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Alone and afraid

Old 08-22-2016, 07:46 PM
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Alone and afraid

I am not sure why but I am feeling pretty scared today. It feels good to be a little over 14 months sober but I am beginning to feel burned out. I'm in the third year of law school and I am afraid of these two upcoming semesters and the bar exam. Sometimes I just wish I had someone to live with and love but I guess I drank and now I have to deal with the consequences of all those years drinking. I will also be 31 next month and feel strange.

Just posting to say I feel alone and since I got out of an abusive relationship I feel weak, ashamed, and stupid for letting someone treat me poorly.

I guess there is a lot about living that I have to learn.
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Old 08-22-2016, 07:54 PM
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Hi Ach

I think it's ok to be scared - just don't let it paralyse you.

You've done really well in your studies so far - there's no reason to think that that would continue so long as you put in the same effort and standard of work.

As for the feeling alone bit - I think you're still hanging on a little to that last relationship....

You won't be able to move on to a new one (at least not successfully) until you let that go.

Just my opinion but I think you've spent enough time thinking about your ex and that relationship

It's a new season and a fresh start Ach

D
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Old 08-22-2016, 07:56 PM
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These articles on fear have helped me, Ach

Fear
A Buddhist approach Dealing with Fear | Mahakankala Buddhist Center ? Meditation in Santa Barbara, California
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...g-rabbits.html
Let Go of Fear by Stopping the Stories in Your Head
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Old 08-22-2016, 07:56 PM
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These articles on fear have helped me, Ach

Fear
A Buddhist approach Dealing with Fear | Mahakankala Buddhist Center ? Meditation in Santa Barbara, California
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...g-rabbits.html
Let Go of Fear by Stopping the Stories in Your Head
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Old 08-22-2016, 08:02 PM
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You're not alone my friend although I am past the stage of being lonely and wishing I had someone to love me... that just feels like playing with fire to me right now (just for myself personally, not anyone else)
Congratulations on 14 months!!! That's awesome.
Have you done anything lately to treat yourself or given yourself some downtime? I understand that law school can be awfully taxing. Have you tried some meditation, or mindfulness, positive affirmations type things?

Try not to be so hard on yourself. We all have a lot to learn about living. I don't think that process ever ends for anyone except for those who coast through life on default or good luck I suppose.
Take all those crummy words you said about yourself and turn it around:
"I feel a little lonely but I know I'm not alone in life. I smartened up and ended an abusive relationship and now I am going to treat myself well and become stronger, wiser and more humble in my day to day life. I deserve to be treated well, and it has to start with how I treat me."

Takes a little work, but I think it would do you a lot of good if you work at rewording that inner tape that runs through your head.
You're doing good. You should be SO proud of yourself. You have a lot going for you... and a lot to give.
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Old 08-22-2016, 08:11 PM
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I think I have this irrational fear that I will be alone forever. Stupid I know but I just feel unworthy of love and respect. But I know I am a good person. I quit drinking. Tonight I jogged and sweated. A lot of it is anxiety I think.
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Old 08-22-2016, 08:14 PM
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This is a fantastic article Dee,
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Old 08-22-2016, 08:52 PM
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Law school can be a lonely experience. Between class and studying, there's not much time to take care of oneself. Coupled with the competition aspect and looming career decisions, I totally understand where you're coming from. I wasn't sober in law school, but I was still lonely. I even had a girlfriend at the time but I didn't have much time to see her.

It is what it is. But loneliness and fear are just feelings. They do not represent the tremendous progress you've made in sobriety. Instead of focusing on what you don't have now, why not try celebrating how far you've come. How you are not the same person you were when you were drinking. You are not the same person you were when you were tied up in a codependent relationship in early sobriety. You are a better you.

I got sober at 31. I met the love of my life at around a year of sobriety. By the time we get married early next year, I'll be 35. Things come when they are supposed to come. You are worthy of a healthy relationship and by staying sober, you'll get there.

What helped me with the loneliness when I was single in sobriety was to make those close, personal, PLATONIC relationships with my fellow AAs. It's hard to feel lonely when I have a phone full of numbers I can call up at any time and just talk to friends. Or meeting up for coffee or dinner after a meeting. Not necessarily to talk about recovery but just to hang out.

You've got a lot on your plate, my friend. One bite at a time.
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Old 08-22-2016, 08:57 PM
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Originally Posted by digdug View Post
Law school can be a lonely experience. Between class and studying, there's not much time to take care of oneself. Coupled with the competition aspect and looming career decisions, I totally understand where you're coming from. I wasn't sober in law school, but I was still lonely. I even had a girlfriend at the time but I didn't have much time to see her.

It is what it is. But loneliness and fear are just feelings. They do not represent the tremendous progress you've made in sobriety. Instead of focusing on what you don't have now, why not try celebrating how far you've come. How you are not the same person you were when you were drinking. You are not the same person you were when you were tied up in a codependent relationship in early sobriety. You are a better you.

I got sober at 31. I met the love of my life at around a year of sobriety. By the time we get married early next year, I'll be 35. Things come when they are supposed to come. You are worthy of a healthy relationship and by staying sober, you'll get there.

What helped me with the loneliness when I was single in sobriety was to make those close, personal, PLATONIC relationships with my fellow AAs. It's hard to feel lonely when I have a phone full of numbers I can call up at any time and just talk to friends. Or meeting up for coffee or dinner after a meeting. Not necessarily to talk about recovery but just to hang out.

