Optimini

Wanted to put this out there and see if others feel the same.

One of the reasons I full on quit is because right now I have a little window of lower stress at my job, which follows a very stressful time that just ended. A few days before I completely stopped drinking, I was received texts from a client thanking me for all my hard work, and she was so grateful I helped her ,etc. I remarked to my husband before bed that it was so kind of her to follow up with me about that, how rare to work with such a thoughtful person. It made me feel proud and accomplished, which is rare.
That night, I had a horrible nightmare she was texting me in anger, telling my I was unprofessional, inexperienced and basically a total failure.

When I woke up I was really angry at myself - and my brain/subconscious for putting me through that which was exactly the opposite of reality.
And then I wondered or perhaps realized that I just really f***king hate myself. That is where it came from. No matter what my friends and family think of me, or if I have an accomplishment or a "win" in life, it doesn't matter. I really do hate myself. I hate how I look, I hate who I am, where I have been, and a whole list of things that would take a hour to type out. I'm pretty sure this is a core reason why I drink because I just don't really care about myself if I hate myself, even if I keep up appearances with taking care of the exterior by means of a healthy lifestyle (except for drinking, obviously).

I'm pretty spiritual and often ponder about reincarnation etc, and every time I think about that I always think secretly, I'd never live this life again, never.

I'm not sure where these horrible and negative feelings are rooted, most likely from my emotionally abusive past with a family member.
It's just strange this time around all this is coming out and I feel like I'm really looking at myself from the outside in, instead of projecting this journey from the inside out (and all the side effects with quitting, etc).
I'm hoping this is for real and just not a classic early on sobriety musing. Even though it's very sad I feel it's helpful to have had this revelation.

Thanks for reading . <3

PurpleKnight

I definitly had to learn to like myself again once I quit drinking, your view of yourself was pretty similar to how I viewed myself and it was a vicious circle summed up by . . . "I hate myself so let's drink to forget, I now hate myself even more, oh well if I kill myself with alcohol, no one will care much as I hate myself and no one else I'm sure likes anything about me" . . . and so my drinking continued for many years.

But I'm here to say that can change, our perception of ourselves can be changed, not over night or in a week or a month but in time, we can build a life to be proud of, start to appreciate what we bring to the table and learn and realise who we are and what we are all about.

Sobriety for me wasn't just about not drinking, it was a journey to find out about who I really was once again!!

Hang in there Optimini!!

Optimini

Thanks PurpleKnight. I'm not sure I ever did like myself, but regardless I guess it's part of the process. The thought process of the drinking connection is most definitely the same!

Anna

I, also, came to the conclusion that I hated myself and that's why it was easy to continue to poison myself. And, like you, it was rooted in childhood abuse. And, the self-hate permeates and affects every part of your life and the people in it. It was disturbing to me to discover this, but I began to work on it slowly but surely. I think you're right, that the perspective you have will help you to make the changes in your life that you need to me to stay sober.

Optimini

Thanks Anna - I'm not sure if I was disturbed about it, very sad though. It seemed to make sense and I don't know why I didn't realize it earlier. Oh well, better late than never I suppose.

Dee74

One of the great joys of recovery for me was getting to know myself again...I found I wasn't nearly as bad as I thought, or had been told...

D

Dame

Hey Optimini,

For a good portion of my 30's, looong before the drinking I had a nearly nightly dream: I stood before thousands of people (more like a mob) who yelled at me, reviled me; it was an all-out hate fest. I woke up feeling worthless . I didn't deserve to be on the planet.
I don't remember what I was doing one day, but I was suddenly overcome with a moment of clarity: Every single person hissing and spitting at me was...............ME. I was every single person in that crowd. It seems weird now, but it made perfect sense then, and those dreams stopped. That day. Forever. I haven't done enough studying about "dream logic" but I do think that we must try to identify the Protagonists/Antagonists in our dreams. Are they who we think they are? I have always viewed dreams as novels or (movies). There is essentially a bit of the novelist in every character she crafts. There are many versions of ourselves living in this one body, I think.

Optimini

Thanks Dee & Dame, very good points of view. Lots to think about and reflect on, I guess it's more common than I thought.