Mind dump
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Mind dump
Adding to my journal of thoughts on here, any insight is welcome. I am having a hard time right now trusting my own compass.
AH is just drinking beer all day, everyday. Maintaining a steady buzz, then passing out at night.
Scenario:
My children: (9, 5 &5) plus numerous neighbor children playing in our front yard. Typical summer day.
Later in evening: Bikes left on sidewalk, rocks from rockery were used to build “roads” for their hot wheels, and sandals strewn in yard is what the aftermath looks like.
AH solution: Bark at kids, get them back out of bed (He should have had them clean up before bedtime, but he was in charge as I delegated this task last night)
Grill them, asking “who did this!?” “We Don’t F***ing touch the rocks” (directed to me >>)“How many times do we have to tell them to not touch the rocks?”
My reaction: “They are just kids and they are just rocks” “Kids, please pick up any sandals that are yours, Bring up your bikes too. And let’s get these rocks picked up”
I step in and help a bit, but make sure they clean up the majority on their own. Send them back to bed. Nice tone in my voice. I am slightly embarrassed, as the neighbors can and have heard him before.
I just don’t get it ^^^ I am told I’m “too nice” and that no-one takes me seriously. I feel that gentle guidance is just fine, and I can get my crazy mom voice ready when needed haha.
Deep down I think no-one takes me seriously because I am always undermined. But he feels I undermine his authority because I try and diffuse the harshness of his approach.
Good Cop, Bad Cop. Can't win to save my life.
Another thought:
AH always asks: "Can I go fishing?” "Can I go to the bar?" "I’m going to stop by Joe Blow’s house, is that cool?” (this is if he asks btw, after work he tends to do these things without running it by me first. )
I always say, sure- do what you want. I don’t control what he does. But at the same time I feel that I am dismissing him. And he is left to his own devices, because it’s easier that way really. I took the kids to relax at the river for the afternoon yesterday, included him in the plans, but he chose fishing. Hell, I’d love to go fishing too. But I can’t make that choice to do that. I enjoy spending time with the kids, it stresses him out.
I am trying to detach and carry on with the kids and I to make the most of our time together, be as normal and relaxing as possible. But I feel that I am maybe purposefully shoo’ing him away or encouraging by not saying no. I just want him to want to participate. I don’t want to tell him what to do. But I also don’t want to ignore him and make him feel left out… I just am so confused. My appointment with my counselor can’t come soon enough. lol.
Also:
He seems to think that I don’t act like I "want him" enough, that I don’t initiate intimacy lately…when in fact I am trying to mind my own while he’s drinking, he also spends a lot of time zoning out in his recliner and watching idiotic crap on Youtube. Then he passes out later evening. When am I supposed to seduce him actually? (and why would I want to?) lol.
This is really just a vent. A mind dump. I’m just so so..I dunno. I know I am posting a lot lately, but it really helps. I appreciate it. Gahhhhh.
AH is just drinking beer all day, everyday. Maintaining a steady buzz, then passing out at night.
Scenario:
My children: (9, 5 &5) plus numerous neighbor children playing in our front yard. Typical summer day.
Later in evening: Bikes left on sidewalk, rocks from rockery were used to build “roads” for their hot wheels, and sandals strewn in yard is what the aftermath looks like.
AH solution: Bark at kids, get them back out of bed (He should have had them clean up before bedtime, but he was in charge as I delegated this task last night)
Grill them, asking “who did this!?” “We Don’t F***ing touch the rocks” (directed to me >>)“How many times do we have to tell them to not touch the rocks?”
My reaction: “They are just kids and they are just rocks” “Kids, please pick up any sandals that are yours, Bring up your bikes too. And let’s get these rocks picked up”
I step in and help a bit, but make sure they clean up the majority on their own. Send them back to bed. Nice tone in my voice. I am slightly embarrassed, as the neighbors can and have heard him before.
I just don’t get it ^^^ I am told I’m “too nice” and that no-one takes me seriously. I feel that gentle guidance is just fine, and I can get my crazy mom voice ready when needed haha.
