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sponsor is treating me different

Old 08-21-2016, 07:24 PM
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sponsor is treating me different

I had about 4 1/2 months sober. That's the longest I have ever made it. And then I relapsed. I drank for about a week and a half, maybe 2 weeks, every night. Then I finally started to feel bad about wasting so much money, always being late to work, flaking on plans I made with a friend ect. So I called my sponsor and told her what I had been doing and how bad I felt about flaking on my friend. And that I have been trying to get to a meeting to get my white chip but I haven't made it back yet.

She told me to not drink that night and get to a meeting the next morning to get my chip. I did and have been calling her every day since then. But I feel like she is treating me differently now. Like really keeping her distance from me. Im worried that things wont be the same between me and my sponsor this time around. I know I have to prove to her that I am going to work my program harder this time and that I really want to stay sober. But I just worry that she is not going to want to be friends anymore. I know she will still sponsor me but I don't know if she is going to invite me to go out to dinner with her friends anymore. Or when she is going to the movies with a group of her sober friends, maybe she will not invite me anymore. Like she wont want to let me into her personal circle or socialize with me. She will just keep it strictly sponsor/sponsee relationship.

It makes me sad because she was a really good sponsor for me and also a good friend. And I messed up the trust and probably made her feel like she wasted her time and energy trying to help me.
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Old 08-21-2016, 07:37 PM
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IJM,
a sponsor has one task: to be a guide through the step-stuff. to do that in an honest way.
being available, also.
but the point of doing the step-stuff is to "grow" your relationship with a power greater than yourself, however you define that.

sponsorship is not about being friends and going to dinner with a bunch of others. that might feel nice but isn't sponsorship.

maybe get hold of the AA pamphlet on sponsorship and read up on it?
as you can see, instead of getting focused again on "the work", you're now wrapped up in feelings about how you're being treated, if you're friends still, if dinner invitations will be extended...."feel good" stuff that is interfering with what sponsorship needs to concentrate on.

possibly she's realized that she was involved with you on an unhelpful level. trust between you is important, but ultimately the sponsor's job is to help you develop trust in a power greater than yourself.
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Old 08-21-2016, 07:43 PM
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Hi itsme

I always try to put myself in other peoples shoes.

Maybe she's doing a little harm prevention and distancing herself - it can hurt when people we know or having been working with go out again.

That's not to make you feel guilty by the way, it's just a hallmark of healthy boundaries.

or...you never know... maybe she thinks a little distance is whats required to help you help yourself?

Either way, of you commit to recovery, your progress and sincerity will be apparent and I'm sure the dynamic will change again unto something more comfortable

D
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Old 08-21-2016, 08:26 PM
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This is not the first time that a relationship has changed because of your drinking. What is great is that you noticed it and are feeling it. Even the pain you are going through is a sign of growth.

Things are different now. You broke a trust and now need to regain that trust. This is what happens when you go out. What took over 4 months to build is not going to be rebuilt overnight. But it can be rebuilt.

It is not the end of the world. It is not the end of this relationship. But it could be the beginning of real sobriety.
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Old 08-22-2016, 03:16 AM
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Maybe I am completely out of line. But I feel like, if someone is not willing to actually answer the phone or call me back, then they do not deserve to know how I feel or what is really going on with me. I will continue to call my sponsor and leave a voicemail telling her if I made a meeting that day and if I called another alcoholic and who. But I will not tell her in a stupid voicemail how I feel or what my day was like. If she cant be bothered to actually talk to me, then she will not know about my feelings or the daily events of my life. I do not need to talk to a machine. I need to talk to a person who actually gives a ****. A person who is not judgmental. If she doesn't start answering the phone and acting like she actually wants to help me instead of like I have something to prove to her, then I may just stop calling her all together. Go my own way for a while. And eventually find a different sponsor.
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Old 08-22-2016, 03:22 AM
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Hi It'sMe - you didn't mention she wasn't taking your calls in the first post.
Maybe you need a sponsor who's just a sponsor right now, not a friend?

D
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Old 08-22-2016, 03:26 AM
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Urrrmmm. Have you considered that she may be busy? I think there could be some fear and ego running riot here.

I would suggest reading that leaflet on sponsorship. There is some really helpful information in there.

I sponsored someone who was a friend first and a sponsee next. To be honest, that didn't work out. Too many blurred boundaries. Perhaps you would be better off keeping your friend as a friend and get a sponsor who is just that.

The trouble with sponsoring a friend is that sometimes you sometimes end up wanting them to get sober more than they do themselves, and that just doesn't work. And it's not good for the sponsors sobriety either.

Your sponsor isn't the only person you can call. You can call anyone in the fellowship for a chat if she is busy. She is there to guide your through the steps, not be at your beck and call at the drop of a hat. It's not her job to entertain you, take her out with her pals, rebuild your life for you, etc. In fact, that would be pretty enabling behaviour. She should not do anything for you that you are capable of doing yourself.

Often we get peeved when others don't meet our expectations. There are two things here. The person. Our expectations. One of them we need to ask for the serenity to accept. The other we need to change / adjust. Which do you think is which?
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Old 08-22-2016, 09:10 AM
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ah, IJM, now you're fleshing it out with additional stuff. which you didn't mention originally.

if you're looking for suggestions (not sure if you are?), mine would be to sit back for a bit, try to discern your expectations from your resentment, and then have an honest but non-accusatory talk with this person so you both can get and give clarity on where you're at.
she may well not be the right sponsor.
your expectations about sponsorship may be unrealistic.
all kinds of possibilities about what's going on.

and just to mention again the suggestion to read the pamphlet on sponsorship.
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Old 08-22-2016, 08:25 PM
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How about seeing an addiction therapist or counselor in lieu of a sponsor? I just don't really get the sponsor thing. I think it would be much more helpful to talk with a professional rather than having to play junior high games with a person who doesn't even have a counseling degree. No offense to sponsors or AA, but it seems like it becomes way too personal. You shouldn't have to be concerned about pleasing a sponsor or worrying whether they're judging you.
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Old 08-23-2016, 12:42 AM
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FWIW, sponsors are people too, and they're not on call 24/7 ready to drop everything when you want them to.

