taken a step back from her as well.

anchoredbylove

Tomsteve- It's really tough, we've tried to sit down with his family, and it wasnt successful. I've tried to talk to them myself about my feelings on where i stand, they just yes me to death, tell me i'm wrong and then continue to do what theyre doing.

HappyPoppy, I've distanced myself from them now, and i'm trying to let life take its course. He's beginning to set boundaries and I hope the truth comes out eventually. His mother has been acting immature and avoiding talking to me and going straight to my boyfriend. I got upset but I let it go.

He's afraid if he speaks up they'll kick us out, I dont think thats the case at all. Because i think they're smart enough to know if I go, he goes as well as our daughter. After he's stable and comfortable with life, he'll eventually move out of the sober house and we'll get our own place. We talked the other night and i think the best decision is for him not to come back to a place that causes him so much stress and anxiety. While it is home for us, we'll create a new one elsewhere with a positive environment.

Kindeyes

Very wise words.....