Deep down I think no-one takes me seriously because I am always undermined. But he feels I undermine his authority because I try and diffuse the harshness of his approach.
Good Cop, Bad Cop. Can't win to save my life.
Another thought:
AH always asks: "Can I go fishing?” "Can I go to the bar?" "I’m going to stop by Joe Blow’s house, is that cool?” (this is if he asks btw, after work he tends to do these things without running it by me first. )
I always say, sure- do what you want. I don’t control what he does. But at the same time I feel that I am dismissing him. And he is left to his own devices, because it’s easier that way really. I took the kids to relax at the river for the afternoon yesterday, included him in the plans, but he chose fishing. Hell, I’d love to go fishing too. But I can’t make that choice to do that. I enjoy spending time with the kids, it stresses him out.
I am trying to detach and carry on with the kids and I to make the most of our time together, be as normal and relaxing as possible. But I feel that I am maybe purposefully shoo’ing him away or encouraging by not saying no. I just want him to want to participate. I don’t want to tell him what to do. But I also don’t want to ignore him and make him feel left out… I just am so confused. My appointment with my counselor can’t come soon enough. lol.
Also:
He seems to think that I don’t act like I "want him" enough, that I don’t initiate intimacy lately…when in fact I am trying to mind my own while he’s drinking, he also spends a lot of time zoning out in his recliner and watching idiotic crap on Youtube. Then he passes out later evening. When am I supposed to seduce him actually? (and why would I want to?) lol.
This is really just a vent. A mind dump. I’m just so so..I dunno. I know I am posting a lot lately, but it really helps. I appreciate it. Gahhhhh.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
I can relate to a lot of what you've said. I don't think that by "allowing" him to do what he wants you are shooing him away. If he wanted to participate he would. My ex used to ask for permission too and I would say the same, he's a grown man and can do what he wants. A part of me realizes now that he may have been asking me because deep down he knew he could've been making better choices... ones that helped our relationship instead of hurting it...
I also experienced complaints about lack of intimacy. I asked him flat out, "would you want to have sex with someone that's slurring and smells like beer and an ashtray?" He smelled like my mom's boyfriends too... so he blocked himself because in the end he always did what he wanted to do and none of that involved me.
Keep dumping out your thoughts, IMO they make more sense that way and getting input from others and their experiences helps a lot
I also experienced complaints about lack of intimacy. I asked him flat out, "would you want to have sex with someone that's slurring and smells like beer and an ashtray?" He smelled like my mom's boyfriends too... so he blocked himself because in the end he always did what he wanted to do and none of that involved me.
Keep dumping out your thoughts, IMO they make more sense that way and getting input from others and their experiences helps a lot
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Adding to my journal of thoughts on here, any insight is welcome. I am having a hard time right now trusting my own compass.
AH is just drinking beer all day, everyday. Maintaining a steady buzz, then passing out at night.
you can stop right there. NOTHING about this is normal or sane. everyone who lives with or near this man is affected by his drinking.
AH solution: Bark at kids, get them back out of bed (He should have had them clean up before bedtime, but he was in charge as I delegated this task last night)
Grill them, asking “who did this!?” “We Don’t F***ing touch the rocks” (directed to me >>)“How many times do we have to tell them to not touch the rocks?”
these are the acts of someone who likes to TERRORIZE children. they are being damaged EVERY DAY.
AH is just drinking beer all day, everyday. Maintaining a steady buzz, then passing out at night.
you can stop right there. NOTHING about this is normal or sane. everyone who lives with or near this man is affected by his drinking.
AH solution: Bark at kids, get them back out of bed (He should have had them clean up before bedtime, but he was in charge as I delegated this task last night)
Grill them, asking “who did this!?” “We Don’t F***ing touch the rocks” (directed to me >>)“How many times do we have to tell them to not touch the rocks?”
these are the acts of someone who likes to TERRORIZE children. they are being damaged EVERY DAY.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Expanding 
I can relate to a lot of what you've said. I don't think that by "allowing" him to do what he wants you are shooing him away. If he wanted to participate he would. My ex used to ask for permission too and I would say the same, he's a grown man and can do what he wants. A part of me realizes now that he may have been asking me because deep down he knew he could've been making better choices... ones that helped our relationship instead of hurting it...
