Sandraxia

Hello there,

I am new to this forum and hope to get some advice or new perspectives here. My father had migraines his entire life and has been addicted to prescription drugs as long as I can remember (I am 28). My mother lost her own family completely (many tragic deaths, the rest is alienated) and is a complete doormat and co-dependent. He overdoses regularly, my brothers and I then get calls from someone (usually my father's father) crying and sending us to the hospital (AGAIN). I strongly suspect my father exaggerates the migraines, since they always come when someone criticises him or doesn't comply with his wishes. He then overdoses not taking 2 or 3, but typically 20 strong pain killers or sleeping pills at a time.

A few weeks ago, my mom and brother went on a holiday with my brother's girlfriend and child. On Tuesday everything seemed good, on Wednesday I get a call that my father has tried to commit suicide and is in a coma, with only my grandfather (whose wife died last year) to attend him. So I ask my boyfriend to drive us there (felt too shaky to drive) and we arrive to him sitting upright in his hospital bed, trying to expose himself to the nurses. Insulting my grandfather for saving his life, we should have just let him die etc. At this point, I believe everyone but my grandfather would be happy to be rid of him. He sits in our house like a fat spider, manipulating everyone to cater to his needs (my mother runs around cooking, working, cleaning up after his messy habits, trying to hide the meds and the like). I have a profound contempt for him and his egoism, I abhor his sight or even to hear him breathe (obnoxiously loud, I am not making this up, he has a chronically blocked nose but is too fat for surgery), so I used this opportunity to try and quit contact.

I wrote both parents identical letters saying, hey parents, your marriage sucks, I'll see you again when you have separated (they have been talking about separation for the last 10 years, strongly encouraged by their 3 kids to separate).
I wrote identical letters though I love my mom dearly and miss her, but I knew he would find a way to take it out on her, blame her for it. And already my grandfather is trying to manipulate me back in, meaning well but primarily for his son (he has another son but somehow... the other son always doing well... he doesn't care about him as much). So I've been back for 3 hours yesterday to celebrate my brother's degree, and I already regret it, though my grandfather thanked me tearfully (then pulled me in a hug, to whisper in my ear that I should hug my father). I hate being manipulated this way (though of course I said no).

My problems:
- I am still feeling bad about having broken no contact
- I am still feeling trapped because my mom doesn't separate and there is no way I can peacefully visit my home and my brothers and mom without spiderfatty being there whom I hate (it's more than hate, it's actual disgust at his happy babyface while he is abusing everyone), it's so unfair
- I cannot stop thinking about this (despite weekly therapy sessions and a demanding life), I always want to solve this problem but I realize only my parents can solve their relationship problems - They are just SO HORRIBLY BAD at solving problems!
- I am increasingly angry at my mom for letting all of this happen, deflecting any arguments for a separation (she hates my father's guts, but is afraid of... whatever, change? financial repercussion?) and generally expecting me to live a happy, productive life while providing absolutely no example to follow.

I am constantly unhappy, anxious, depressed, demotivated, you name it. Cannot find joy in anything, even (especially) the things I generally look forward to. Having gone no contact, I expected things to get better... but I am still waiting for the next phonecall relating desaster.

Any suggestions?

LexieCat

Wow, I really feel for you.

My only suggestion is to go no contact for REAL (you can comfort your mom after he dies, if he actually does), and find a good therapist to help get you back on track with living your life. You can still maintain contact with your siblings if you have a good relationship with them in general and just make the boundary that you won't have discussions about your parents and their problems.

Big hugs,

Sandraxia

Thank you, LexieCat. My concern is that he will never die, he has more or less tried to kill himself for the last 20 years (DUI (with children on board), overdosing, eating tons of icecream when he has diabetes, randomly changing and mixing his medication against epilepsy, migraines, and parkinson's. Nothing ever did anything. Not even a pneumonia that he got in hospital and took home with him, refusing medication. He seems immortal and my mom looks very fragile in comparison. I'm afraid he will outlive her... and then what? I've never seen my mom because I didn't want to see my dad?

My other concern is that there is something I should do. You know, let it all out, stand up to his abuse, tell him how angry I am and despise him before I go no contact. I am afraid that, even if he dies (which I hope for), I will forever feel powerless and haunted if I don't do something for myself before he dies. I read in a book that even children of abusers who died still feel imprisoned by their abuse. I want to get rid of that because in my eyes, spitting on his grave will be 'the easy way out' because what I fear more than anything is confrontation.

