TimeForMe

So, we're fast approaching the date of the divorce (8/31). Things have been relatively quiet with STBXAH. We've hammered out the details of the divorce agreement. I need some info from him, so I texted and asked him for it. He called so I answered. BIG mistake.

He asked me about an item that I thought was resolved (my attorney said his attorney agreed with me on it) and I told him that information. He accused me of taking advantage of him and asking what he ever did to make me hate him so much. I told him I would not have a conversation where he was insulting me and told him I was hanging up, and if he had any questions he could talk to his attorney. I finally hung up after he said "you never loved me anyway."

My brain KNOWS this is quacking and he is saying it to be hurtful on purpose, but it still hurts. Someone posted a saying about our qualifiers know how to push our buttons because they are the ones that put them there. I am trying to remember that. He is calling me back right now, and I am not going to answer.

I am concerned that he will do something that pushes the divorce off, just to be spiteful. He did not want the divorce. I just want this part of my life to be OVER so I can move on. At the therapist today (why does something always happen right after I leave the therapist??), she told me to envision the future after the divorce. I said it feels like I am standing behind a huge boulder and although I know there is a road on the other side, I cannot even fathom seeing it right now.

I am completely overwhelmed and am trying to put STBXAH's comments into perspective. He is hurting and wants me to hurt. That logic sucks but it is what's happening. I just want to move on. I'm tired of grieving and tired of being sad and tired of panicking every time the phone rings.

This pain I am experiencing after leaving is a completely different kind of suck than the pain I was experiencing living with an active alcoholic. But it's still pain.

I think I just needed to get this out. Jiminy Cricket I am tired of this nonsense!!!!!!

thousandwords53

Your user name says it all: Time for ME.
If you can deal with living with an active A, I am sure that you can get through this. The hard stuff is almost 100% behind you.
Thinking of you

Bekindalways

Argh TFM, this sounds super hard.

In your situation, I would have picked up the phone too.

I so hope this next week goes smoothly and you get to the other side of the boulder.

NYCDoglvr

This sums up my recovery perfectly:

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”