You've got a lot on your plate, my friend. One bite at a time.
Great post digdug... and congratulations on all your hard work.

for both of you!
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Old 08-22-2016, 09:12 PM
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Thank you. I tend to catastrophize and get all gloom and doom. Maybe it is difficult for me to see the progress I have made. This year I will just study and prepare for my future. I must be a different person today than I was a year ago. Some days I feel like I am made of steel or something. Nothing can hurt me.

Also sex. I miss having sex. But I am strong and I will survive. I wish I just had a female friend, you know?

Anyway. Time to not be burned out and just push through.

And law school does not feel like education but like a complicated game.
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Old 08-22-2016, 09:27 PM
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Chin up Ach.

Why not try abit of Internet dating too get your mind of the lack of company? I personally used to enjoy back in the dating days (which looks like iam back in again) to dress smart, and just go out and have a good conversation and dinner with a woman no matter how busy I was. At the end of the date you do come home with a positive experience and a distracted mind.

And even if I knew we didn't match from the beginning of the date I still made sure to be a gentleman and make she leaves with a good impression. Dating is supposed to be enjoying new company without expectations.

unfortunately so many ppl put heavy expectations on a first date and always leave disappointed.

Sounds like you can take the steps considering your quite far ahead being sober.

And dont forget, 31 is regarded as prime realestate for woman that are a few years younger then you. Chin up man, Good luck
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Old 08-22-2016, 09:32 PM
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Oh man. Let me tell you about my online dating experience.

I signed up. Met a woman for coffee. We talked and walked for about three hours. Next date we had dinner and we watched a movie. She left that night. Another night we cooked and she asked to spend the night. I reluctantly said ok and she said she just had a baby. And she said she might be a lesbian.

So yea. I deleted my account. Maybe I will sign up again.
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Old 08-22-2016, 09:34 PM
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This all occurred about a month ago. She left garlic in my fridge. I have not heard from her in a while. I wonder if my ex was spying on me and scared her off. We really clicked. I did like her but a kid was too much.
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Old 08-22-2016, 09:46 PM
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See. Too much expectations from your side.

As with all dating it's a numbers game. You just gotta go out and do it again next day.

I went through a period a few years ago where I sat 8 months without any female contact, it was work, home , drink, repeat. I was just very angry and bitter from a previous bad relationship (like yourself) and all that time I imagined a new woman falling out of the sky into my lap, I can Garuntee you THAT surely didnt happen.

He who seeks, shall always find.

And it's all about persistence and consistency and moving on straight away from the last experience, as a new man.

Iam sure if they can find 1000yr old coins on beaches via metal detectors, then iam pretty sure finding company is also just as possible if not even more.
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Old 08-22-2016, 10:03 PM
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I remember how it is to be young but I'm not sure the emotional turmoil of a
new relationship is what you need right now Ach - and to be honest you don't sound like a one night stand kinda guy to me either.

DigDugs point about platonic relationships sounds like a good way forward to me.

D
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Old 08-22-2016, 10:09 PM
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Me too. I clearly need this time to regain my own strength and happiness. Other people have told me I am not a one night stand kind of guy. I am guessing that's a compliment?

Yea it was stressful. She was a little controlling and I picked up on that right away.
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Old 08-22-2016, 10:29 PM
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Hi Achelus,

First congratulations on 14 months and doing well in law school. Both take dedication and hard work. I hope you are taking some time to recognize that.

I moved from NY to Cali in 1999 because I met someone who was visiting NY and we just clicked. He was only there for three days, and then we did the long distance thing for a year. We spoke on the phone nightly (before unlimited minutes, I didn't even have a cell phone), sent hand written letters, and both took several cross country trips. I ended up moving to California and started teaching. (I had been a teacher for seven years in NY). He works in retail and our schedules often were opposite, leaving me alone (other than his family) in a new city. I ended up signing up to run a marathon with Team in Training. I had always played sports in high school, and belonged to a gym and was active while living in NYC, however, I had never run just to run. My friend and I went to the first meeting and after watching the video of kids suffering with leukemia we were hooked. We had to fundraise $1500 and also had training runs several times a week, the long runs being on Saturdays. My teacher friend dropped out, but I stuck with it and met several incredible friends, we called ourselves the turtles due to our incredible speed. I finished my first marathon in 5:30 hours, and although I was slower than I would have liked it was an incredible accomplishment and I met lots of great people, several who I am still very close friends with today.

Okay, now that I have bored you with my story, have you thought about looking into some kind of running, triathlon, walking, or biking club? Great way to get exercise and meet new people.

❤️ Delilah
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Old 08-22-2016, 10:51 PM
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14 months is awesome! I know about the stress of school too. I drank a lot in college, I still have a degree to finish but I don't know if I'm ready to go back to school and deal with the stress right now. After 14 mos. just keep going. You should feel really good about yourself right now.
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Old 08-23-2016, 12:24 AM
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Hi ach... You're never really alone... Hang in there and treat yourself well...
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Old 08-23-2016, 02:54 AM
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Good morning and congratulations on your 14 months!! I cant wait to be able to say I have 14 months!! Wow what an accomplishment!
Anyway, what I read that you said that resonated with me was when you spoke of being ' doom and gloom' and I have been told by more then one person that I tend to go to worst case scenario in alot of situations . I am trying so very hard to stay in today and not project out too far to the possible worst case scenario, By doing that hopefully I can reduce fear which ultimately reduces anxiety.
One Day at a Time.
Oh and when I was single I joined some Meet Up groups in my area. I liked that so much more cuz theres no 'dating' pressures but I got to meet like minded people who had similar interests to me. I do believe the best relationships always start with the foundation of deep friendship..
Be blessed.
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