LexieCat

Well, I think the way you feel is completely understandable, but I also don't think that the huge confrontation you are envisioning will really do anything to heal you. HE certainly won't give a crap, and it won't do much of anything for your mom, either. There are many people on this forum with horrible, bitter experiences at the hands of their alcoholics--sometimes parents/children, sometimes partners. I don't remember ever hearing from anyone how telling the alcoholic off really did anything more than provide a bit of momentary release.

Have you ever been to Al-Anon, or to Adult Children of Alcoholics? Those programs might be very helpful to you in terms of your personal healing.

One of the things that WILL help you is learning, and really accepting, what is and is not within your power to control. You can't "rescue" your mom--she apparently isn't interested in being rescued. There would be nothing wrong with maintaining contact with your mom IF you were able to detach from your frustration with her unwillingness to leave your father. Right now, though, it seems to be causing you a lot of pain to have a relationship with her. Maybe some work in those programs--or with a therapist--could get you to the point where you can manage a relationship of sorts with her, with strong boundaries about what you are and are not willing to tolerate.

There really is no magic solution to these kinds of tragic situations. The only person you can control is YOU.

Sandraxia

I think you are right that I should stay out of contact for a while. Maybe I would be less frustrated with my mom's choice if I didn't constantly have to hear them fight and my father abuse my mother verbally. She has recently started to abuse him back; I'm failing to see that as progress though.

I am already in therapy and have recently got a new one (old one got pregnant), but somehow I don't feel like it's helping much with the intense frustration and anxiety. It's more like a fun talk or like venting to your best friend. I thought I would have to break down at some point and remember all the repressed memories at once and then the healing would start, something along those lines. I have been unable to cry for the last months and while it's not exactly making me sad - nothing makes me sad or happy anymore, just frustrated, angry, anxious or relieved - I think it adds to the tension.

You are right about my father not giving a crap. I told him things I didn't like soooo many times - he fakes immense interest and insight and then goes on to whatever it was that bothered me. So yeah, I guess you could be right about that, too. So I'll just stay away from all that for the moment.

I have looked at Al-anon meetings, but they are in the evenings and I work in the evenings. When things are quieter, I'l try to find one that suits my schedule.

Thank you for the advice, I appreciate it!

letitend

First, I want to say THANK YOU for your post. In seeking out help from this forum, you have helped me with the clarity I need to continue leaving my xABF (whom I still live with) so that I can show my child a normal life. So many times, (probably 99%) the children in addictive/co-dependent relationships suffer so much more than parents recognize.

I recognize your pain. My parents/family used on/off my entire life. When I was about 18, my mother finally quit using and I thank God for that. It is very difficult to deal with. My father used on/off, not as much as my mom, but he was also a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic which brings alot of embarrassment from a child's perspective. I accepted and loved him though. He has since passed and I still miss him. In spite of everything, he was a pretty awesome guy.

I couldn't choose my parents. I couldn't control them and I certainly didn't cause the agony created by drug use. As a grown adult, I can limit contact with people who are not healthy for me though. I believe my mom may have a personality disorder. As much as I love her, when she gets into a certain mode, I have learned boundaries within myself where I do not have to tell her what those are, but where I can retreat for my own sanity. Practicing self-love is important.

A person must decide what they find acceptable and what they don't. Once realized, one must protect themselves.

Sandraxia

I am glad, letitend, that you find clarity in my post. Yes, I can ensure you that it is better for your kids not to be the victims of daily fights and you retreating into your mind for your own safety and leaving the kids to deal with the harsh reality (not saying you do that, but my mom did. she is sometimes not intelligible when she talks, which we believe comes from my dad twisting and attacking everything she says).

It is so sad for me. I have always wished for my uncle to be my father, or having no father rather than the fat unhygienic despot that he is. It hurts never to have your reality validated. So please when you talk to your child or children about their dad, don't embellish things. Kids can handle reality when it is explained well, but they cannot handle when parents insist that their reality isn't real, what are you talking about, we have such a nice life here with this house and garden and oh look, a bird. I have sometimes wanted to burn down this house. Just so no one could use it as an excuse to stay in a destructive marriage. I have been forced to marriage counsel my parents starting when I was 10. My advice was always divorce, my brothers agree, but they won't listen.