I'd think twice before going your own way. How did that work out for you recently?

When my sponsor first started the relationship with me i wasn't allowed to know where he lived. Trust gets earned.

Do we back off when people use? Sure. First guy I sponsored went back out and died of an overdose that week. We're not inclined to think of people that just relapsed to be honest. After all, they probably didn't tell us they were thinking of getting loaded, and they certainly didn't call us before they used, but after.

The bad news is that our actions have consequences. - The good news is that our positive actions also have consequences, but often this involves perseverance in them over time.

Recovery isn't about people caring about us. It's about doing what it takes to get better.
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Old 08-23-2016, 05:59 AM
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As others have said...perception and expectations. I see a lot of "I" and what you "think" and .... are projecting onto her. You do not actually KNOW the why behind what she is doing. "Our disease is one of perception." And we are selfish and default to the I worldview.

Sounds like talking to her and sharing your feelings - now, do put those in the I as you CANNOT "take her inventory" - is important, and then use the information you get back to make decisions and keep moving forward.

I struggled about breaking up with my first sponsor for weeks, and even began working with a new sponsor. I chose just one, once I was sure that my motives (not her intentions!) were sound and based in spiritual fitness and a desire to keep growing. You cannot put your choices or feelings onto another person.

Good luck.
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Old 08-23-2016, 06:40 AM
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My sponsor cared little about how I felt and more about what I was doing. Going to a ton of meetings and not drinking were the two action steps that were positively reinforced.

Intertwined with that we began step work - which can't start if I am still engaged in active alcoholism.

At over two years of sobriety I've had a meal with my sponsor around 6 times. We've never just gone and hung out. I consider him today a good friend however.

Keep coming back
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Old 08-23-2016, 06:56 AM
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I don't use AA but I wonder if you might do better with a sponsor who was not friend. Keep the lines distinct. It seems you are worrying about the loss of a friendship and that you disappointed your friend, but you really need to reserve your strength for your recovery.
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Old 08-23-2016, 07:44 AM
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My sponsor has gently reminded me a number of times that I can't just dump my week and emotions on her. When we talk it is always focussed on sobriety and how I may be getting in my own way with my higher power. When she senses I'm not focused or really there, she listens politely for a few minutes and then gently reminds me again of what she is there for. I have some different issues, so sometimes those are more front of the brain.
I think in the past I have confused her for friend/therapist - which she is not and I know it. She is the same sponsor I had from before when I relapsed twice. She didn't agree to continue sponsoring me until I showed her I was serious. She did take my phone calls and talk to me at meetings, but the actual step work waited two months this last time.
She and I just went through a step 5 again on Sunday which was exhausting. The point being, the trust was earned back, but she needed to see focus and action.
I think you are putting a lot of your emotions and fears on to her, where they don't belong. Do what you are doing. Go to meetings. Stay sober. Update her on her voicemail or by text. It lets her know you are staying strong and serious. That is, if you think this is a healthy sponsorship for you to continue.
Good luck
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Old 08-23-2016, 09:47 AM
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sponsors can take their sponsee's relapses personally as if THEY failed.
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Old 08-23-2016, 11:12 AM
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Hey ItsJustMe, no matter the reasons it's important I think to keep focused on your Sobreity in all of this, relationships with people can be such drain on energy, the creation of worry and frustration, keep focused on the task ahead.

Hang in there and don't let it get to you too much!!
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Old 08-23-2016, 04:36 PM
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how are you doing ItsJustMe?

D
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Old 08-23-2016, 08:25 PM
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Thank you for all the responses and offering a different perspective.

I really do think it had a lot to do with fear and ego. I know she is treating me different. Very much so at the ladies meeting on Friday night. I could tell she was anxious and seemed uncomfortable even being in the same room as me. And she took forever to say something to me after the meeting. I waited and waited for her but rather talk to anyone but me. So I tried to talk to one of the other ladies so I wouldn't be just standing there waiting. And as I was telling her that I had to get another white chip and I feel really bad about the whole thing, I started crying. So some of the ladies started giving me hugs. That's when my sponsor finally come over and acknowledged me. The next 2 days she didn't answer the phone when I called. I think she needed some time to digest the situation and deal with how she feels about it. But now she is answering the phone and trying to do the right thing. Things will be different then they were before I relapsed but I think eventually it will get better. I do think she took my relapse really personally and she is very sensitive. She was always so proud to introduce me to people as her sponsee. So I think it really disappointed her.

I am doing okay tho. Just trying to string some days together.
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Old 08-23-2016, 08:27 PM
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So whats your plan from here?

D
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Old 08-23-2016, 08:52 PM
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JustMe, I would stop worrying about the opinion of your sponsor. That gets in the way of your goal(s). Sheesh, if that's the way you get treated when you have a slip, thanks but no thanks! More important is that you can look at YOURSELF in the mirror and respect what you see -- slip up or no. You've managed to stay sober for a fairly lengthy time and you should be proud of that!!
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