A serpent in a cunning disguise....
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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A serpent in a cunning disguise....
So I consumed both drugs alcohol and cocaine after a good four months without consuming. They were four really good, productive happy months. I'd say it was the best I've felt in a long time. Working on goals and self growth.
If we don't win, we learn.
I didn't "intend" to consume this weekend, so why did I. If there was a hole in my plan I should really analyze and reconsolidate and move on, right?
Two things
1. I probably have harbored the "moderate in the future" thought.
2. There's a hole in my personal boundary
If we don't win, we learn.
I didn't "intend" to consume this weekend, so why did I. If there was a hole in my plan I should really analyze and reconsolidate and move on, right?
Two things
1. I probably have harbored the "moderate in the future" thought.
2. There's a hole in my personal boundary
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 57
A gym (dojo) "friend" asked me did I want to go to the beach with him at the weekend as he didn't have his kid (he had the kid for the first two weeks of August and his ex for the last two)
This guy competes and is in excellent shape so I wasn't really expecting a drink or drugs connection. Agreed to go and we drove the almost two hours and we met another of his friends there. He went straight on the beer and I stuck to water. Which they were like "you're not having a beer?". No, I said. This was going to be a test....
This friend proceeded to get really drunk and he just changed before my eyes into a belligerent, arrogant, boring loudmouth. I felt very uncomfortable. He seemed to be just attention seeking.........very uncomfortable day, but I stuck to water.
He finally fell asleep and when he woke he puked. His other friend was like, "you ain't driving" but he was insisting.
Now, I managed to put down a boundary here: I said that if he was driving that he was on his own that I would get the bus. He argued with me and the guy is quite domineering.
He must have thought I was calling his bluff as he only caved when I started to walk away. "alright, you drive, I'm not letting you get the bus"
Long journey on the way back listening to his shite.
We got back to where I thought was his flat but it was a coke den and I said no twice......
........caved on the third.
Why could I not hold that boundary.
This guy competes and is in excellent shape so I wasn't really expecting a drink or drugs connection. Agreed to go and we drove the almost two hours and we met another of his friends there. He went straight on the beer and I stuck to water. Which they were like "you're not having a beer?". No, I said. This was going to be a test....
This friend proceeded to get really drunk and he just changed before my eyes into a belligerent, arrogant, boring loudmouth. I felt very uncomfortable. He seemed to be just attention seeking.........very uncomfortable day, but I stuck to water.
He finally fell asleep and when he woke he puked. His other friend was like, "you ain't driving" but he was insisting.
Now, I managed to put down a boundary here: I said that if he was driving that he was on his own that I would get the bus. He argued with me and the guy is quite domineering.
He must have thought I was calling his bluff as he only caved when I started to walk away. "alright, you drive, I'm not letting you get the bus"
Long journey on the way back listening to his shite.
We got back to where I thought was his flat but it was a coke den and I said no twice......
........caved on the third.
Why could I not hold that boundary.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Nalanda!! 
For me the "why?" was because I had a real addiction, and without a plan to implement to push my life away from the routines and addictive habits that I'd been following for a long time, nothing was going to change, why would it?
I also needed accept that my many attempts to experiment with moderation were never going to work, I couldn't fit a round peg into a square hole, and I wasted soo much time doing the same things but expecting a different result one last time over and over again, but why would it be any different?
You'll find loads of support here on SR, you can do this!!
For me the "why?" was because I had a real addiction, and without a plan to implement to push my life away from the routines and addictive habits that I'd been following for a long time, nothing was going to change, why would it?
I also needed accept that my many attempts to experiment with moderation were never going to work, I couldn't fit a round peg into a square hole, and I wasted soo much time doing the same things but expecting a different result one last time over and over again, but why would it be any different?
You'll find loads of support here on SR, you can do this!!
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
Pick yourself up and restart your sobriety. What I see you could have used is an escape plan. It might have been awkward but could you have driven separately? In situations like you were in it's always good to have an idea how to get out when things get bad.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi Nalanda
I found that saying no one time didn't grant me permanent immunity.
I hoped it would, and it would be nice if it did - but it doesn't work that that.
I had to work hard to stay sober.
Have you got any kind of recovery plan? I think it's vital. There are some great ideas here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
D
I found that saying no one time didn't grant me permanent immunity.
I hoped it would, and it would be nice if it did - but it doesn't work that that.
I had to work hard to stay sober.
Have you got any kind of recovery plan? I think it's vital. There are some great ideas here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by JD 
Pick yourself up and restart your sobriety. What I see you could have used is an escape plan. It might have been awkward but could you have driven separately? In situations like you were in it's always good to have an idea how to get out when things get bad.
But yeah I get what you're saying. I kind of put myself under the thumb of someone. And if things go wrong, am I going to be dependent on said person.