I really don't know what a normal life is. I am really so surprised when my current boyfriend (after MANY failed attempts) shows himself understanding and compassionate. I cannot comprehend it. He is a man, how could he be understanding, helpful or compassionate? When I picture my future with my children, I only see myself, not a loving father. It shouldn't be like that.

Bekindalways

Welcome Sandraxia. Glad you found us.

Man oh man, you have quite the plateful. It does sound like it would be best to go no contact and work on yourself and your own relationship. However, given the family dynamics, I can sure understand why you caved in on the last one.

One thing that is told repeatedly to the folks trying to get sober, is to get a plan. Could you do something similar? Come up with a plan for the next time you get the phone call that your father is dying? Could you block numbers? (I'm not sure these are good ideas but I'm just thinking as I type)

When I went no contact with my qualifier, I actually counted days like alcoholics count days of sobriety. It did help. A bit.

TimeForMe

Hi Sandraxia - Thanks for posting! I hear what you're saying. You are in an unbearable situation. I was in a similar situation. I am not comparing that my life was better or worse than yours, of course your feelings are valid and real. Just want to give you the flip side of the coin.

My father was an alcoholic and drug addict for much of my youth, and my mother stood by it all. He verbally and physically abused me until I was old enough to fight back at age 17.

Thankfully, my parents divorced when I was 18. Since then, he and I have made peace in a sense. He is sober now and tries to be a father to me (I am now 46). The constant "I'm so proud of you" and "come visit me" are like a punch in the gut every time. I literally cannot stand to be in the same room with him for more than 5 minutes. Mostly because he constantly wants to talk about himself, or hold my hand, or who know what, because whatever it is, it is TOO LATE.

I spent a good portion of my young life wishing my father was not actually my father. He is. He is now trying to be the father I needed for the first 21 years of my life. I am now getting divorced for the second time. (Please take note, people who are staying together "for the sake of the kids"). My STBXAH is an alcoholic. I choose men who are damaging to me. Because of my father.

Long story short, if you can, I suggest you cut ties. There is really no outcome here that will be what you have needed up until now. Your mom is making a choice to stay. That is her choice. You can still love her. You are still hurting because of what your father chooses to do on a daily basis. I know how you feel.

Save yourself. Because, really, no one else can save you.

Please feel free to PM me if you like. My heart aches for you. It is a horrible thing to grow up with a father who does not love you in the way you need to be loved. I am still dealing with the aftermath.

Sandraxia

Thank you everyone,

I have exams coming up, but will respond as soon as possible.

HappyPoppy

It may help you to maintain on contact by thinking of your mom as part of the problem. As your father's enabler, she is just as guilty. Without her, he wouldn't be able to continue on the way he has and been able to abused you and the rest of the family the way he has.

That's what has helped me keep my distance from my enabling father. He allowed all of us to endure the abuse and never did a thing to stop it.
I used to think of him as a victim, but he is just as guilty.

redatlanta

Hi Sandraxia - My husband grew up in a house of argument as well. Minus the drugs, the daily fighting and screaming was his normal.

He did go no contact with his parents when he was in his 20's for several years.

They are still married, though they STILL fight the same way (miserable). He now has a very good relationship with both of them, but its taken a while. I don't expect that you can establish much of anything with your father, nor should you, given his drug abuse, and his abusive tendencies.

What helped my husband:

1) acceptance that he didn't cause it. There is a lot of guilt as children that YOU are at fault, sometimes even told you are.
2) Acceptance that he didn't have the "perfect" family - abusive dysfunctional families can be an embarrassment. Much time can be spent being angry that "this is what you got" and the "unfairness of it".
3) Stopped assigning blame to one in defense of the other, it takes two. Codependent enablers are usually the sympathetic figures, but they are often just as at fault.
4) Laid boundaries. Refuses to discuss their marital problems EVER (big problem). Refuses to be present during arguments. Refuses to be put in the middle of "negotiating" their arguments. Spends time with them separately.
5) Forgiveness. This one took a long time, but he got there.

YOU have no obligation to your parents. You certainly do not have to hug your father, or be present at the hospital when he has a meltdown, or a suicide attempt. Perhaps you can still maintain a relationship with your mom "outside" the house with boundaries. NO talking about the father. NO discussion of the fight of the day. NO discussing him, or his problems. NO more phone calls when he attempts suicide or ends up in the hospital for whatever reason. NO guilting YOU. If she can't abide by it then no contact at all. Same with your siblings It takes time to sort through all of this - much anger, guilt and frustration. Going no contact is a good start and you CAN overcome this......as they say Rome wasn't built in a day.