I also experienced complaints about lack of intimacy. I asked him flat out, "would you want to have sex with someone that's slurring and smells like beer and an ashtray?" He smelled like my mom's boyfriends too... so he blocked himself because in the end he always did what he wanted to do and none of that involved me.
Keep dumping out your thoughts, IMO they make more sense that way and getting input from others and their experiences helps a lot
I also experienced complaints about lack of intimacy. I asked him flat out, "would you want to have sex with someone that's slurring and smells like beer and an ashtray?" He smelled like my mom's boyfriends too... so he blocked himself because in the end he always did what he wanted to do and none of that involved me.
Keep dumping out your thoughts, IMO they make more sense that way and getting input from others and their experiences helps a lot
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
AH solution: Bark at kids, get them back out of bed (He should have had them clean up before bedtime, but he was in charge as I delegated this task last night)
Those poor kids being dragged out of bed to clean up while mom’s reaction was to just help them clean up and hope the neighbors don’t hear him AGAIN.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
Adding to my journal of thoughts on here, any insight is welcome. I am having a hard time right now trusting my own compass.
AH is just drinking beer all day, everyday. Maintaining a steady buzz, then passing out at night.
you can stop right there. NOTHING about this is normal or sane. everyone who lives with or near this man is affected by his drinking.
AH solution: Bark at kids, get them back out of bed (He should have had them clean up before bedtime, but he was in charge as I delegated this task last night)
Grill them, asking “who did this!?” “We Don’t F***ing touch the rocks” (directed to me >>)“How many times do we have to tell them to not touch the rocks?”
these are the acts of someone who likes to TERRORIZE children. they are being damaged EVERY DAY.
AH is just drinking beer all day, everyday. Maintaining a steady buzz, then passing out at night.
you can stop right there. NOTHING about this is normal or sane. everyone who lives with or near this man is affected by his drinking.
AH solution: Bark at kids, get them back out of bed (He should have had them clean up before bedtime, but he was in charge as I delegated this task last night)
Grill them, asking “who did this!?” “We Don’t F***ing touch the rocks” (directed to me >>)“How many times do we have to tell them to not touch the rocks?”
these are the acts of someone who likes to TERRORIZE children. they are being damaged EVERY DAY.
My kids are my life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Wow, I relate to all of that, tw, down to the idiotic crap on Youtube.... and then he would tell me about all the idiotic crap he was watching... like I cared... while I was trying to take care of the kids and make dinner or get them to bed. And I really just wanted to tell him to "shut the F up, because I don't give a s***." But I didn't, because I didn't want to give him something to get upset about... make him think I didn't care about what he had to say and send him on a rant...
Big hugs to you and your kiddos.
Hang in there and keep posting here. We understand!!
Big hugs to you and your kiddos.
Hang in there and keep posting here. We understand!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by atalose
Never ever put someone who’s been drinking all day in charge of children!!!!
Those poor kids being dragged out of bed to clean up while mom’s reaction was to just help them clean up and hope the neighbors don’t hear him AGAIN.
Those poor kids being dragged out of bed to clean up while mom’s reaction was to just help them clean up and hope the neighbors don’t hear him AGAIN.
I'm basically a single parent as it is, not sure why I worry like I do...
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Originally Posted by Kboys
Wow, I relate to all of that, tw, down to the idiotic crap on Youtube.... and then he would tell me about all the idiotic crap he was watching... like I cared... while I was trying to take care of the kids and make dinner or get them to bed. And I really just wanted to tell him to "shut the F up, because I don't give a s***." But I didn't, because I didn't want to give him something to get upset about... make him think I didn't care about what he had to say and send him on a rant...
Big hugs to you and your kiddos.
Hang in there and keep posting here. We understand!!
Big hugs to you and your kiddos.
Hang in there and keep posting here. We understand!!