So yes it I would say it is a boundary issue. I should really take care of any potential pitfall that may arise and put myself in the driving seat both literally and metaphorically.
I do like the escape route plan. If things were to go to shite, how do I get myself out? Am I capable of getting myself out on my own steam and not depending on anyone else?
One thing I need to also take into account. I need just the right balance of people AND my own personal space to myself. Too much time with demanding people can suck the energy out of me and I need to learn to pull the plug with such people.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi Nalanda
I found that saying no one time didn't grant me permanent immunity.
I hoped it would, and it would be nice if it did - but it doesn't work that that.
I had to work hard to stay sober.
Have you got any kind of recovery plan? I think it's vital. There are some great ideas here:
D
I found that saying no one time didn't grant me permanent immunity.
I hoped it would, and it would be nice if it did - but it doesn't work that that.
I had to work hard to stay sober.
Have you got any kind of recovery plan? I think it's vital. There are some great ideas here:
D
If you mean:
A plan for living a sober life. Then yes it was exactly what I was doing. Exercising, meditating, reading to name but a few
A plan for incase I happen to be blindsided by a wolf in sheep's clothing. Then no, I didn't have a strategy for this
Kind of reminding me of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". They have 3 lifelines in case they get stuck, one of them being "phone a friend"
"Who want to remain Sober", what are my lifelines......
I think I'll use that metaphor
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Sorry about your slip. But you seem ready and willing to learn from it to safeguard your future recovery, and that is the most productive thing you can be doing right now.
I always like to have an escape plan. Even for non drinking events. Because my alcoholic thinking can still manifest and turn any social situation into a nightmare. So that means I know that I have a means of getting away and the willingness to be thought badly for doing so if needs be. My sobriety is more important to me than what anyone else might think of me for leaving early or disappearing for some quiet time for a while. (Because sometimes all I need is a walk or a coffee on my own in peace to reset my balance ).
The other thing that I make contingency plans for when moving out of my comfort zone is the HALT triggers, thinking ahead about how you avoid getting Hungry-Anger-Lonely-Tired , and what steps I can take in the eventuality of those things happening. There is a lot of necessity for self-care and thinking ahead in recovery.
These things, eventually, become just part of how we do things.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
I always like to have an escape plan. Even for non drinking events. Because my alcoholic thinking can still manifest and turn any social situation into a nightmare. So that means I know that I have a means of getting away and the willingness to be thought badly for doing so if needs be. My sobriety is more important to me than what anyone else might think of me for leaving early or disappearing for some quiet time for a while. (Because sometimes all I need is a walk or a coffee on my own in peace to reset my balance ).
The other thing that I make contingency plans for when moving out of my comfort zone is the HALT triggers, thinking ahead about how you avoid getting Hungry-Anger-Lonely-Tired , and what steps I can take in the eventuality of those things happening. There is a lot of necessity for self-care and thinking ahead in recovery.
These things, eventually, become just part of how we do things.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 379
"Now, I managed to put down a boundary here: I said that if he was driving that he was on his own that I would get the bus. He argued with me and the guy is quite domineering.
He must have thought I was calling his bluff as he only caved when I started to walk away. "alright, you drive, I'm not letting you get the bus"
Long journey on the way back listening to his shite.
We got back to where I thought was his flat but it was a coke den and I said no twice......
........caved on the third.
Why could I not hold that boundary"
Nalanda, it seems like you really did set a boundary, except you took it back.
Seems like your gut was screaming at you to get the heck out of there and take the bus, but maybe you didnt listen to it?
At that one moment in time and it could have been fleeting, you DID have an escape route with full intentions of following through, but for whatever reason you changed your mind.
Maybe this all has to do with trusting your gut instincts, Im not sure but it might be worth while to sort of think on that, just for future reference.
At the end of the day though, regardless of what happened, YOU ARE BACK!
Yay!!! Im so happy you made it back and you can again have that wonderful recovery you experienced. Progress not perfection, right?
Im so glad you are here.
He must have thought I was calling his bluff as he only caved when I started to walk away. "alright, you drive, I'm not letting you get the bus"
Long journey on the way back listening to his shite.
We got back to where I thought was his flat but it was a coke den and I said no twice......
........caved on the third.
Why could I not hold that boundary"
Nalanda, it seems like you really did set a boundary, except you took it back.
Seems like your gut was screaming at you to get the heck out of there and take the bus, but maybe you didnt listen to it?
At that one moment in time and it could have been fleeting, you DID have an escape route with full intentions of following through, but for whatever reason you changed your mind.
Maybe this all has to do with trusting your gut instincts, Im not sure but it might be worth while to sort of think on that, just for future reference.
At the end of the day though, regardless of what happened, YOU ARE BACK!