(((((hugs)))))

Refiner

Hi there! I grew up in a similar situation with my Dad an A and a King Baby and dear Mom the housewife doormat - we all endured his abuse. Your dad (fattyspider LOL!) sounds like a narcissist too - and if this is true, you will never "get him to see the light", you will never "get the last word in", you will never "win" with an N. I should know, my sister is a N and I went 100% NC with her about 5 years ago. I would highly recommend going NC with fattyspider and setting boundaries with your Mom and siblings and ESPECIALLY ole codependent Grandpa (funny how the successful son doesn't get fawned over, huh?) that once fattyspider gets brought up, you will immediately shut down the conversation and/or leave the scene. That is YOUR boundary and they are to respect it. Yes, you'll probably have to miss some of those family functions or wedding receptions if he's present. But that's a small price to pay if it alleviates your anxiety and other issues that weighs heavily on your overall health. Remember, you are an ADULT now and you HAVE CHOICES.

Sandraxia

@Bekindalways: Counting the days seems like an excellent idea. That would be motivating and count as a success. I am already thinking ahead - not sure what to do about Christmas. I really want to spent it elsewhere, maybe on a beach... but on the other hand, it could be the last one for my granpa...

Could you tell me what the word 'qualifier' means in this context? I am not a native speaker and couldn't find it.

@TimeForMe: Thank you for your insight into your life. I can really understand the aversion you must feel to this man, who abused you and is now trying to be best buddies. I was never physically abused, but - and I've hurt this uttered by a few people in similar situations - sometimes I almost wish there was tangible evidence that what he did was wrong. Words can and do hurt, and they are much harder to prove. I wish my father had hit me so that my mother could have seen that she definitely needed to leave. Then again, she might not have... and what kind of an emotional wreck would I be then? It's frightening to realize I don't even trust her enough to leave if we got hurt. It's also very sad. And really unfair how we are programmed to love these random people even when they are the ones that hurt us most.

@HappyPoppy: I agree with you there, although it took me a while to realise this. Enabling is almost more infuriating than the actual drug abuse. At least the drug abuse has a reason (numbing the headaches). Staying with a man you loathe just for the sake of it is so irrational, stupid and egoistic; and she doesn't have the excuse of headaches.

@redatlanta: I think your husband made a great decision. It is very good that he was able to reestablish a relationship after several years; I am starting to think it would take me that long as well to get over this mess.

Rationally I agree, but when I'm going around the house greeting everyone with a hug, it feels rude and needlessly aggressive to leave my father out. Nobody understands it. My older brother simply hugs nobody, my younger brother mans up and hugs everyone, and I have been trying to draw this weird line. It worked one time but it's so uncomfortable, with my grandpa whispering in my ear that I should be hugging my father. -.-

I am not sure about that. He has certainly many narcissistic characteristics, but I think most alcoholics or substance abusers would have them (the lying... blaming others... always being right... denial...). I don't think he has the grandiosity ...
wow, hey, you know what, I just looked it up again and he meets almost all the criteria. I've never thought about it that way. This is unreal! You know, after a lot of loving relationships I had a narcissistic ex a couple years ago... I read all this stuff about co-dependency and just couldn't figure out why I'd be a victim, since it's typically people who grew up with narcissists... but this would actually explain it! I'll have to think about this... thanks very much for the suggestion...
What I could never figure out however is how my dad could become such an *******. Because he has very loving parents. They swear he was upright, polite and very tidy when he studied to become a teacher. He also weighed 60 kg. Now I weigh 60 kg and he weighs around 100. So strange. I am wondering whether it could be drug-induced narcissism... since everyone is saying how much he changed for the worse, and since his whole family seems very honest, good people and quite empathetic....

I am okay with missing out on family functions. I really don't want to see this person again. I may place a little too much value on aesthetic aspects but I lose all appetite when I see ice cream run through his moustache and over his triple chin...
And I would seriously love to get over the anxiety. It's taken over all other aspects of my life.

LexieCat

"Qualifier" is the alcoholic--the person who "qualifies" you to be a member of Al-Anon or ACOA.