Hang in there xoxox
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Once I accepted the fact that my AW is pretty much worthless as a parent once she pours that first glass of wine before dinner, it made it easier to understand and embrace my role as that 'single parent'. I delegate nothing anymore, and it's easier that way!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
My kids are my life.
the walk your talk.
i've posed this question a couple times, sorry to be redundant, but i'm not sure you ever answered.....
you left once before. got you and the kids OUT and were FINE for 6 months.
then you say you and the AH reconciled, altho HE did not change ONE THING.
why?
its safe to see that experiment FAILED,, eh? you mentioned the other day that you two were in a fight in the car with the kids and he attempted to jump out or something. each and EVERY ONE of these events is impacting your very small children. they are learning THIS is how the world operates by watching you two. by being stuck in the middle of this nightmare. THEY.HAVE.NO.CHOICE.
the walk your talk.
i've posed this question a couple times, sorry to be redundant, but i'm not sure you ever answered.....
you left once before. got you and the kids OUT and were FINE for 6 months.
then you say you and the AH reconciled, altho HE did not change ONE THING.
why?
its safe to see that experiment FAILED,, eh? you mentioned the other day that you two were in a fight in the car with the kids and he attempted to jump out or something. each and EVERY ONE of these events is impacting your very small children. they are learning THIS is how the world operates by watching you two. by being stuck in the middle of this nightmare. THEY.HAVE.NO.CHOICE.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Has it ever occurred to you that you've BEEN fair and nice? And that maybe at some point you go your own way? There's nothing "unfair" or "mean" about putting your kids and yourself ahead of someone who is making your lives miserable and has no interest in changing.
He can CALL it "unfair" and "mean" all he wants--it don't make it so.
He can CALL it "unfair" and "mean" all he wants--it don't make it so.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
My kids are my life.
the walk your talk.
i've posed this question a couple times, sorry to be redundant, but i'm not sure you ever answered.....
you left once before. got you and the kids OUT and were FINE for 6 months.
then you say you and the AH reconciled, altho HE did not change ONE THING.
why?
its safe to see that experiment FAILED,, eh? you mentioned the other day that you two were in a fight in the car with the kids and he attempted to jump out or something. each and EVERY ONE of these events is impacting your very small children. they are learning THIS is how the world operates by watching you two. by being stuck in the middle of this nightmare. THEY.HAVE.NO.CHOICE.
the walk your talk.
i've posed this question a couple times, sorry to be redundant, but i'm not sure you ever answered.....
you left once before. got you and the kids OUT and were FINE for 6 months.
then you say you and the AH reconciled, altho HE did not change ONE THING.
why?
its safe to see that experiment FAILED,, eh? you mentioned the other day that you two were in a fight in the car with the kids and he attempted to jump out or something. each and EVERY ONE of these events is impacting your very small children. they are learning THIS is how the world operates by watching you two. by being stuck in the middle of this nightmare. THEY.HAVE.NO.CHOICE.
I settled and fell for the honeymoon period. I'm an idiot and my kids are paying for it. I am recognizing the same patterns from AH's upbringing and want a better chance for the future of my own children. I am gearing up for the walk that backs up my talk. FEAR and GUILT are taking me over. Add in some obligation, sure why not. I am exhausted from protecting them, and am seeing that I can't do that forever, as seen in above examples. I really appreciate the harsh love here. I need the kick in the pants.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
thoousandwords....your tendency to always have to be "fair" "nice", "right".....most probably comes from somewhere in your own growing up years.....
dandylion
dandylion
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Anvil's good at kicks in the tookus!! And that's why we love her!!
We need that sometimes - I'm getting it, and I'm grateful for this forum because of it, it's helping me move forward millimeter by millimeter!!
COD
We need that sometimes - I'm getting it, and I'm grateful for this forum because of it, it's helping me move forward millimeter by millimeter!!
COD
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Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
Anvil's good at kicks in the tookus!! And that's why we love her!!
We need that sometimes - I'm getting it, and I'm grateful for this forum because of it, it's helping me move forward millimeter by millimeter!!
COD
We need that sometimes - I'm getting it, and I'm grateful for this forum because of it, it's helping me move forward millimeter by millimeter!!
COD
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