Yay!!! Im so happy you made it back and you can again have that wonderful recovery you experienced. Progress not perfection, right?
Im so glad you are here.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
A plan for incase I happen to be blindsided by a wolf in sheep's clothing. Then no, I didn't have a strategy for this
I think most of us find ourselves unexpectedly dealing with temptation again at some point, though which is why a plan, and an escape plan, are so important.
Sounds like you owe it to yourself to finding friends who better fit the you you want to become
D.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by Dee74
I wasn't criticising you for not knowing this guy was a bit of a jackass...
I think most of us find ourselves unexpectedly dealing with temptation again at some point, though which is why a plan, and an escape plan, are so important.
Sounds like you owe it to yourself to finding friends who better fit the you you want to become
D.
I think most of us find ourselves unexpectedly dealing with temptation again at some point, though which is why a plan, and an escape plan, are so important.
Sounds like you owe it to yourself to finding friends who better fit the you you want to become
D.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
"One thing I need to also take into account. I need just the right balance of people AND my own personal space to myself. Too much time with demanding people can suck the energy out of me and I need to learn to pull the plug with such people. "
Finding this balance is key for me. I'm still figuring out who I can be around and who I can't. And I'm not just talking about people who still drink, or might tempt me to drink. I'm talking about people who are needy and dependent. I can't handle too much of that anymore. I was an award-winning codependent for much of my life. I'm finding now that it's easier for me to spot people who are looking for dependent relationships, and I avoid them as much as possible. I can't afford that sort of relationship. I have my own stuff to deal with. So yes, I'm trying to find that balance. It has meant ending or distancing myself from friendships, and one romantic relationship (with a sober guy, even). I have even had to back away from a couple of family members. It's hard to do. But I have to - it's part of my long-term sobriety plan to not get into relationships that feel parasitic. Setting and sticking to those boundaries can be painful. And sometimes it feels selfish. But I have to do it.
Finding this balance is key for me. I'm still figuring out who I can be around and who I can't. And I'm not just talking about people who still drink, or might tempt me to drink. I'm talking about people who are needy and dependent. I can't handle too much of that anymore. I was an award-winning codependent for much of my life. I'm finding now that it's easier for me to spot people who are looking for dependent relationships, and I avoid them as much as possible. I can't afford that sort of relationship. I have my own stuff to deal with. So yes, I'm trying to find that balance. It has meant ending or distancing myself from friendships, and one romantic relationship (with a sober guy, even). I have even had to back away from a couple of family members. It's hard to do. But I have to - it's part of my long-term sobriety plan to not get into relationships that feel parasitic. Setting and sticking to those boundaries can be painful. And sometimes it feels selfish. But I have to do it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by Ooona
"Now, I managed to put down a boundary here: I said that if he was driving that he was on his own that I would get the bus. He argued with me and the guy is quite domineering.
He must have thought I was calling his bluff as he only caved when I started to walk away. "alright, you drive, I'm not letting you get the bus"
Long journey on the way back listening to his shite.
We got back to where I thought was his flat but it was a coke den and I said no twice......
........caved on the third.
Why could I not hold that boundary"
Nalanda, it seems like you really did set a boundary, except you took it back.
Seems like your gut was screaming at you to get the heck out of there and take the bus, but maybe you didnt listen to it?
At that one moment in time and it could have been fleeting, you DID have an escape route with full intentions of following through, but for whatever reason you changed your mind.
Maybe this all has to do with trusting your gut instincts, Im not sure but it might be worth while to sort of think on that, just for future reference.
At the end of the day though, regardless of what happened, YOU ARE BACK!
Yay!!! Im so happy you made it back and you can again have that wonderful recovery you experienced. Progress not perfection, right?
Im so glad you are here.
He must have thought I was calling his bluff as he only caved when I started to walk away. "alright, you drive, I'm not letting you get the bus"
Long journey on the way back listening to his shite.
We got back to where I thought was his flat but it was a coke den and I said no twice......
........caved on the third.
Why could I not hold that boundary"
Nalanda, it seems like you really did set a boundary, except you took it back.
Seems like your gut was screaming at you to get the heck out of there and take the bus, but maybe you didnt listen to it?
At that one moment in time and it could have been fleeting, you DID have an escape route with full intentions of following through, but for whatever reason you changed your mind.
Maybe this all has to do with trusting your gut instincts, Im not sure but it might be worth while to sort of think on that, just for future reference.
At the end of the day though, regardless of what happened, YOU ARE BACK!
Yay!!! Im so happy you made it back and you can again have that wonderful recovery you experienced. Progress not perfection, right?
Im so glad you are here.
But yeah you're right about the gut instincts. The night before I was having a bad feeling and then the electricity cut out. My gut was to stay and sort things out.
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