Could use some perspective
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Could use some perspective
I'm going through a very tough time right now and could certainly use some perspective. I have been in AA recovery and sober for almost 9 years. My husband is an alcoholic who is in denial about his problem. I have also been active with al Anon working the program and trying very hard to focus on myself. I have come along way the last year in terms of taking care of myself, detaching, etc. We have 2 precious daughters (3 & 7). I'm getting really tired of the behaviors associated with the drinking. He's not abusive and is a high functioning alcoholic. He is a decent father when he feel like it. I decided to get some names of some attorneys for finding out information (custody, spousal support). I have yet to reach out to the attorneys and not sure I'm ready to do anything yet. Well he got into my texts and saw all of my texts between my sponsor and other al Anon people about looking for options including consulting an attorney. Needless to say he was livid. He left town this morning for work and gets back tomorrow night. In a way I'm glad everything it out on the table but fearful of what is next. Anyone been through a similar situation who can share experience, strength and hope would be appreciated. Also he refuses to go to counseling as he thinks we can fix it.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Are you afraid of him? Will he just be angry, or is he abusive? If you're scared, I'd encourage you to reach out to the National DV Hotline or your local women's shelter to talk with an advocate. I find it concerning that he "got into your texts"--is this par for the course? It's borderline stalking behavior, standing alone.
I'm glad you are leaning on your sponsor and people in Al-Anon. Please don't neglect your own sobriety, either. I've got almost eight years of sobriety and it's easy to neglect meetings when you're in crisis mode.
Do you have family or close friends who might be able to take the kids for a couple of nights while you hash some of this out with him? If there's likely to be yelling or other scary behavior, best to have them out of there--and yourself, too, if necessary. Have a ready escape plan in mind--an advocate can help with that, too.
I'm glad you are leaning on your sponsor and people in Al-Anon. Please don't neglect your own sobriety, either. I've got almost eight years of sobriety and it's easy to neglect meetings when you're in crisis mode.
Do you have family or close friends who might be able to take the kids for a couple of nights while you hash some of this out with him? If there's likely to be yelling or other scary behavior, best to have them out of there--and yourself, too, if necessary. Have a ready escape plan in mind--an advocate can help with that, too.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Are you afraid of him? Will he just be angry, or is he abusive? If you're scared, I'd encourage you to reach out to the National DV Hotline or your local women's shelter to talk with an advocate. I find it concerning that he "got into your texts"--is this par for the course? It's borderline stalking behavior, standing alone. I'm glad you are leaning on your sponsor and people in Al-Anon. Please don't neglect your own sobriety, either. I've got almost eight years of sobriety and it's easy to neglect meetings when you're in crisis mode. Do you have family or close friends who might be able to take the kids for a couple of nights while you hash some of this out with him? If there's likely to be yelling or other scary behavior, best to have them out of there--and yourself, too, if necessary. Have a ready escape plan in mind--an advocate can help with that, too.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
No, but I've worked in the DV field professionally (prosecutor now training others) for many years. My own alcoholism didn't really develop (at least not to full-blown proportions) until after my marriages to two alcoholics (one got sober and has stayed that way for 36 years and the other went back to drinking and is still drinking himself to death, to the best of my knowledge). I'm very grateful for everything my sober ex and my Al-Anon did for my willingness to finally go to AA for myself.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
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Yes. Well fear isn't always of physical actions, or even words.
As another AAer with a still drinking partner, I do sympathise.
The thing is, at the moment it's probably most helpful to think about what you can change rather than what you can't. While you are waiting for him to come back there are some things that will be really UNhelpful . Namely, fuelling your fears and resentments with conversations in your head where you predict (in that lovely way we have) what he'll say. Including little touches like facial expressions and intonation and what you'll say back and how you'll feel. I know that is stating the obvious, but thought I'd still type it, as when I'm full of fear, often the obvious is what most easily eludes me.
Prayer and meditation has been a big part of my own recovery. Is this something that is still part of your routine and plan? Even if not. Now might be a good time. If it were me, I think I'd make use of serenity prayer, Do it Anyway, and a litany of humility.
Do it anyway - Matthew Warner
An Explanation of the Litany of Humility : Three Aspects of Humility | Catholic Healing Psychology
And keep speaking to your support network from AA and AlAnon. They can't change the situation, but they can help you lean into your fear and work on your perspective.
It might also be helpful to spend a little time thinking through what your boundaries are in this relationship so that when he returns you can be clear headed and succinct about these.
As another AAer with a still drinking partner, I do sympathise.
The thing is, at the moment it's probably most helpful to think about what you can change rather than what you can't. While you are waiting for him to come back there are some things that will be really UNhelpful . Namely, fuelling your fears and resentments with conversations in your head where you predict (in that lovely way we have) what he'll say. Including little touches like facial expressions and intonation and what you'll say back and how you'll feel. I know that is stating the obvious, but thought I'd still type it, as when I'm full of fear, often the obvious is what most easily eludes me.
Prayer and meditation has been a big part of my own recovery. Is this something that is still part of your routine and plan? Even if not. Now might be a good time. If it were me, I think I'd make use of serenity prayer, Do it Anyway, and a litany of humility.
Do it anyway - Matthew Warner
An Explanation of the Litany of Humility : Three Aspects of Humility | Catholic Healing Psychology
And keep speaking to your support network from AA and AlAnon. They can't change the situation, but they can help you lean into your fear and work on your perspective.
It might also be helpful to spend a little time thinking through what your boundaries are in this relationship so that when he returns you can be clear headed and succinct about these.
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